Where Are My Cheerleaders?
At the best of times football is a beautiful sport. Watching the Argentineans leave their opposing team standing motionless like Wayne Rooney when asked a basic math question or watching the Aussies bash their way to a sweet victory can often bring a tear to the eye, a fart of excitement or a beer chug of admiration.
Sometimes when I lay on the couch at 2 o’clock in the morning (bloody time zones!), watching the Toons put in that one performance each season that makes you scream “Premiership Contenders!” I scratch the exposed bald patches on my inner thighs (BIG fan of the dressing gown) and wish that what I was seeing would never end, that all there was to life was sitting in front of the couch flicking only between sports channels, some form of Playboy TV and Neighbours… Actually could probably skip that last one as it is nothing without Holly Valance.
But still, the point remains, football can excite and intrigue like no other…or am I wrong about that? Can Football truly compare to the beauty of women? Does an Obafemi Martins goal celebration lift the spirits as well as a “bend and snap” from a miniskirt wearing stranger lifts the…eyebrows? Does pulling on the black and white (or whatever inferior strip you happen to like) fill you with the same pride as looking back at your mates while dancing with a hot chick (In my case moderately attractive :P)?
It’s a tough call that much like religion could be argued in my head for the rest of my life without getting any closer to the answer… Well maybe not that deep 
But rather than decide I am asking why the two haven’t been combined to make for the ultimate spectacle?
I often think that the idea of half time entertainment has been overlooked by FIFA and its associates. After watching players like the aforementioned Wayne Rooney and other players like Drogba and Milner (You have to admit Geordies, ugly bugger) run around for 1 ½ hours and looking to the stands to see large fans with their tops off (it’s always the big ones :P) it wouldn’t be bad to see a few girls dancing around at half time.
There’s often not much going on during the break and after watching a game that could be beaten for excitement by playing football with your Lego men I often think of chucking it in. This could all be erased by the cameramen often cutting to a bunch of cheerleaders. This would certainly keep me inspired at 2 o’clock in the morning. Although I wouldn’t be too interested in the line-up from certain parts of England they could be replaced by girls from other parts of the country or even abroad. (Though this would lead to everyone writing about the development of cheerleading in England suffering from becoming too international :P)
I’ve been to a fair few games here in Adelaide and when the game gets pretty poor it can get a tad tedious as endless passionate chanting hasn’t really been embraced by most fans. This is where cheerleaders could add to the atmosphere keeping the fans on their toes and the noise high as the screamingly ask for their number and relay the size of their package.
What kind of hooligan would seriously get involved in a fight while hot women were in attendance? Not only do I think that Cheerleaders would help stop any footie violence, but it would add to the atmosphere and excitement of the game. What do you guys think? Is half time just an energy sapper for the crowd? Are beautiful women the only thing in existence that could make this great game better?
This article is a submission for the Soccerlens Football Writing Competition; to participate, please read the details here.
Well so far this one gets my vote, it got me laughing and interested at the start, although the middle part seeemed to drag on a bit but I wouldn’t have any problem seeing Shane back here again:)
U’ve been watching a lot of 20-20 Cricket/world havent u mate/Mite
Nice innovative/diff stuff there bro
Good Job
sorry Cricket world cup
PS where’s the edit button
Well, you are raising a good point, but it would just be weird to have cheerleaders in football, wouldn’t you say? All of a sudden you’ll see Ronaldo and Fabregas flirting with some Sweedish girl on the touchline while their respective teams are getting battered. During half time it would certainly be more interesting than seeing the U18 backup goalkeeper playing with a ball… but during the match i just cannot see it happening so the cameraman is NOT going to switch views.
Although I do not see it happening, I have to say that it was definetly a good article overall.
Haha surprised this even got put up
Thanks for the positive comments!
@Indianpunk: Can’t stand 20/20 cricket! just abit of NFL and basketball. NFl just wouldn’t be the same without them.
@Andrei, you raise a good point. I wouldn’t trust Ronaldo near those ladies, but I wouldn’t mind seeing what evidence Nani’s supposed “odd shaped manhood” would leave on his shorts when he “rises to the occasion”.
Now how the hell would you know Nani’s manhood is “odd shaped” ?
Some one plz link MR A to the tabloid article of ronny/nani/andersons Romps with highprofile Female Escorts(read glorified Ho’s)
@Shane - i thought since ur an aussie u would be crazy abt cricket since u guys virtualy rule the game single handed and 20-20 world cup had a overdose of cheerleaders
Anyways what club r u supporting?
@A - there was a big story about Anderson, Nani and Ronaldo having a party with 5 sluts and one the tabloids got hold of it. Apparently one of the said that “Nani’s manhood is awkwardly shaped and digustingly hot” (not those words excatly, but you get the idea) http://www.kickette.com/index.php?/site/comments/cristiano_ronaldo_throws_a_party
@Shane - I don’t know about anybody else, but the only things I want to see from Nani are: passes, goals, crosses and dribbles. Nothing else. Not even tackles. It was disturbing enough reading about his other attributes
@Indianpunk. Nah not a fan of the shortened games just seems like aimless bashing to me? I think Test Cricket is alright though wierd enough. Newcastle fan
@Andrei: Thanks for posting the link and totally agree, but would add getting punched in the face on that list.
Great article. Made me laugh (even if a bit seedy :P). Also a valid point when you think Sky Sports Soccer AM’s Soccerettes does so well, and how famous the gorgeous Hammerettes are! Bring on the half time entertainment in the form of the bend and strip (or bend and snap if we have to) cheerleaders as would be much more preferable to 4 deliquent ex-average footballers trying to discuss football tactics.
For TV, it might be entertaining. At the grounds e.g. the “hammerettes” at Upton Park, they are embarassingly poorly co-ordinated 16 year olds (generally very unattractive to boot) who look like they are doing a dress rehearsal for the school dance performance… very low standard - it’s not like the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders.
At West Ham, there was much more excitement when they had “West Ham Mastermind” which involved the bloke who won the real Mastermind [note - this is based on a British general knowledge quiz that is a legend on British TV]… asking fans questions about West Ham’s history.
Or the period where they had a penalty competition for fans at half time was quite funny.
The cheerleaders are appalling. There is enough Americanisation of world culture - we don’t need this.
Can’t you just switch over to Playboy though?
Funny article though (in a good way)
Hilarious and well written! Bravo! It was truly enjoyable to read one of these submissions that wasn’t just writing garbage.
As to the topic, I have always wondered why there are no cheerleaders myself (being a yank and all). But it would seem to somehow detract from the purity of it (That doesn’t make me a poof does it?(not that there is anything wrong with that))
Anyway…a great read and I would love to read more from you on other topics.
Brilliant article!
I think you MIGHT have a point with the cheerleaders and the violence.
[...] while we’re at it, such a tournament would be a great idea to try out the cheerleaders in football [...]