The Soccerlens Cheaters And Scoundrels XI
Soccerlens bring to you: The Cheaters XI – which is basically just the England squad of the last five or so years (plus a few peripherals) which, you can’t help but feel, may say more about the British tabloid press than it does about the skewed fidelity of our nation’s footballing protagonists!
1. Andy Goram -The schizophrenic (‘there’s only two Andy Gorams!’) Rangers ‘keeper had a bit of a reputation as a lady’s man during his stint at Ibrox, which was bolstered by the fact that he (and his alter-ego) managed to get his ‘bit on the side’ pregnant behind his wife’s back, conduct brief affairs with a retired porn star and a 17-year-old actress and get sent home from the 1998 World Cup in disgrace after an illicit liaison with BBW model Olga Orbs was made public all within the last decade of his 23-year career.
2. Ashley Cole – Thanks partly to his executive decision to boycott sole rights to ‘our’ Cheryl Tweedy‘s nether regions and partly to his ever-present, all-pervading greed, Cole is now booed every where he doth roam – even by onlookers at former Arsenal teammate Sol Campbell‘s wedding!
One of the many straws that broke the Tweedy/Cole marriage’s back was young Ashley’s alleged caper with a South London glamour model, who went straight to the tabloids when the Chelsea left-back sent nude photos of himself to her mobile phone.
3. John Terry – After several weeks of gagging orders and super-injunctions, England captain Terry was finally named and shamed by the News Of The World as the Chelsea player who had been cheating on his wife with the pregnant former girlfriend of one of his former teammates – i.e. Wayne Bridge‘s ex, Vanessa Perroncel.
After retiring from England duty in a bid to avoid Terry at all costs, Bridge duly dodged the chance to ‘shake and make-up’ when his current side, Manchester City, travelled to Stamford Bridge a month or so later.
4. David Beckham – A man who’s had more (mostly baseless) tabloid scandals than you can shake a stick at, ‘Teflon Balls’ has ridden them all out – but none of Becks’ many alleged dalliances have caused quite so much fracas as his brief flirtation with Rebecca Loos – news of which broke in 2004.
In April of said year, the News Of The World (yet again) carried claims by Beckham’s former personal assistant Loos that the two had partaken in an affair of the ‘extramarital’ variety, though the former England captain and his wife of 11 years Victoria have since moved to rubbish the entire hoo-ha.
A week after the Loos scandal broke, Malaysian-born model Sarah Marbeck also claimed that Becks had had his wicked way with her on two separate occasions and only this year, the LA Galaxy star announced that he was forcibly suing prostitute Irma Nici (along with several others) over spurious claims made in In Touch magazine that he had been ‘playing away’ once again.
By the way, Loos was last seen ‘extracting’ semen from a pig on a British reality TV show in the exact manner in which you are imagining it to have happened right now.
5. George Best – The sport’s original playboy, many of Best’s philandering antics are considered as ‘genesis’ for today’s hordes of cash-rich, imagination-starved footballing ne’er-do-wells.
During his frequent circulations round the burgeoning club scene of 1960′s Manchester, the Northern Irish wizard amassed more girlfriends, mistresses, one-night stands, sweethearts and ‘bits of rough’ that you could possibly fathom with your puny human brain.
It’s a good job he was so damn good on the pitch, or Best would have probably ended up at the bottom of the Shipping Canal before too long – especially given his insatiable penchant for ‘other men’s wives’ and all.
6. Franck Ribery – The Bayern Munich winger was fingered (along with national teammates Karim Benzema and Sidney Govou) for soliciting favours from underage French prostitute Zahia Dehar in a summer scandal that swept through Les Bleus‘ set-up and threatened to derail their entire World Cup campaign – hindsight can be a real bitch sometimes.
For the record, Ribery is said to have flown 17-year-old Zahia from France to Germany on several occasions and paid up to £2,000 per night for sex, that was until police raided the notorious Champs Elysee brothel from which she and 18 other nymphets were operating.
7. Gianluigi Lentini -At one point in 1992, Italian winger Lentini was the most expensive player of all time, having moved from Torino to AC Milan for a fairly hefty £13 million fee.
A year or so later, the 24-year-old was in a coma having crashed his sports car into a ditch at well over 100 kph after allegedly being spotted leaving the house of Italia ’90 star Toto Schillaci‘s estranged wife by a group of Milan fans.
Lentini fractured his skull but thankfully made a full recovery, though he was unable to deliver on the early promise he had shown at both the Granata and the Rossoneri.
8. Garrincha – The legendarily stumpy Brazilian winger is just as (in)famous for his long list of personal indiscretions as he was for his uncanny ability to tear open opposition defences in the years between 1955 and 1966.
Having lost his virginity to a goat at the tender age of 12 (him, not the goat), Garrincha duly set about humping everything that he – if you’ll excuse the pun – came across for the next 30 years.
So far, paternity tests have proven that Garrincha spawned fourteen children during his lifetime, though there are another 24 of his potential offspring still claiming to be products of the former Botafogo forward’s fertile loins – most of which have nothing to do with either of his two wives.
Fledgling skank Monica Mint then sold her stroy to the tabloids, claiming that Crouch had paid her a ridiculously specific £829 for a hour of naughty times – though, as Clancy has since confirmed that she has a bun in the oven, it would appear that all has been forgiven.
10. Ronaldo – R9 slides in at 10. Back in April 2008, Mr Nazario de Lima was reported to have dropped his girlfriend (now wife) Maria Beatriz Antony off at her home in the suburbs of Rio de Janeiro and then gone kerb-crawling for three prostitutes to bonk.
With a suitable trio of ‘professionals’ in tow, Ronaldo checked into a motel and was just about to let all hell break loose when he had the misfortune of discovering that his trio of ‘women of ill-repute’ were all actually ‘very feminine men of ill-repute’.
The buck-toothed Lothario attempted to pay the ‘girls’ off in return for their silence, but before long every Brazilian news outlet worth their salt had the story splashed across their front page. What’s the world coming to when you can’t even trust whores anymore?
11. Wayne Rooney – Rooney had previously enjoyed several £45′s worth of ugly-bumping with ‘Auld Slapper’ Patricia Kierney and brief £140 council house romp with teenage prostitute Charlotte Glover, before finally unveiling his piece de resistance earlier this year.
After eight months of doleful domestic form and a simply horrific World Cup with England, Rooney finally ‘fessed up in September that he has been cheating on his pregnant wife with £1,200-a-night rich-girl hooker (‘Juicy Jenny’ Thompson) in a Manchester hotel for the past couple of months.
On the bench: Stan Collymore (Dogging), Mark Bosnich and Dwight Yorke (Cross-dressing orgy), Frank Lampard (Spanish chaffeur), Oliver Kahn (Heavily pregnant wife? What heavily pregnant wife?) The Israel side of 1999 (Why are there used condoms everywhere?) Malcolm Allison (snapped with a naked pornstar) Tommy Doherty (had an affair with the Man Utd physio’s wife)… etc… etc….