In case you weren’t paying attention recently, Victoria “Posh Spice” Beckham took some heat for “accidentally” exiting the Paris Ritz in the middle of the Princess Diana inquest where there just happened to be a lot of media folk and paparazzi present. Seems some people think Victoria did it for the attention. Imagine!

Posh herself says that it was entirely an accident, and she would never do anything disrespectful of the Princess. “I was sure that one day we’d (the Spice Girls) get an invitation for tea at Kensington Palace and that I’d get to meet her – not just in a line, shaking hands or something but a proper chat.”

Well, guess what? Diana was looking down on this and heard everything, and she decided to jet back down to earth for that chat with Posh. And we have the exclusive transcript! Here’s how it went:

Posh: I’m so excited that you’ve come down to see me! You’re the most major role model I’ve ever had. Major!

Diana: Thank you, Posh. And I think you have so much potential. With your fame and fortune, I see you as a possible heir to my legacy.

Posh: Oh, yes! Because heaven knows that horse-faced woman Charles married could never…

Diana: Oh, Posh. We’re beyond petty rivalries where I am now. I have made my peace with Camilla. *CoughBloodyCowCoughCough.* But… Let’s talk about you.

Posh: Oh! Yes! My favorite subject!

Diana: Posh, you know that there is more to life than running around trying to get photographed.

Posh: Don’t I know it! First you have to visit your stylist, and then have your manicure touched up…

Diana: No, what I mean is… Well, people forget it now, but I used to be almost as shallow and self-obsessed as you. But then I discovered how good it felt to reach out. To give back. And now people remember me for my work with AIDS patients and landmine victims.

Posh: Landmine wha…? Are they a Topshop brand?

Diana: No. Landmines. Bombs that are buried and blow up when people step on them. They kill people, or blow off their arms and legs.

Posh: Dreadful! That’s horrible! What on earth would you wear if your arms and legs were blown off? It would completely spoil the line of your clothes.

Diana: Uh…perhaps. But Posh? Listen. You’ve become amazingly rich from being famous for…for… Well, you’re rich and famous. You could help these people.

Posh: Me? What could I…? Oh… Oh, I get it! What you’re saying is that I’m famous, and I’m rich, so I could… I could design and sell clothes for these landmine people! To cover up their stumps! Oh, what a meaningful line of work! And it would make me even more rich and famous!

Diana: Well…er… Actually, what I’m saying here is, you need to give back, Posh. And it’s time for you to give some thought to where you’ll end up. Don’t you want to spend eternity up here, like me?

Posh: Oh, yes! But… Well, that robe you’re wearing is so…so…shapeless. And the fabric isn’t even see-through! And…are those…? They can’t be…flat shoes? I don’t know, Diana. Plus, to be honest, just last week I got to go to a special preview trunk show of the lingerie in Hell, and it’s MAJOR! The second I put these things on, the tabloids would…

Diana: Posh, I have bad news. Yes, there are tabloids in Hell. But nobody reads them.

Posh: What?!? Are you saying that nobody would see me in that lingerie?

Diana: Not a soul.

Posh: Oh. That IS Hell.

Diana: Right. But what I’m trying to tell you is that what matters is how you lived your life. And don’t you want to spend eternity with David? Because you know he’ll be up here. God’s got a picture of that goal against Greece on his office wall and He can’t wait to get it autographed.

Posh: Oh. David. Of course. Eternity with David. That would be lovely. Like you and Dodi. Dodi is here with you, right?

Diana: Well…um…not just yet. We’re still waiting on his security clearance.

Posh: Oh. Right. But Diana, I have a question. Didn’t the fact that you were in love with an obscenely rich, semi-employed nephew of an arms merchant mean that you were heading back toward a life of meaningless self-obsession?

Diana: No! I mean…well… I died, you see. So my legacy…

Posh: Oh. Right. Good timing that, eh?

Diana: But this isn’t about me, Posh. You need to heed my words. You must do good in the world and think about others besides yourself. And then you can come and stay with me forever. Won’t that be lovely?

Posh: I suppose it would be. I always adored you. And if I’d be with David…well…

Diana: That’s the spirit.

Posh: But…can I at least keep the implants?

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