Weekend Predictions | This is the ode to Hel
I’ve never been particularly lucky in love. As a result of a severe lack of confidence, I can only approach women after a skinful of lager when the beer goggles are on. Even Kermit would have turned his nose up at some of the pigs I’ve tried my luck with.
I raised the bar marginally higher when I emailed Helen Chamberlain to ask for a date, but she just blew me off.
I did find fleeting love with a diminutive woman called Dot. But just like the unfortunate Martin Jol, I was dumped via a text message. I’m completely over her now though; I buried her under the patio. After extensive digging I’ve discovered 13/8 for a Tottenham win over Middlesbrough.
Rent-a-quote WAG Cheryl Cole claimed that her ‘husband’ didn’t enjoy his final days at Arsenal as he believed that his foreign team-mates were all ‘talking about him’. I find it amazing that a talented footballer with a loving wife could end up such a paranoid wreck; and Ashley Cole is definitely a talented footballer. The 4/9 for a Chelsea win over Wigan is convenient.
Steve Bruce is definitely feeling the pressure. The potato-headed manger couldn’t bear to watch as Birmingham played Wigan last week; although this is not necessarily an uncommon phenomenon amongst the regulars of St Andrews. Everton can be backed at 8/11 against Birmingham; that’s unusually exhilarating.
It’s no coincidence that Arsenal are producing champagne football after dropping the bitter Lehmann. I believe the morale-boosting team huddle is a major factor in the Gunners’ improved form, or it may just be an opportunity to talk about Ashley Cole. Everybody should be talking about the 6/4 for an Arsenal win over Manchester United.
Sam Allardyce will go head to head with Harry Redknapp at St James’ Park, in a match that the gutter press are labelling ‘Panorama II’. I’ve been investigating the history to this fixture and I’ve discovered that Pompey last won in Newcastle in 1949. The Toon can continue their practical ownership at 11/10.
A member of the Royal family has allegedly been caught up in a sex scandal. I just hope it’s not Charlie, as i have absolutely no interest in hippophilia. One set of Royals who won’t be going down is Reading; they’ll leave Fulham with a point at 9/4.
Aston Villa appear to be certainties at 1/2 against a woeful Derby County. The Villa have looked fearsome on their own patch this season, while the Rams are conceding almost three goals a game on the road. The only money going on Derby will be Freddie Flintoff’s.
Phil Gartside must have had a few jars when he appointed Gary Megson. I’m all for positive discrimination, but this move reeks of desperation. Luckily for Bolton, West Ham have been decimated by injuries. Bolton can sneak a fortuitous draw at 5/2.
Like most people who enjoy a swift couple of beers, I often struggle to undress when I’m the worse for wear. I’ve now patented a machine that takes your shirt off for you automatically; it’s provisionally called ‘The Carragher’. I’m all over the 11/5 for a Blackburn win over a depleted Liverpool.
Manchester City may have started the season impressively, but Sven was on the receiving end of a real spanking at Chelsea last week. To make matters even worse, his team then lost 6-0 at Stamford Bridge. I believe that result was merely a blip; City will explode into life on bonfire night against Sunderland at 8/13.
Being a persistent soul, I’ve decided to ask Helen Chamberlain to accompany me to a small fireworks display. I’ve already bought her a Catherine wheel and a rocket; I just want a banger now. Aston Villa, Everton, Tottenham, Chelsea and Manchester City form a 13/1 weekend accer that will more than cover the expense.
Your Predictions
Think you can do better than Gerry? Here’s a list of the weekend matches - copy-paste and make your own predictions in the comments below and if you’re brave enough, put your money where your mouth is by betting on this weekend’s fixtures with Blue Square - and there’s a free £25 bet in it for you if you’re signing for the first time.
Weekend Fixtures
Arsenal v Manchester United
Aston Villa v Derby County
Everton v Birmingham City
Fulham v Reading
Middlesbrough v Tottenham
Newcastle v Portsmouth
Wigan v Chelsea
Blackburn v Liverpool
West Ham v Bolton
Manchester City v Sunderland
And in case you’re wondering where that picture up top came from, click here.
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Discussion - 16 Responses
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Arsenal 2 v 2 Manchester United
Aston Villa 2 v 1 Derby County
Everton 2 v 0 Birmingham City
Fulham 1 v 1 Reading
Middlesbrough 1 v 2 Tottenham
Newcastle 2 v 2 Portsmouth
Wigan 0 v 4 Chelsea
Blackburn 1 v 1 Liverpool
West Ham 2 v 0 Bolton
Manchester City 3 v 1 Sunderland
City 5 Suderland 0
We’ll want revenge after the Chelsea game and I think Suderland will be the team to pay for it. We had a massive blip last weekend but we’ve got the class to take this game with ease.
Arsenal v Manchester United - United
Aston Villa v Derby County - Villa
Everton v Birmingham City - Everton
Fulham v Reading - Draw
Middlesbrough v Tottenham - Draw
Newcastle v Portsmouth - Draw
Wigan v Chelsea - Chelsea
Blackburn v Liverpool - Draw
West Ham v Bolton - West Ham
Manchester City v Sunderland - Man City
Arsenal 1 v 3 Manchester United
Aston Villa 2 v 0 Derby County
Everton 1 v 1 Birmingham City
Fulham 3 v 0 Reading
Middlesbrough 0 v 4 Tottenham (NAP)
Newcastle 2 v 1 Portsmouth
Wigan 0 v 2 Chelsea
Blackburn 0 v 2 Liverpool
West Ham 1 v 2 Bolton
Manchester City 2 v 1 Sunderland
Arsenal 2 v 1 Manchester United
Aston Villa 2 v 0 Derby County
Everton 2 v 0 Birmingham City
Fulham 1 v 0 Reading
Middlesbrough 1 v 1 Tottenham (NAP)
Newcastle 2 v 2 Portsmouth
Wigan 0 v 2 Chelsea
Blackburn 2 v 2 Liverpool
West Ham 1 v 0 Bolton
Manchester City 5 v 0 Sunderland
Arsenal v Manchester United - United
Aston Villa v Derby County - Villa
Everton v Birmingham City - Everton
Fulham v Reading - Draw
Middlesbrough v Tottenham - Tottenham
Newcastle v Portsmouth - Newcastle
Wigan v Chelsea - Chelsea
Blackburn v Liverpool - Draw
West Ham v Bolton - Draw
Manchester City v Sunderland - Man City
i love it when people on here go agaisnt Liverpool we always proove them wrong
Arsenal 1 v Manchester United 3
Its not my fault.its the fact that owen wld make fabregas appear missing in the midfield that wld eventually pull the match 4 us.Ronaldo shd play 11 so as to push the jack ass rampaging duo of sagna and eboue back home.
we ve just cliched the league tittle. coz once we are up we aint going down.
Weekend Fixtures
Arsenal v Manchester United 2-2
Aston Villa v Derby County 4-0
Everton v Birmingham City 2-0
Fulham v Reading 2-2
Middlesbrough v Tottenham 1-3
Newcastle v Portsmouth 1-1
Wigan v Chelsea 0-5
Blackburn v Liverpool 2-1
West Ham v Bolton 1-0
Manchester City v Sunderland 4-1
Arsenal v Manchester United 0-2
Aston Villa v Derby County 4-0
Everton v Birmingham City 0-0
Fulham v Reading 1-2
Middlesbrough v Tottenham 0-3
Newcastle v Portsmouth 0-1
Wigan v Chelsea 0-2
Blackburn v Liverpool 1-2
West Ham v Bolton 5-0
Manchester City v Sunderland 1-1
by the way, who is the girl ?
“Liverpool_Fan
i love it when people on here go agaisnt Liverpool we always proove them wrong”
You also prove everyone wrong when they go ‘along’ with you. Example, you won the game before the kick off against, Porto, Merseile and Besihktas, but, you prove everyone wrong by two losses and a draw
Having said this, I think Blackburn will come out winners, especially since they are playing at home.
i’m suprised to see quite a few on here backing man u to win today, Man u got chelsea at the very best time to get them and other than them cant really claim to have played a top class side, I think arsenal will tested them today, and I think the home advantage will help arsenal to at least get a draw but more likely a narrow win
im not backing united to win because i hope they win not cuz i think they’ll win.
scrtls thats exactly what i mean u dumbass
Liverpool_Fan;
A draw at City v. Sunderland?
I don’t think so…
See, City’s home form was improving this season and remember, Sunderland has a TERRIBLE away record at the BPL so a Black Cat win or a draw is FAIRLY impossible.
Weekend Fixtures
Arsenal v Manchester United - DRAW
Aston Villa v Derby County - Villa rout
Everton v Birmingham City - Everton
Fulham v Reading - DRAW
Middlesbrough v Tottenham - Tottenham
Newcastle v Portsmouth - DRAW
Wigan v Chelsea - Chelsea rout
Blackburn v Liverpool - Blackburn
West Ham v Bolton - West Ham
Manchester City v Sunderland - Man City