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Funny Football Player Names

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The summer of 1996. Football had come home, optimism was high. Terry Venables and his squad united the English public but as per usual it all petered out against the Germans. Gareth Southgate’s missed penalty broke the hearts of a nation, and yet it was all a bit more bearable because Germany had a player called Kuntz in their team!

A comedy name can bring joy or humiliation to fans (depending on whether he plays for your team or not), catch out an unwary commentator, or reduce you to tears of laughter. Take legendary Algerian midfielder Ars Bandeet, for instance, who is legendary because nobody is quite sure whether he ever existed rather than because of his footballing prowess. If indeed Ars Bandeet did boss a midfield somewhere in Algeria in the 1970s then he is undoubtedly one of football’s funniest ever names.

It is unsurprising that the lewd and rude provide a fruitful hunting ground for funny names. From the hermaphroditically-named Rod Fanni, via the his-and-hers pairing of former Newcastle winger Brian Pinas and Portuguese goalkeeper Quim, to the backstreet sex change offered by Paul Dickov. football has plenty of rude names. Paraguay veteran Francisco Arce is so at ease with his mildly amusing surname that he insisted on his first-name being shortened to Chiqui and wore ‘Chiqui Arce’ on the back of his shirt.

Then there are the downright profane. Former England international Segar Bastard played for Upton Park and England at the end of the 19th century. He then became a referee, although it is uncertain whether this is how the phrase Bastard in the black was coined.

Czech defender Milan Fukal was once linked with a move to Manchester City, but that never materialised and his career since has pretty much lived up to his surname.

Fucks, Scheidt, Daft, Fuchs. It might sound like a Sir Alex Ferguson half-time team-talk, but it is just a handful of players picked from our expletive-ridden list of names.

The schoolboy humour is endlessly entertaining and yet some of the funniest football names are the ones that come straight out of the leftfield. Footballers whose name consists of a euphemism for pornography and the son of God are pretty few and far between, but Hannover striker Bongo Christ ticks all the boxes.

And if you are blessed with the wonderfully unusual surname Conquest, why on earth call your son Norman? The only thing worse would be if they had named him ‘Jermain Defoe’s Latest Chinawhites’ instead. Conquest was an Australian goalkeeper who once faced England during the 1950s. 1066 and all that!

On the subject of cruel parents, Brazilian forward Creedance Clearwater Couto’s parents clearly had a wicked sense of humour and dodgy musical taste in equal doses as they named their son after their favourite band.

Former Kaiserslautern player Wolfgang Wolf famously managed Wolfsburg (now there’s a pack of wolves). When the time came to replace the Wolf, who better as a successor than Peter Pander?

African parents have always been more imaginative when it comes to naming their offspring, and this is an entire sub-genre in itself. But it would not be fair to complete a review of football’s funniest names without mentioning Danger Fourpence — who has a Facebook appreciation society -and Have-a-Look Dube.

Funny Football Player Names:

  1. Stefan Kuntz
  2. Chiqui Arce
  3. Bongo Christ
  4. Have-a-Look Dube
  5. Ars Bandeet
  6. Segar Bastard
  7. Rafael Scheidt
  8. Rod Fanni
  9. Johnny Moustache
  10. David Goodwillie
  11. Danny Shittu
  12. Johan de Cock
  13. Milan Fukal
  14. Quim
  15. Brian Pinas
  16. Bernt Haas
  17. Uwe Fuchs
  18. Two-Boys Gladstone Gamede
  19. Wolfgang Wolf
  20. Creedence Clearwater Couto
  21. Norman Conquest
  22. Danger Fourpence
  23. Paul Dickov
  24. Argelico Fucks
  25. Harry Daft
  26. Ruud Boffin
  27. Mark De Man

Don’t forget to leave your suggestions to add to the list.

Also See: Funny Football Club Names, Footballer Nicknames

Comments (39)

  1. Hahahahahaha….best for me is No.24..

    Wud lyk to include Manchester United’s reserve striker Danny Drinkwater…

  2. Here’s some more that are amusing:

    Rafael Van Der Vaart – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LrzA_jhtgr0

    There is a Brazilian player playing for FC Porto who goes by the name of “Hulk” and Chilean International “Waldo Ponce”.

    Not funny but I’ve always liked the name “Sunday Oliseh” and the ridiculously long “Jan Vennegoor of Hesselink”.

  3. Dean Windass and Nicky Butt – oldies, but goodies

  4. I was always partial to David Seaman–probably because I was a teenager during his prime.

  5. Robert Acquafresca! His last name means freshwater in Italian

  6. Danny drinkwater what a name!!!!

  7. #18 Two-Boys Gumede is spelled with a U and not an A… How do I know? Well, he’s a mate of mine.

    He plays for Panama City Pirates and The University of Alabama at Birmingham.
    TWOOOOOOO BOOOOOOOOOOYS!

  8. I like the promising young South African star Kermit Erasmus who must be thankful that he wasn’t born in France! And wasn’t there a striker from Africa named: Jean-Jacques Misse-Misse? Porr guy had no chance.

    Very amusing and enjoyable article.

  9. How about Lucas de Deus Santos , nicknamed Cacá, he currently plays for Danish Superliga side Aalborg Boldspilklub. His nickname means crap in spanish.

  10. Excellent article that mate, superbly written and hilarious.

  11. I hear there was a player called Wayne Wanklyn…

  12. Also have funny names Nicky Butt

  13. How about Joseph Desire-Job. I believe he plays in the South African PSL.

  14. job plays for nice. and whenevewr i played fifa in my youth top of 1860 munchens team list was a manfred bender. now superceded by twins lars and sven bender at the same club… related?

  15. I have always liked Joseph Desire-Job. He was released recently (maybe 2007) from a decent team in a top-flight league. My cousin and I couldn’t stop laughing about a player unattached, searching for a club named “Desire-Job”… you can’t make sh!t up like that.

  16. What about the Arsenal new signing Andrey Arshavin ! Well he did have a very hairy bum!!!

  17. razvan rat of shakhtar donesk!

  18. Climax lawrence of India’s Dempo SC and the Indian national team. I’ve also seen Obi Wan Kenobi somewhere bffore, Brazilian, I think, anyone else heard of him?

  19. What about Dominic Blizzard?

    Currently first team for Stockport County

  20. luis boa morte means good death in portuguese “boa morte”

  21. luis figo means the fruit fig

  22. Austrian player from the early 90′s called Bernt Muff

    sure he played in the swiss league

  23. I have some goods for you… A friend of mine and I made a team with only players whose names contain two syllables which sound the same. Quite ridiculous.

    Goalkeeper : Zaza
    Defenders : Lolo, Pepe, Coco, Papa
    Midfielders : Momo, Lala, Kaka, Nene
    Strikers : Bobo, Baba

    I am French, so a lot of these names have some meaning for us.

  24. what about(papa buuba diop)

  25. whatever anyone says, no name will ever beat the chinese international player, Wang Dong

  26. How about …
    Yuri Zhirkov (sounds funny in commentary).

    Also, always thought Ash Cole was quite funny.

  27. what about amutiva likavaj?

  28. You missed off John Thomas – played for Preston and the commentators’ nightmare that is Kenny Lunt – Sheffield Weds, I think.

  29. Yes, I like the botty jokes. We all love Arsenal, Arsen Wenger and Arshavin, but how about Dungha, Poos, and INSUA [in sewer]. My team AVFC had a player by the name of Oscar Arce back in the 1960′s.

  30. Well! I dont think there is any other name that is as funny as makelele. A french footballer’s name that means noise in swhahili.

  31. Many soccer followers will want 2 disagree wit me dat makelele is d funniest due 2 d availability of 9igerian born isreali international – toto tamuz. ‘TOTO’ is a nigerian slang dat means virgina

  32. how about dick van burik? i’m a malay and burik or sometimes spelled as ‘burit’ refers to vagina..

  33. Schweinstager
    Kaka

  34. I played football when i was younger and had a player play for us from africa called Stefan Blueball….i never used to shout his name cause i always laughed :)

  35. Ufarte…played for, can’t quite remember, Equador or one of those countries..

  36. danny higginbotham wen comms say sound like bottom!! LOL

  37. there is a romanian player called Razvan Rat ,and an algerian player called Mahmur which means hangover in romanian.

  38. hi my name is jhamal x. walcott and brazil and arginteena is my best football players and they did good out there and next time I bet brazil and arginteena will go to the finals thanks BRAZIL AND ARGINTEENA.

  39. Ricky Van Wolfswinkel