The Uxbridge English Premier League Dictionary

“We all know he’s got that in his locker, you know.  He can do that all day long, but at the end of the day every time he crosses the line he brings something to the party, you know.”

Lately I have been considering a review of the language used in our beautiful game.

And if there was ever a good time to review the situation it would be at the start of the season, the start of my contributions here or during a Lionel Bart musical.  “Is this the best way of saying this?”, “Do people understand me?”, “Do I consider myself at home?”, “Do I consider myself part of the family?” but mostly “Why must everyone involved in football speak in such limited terms?”

Whilst I appreciate a good cliché as much as the next person, why must the game we love and follow be so riddled with them?  If, like me, you watch and read everything you can about football I am sure you will have had your fill of “you know-s” and “at the end of the day-s”, you know?  It really can grate.  But I’m not suggesting the reinvention of the wheel, although it would be helpful if it resembled a circle and not a battered parallelogram, I’m merely suggesting an expansion of our lexicon.  Just to spice it up a bit.  Remember when the England team spent France ’98 trying to work song titles into their interviews?  Well, like that, only funny.

So why not reach for a few of these instead of bringing the same old stock phrases to the party when all’s said and done?  By the way is there a special shop where footballers buy these things they bring to the party?  Do they always bring the same thing to the party or do they have a selection of things in their locker ready for such an occasion?


Parsimonious – the want away midfielder, distributing the ball whilst complaining.

Typical – No more flick ons from the striker, we’re playing it on the ground.

Frequent – Nikola Zigic has slipped his marker again.

Striker – Marlon King’s guide for a harmonious relationship.

Substance – How to stand if you want to get noticed on the bench.

Spurious – An angry Tottenham fan.

Evertonian – He’ll always be like Tony.

Just a few to be getting on with.  If you ask me what they mean, well, I’m sorry I haven’t a clue but at least I’m bringing something different to the party, you know.  Hopefully over time some pundits will too.

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