Where is Dimitar Berbatov?

According to eyewitnesses, he was last seen playing for Tottenham in their opening day defeat at the hands of Middlesbrough. However, an insider at Tottenham Hotspur (who spoke to us on the condition of anonymity) revealed that Spurs are using an ‘exact double’ for Berbatov these days because they just can’t find him.

“He’s long gone. Levy’s been hopping between Bulgaria and Russia trying to find Berba so they can sell him and massaging Zenit’s ego so they’d release Arshavin on time. It’s a tricky period at Spurs, what with Ramos trying to get his new charges adjusted to playing for such a stylish side and worse, trying to get Berba’s double to score a goal and a half.”

And if the above was a bit dry for you, we’re lubing this one up with another exclusive, this time from inside Manchester United. All summer (or since last summer, if you believe Levy’s newspaper clippings) Manchester United have been after Dimitar Berbatov, but even they might start looking somewhere else if they can’t find him in time to sign the contract. A source at Manchester United (who works at the stadium as an ‘atmosphere refresher’) told us that Ferguson has requested Eric Cantona to come in and convince Paul Ince to send Benni or Roque over to Old Trafford for a season or two.

Not sure how that’s going to work out – but with the transfer window due to close in less than 2 weeks and no striker signing (or sighting), it’s squeaky bum time for Dimitar Berbatov – assuming anyone can find him. If all else fails, there’s bound to be a mad dash for Rafael Sobis (the latest striker to be ‘targeted’).

If you know where Dimitar Berbatov is, please let us know in the comments.