P.S. that one about the fat bloke was top

FWIW, the worst thing about football is definitely and by far bad reffing.

I would say the same thing to the author.

I suppose Solhekol’s intent was comedy first, and through that comedy—a bit of legitimate criticism. While Solhekol invokes the tone of an embittered old man, reminiscing of the green pastures of an age lost, he is actually a young man that cannot possibly reflect upon a “golden age” he never experienced.

Here are the 13 worst parts of his piece:

48. Transfer windows

The analogy to domestic shopping has little, if nothing, to do with the transfer window. The window forces teams to plan out line-ups and acquisitions ahead of time and then reaping the harvest they have sown. If the window was more like American Hockey, we would have weekly transactions amounting to a trading card expose more analogous to the stock market. Also, the aspect of team loyalty (albeit already an issue) would disappear. Players would have no incentive to succeed over a long period of time and fans would never develop a relationship with the individual players of the club they support.

47. Squad numbers

Really? it’s a problem that a player feels like choosing one cardinal number versus another?

46. Autobiographies

Who’s at fault here? The player that writes the obligatory autobiography, or the sucker that feels a need to purchase a ghost written book about an athlete? Again, the demand of an ignorant public creates the situation for publication. If no one wanted them, they wouldn’t exist.

43. Statistics

Statistics are an inherent part of sports watching and analysis. They help to divide the numerical quality of a player and his team. Stating that statistics are an “American obsession” is a statement of ignorance that ignores the history of goal scoring records and team records of all kinds. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that most people want to know who the leading goal scorers are… and don’t forget: a teams record of wins and losses is also a statistic.

40. Gloves

Not unlike the gripe with squad numbers, who cares?

37. Formations

By this point I’m assuming that Solhekol’s piece is almost entirely satiric. The formations, set attacking runs, selective man-marking, and subsequent strategies are all a part of the general preparation for a match of beautiful improvisation. Like a seasoned jazz musician, the players must prepare and perform with a strategic foundation so their abilities in improvisation can flourish.

23. Kaka and the money problem

Sport is one of the only true meritocracies in the world. Quality arts are seldom rewarded and the most popular pieces of literature and music are often the most accessible. Sport, however, is based purely on performance. If the general public were morally outraged they would boycott games, stop buying replica kits and scarves, and stop responding to advertising within and surrounding the sport. If the sport itself yields the kind of revenue (supported by the public) that offers players 100+ million a year; I don’t understand how we can complain.

18. Opinions

Self-referential post-modern comedy? No? Then put your headphones on and turn your computer off. Opinions are what drives discussion and influence. If you don’t have an opinion, you’re probably dead.

15. Tattoos

How uptight of a journalist must you be to have a problem with what people do with their own skin. I suppose we should all live out of the Old Testament and reconsider shaving, eating pork, reaping our fields to the edges, and revenging the blood guilt of our fathers. Live and let live.

11. Kick-off times

The television market is the largest platform for advertising revenue, not to mention the only way that those of us who don’t live in England can watch the EPL. Having a problem with shameless advertising is understandable, ignoring the importance of the medium to football fans everywhere is sad.

6. Radio phone-in shows

Again, something that you can choose to ignore and I’ll just comment briefly on the impossible logic behind the fictitious conversation: TV coverage has a better view of the field of play than one solitary viewing point in a stadium. With the advent of replay, it is now possible to disagree with a refs decision and be absolutely sure of your opinion. While replay should never enter into the game itself, it gives the fan something to feel right about, as well as showcasing the skills of our favorite players.

5. Rotation

When you are a top club, you play more games, in more competitive tournaments. Risking your best players (to injury, or fatigue) against a lousy club is not just poor management, but ultimately stupid. This isn’t youth football. It’s a business and a profession.

1. Television

Already addressed in kick-off times, the usage of television as an outlet for football is of the utmost importance to the expansion of interest in the sport and the global love of the game.

Dead on. Got one of those at every one of my games, and for some reason they always end sitting close to me.

Unfortunately, they also seem to be non sport-specific. MLB, NBA, NFL games… you name it.

It’s just a bit of fun. Entertaining and witty. Enjoyed it!