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Straight from The Offside, with gems such as:

If an agent says “This kid is the next….” It means….

“David Beckham”… “No left foot, looks good in his underwear.”

Or when an agent says…. It means….

“Arsene is interested” … “My client is fifteen.”

When a manager says…. It means….

“The acquisition of this experienced international shows our commitment to building the team.” … “He’s played two games for Faroe Islands. That’s all we can afford. We are so screwed.”

To learn the truth behind the banal statements players, managers and agents keep making to the press, read Laurie’s entertaining guide to transfer rumours.