The Times‘s 50 Worst Things About Modern Football
Football is one of the greatest things in the world but it’s not perfect. It used to be perfect. Before money and television and the Bosman ruling and Baby Bentleys and roastings and tattoos and takeovers and no standing and agents and prawn sandwiches and rotation.
English newspaper The Times takes a stab at the “50 Worst Things about Modern Football”. “It could have been 500″ they add.
Without question, football as we know it experienced some sort of a genetic mutation of the last 20-30 years. And for the Times writers, the common denominator as the “root of all evil” seems to be… MONEY! What else?
Indeed, the “European Champion Clubs’ Cup” sold out and became the “Champions League” (Nº3), with all the money-making evilness going along with it (“If you won the European Cup, you were the best team in Europe. If you win the Champions League, you owe someone £700 million.“). The FA Cup (Nº9), which used to be a competition where “milkmen” and “postmen” scored at Wembley stadium, has now turned into yet another money-making enterprise where a “bloke earning £100k a week wins a trophy he doesn’t give a $#!+ about“.
And what can be said about Transfer windows at Nº48 (“Going shopping twice a year wouldn’t work in real life and it doesn’t work in football.“) or Undisclosed transfer fees at Nº44 (“If you’re going to spend some of my hard-earned season ticket money on a player I’ve never heard of, I want to know how much he cost. I’m not interested in add-ons or projected fees. I just want a number. Any number will do.“)? Further of moolah’s corrupting power.
But let’s take a break from the money-related stuff. Let’s consider things like fu**ing Squad numbers (Nº47) and auto-bloody-biographies (Nº48). Remember the days when the team’s best player was Nº10, goalkeepers were Nº1, and no number went beyond 30? Now watching the Premiership seems like watching an NFL game. Also, “Wayne Rooney has already written two books. That’s one more than he’s read.“. If only he could write as well as he could speak in front of a microphone (blame Media Training for that, Nº24)…. wait never mind.
Passing along Opinions (Nº18) and Internet message boards (Nº16) (“Rafa’s God. Rafa’s an idiot. Becks is past it. No, he’s not. Your team sucks, my team’s better.” etc.), as well as musical renditions we’ve all grown to hate (Nº22: Let Me Entertain You, Nº10: Goal celebration music), we eventually go back to the root of all evil: $$$. So what better than Kaká (Nº23, “If he’s not interested in money why do AC Milan have to pay him £173,000 a week?) and Manchester City (Nº12, “The new Chelsea.“) to cap things off…
And THE worst thing about modern football according to Times writers? Nº1: Television, because it is “the monster” that ate it all. Nuff said.
.
Feel free to add more “WORST THINGS” about modern football in the comments below.
.
.
.
 soccerlens.com/files/2009/01/50technical_areas.jpg" style="margin-right:15px" title="The Timess 50 Worst Things About Modern Football" alt="50technical areas The Timess 50 Worst Things About Modern Football" /> |
Nº50: Technical areas |
| Did Bob Paisley need a technical area when Liverpool won three European Cups and six league titles? Did Alf Ramsey need a technical area when England won the World Cup? What’s so technical about a bit of grass and some white lines, anyway? Memo to all modern managers: Sit down and shut up. |
| Nº49: Motorway service stations |
 |
| You pop in to go to the toilet and five minutes later you’ve bought a full-English breakfast for £18.99 and joined the AA. |
 |
Nº48: Transfer windows |
| Imagine if you could only do your shopping twice a year – once in January and then in June, July and August. What would happen? You’d have a fridge full of beer and you’d run out of toilet paper. It wouldn’t work in real life and it doesn’t work in football. |
| Nº47: Squad numbers |
 |
| Remember the days when the best player was Nº10 and goalkeepers were Nº1? Not any more. Thanks to someone at the Premier League watching an American football game, players can have any number they want. George Bowyer is Rochdale’s Nº33, Ronaldinho is AC Milan’s Nº80 and William Gallas is Arsenal’s Nº10. Why? |
 |
Nº46: Autobiographies |
| There comes a time in every player’s life when he decides — or his agent tells him — to write his life story. A couple of interviews with a ghostwriter later and hey presto we have 200 pages of guff and absolutely zero interest from the book-buying public. Wayne Rooney has already written two books. That’s one more than he’s read. |
| Nº45: Craig Bellamy |
 |
| He’s gobby, he’s played for 842 clubs, he’s covered in tattoos and he earns £90,000 a week. What’s not to like? |
 |
Nº44: Undisclosed transfer fees |
| If you’re going to spend some of my hard-earned season ticket money on a player I’ve never heard of, I want to know how much he cost. I’m not interested in add-ons or projected fees. I just want a number. Any number will do. |
| Nº43: Statistics |
 |
| American obsession that is gradually weaving itself into the fabric of our national game. Do you care how many assists Wayne Rooney has this season? Do you care how many passes Steve Gerrard has completed in the final third? Do you care if Gareth Barry’s tackle win ratio has dropped off since Christmas? Thought not. There’s only one stat that matters. The score. |
 |
Nº42: By mutual consent |
| Three of the most meaningless words in the English language. Either the manager resigned or he was sacked. Just tell us the truth, we can handle it. |
| Nº41: Fans who complain when games are called off |
 |
| Were little white things falling out of the sky when you walked to the car this morning? Was the pavement a bit slippery? If the answer to both these questions is yes, there’s a good chance the game’s going to be called off. It’s not the referee’s fault, it’s not the FA’s fault and it’s not the groundsman’s fault. Some things just weren’t meant to be. |
 |
Nº40: Gloves |
| This is England, not Siberia. Your hands will warm up if you run around for five minutes. |
| Nº39: The fat bloke in row P |
 |
| Go to any football ground anywhere in England and there will be a fat bloke in your row who will a) arrive late b) talk rubbish c) leave five minutes before half time d) come back five minutes after the game has restarted e) talk rubbish f) leave five minutes before the game has finished. |
 |
Nº38: The manager’s programme column |
| “First off I’d like to say a big welcome to blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah we were robbed last week blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah the lads have been training brilliantly blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah get behind the lads today blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Enjoy the game.” |
| Nº37: Formations |
 |
| Yawn. 4-4-1-1, 4-3-2-1, 4-3-3, 4-1-4-1, 4-2-3-1, 3-5-2, 4-2-1-3. Can’t we just knock it up to the big bloke and get the little bloke to bang it in? |
| Nº35: Sky Sports News |
 |
| The television station that thinks John Carew’s ingrowing toenail responding to treatment is breaking news. Is Sky Sports News the greatest invention known to man or a drug more addictive than crack? We’ll be back after the break. |
 |
Nº34: trainline.com |
| If you fancy following your team around the country by public transport, don’t bother with one of the worst websites in the world. Try telling it you want a train from Manchester to London on Saturday night – journey time 2 hours 30 minutes. No problem. Get the 21:06 to Birmingham New Street. Then jump on 22:53 to Northampton. Then hop on the 04:58 bus to Leighton Buzzard. Then hop on the 06.44 bus to London. With any luck you’ll be in Euston at 8 o’clock on Sunday morning — journey time 11 hours. |
| Nº33: Added time |
 |
| “The fourth official has indicated that there will be three minutes of added time”. So what? We got along just fine without a bloke in a tracksuit holding up a big No 3 at a quarter to five every Saturday. |
 |
Nº32: Joey Barton |
| We don’t like to kick a man when he’s down, but he did, so here goes. Type “Joey Barton Scum” into google and you get 30,500 results. |
| Nº31: Official statements |
 |
| Did Robinho really say, “I am committed to helping Manchester City become the force the owners assured me they would become”? Maybe one of his agents typed it into his Blackberry. Robinho doesn’t know what “committed” or “assured” mean because he doesn’t speak English. |
 |
Nº30: Match Of The Day |
| Used to be the best programme on TV. Now, it’s the best football highlights show on TV on Saturday nights. |
| Nº29: Electronic pitchside advertising boards |
 |
| Next time you go to Old Trafford make sure you take some sunglasses, otherwise you’ll be blinded by the light from the adverts on the TV screens wrapped around the pitch. A word of advice for the skinny latte-sipping Soho adman who came up with this idea: We can’t afford a new Audi. We’re here for the football and the beer. |
 |
Nº28: Referee’s assistants |
| They’re linesmen. End of. |
| Nº27: Hi-tech dugouts |
 |
| Minutes from Manchester United board meeting May 2007: Sir Alex Ferguson requested that the board sanction the removal of the plastic seats in the home and away dugouts at Old Trafford. The manager wants them replaced with leather racing car seats like the ones they have in Porsches and Ferraris. Sir Bobby said that was ridiculous. Sir Alex told Sir Bobby to shut up. |
 |
Nº26: The fourth official |
| Pointless — like Luton Town until last Saturday. |
| Nº25: Club shops |
 |
| Empires of tat and greed that make your local Poundstretcher look like Harrods. The club shop at the Emirates Stadium has a special section for Arsenal presents for your dog. The Stamford Bridge megastore sells Chelsea Christmas crackers — £10.43 for a pack of six — and Manchester United have ventured into the toiletries market. Ever fancied washing your hair with Manchester United shampoo and conditioner? Now you can. For £9.99. |
 |
Nº24: Media training |
| All Premier League players and managers are given media training to make sure that they never say anything remotely interesting when someone puts a microphone in front of them. Now you know why they’re taking one game at a time, why they didn’t see their captain punch one of his team-mates, why they haven’t thrown in the towel yet and why everything is going to be terrific. |
| Nº23: Kaká |
 |
| If he’s not interested in money why do AC Milan have to pay him £173,000 a week? … …. …… |
 |
Nº22: Let Me Entertain You |
| Atrocious Robbie Williams song that has ruined the build-up to every single football game in the world since it was released in 1998. |
| Nº21: Points deductions |
 |
| This is England, not Italy. Deducting points from teams because they failed to comply with the Football League’s insolvency rules or because they paid agents through a holding company has turned the bottom of League Two into a joke. Luton Town started the season on minus 30 points. The team at the bottom of the table should be the worst side in the league, not the club with the idiot accountant. |
 |
Nº20: Official club websites |
| Good for getting directions to the ground, but not much else. |
| Nº19: ITV |
 |
| We haven’t forgotten about the ITV Digital disaster and your FA Cup coverage isn’t much to shout about either. |
 |
Nº18: Opinions |
| We live in an “Everyone’s entitled to my opinion” kind of world and when it comes to football, everyone’s got one. Rafa’s God. Rafa’s an idiot. Becks is past it. No, he’s not. How can Kaka be worth £100 million? Yeh, but you’d pay £45 to see him play. Stevie G and Lamps can’t play together. But they’re the best we’ve got. Can’t we all just shut up and watch the game? |
| Nº17: Brazil |
 |
| The greatest team in the world have become football’s Harlem Globetrotters. Ronaldinho and Co have played only one friendly in Brazil in the past 2 ½ years. In the meantime they’ve put on a show in Oslo, Kuwait, Stockholm, London (four, about to be five, times), Basel, Gothenburg, Dortmund, Montpellier, Chicago, Boston, Dublin, Seattle and Boston. Ker-ching. |
 |
Nº16: Internet message boards |
| My team’s better than yours. No, my team’s better than yours. No, my team’s better than yours. No. my team’s better than yours. Repeat until the world ends. |
| Nº15: Tattoos |
 |
| When we were kids only sailors and binmen had tattoos. Now, you can’t walk into a dressing-room without being blinded by Celtic crosses, barbed wire, angels, Chinese proverbs, the name of everyone’s kids, the name of everyone’s kids in Hebrew, the name of everyone’s wife, the name of everyone’s wife in Latin, a couple of Welsh dragons and Steve Sidwell’s marriage vows. |
 |
Nº14: Superagents |
| How does an agent become a superagent? Make a few phone calls, get friendly with Roman Abramovich and buy a flat in Knightsbridge. |
| Nº13: Injuries |
 |
| “We’re down to the bare bones” and it’s not surprising considering that modern-day footballers are about as tough and durable as a Ming vase. Half of them can’t run without pulling a hamstring and the other half can’t tackle with breaking a metatarsal. What’s a hamstring anyway? And how come Bobby Moore never pulled one? |
 |
Nº12: Manchester City |
| The new Chelsea. |
| Nº11: Kick-off times |
 |
| Football used to be played at three o’clock on a Saturday afternoon. Now it’s played when it suits Sky and Setanta. |
 |
Nº10: Goal celebration music |
| Listen. Very. Carefully. We. Don’t. Want. To. Hear. I. Feel. Good. Chelsea. Dagger. Or. Song. Two. Every. Time. Someone. Scores. A. Goal. Got. That? |
| Nº9: The FA Cup |
 |
| When was the last time a milkman lifted the FA Cup? When was the last time a postman scored at Wembley? There’s nothing romantic about a competition which ends every year with a bloke who earns £100,000 a week lifting a trophy that he doesn’t really give a monkey’s about. |
 |
Nº8: Takeovers |
| In the old days all you needed to support your local club was a scarf and rattle, but these days you need a degree in economics, an MBA and a subscription to the Financial Times. Come back all you butchers, car dealers, property developers and local boys made good — all is forgiven. |
| Nº7: Wembley Stadium |
 |
| The old Wembley Stadium had it all. Players dreamed of playing there and supporters dreamed of going there – even if the toilets smelled a bit funny. Then some bright spark at the FA thought it would be a good idea to knock down the most famous football stadium in the world and replace it with an £800 million concrete box and a pointless arch. Best stadium in the world? Thanks to Arsenal’s new ground, the new Wembley’s not even the best stadium in North London. |
 |
Nº6: Radio phone-in shows |
“”The next caller is Gary from Guildford. What do you want to get off your chest, Gary?”
“Well, Alan. I think Rafa’s got to go. How can you leave Torres on the bench when you need three points? And as for that ref, he’s got to be the worst ref I’ve ever seen.”
“Were you at the game, Gary?”
“No.”" |
| Nº5: Rotation |
 |
| You pay £50 for a ticket, you spend £10 on a pint of beer and a hotdog and you get to watch a kickabout between a bunch of kids no-one’s ever heard of. Thanks Arsene. Thanks Rafa. Thanks Alex. Nice to know you care. |
 |
Nº4: New stadium |
| Where would you rather watch a game? Maine Road or the City of Manchester Stadium? The Baseball Ground or Pride Park? Highfield Road or The Ricoh Arena? The Dell or St Mary’s? Filbert Street or The Walkers Stadium? Nice prawn sandwiches, though. |
| Nº3: The Champions League |
 |
| What’s changed since the European Cup turned into the Champions League in 1992? Everything. If you won the European Cup, you were the best team in Europe. If you win the Champions League, you owe someone £700 million. |
 |
Nº2: The Premier League |
| What’s changed since the Premier League broke away from the Football League in 1992? Everything. If you won the First Division title, you were the best team in England. If you win the Premier League, you owe someone £500 million. |
| Nº1: Television |
 |
| The monster that ate football. ………………………….. ………………… ……………. ………………… |
.
Topics: Arsenal, Chelsea, English Premier League, FA Cup, Features, Lists, Liverpool, Manchester City, Manchester United, Off The Record
Football News 24/7
Good article. But I didn’t understand #2 and #3. Why do you owe 500m and 700m pounds? And television didn’t eat it. There some people that don’t have the time, money or just dont live in a country were football (EPL, La Liga, Serie A…) can be seen. And TV has made it great.
January 31st, 2009 @ 23:01#45 really made me laugh!
January 31st, 2009 @ 23:02Some were ok, but really… make them 20, or something like that! 50?? and many of those made me want to give the little cry baby his bottle and send him to sleep!
January 31st, 2009 @ 23:40Top article!! absolutely loved it
January 31st, 2009 @ 23:47I got #2 and #3.
February 1st, 2009 @ 00:09Can you explain me please!
I didnt really
February 1st, 2009 @ 01:14They’re saying that if you’re capable of winning those competitions, you must owe someone that amount of money, as in the modern game expensive players and the resulting debt are the only way to win. They are not saying that the clubs owe money *as a result* of winning, only that that amount of money is necessary to win the FA Cup or Champions League.
Pretty rediculous article I thought. All ‘major’ sports have become businesses now, football is just the most popular one in the UK and is thus the most profitable. Players of PL quality are in short supply and this has caused wage inflation. If you hate this, you hate the way of the modern world.
February 1st, 2009 @ 02:28Thanks!
February 1st, 2009 @ 02:45Did the Times give you permission to republish their entire article?
February 1st, 2009 @ 03:20wtf? just copy paste the article! why ask for permission?
February 1st, 2009 @ 06:08The article is write tho!!!!
February 1st, 2009 @ 10:47@FrankF27: Agree #45 is a cracker!
It’s just a bit of fun. Entertaining and witty. Enjoyed it!
February 1st, 2009 @ 12:03#7 really make me wanna laugh loudly…
February 1st, 2009 @ 14:23“Nº39: The fat bloke in row Pâ€
Dead on. Got one of those at every one of my games, and for some reason they always end sitting close to me.
Unfortunately, they also seem to be non sport-specific. MLB, NBA, NFL games… you name it.
February 1st, 2009 @ 16:09The 13 Worst Parts of Solhekol’s “The 50 worst things about modern football”
I suppose Solhekol’s intent was comedy first, and through that comedy—a bit of legitimate criticism. While Solhekol invokes the tone of an embittered old man, reminiscing of the green pastures of an age lost, he is actually a young man that cannot possibly reflect upon a “golden age” he never experienced.
Here are the 13 worst parts of his piece:
48. Transfer windows
The analogy to domestic shopping has little, if nothing, to do with the transfer window. The window forces teams to plan out line-ups and acquisitions ahead of time and then reaping the harvest they have sown. If the window was more like American Hockey, we would have weekly transactions amounting to a trading card expose more analogous to the stock market. Also, the aspect of team loyalty (albeit already an issue) would disappear. Players would have no incentive to succeed over a long period of time and fans would never develop a relationship with the individual players of the club they support.
47. Squad numbers
Really? it’s a problem that a player feels like choosing one cardinal number versus another?
46. Autobiographies
Who’s at fault here? The player that writes the obligatory autobiography, or the sucker that feels a need to purchase a ghost written book about an athlete? Again, the demand of an ignorant public creates the situation for publication. If no one wanted them, they wouldn’t exist.
43. Statistics
Statistics are an inherent part of sports watching and analysis. They help to divide the numerical quality of a player and his team. Stating that statistics are an “American obsession” is a statement of ignorance that ignores the history of goal scoring records and team records of all kinds. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that most people want to know who the leading goal scorers are… and don’t forget: a teams record of wins and losses is also a statistic.
40. Gloves
Not unlike the gripe with squad numbers, who cares?
37. Formations
By this point I’m assuming that Solhekol’s piece is almost entirely satiric. The formations, set attacking runs, selective man-marking, and subsequent strategies are all a part of the general preparation for a match of beautiful improvisation. Like a seasoned jazz musician, the players must prepare and perform with a strategic foundation so their abilities in improvisation can flourish.
23. Kaka and the money problem
Sport is one of the only true meritocracies in the world. Quality arts are seldom rewarded and the most popular pieces of literature and music are often the most accessible. Sport, however, is based purely on performance. If the general public were morally outraged they would boycott games, stop buying replica kits and scarves, and stop responding to advertising within and surrounding the sport. If the sport itself yields the kind of revenue (supported by the public) that offers players 100+ million a year; I don’t understand how we can complain.
18. Opinions
Self-referential post-modern comedy? No? Then put your headphones on and turn your computer off. Opinions are what drives discussion and influence. If you don’t have an opinion, you’re probably dead.
15. Tattoos
How uptight of a journalist must you be to have a problem with what people do with their own skin. I suppose we should all live out of the Old Testament and reconsider shaving, eating pork, reaping our fields to the edges, and revenging the blood guilt of our fathers. Live and let live.
11. Kick-off times
The television market is the largest platform for advertising revenue, not to mention the only way that those of us who don’t live in England can watch the EPL. Having a problem with shameless advertising is understandable, ignoring the importance of the medium to football fans everywhere is sad.
6. Radio phone-in shows
Again, something that you can choose to ignore and I’ll just comment briefly on the impossible logic behind the fictitious conversation: TV coverage has a better view of the field of play than one solitary viewing point in a stadium. With the advent of replay, it is now possible to disagree with a refs decision and be absolutely sure of your opinion. While replay should never enter into the game itself, it gives the fan something to feel right about, as well as showcasing the skills of our favorite players.
5. Rotation
When you are a top club, you play more games, in more competitive tournaments. Risking your best players (to injury, or fatigue) against a lousy club is not just poor management, but ultimately stupid. This isn’t youth football. It’s a business and a profession.
1. Television
Already addressed in kick-off times, the usage of television as an outlet for football is of the utmost importance to the expansion of interest in the sport and the global love of the game.
February 1st, 2009 @ 18:32jeez calm down,its only a bit of fun
February 2nd, 2009 @ 03:48“jeez calm down,its only a bit of fun” – duffman90
I would say the same thing to the author.
February 2nd, 2009 @ 19:31What’s so funny about TV being the monster that ate football ?
FWIW, the worst thing about football is definitely and by far bad reffing.
February 3rd, 2009 @ 19:33Yo Ryan, No need to analyze and dissect it from every angle. just appreciate the article for what it is… a bit of a laugh.
P.S. that one about the fat bloke was top
February 4th, 2009 @ 02:08