Usmanov buys out Arsenal board, DD returns with JM as AW and CF jet off to Barcelona

In a stunning takeover, Alisher Usmanov has bought out Stan Kroenke AND the Arsenal board, giving him ownership of more than 80% of Arsenal and effectively making him the ruler of all things Arsenal.

Shocking as this news is, it might be least of worries for Arsenal fans – 2 of the most important people at Arsenal have indicated a move away from the Emirates at the end of the season.

But there is one silver lining to this – David Dein, the new chairman of Arsenal FC, has announced that the Gunners have already lined up a Premier League and Champions League winning manager to take over from Wenger.

Wenger: I’m leaving Arsenal this summer

Arsene Wenger has spoken out after the takeover, calling the board pansies and refusing to play for a Russian. His main issue seems to be with the outrageous sums of money made available to him and with it the expectation to win trophies. Wenger was said to have detested the thought of spending 20m on a proven player or of spending the 100m available to the manager for bolstering the Arsenal squad for upcoming Premier League and Champions League campaigns.

Fabregas wants Barcelona

Fabregas has turned on his new owners, saying that the only reason he had stayed at Arsenal so long was because it was a fan-owned club, and with that illusion out of the window, he had no reason to stay at Arsenal. Inside sources suggest that Fabregas is being pushed out at the behest of the incoming manager, who doesn’t rate the kid very highly. Barcelona will welcome Cesc with open arms, and I imagine so will Wenger, who might be headed there himself after Rijkaard announced his move to Real Madrid.

The Return of Jose Mourinho

Jose Mourinho is strongly rumoured to be the new manager at Arsenal – him and Sir Alex were rumoured to be the two candidates but Sir Alex has already been confirmed as the next Juventus manager, leaving the field wide open for the Master Baiter.

Jose’s first assignment will be to build a team around Robinson, Hargreaves and Tevez, the first 3 recruits earmarked by David Dein for Arsenal’s revival. There have also been reports that Mourinho will bring Ashley Cole back to Arsenal.

Gunners to play softball only

But all this is derided as a sham but one insider, who claims that the transfers and change of managers is just a smokescreen to prepare for Usmanov’s next move, which is to convert the Arsenal football team into a softball team to fulfill Usmanov’s life-long ambition of winning the World Softball Championships. Dein has already registered Arsenal as a wildcard entry in the 2010 tournament, and he will have 2 years to mould a world-beating squad. Dein is reported to have asked Thierry Henry to come back and lead the Arsenal softball team, which the Frenchman has agreed to.

Can Arsenal win the World Softball Championship in 2010?

And in other news…

Manchester United to sell players and stadium to meet £700m debt

Manchester United Sex Scandal – Ronaldo, Rooney, Anderson and Nani in US orgy

Disclaimer: April Fool! 🙂 Nothing in the above news item should be considered truthful – it is all a figment of the author’s imagination. To read more April Fool stories, please visit our April Fools section on Soccerlens.

Arsenal to buy Manchester United duo for £30m
Manchester United to sell players and stadium to pay off £700m debt