Weekend Predictions: Villa to beat Spurs, City to beat Chelsea, Liverpool to beat Manchester United, and more
Gerry takes a break from his weekly drudgery of crime-fighting and orphan-rescuing to give you the latest on English football and your best bet for the weekend.
In many ways I’m like a dwarf – I find it hard to put my hand in my pocket.
I never waste money on a newspaper and only the promise of naked pictures of Cheryl Tweedy would lead me to splash out on a magazine.
I may be a little mean, but I’m nowhere near as tight as Dimitar Berbatov. While celebrating his move to Old Trafford, the frugal frontman refused to buy a copy of The Big Issue. My heart went out to a clearly devastated Robbie Savage.
Sir Alex may have to make some tough decisions now that Berbatov, Tevez and Rooney are all vying for a starting role. Three into two simply does not go, unless it’s a Ronaldo house party.
If I was Fergie – and I drink enough to make a passing resemblance – I’d sell Wayne Rooney.
The big lad may have played reasonably well against Croatia in midweek, but that performance is merely papering over the cracks. You can put lipstick on a pig – but you should never marry her in Italy.
Rooney’s fall from grace has been dramatic. When he first burst on to the scene, he looked like the next Alan Shearer – now it looks like he’s just eaten him.
I can trace the beginning of the decline to Wayne’s honeymoon, where it emerged that he enjoyed a sneaky fag. Cheryl Tweedy was reportedly devastated.
I too used to partake in a crafty cigarette after making love, but I had to quit when they introduced a no smoking policy in the morgue.
I now only smoke when I’m knocked back for sex, so I’m stubbing more ash than Lee Chapman.
If United do decide to sell Rooney, their wealthy neighbours will be in the frame to sign him. City have passed their first official test as a mega-rich club; they’ve wasted millions on Shaun Wright Phillips.
The signing of Robinho for £32m was a much better piece of business, and it’s rumoured that Fernando Torres may be next. Torres would jump at the chance to play alongside the skillful Brazilian – he currently looks at Robbie Keane and gently weeps.
Robbie is still reeling after his penthouse flat was targeted by burglars. It’s not the first case of a robbery in Liverpool; Spurs recently got away with £20m.
While Manchester City spend money like it’s going out of fashion, Mike Ashley holds on to his cash like it’s a steak and kidney pie.
Newcastle supporters intend to protest against Ashley and his angry midget sidekick Dennis Wise. The Toon Army haven’t been this riled since Freddie Shepherd described the local women as ‘dogs’. Cheryl Tweedy is certainly not a ‘dog,’ although she does have a cute pair of puppies.
Even factoring in the shenanigans at St James’ Park, I’m convinced that Newcastle are overpriced at 1.70 at home to Hull. I’ll be staking one point, and I expect to be celebrating like Cheryl Tweedy’s gynaecologist.
Gerry’s Score
3 out 4 predictions correct this season. And he’s picked the easiest game to predict this weekend.
Cheryl Tweedy photo gallery – you know you want some.
English Premier League Fixtures (13-15 September 2008)
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Saturday, 13 September 2008
Liverpool FC v Manchester United FC, 12:45 (Liverpool)
Blackburn Rovers FC v Arsenal FC, 15:00 (Arsenal)
Wigan Athletic FC v Sunderland AFC, 15:00 (Wigan)
Fulham FC v Bolton Wanderers FC, 15:00 (Draw)
Newcastle United FC v Hull City AFC, 15:00 (Newcastle)
Portsmouth FC v Middlesbrough FC, 15:00 (Middlesbrough)
West Bromwich Albion FC v West Ham United FC, 15:00 (Draw)
Manchester City FC v Chelsea FC, 17:30 (City)
Sunday, 14 September 2008
Stoke City FC v Everton FC, 13:30 (Draw)
Monday, 15 September 2008
Tottenham Hotspur FC v Aston Villa FC, 20:00 (Villa)
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Topics: Arsenal, Aston Villa, Blackburn Rovers, Bolton Wanderers, Chelsea, English Premier League, Everton, Football Betting, Fulham, Liverpool, Manchester City, Manchester United, Middlesbrough, Newcastle United, Portsmouth, Stoke City, Sunderland, Tottenham, West Brom, West Ham, Wigan
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Did i here right? You are predicting us to win? wow!! Personally im hoping for a draw because it doesnt matter how good we play, we simply cant beat United.
September 12th, 2008 @ 18:13Haha… he thinks Liverpool is going to win. Funny, as ususal.
September 12th, 2008 @ 19:52Torres wants to play with Robinho? Where is this nonsense coming from? Torres loves playing with Kuyt, who does all the dirty work for him. He’s said so himself….
“This Liverpool side also works its socks off. Dirk Kuyt, for example, is spectacular in how cleverly and how hard he works to make sure I get top-quality possession near goal.”
source: http://www.premiershiplatest.com/news/liverpool-star-striker-fernando-torres-o-5510709.html
September 12th, 2008 @ 20:43I think (as much as I hate to admit it) Berbatov will fit in OT(at least until CR returns, then where the two colossal egos will fit in is anybody’s guess). Its obvious both Rooney and Tevez didnt mind moving aside for CR, but will Berba do the same? Or vice versa?
September 12th, 2008 @ 21:33Torres wants to play with Robinho? Where is this nonsense coming from?
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I had two independent sources to corroborate this. A drunken guy down the boozer and his mate.
September 12th, 2008 @ 22:27Gerry,
you have a ridiculous writing style. I enjoy it very much.
Anyway, Torres unhappy? perhaps. But I’ll believe in god if the reds take united tomorrow.
September 12th, 2008 @ 23:36I think this week’s big game will end in a 1-1 draw, but if i had to go for a winner then maybe a 2-1 to Liverpool.
And did i see City winning Chelsea? Nah, cant see that happening, at most Chelsea is gonna struggle and end up 1-2 winners.
As for Spurs and Villa, i honestly think it will be 1-1, Spurs must end their rot and if they can get a winner here then a draw would also be good.
September 13th, 2008 @ 00:41A transfer cap will soon be realised and poor Man City will have to get into the top four the PROPER way. Imagine having only £70million to spend in the transfer window and having to get a good quality staff and manager to get into the top four rather than randomly get rich owners. unthinkable isn’t it.
September 13th, 2008 @ 01:45Do not worry if Man City ever do get Torres it shall be for an absolutely huge price tag which will go a long way to helping Liverpool. Though if Liverpool are owned by Sheikh come January City can rule all our players off their cute little list.
September 13th, 2008 @ 01:47I am not sure United are going to be too worried by Liverpool tomorrow (I realise that has angered half of Merseyside and I am sorry) but the return of Fernando Torres and Steven Gerrard is not going to change things too much. Last season, I remember watching Torres in Rio Ferdinand’s back pocket twice – cue the Spaniard hitting a hat-trick at lunchtime – and Stevie G had the legs run off him by Anderson.
The bigger worry is for Rafa Benitez I feel as he will have no idea how the trio of Wayne Rooney, Carlos Tevez and Dimitar Berbatov is going to function. Will they drift around? Will they be rigid? Will they all even start? No-one knows except Sir Alex.
I say United to scrape win 2-0, but then I tend to be pretty useless at predicting football results so don’t take my word for it just yet.
September 13th, 2008 @ 01:49The writer is an idiot..at first I was curious as to how he thinks Liverpool will defeat Man United..then he starts talking about selling Rooney?eh dude, stfu..you’re an idiot, when United win today and Rooney has a cracker of a match write a FULL article/letter apologising to Wayne, United and me..
September 13th, 2008 @ 07:42For the record, the predictions are mine, and absolutely random, good to see it got a few people upset (as usual).
As for the idiot charge, that’s all yours Gerry.
September 13th, 2008 @ 07:52I dont think Boro can beat Portsmouth, in fact i reckon that Pompy beat them 2:1 especially so when it is a Fratton Park.
It is also time Everton got some luck and win 0:2 against Stoke.
As for Wigan and Sunderland, it should be 1:1 draw. Wigan are probably on a high after thrashing Hull by 5 goals to zip, and will face reality when up against Anton Ferdy in defence and Cisse in attack.
September 13th, 2008 @ 09:27United to beat Looserpool 0-3… Berba on scoresheet…
September 13th, 2008 @ 09:50I had a dream last night that it was 3 each although im going to go with common sense and predict 0:2 United
September 13th, 2008 @ 10:23Okay now that i see Carrick and Hargreaves being available for United, i will take a 1-2 United win. But it could still end up as my first predicted 1-1 score.
After having a chat with my rival friend, i have to say Spurs will get a win a home on Monday. Like i said they have to stop the rot and with Berba off, they should record a win.
U are predicting a Middlesbrough win? I am dead surprised. 2-1 to Portsmouth should be right. I am betting that score.
September 13th, 2008 @ 11:10lol so wheres all the Man-U supporters now huh? 2-1 good predoction btw
September 14th, 2008 @ 17:24The predictions were meant to be a joke dont be giving him credit.
September 14th, 2008 @ 18:48eh..wat all u man utd scumbag talking bout when the prediction goes to liverpool??hahahaha…”liverpool harrassed us” said the united boss..hahahahaha…in ur face!!
September 15th, 2008 @ 03:25