I’m sure you have heard about Coke Zero – Wayne Rooney’s Street Striker show. We also showed you the little stunt Rooney pulled where he’s dribbling (kind of) through a bunch of randomly rolled tires (if not, click here). We got hold of more of the clippings of the show.

Soccerlens now presents, behind the scenes of Coke Zero – Wayne Rooney’s Street Striker:

Fabio Capello is not one to give too much away, his demeanour surly enough for ITV’s Clive Tyldsley to describe the Italian as “old poker face” during last night’s dead-rubber win over Belarus at Wembley. But prior to the game, the England manager had given the story-writers plenty to work with by suggesting that his squad for next summer’s World Cup had “seven or eight” spots available.

It would appear that the players had heard this too. Several of the would-be support-cast were given chances to stake their claim last night. Several managed to. Peter Crouch’s brace took his international tally to an incredible 18 in 35 appearances – comparable with the likes of Michael Owen, Fernando Torres or Miroslav Klose. Shaun Wright-Phillips worked hard in an unfamiliar left-wing role and was rewarded with a goal, whilst James Milner, Gabriel Agbonlahor & Ben Foster all showed glimpses of their talents.

The Right Sided Conundrum

Meanwhile, David Beckham’s man-of-the-match award – given to him by former Manchester United colleague Steve Bruce – may have been contested by many, his impact and quality surely could not be. The LA Galaxy media circus/midfielder is certainly the odd one out when it comes to Capello’s right sided options, in that he lacks pace and direct running ability, but he is also unique in the sense that his final ball is reliable and consistent. A January move to Milan will all but guarantee his spot in the squad.

With Theo Walcott’s stock still high despite recent injuries, it means that one of either Wright-Phillips or Aaron Lennon is likely to miss out. Both are very much form players, capable of explosiveness one minute, anonymity the next. The one in form come the end of the season may well be the one Capello picks. James Milner is another option, and his versatility – he appeared last night as a left-back – may well work in his favour. A lack of genuine class and goal threat however, may count against him.

The rest – David Bentley, Ashley Young – have some serious work to do before they are even considered.

Goalkeeper

Capello’s Bete Noire, it has to be said. Gone are the days when David Seaman, Gordon Banks or Peter Shilton could simply be thrown the gloves and relied upon to do England proud. England’s current crop of keepers each have merits, but equally worrying weaknesses.

David James and Robert Green would appear to be the two certainties currently. Green’s dismissal in Dnipro last weekend count more against Rio Ferdinand than the West Ham stopper, whilst James – even at 39 – remains the country’s most reliable, experienced keeper.

The third spot is most definitely available. Foster has had a rough start to the season with Manchester United, but is well thought of in the England setup, and his performance last night will have given him confidence that he can avoid the fate of the likes of Scott Carson and Paul Robinson, both of whom saw their form plummet when in possession of the #1 jersey for their country.

Foster still faces competition: Robinson is back into a semblance of form with Blackburn, and is popular with many of the squad, whilst the likes of Joe Hart at Birmingham, and Wigan’s Chris Kirkland both have their supporters, and should be worked hard enough to play themselves into form come next summer.

Strikers

At the other end of the field, there are similar issues. Capello seems settled on a Wayne Rooney/Emile Heskey partnership as his first choice, but beyond those there is a raft of hopefuls looking for a place on the plane.

Crouch may well have barged his way to the front of the queue last night with his poacher’s double, but Capello may well reserve judgement on the Tottenham man’s reliability against elite opposition. His Spurs colleague, Jermain Defoe, is a much safer bet, especially if he retains the good form with which he has begun this season.

Agbonlahor appears very much a deputy for the deputies. His raw pace and energy was welcome last night, and he showed admirable awareness to lay on the opener for Crouch, but in international terms, the Villa man sits behind Defoe in terms of consistency, reliability and goalscoring.

His replacement last night was West Ham’s Carlton Cole, a player who has improved significantly over the past two years, but also one who has the potential to play his way out of form in the blink of an eye. For all his improvement at Upton Park, Cole has just 20 league goals in 82 appearances for the Hammers.

Michael Owen, on form, outshines them all. Injuries, however, and a lack of playing time at Manchester United, have forced England’s fourth-highest goalscorer way down the pecking order. He was at Wembley last night to watch the young pretenders have their chance, no doubt hoping for one of his own before the final squad is named.

The Squad

So here goes. Attempting to name the squad a full seven months before Capello has to may well be a dangerous game, but the Italian’s comments have inspired me. See if you agree.

Goalkeepers: David James, Robert Green, Ben Foster

Defenders: Glen Johnson, Wes Brown, Wayne Bridge, Ashley Cole, John Terry, Rio Ferdinand, Matthew Upson

Midfielders: Steven Gerrard, Frank Lampard, Gareth Barry, Owen Hargreaves, Joe Cole, David Beckham, Aaron Lennon, Theo Walcott

Forwards: Wayne Rooney, Peter Crouch, Emile Heskey, Jermain Defoe

1966 was a great year, or so I’m told by those of an age able to remember it.

It has been a long time since England lifted the highest honour in International football, too long in fact, and many have been brave enough to predict South Africa will be the location for the Three Lions to finally end the years of hurt for the England faithful.

Trouble is I’ve heard all this before, and after so many England related predictions that have fallen short I am now perhaps not sceptical, more cautiously optimistic on how the team will actually faire in the pressure cooker environment of the tournament proper.

Even the most cynical of fans must admit however that circumstance is a little different this time around.

Firstly there can be no question marks over the pedigree of the man charged with leading the side into battle. Fabio Capello is as good and as astute as they come. His trophy hall at club level all over Europe is to vast to list exhaustively, but suffice it to say it would be quicker to go over what he hasn’t won than what he has. There have been no signs that he has had any trouble translating his talents at club level to the International stage, his England appearing a very different prospect from that which he inherited.

So no excuses that England have the wrong man at the helm… so what about the players?

If England are to threaten winning the trophy next year then Wayne Rooney will have to have the tournament of his career so far. He has been in great form for club and country this term, flourishing in the new found responsibility thrust upon him at United now that Ronaldo has moved on. This can only benefit England as Rooney is growing into the talismanic, or as the Americans would like to call it ‘franchise’ player that England will need him to be.

The other main protagonists aren’t too shabby either, Gerrard, Lampard, Terry, Ferdinand, A. Cole would get in most if not any side in the world. Not a bad spine to the team then either.

The supporting cast have blown hot cold at various points since Capello took charge. Lennon has seemingly shaken off his persistent injury problems and found the sort of form that first got him into the side. Glen Johnson seems to be the only real option at right back for England at present. Better going forwards than backwards he is certainly a pressure point opposing teams will look to exploit.

The Goalkeeping position is still a hotly contested debate, although Capello has stated he knows who his first choice for the tournament is already. He hasn’t told us yet though I notice. Ben Foster has looked much improved for United in recent games but is yet to convince. Again England have many options here and I feel the race is still open for one of them to claim the shirt as their own before the end of the season.

Coming back from injury are Downing, Joe Cole and Owen Hargreaves who could yet feature for England in South Africa. If fully fit and firing, all three players would be a great asset to the squad although only time will tell what sort of season each will have. England have a number of wide options to choose from when you consider Walcott, Lennon, SWP and Young are also all in contention. (Discounting Beckham and Gerrards new found role in the team playing wide left).

And so it would seem that England certainly have the tools for the job on paper. There is also a new found steel and grit that the team was sorely lacking under previous regimes. However I still feel there is a delicacy about the way England’s fortune is decided. Beaten by Spain and France (although in friendly games) under Capello shows that the side is far from unbeatable when faced with top class opposition. No disrespect to Croatia but I don’t hear anyone touting them as potential winners in South Africa.

As everyone knows this England side are in a now or never moment. The big players are peaking in terms of their age and relative performance levels, and it will be all downhill for them in the main after this tournament. Capello continues to build and improve the side with every passing fixture and I for one would not doubt his ability to pull it all together for the big show next summer.

Still I can’t seem to shake that though in the back of my mind that takes the form of a penalty shootout that prematurely ends what could be a year to remember for English football.

The season so far has had its ups and downs for the Reds. A shock defeat to Burnley certainly wasn’t in the script, as the world looks on intently to see how the reigning Premiership Champions set about life after Ronaldo and ‘that’ final in Rome, to defending their domestic crown to make it four League titles in a row and surpass the record of their long time Merseyside rivals Liverpool.

The summer saw a great deal of upheaval at United with the long and protracted saga of Cristiano Ronaldo’s move to Real Madrid finally concluded, thoughts turned to the future of one Carlos Tevez who had established himself as a real fans favourite at Old Trafford during his two year stay. Life at United is never far from the back pages, but never before have the Reds had to share so many column inches with the blue team of Manchester, and in the end so it proved a controversial move to Man City was to unfold for Tevez leaving United seemingly short in the striking department.

Ferguson then proceeded to bring in Michael Owen and Valencia assuring the slightly disgruntled United faithful that youth players like Macheda and Welbeck would be given more playing time and responsibility to produce a goal return for the senior side in the coming season. Now five games in, we are in a position to take stock of the state of play at Old Trafford and assess what can and should be expected for the remainder of the campaign.

Firstly, I can see no argument to suggest that a team can improve by selling its best player. Ronaldo was just that for United and although we have seen Rooney respond fantastically to the increased responsibility of leading the team, there should be no confusing the fact that the sum of all the parts is less with Ronaldo out of the side.

However United are a different proposition now, and a team still trying to feel it’s way into a new system. For the first time in many seasons there could be a genuine debate as to what United’s best 11 is. Aside from Rooney, Vidic, Evra and Ferdinand, Alex Ferguson can and has picked a variety of different player combinations based on a number of factors, namely: form, fitness and which players have the best characteristics for beating the opposition in question. This rotation approach has the benefit of making life harder for opposing teams to predict how best to set up against United, however it should also be considered that this has not helped the continuity of the transition to the new way of playing either.

The Premier League race this year is proving to be one of the closest run in a very long time. Man City in particular are off to a flyer, and even after their loss to United at the weekend Tottenham are still considered by many as genuine contenders to crash the Top Four party.

The upcoming Manchester derby provides a mouth watering prospect of duels and battles both on and off the field with United looking to inflict City’s first defeat of the season and the Blues desperate to get one over their long time dominant local adversary. With a resurgent Arsenal and Chelsea looking as strong as ever, it may prove to be Liverpool that come the end of the season suffer the embarrassment of Champions league exile, only time will tell.

The Reds certainly still have the tools to compete for trophies on all fronts, and the squad will be looking to prove that despite the loss of the current Ballon d’or holder they were by no means a one man team. With Owen Hargreaves set to make a long awaited return from injury to bolster the midfield, along with Anderson finally breaking his scoring duck things are looking up for United.

Dimitar Berbatov continues to flatter to deceive, showing moments of brilliance and then disappearing for large parts of games. Owen is also seemingly still trying to find his feet in a team that is expected to win every match, although he has stayed clear of injury thus far which will have surprised some.

It would be foolish to suggest that United won’t be at the sharp end of things when that time of the season rolls around for the medals to be handed out. Like the rest of the contenders though, United know they are going to have to fight and earn every point in this campaign even more so than the last.

With a big part of the artillery gone from the successful team of last season, question marks still hang over United’s ability to deliver consistently when it matters. With wins over Arsenal and a high flying Tottenham since the Burnley defeat, any self doubt that may have crept into the minds of the United players will be slowly seeping away.

Perhaps the question is more will the pretenders to the thrown have enough to take the title away from United this term, because they will certainly not be surrendering it lightly.

In a season which has already produced its fair share of talking points, the Premier League once more exploded into life after the two week recess, with a flurry of goals and a controversy set to dominate the back pages long after the match reports have faded.

On the up:

Manchester City

Let us forget for a moment the behaviour of Emmanuel Adebayor (more on which to follow) and focus upon an otherwise scintillating display of counter attacking football from Mark Hughes’ team. In the space of fifteen devastating 2nd half minutes, the light blues ripped apart the Gunners with exactly the brand of fast, incisive, hit them on the break football which has been a hallmark of Arsene Wenger’s team in recent times. Arsenal simply had no answer for the pace and movement of the City attack and despite once again playing beautiful football and dominating the bulk of possession, they lacked the necessary cutting edge and competitive bite in midfield.

Wayne Rooney

His pace, movement off the ball and boundless energy proved far too much for Tottenham. Rooney has started the season on fire and ominously looks to be getting better. He will never fill Ronaldo’s shoes as they are completely different players. However, on the evidence of the season thus far, he looks more than capable assuming the mantle as the catalyst for another United title charge. If he can control the hot tempered lack of judgement which has at times blighted his career to date (and that remains a big if), this could be a very special season.

Manchester United

Games vs Spurs are starting to feel like a sort of Groundhog Day. Fall behind and then bounce back to comprehensively outplay and easily defeat your opponent. It’s as if these matches follow a preset formula. More importantly for United, having produced far less than their best in a fortunate victory over Arsenal, they were back on cruise control here. Even with ten men following Scholes’ justified dismissal, they never looked in danger.

Robin Van Persie

Despite the result going against his team, ‘RVP’ can take a lot away from his performance and conduct at Eastlands. His importance to the Arsenal side cannot be underestimated and Wenger must have been a relieved man indeed when the Dutchman finally signed his long term contract extension in the summer. On Saturday, he led the line with aplomb, produced a fine moment of individual skill for the equaliser and conducted himself with dignity, both on pitch and in the post match press conference following ‘that’ challenge.

Chelsea

Champions find a way to win. To the eye an under-par display, yet three points nonetheless and five straight wins for Ancelotti’s men. Chelsea have a long way to go to prove they are title material, yet is difficult to envisage all of their main rivals taking maximum points from the Britannia, and in that context it is an excellent result. It is also somewhat ironic that Stoke were finally undone deep into injury time by none other than a long throw into the box; with Malouda pouncing on the ensuing knockdown. Although in the final analysis substitute goalkeeper Simonsen may well feel he should have done better.

Liverpool

Liverpool needed to produce a clinical display against Burnley to calm the nerves after a less than convincing start to the season. Mission accomplished; though in truth we learnt very little from this performance. The gulf in class between the teams was obvious and although Burnley may provide an altogether sterner test on home soil at Turf Moor, they offered precious little here and it proved to be a stroll in the park for the red half of Merseyside.

Sliding down:

Emmanuel Adebayor

Perhaps it is the measure of the man that his actions on Saturday will serve to completely overshadow the otherwise fabulous beginning to his Man City career. The celebration was bad enough but a lengthy ban will surely follow for an act which can only be described as verging on common assault upon Robin Van Persie.

In fairness to the referee, it is difficult to pin-point intent when viewing the replay at game speed, let alone in a match situation without the benefit of a 2nd look. However, the slow motion paints an extremely harsh and unflattering picture. Already saddled with the tag of mercenary, I suspect far less pleasant adjectives will be forthcoming from fans and media alike. His post game apology for the goal celebration also seemed somewhat hollow. Heat of the moment? I doubt it; he knew what he was doing.

The saddest aspect is that, on most occasions such a celebration usually just riles the crowd and makes the player involved look like an egotistical childish twit. Unfortunately, Adebayor’s ill-judged actions also resulted in the wounding and hospitalisation of a match steward; struck by an object thrown from the away end. This in itself was an inexcusable act and if caught the culprit should rightly be prosecuted and banned for life. That said, we need not look far for the catalyst. In the long run, his goal in the game will mean little. His ‘other’ contributions may resonate a lot longer.

Portsmouth

Paul Hart will doubtless be spending a large portion of training this week working on the art of finishing. Bolton never deserved three points from the fixture, a fact readily admitted by Gary Megson after the game, and while fans may point (rightly so) to the harsh penalty decision awarded against Tal Ben Haim for a clean tackle, this would have been a mere sidebar if not for the home side’s incredible profligacy in front of goal. Having headed the equaliser, Younes Kaboul was then guilty of an appalling miss with a free header, while Frédéric Piquionne time and gain carved space for himself before spoiling promising moves with some truly atrocious finishing. Pompey do not have the quality to break down many teams this season and throwing away precious points against a struggling side such as Bolton looks ominous indeed.

Hull’s defence

What can one say other than oh dear. At times in the 2nd half, Hull’s defence would have been the laughing stock of the local park pitch. Looking across the line, there were often yards separating the full backs from centre halves, making Sunderland’s task of springing the offside trap something akin to taking candy from a baby. Kamil Zayette may have popped up with the first half equaliser but frankly he is picked and paid first and foremost as a defender and in that aspect his performance was truly shambolic. That Michael Turner scored and briefly ran toward the Hull supporters before turning behind the goal to embrace his new fans will only rub salt into raw wounds.

Manuel Almunia

He is good, but part of the problem for Arsenal is that he’s just not that good. Almunia simply does not belong at a top four club. Great header though it was from Micah Richards, I suspect a Given or Reina may well have kept it out and it’s such differences which may be telling in the final analysis of the season. Mostly he looks solid and he is certainly not out of place in the Premier League per se. However, Arsenal really need a truly commanding presence behind a back four which can be defensively uncertain at times, and I’m not convinced Almunia inspires the necessary level of confidence.

As it came, so it went. The opening week of action in the 09/10 Barclays Premier League is already down the road, the seemingly endless wait for a glimpse of England’s top stars made this season as eagerly anticipated as….well….last season’s, and 1.77m people so far have seen fit to take the life-changing plunge into the Premier League’s fantasy football game.

I say life-changing, because it is true. Honest. My own week has been spent cringing at Kevin Foley’s medial knee ligament injury, fretting over whether Frank Lampard or Wayne Rooney deserved the captain’s armband, and worshipping at the feet of Cesc Fàbregas. And my next week will be something similar I’m sure.

The men in form

It is arguably the hardest day of the season to predict a team for, the opening day. Most sides are loaded with new signings, new managers and new ideas, which makes second guessing a starting line-up difficult. As I found to my cost when Carlos Tévez was left out of Manchester City’s team to face Blackburn at Ewood Park- although a heel injury was more the reason in that case.

There are some who can be relied upon though, Fàbregas seemed to slip under the radar of the lads I know, but his propensity for performances such as the one he submitted at Everton last week made him a shoe-in for my team. Two goals, two assists, three bonus points and even a clean sheet (removed as he was in the 74th minute) earned the Spanish genius a whopping 22 points. Enough to ensure that, even without a midweek fixture, he remains top of the scoring charts.

Well, level with Glen Johnson that is. Liverpool’s £18m full back was one of the few players to emerge with any credit- or points- from the Reds’ insipid 2-1 defeat to Spurs on Sunday, and he picked up a superb 18 points last night as his side bounced back in style with a 4-0 win over Tony Pulis’ Stoke City. A goal, an assist, a clean sheet and man of the match. His Liverpool captain, Steven Gerrard, also chipped in, eleven points for Stevie G puts him second behind Cesc in the midfield charts, with 18.

Another England star on form is undoubtedly Jermain Defoe. Bursting into life after a quiet start in that Liverpool win, the Spurs striker rifled home a brilliant hat-trick to help put Hull City to the sword in a 5-1 win at the KC Stadium. 19 points from 2 games is good going, and his two goals for England make Defoe the in-form striker of the game.

As for the men at the back, well Burnley’s win over Manchester United grabbed enormous headlines today, and there was no doubt who the hero of that particular hour was- Clarets keeper Brian Jensen. A penalty save from Michael Carrick, an against-all-odds clean sheet and a man-of-the-match display gave the Big Dane 14 points, and makes him the league’s top scoring keeper/defender, level on points with Stoke’s Ryan Shawcross, whose opening day goal and clean sheet allows him to stay at the top despite last night’s mauling at Anfield.

The ones to avoid

Defensive midfielders. Stop it. Please. I’m not saying they are bad players, I’m really not. But for Fantasy purposes, just steer clear. Javier Mascherano, Nigel de Jong, Scott Parker & Jon Obi Mikel just aren’t cut out for points scoring. They usually retail around the £5m mark, for which price you can obtain a much more threatening player- think Stephen Hunt, Kieron Dyer, Luis Jimenez.

This may sound a bit strange, but Manchester United midfielders. You simply can’t rely on them to start, or to score points. Two games in, and their top scoring midfielder has four points. One could argue that Carrick, last night’s spot kick aberration aside, is a constant, but still the likes of Valencia, Park, Giggs, Anderson & Scholes are set for a rotational season, and therefore represent a risk at best.

Hull defenders. Right, I have Michael Turner and he is a good player, but seven goals shipped in two games make Hull stoppers the men to avoid here. Turner may well move on before the end of the transfer window, and if he does he may represent a sneaky bargain at £4.5m, but until he does he and his Tigers colleagues should be ignored.

The bargains

Hard to choose, hard to find, but the most rewarding of all I feel. Here are one or two bargains you might like to have a look at:

Stephen Hunt (Hull) £5m- Like him or not, Hunt is an all action wide midfielder with an eye for goal. He is also hugely dependable in terms of injuries and consistency. He will play, he will assist, he will score. Two in two already, at £5m the wild haired one represents a fine acquisition, both by Phil Brown and you.

Andrew Keogh (Wolves) £4.5m- Andrew Keogh is talented, make no mistake. When all eyes were on Billy Sharp’s goals at Scunthorpe a couple of years back, the connoisseurs were more impressed by Keogh’s all round class. The players’ respective career trajectories would tend to agree. With Sylvan Ebanks-Blake & Kevin Doyle short of fitness, Keogh has a chance to nail down a starting spot, and his winner at Wigan in midweek may well be the first step.

Anton Ferdinand (Sunderland) £4.5m- You ready for this? Steve Bruce. Is. A. Good. Manager. He organises teams well, he has faith in players, and his sides generally do pretty well. Sunderland should be no different. Ferdinand hasn’t had a great time on the North East, but with Bruce’s backing and Sunderland’s improving side, he should pick up plenty of points this term.

Alex Song (Arsenal) £5.5m- Bucking the trend of defensive midfielders, but that is because Alex Song is listed as a defender on the game. Therefore, he picks up clean sheets that his contemporary midfielders do not, and Arsenal’s fluid passing means he is likely to chip in the odd assist and even goal too. An improving player, and a good signing.

Nicklas Bendtner (Arsenal) £6.5m- Another Arsenal player granted, but Bendtner is enjoying an extended first team run in the absence of Nasri, Rosický, Walcott et al. Might not be the deadliest finisher, but creates chances, and can score goals. A new role on the right of Arsenal’s attack may be the making of him.

Upcoming Fixtures

• Arsenal v Portsmouth
• Birmingham v Stoke City
• Hull City v Bolton
• Man City v Wolves
• Sunderland v Blackburn
• Wigan v Man Utd
• West Ham v Tottenham
• Burnley v Everton
• Fulham v Chelsea
• Liverpool v Aston Villa

Home games for Arsenal, Manchester City & Liverpool may prove points havens, Manchester United face another tough Lancashire away-day, whilst Chelsea have a local derby of their own against impressive Fulham. Sunderland at home to Blackburn may well be a good home banker, especially with Darren Bent in such fine form, whilst Burnley will be on a high after their win over United, and a game against an Everton side in disarray may just be the perfect one for Owen Coyle and his men.

My team’s performance

Last week’s column saw me put my (admittedly risky) team on the line, as well as my reputation. After all, the guy giving out the tips and advice needs to know what he’s talking about, right? Well even if I say so myself, I think its been a pretty good week for me and my Baroque Social side. 122 points leaves me pretty well placed in all competitions.

Fàbregas helped of course, 22 points on his own (if only I’d had him as captain). Two goals for Drogba, one for Rooney, one for Shawcross, one for Lampard mean my team is in decent form in front of goal. Assists thrown in for N’Zogbia & Drogba, and some neat clean sheets for both my keepers, Richard Dunne, Insúa & Shawcross mean I have been in solid points scoring form.

A poorish second week where Rooney as captain let me down, and Lampard as non-captain did not; notwithstanding, I am pleased with my start. I sit eighth in the Football Media league, well placed indeed. Credit must go to the leader, Matt Cornford and his provocatively named side “Man City = Small Club”, who lead the way with 135 points, from Thomas Cook and his “Flatulence” and this week’s star performer Rob Blanchette and his “Queens Park Badgers”, who scored an incredible 92 points (Defoe, Johnson, Gerrard, Kuyt, Lampard basically) to rocket into third place. But Baroque Social are lurking, and you would be wise to be wary!

This week’s transfer by myself is a risky one, Wayne Rooney out, Robin Van Persie in. The thinking is simple, Arsenal are at home to Portsmouth, and playing some lovely stuff. Van Persie should help himself. In theory at least. It also leaves me with a million in the bank to play with, which could be dangerous.

Prizes

So far 488 players have joined the Football Media fantasy football league where we’re giving away prizes every month.

1st Prize

The winner will receive:

• An authentic signed football shirt of their choice from Icons.
• The latest football boot of their choice from SoccerPro.
• A Soccerlens Evolution T-Shirt.

Monthly Prize

At the start of every month Football Media (in association with Subside Sports) will give away a free shirt (up to £39.99 + delivery in value) to one lucky player in the FM fantasy football league. This player will be picked at random and there are 9 shirts to give away in total (Sep 09 to May 10).

Yes They Can Can…If the Gaffer Reads the Writing on the Wall!!!

Well, having had his head handed to him twice last season, Sir Alex Ferguson still seems bound and determined to ignore the handwriting on the wall. The sheer depth of talent in his his squad, however, will always allow the Gaffer to peek into the abyss, throw out some appropriate barbs meant to psych out the immediate opposition and still find a way to pull a nineteenth trophy.

Nevertheless, slightly weakened, at least psychologically, by the departure of Ronaldo and Tevez and the shrill clang and rattle of coin resounding from the deep deep oil money-filled pockets of Manchester City, the grand old geezer of British football and his squad really do have their work cut out for them this season.

“You need a new leader!” the handwriting says.

And we do. Rio’s magazine is very nice (the bird on the front cover is nicer). I am impressed. He has also become, in partnership with Chelsea’s Ashley Cole–yes, the Cashley Grrrl and her bad left-footed self–a film producer. This is all splendid and wonderful. I’m sure Rio’s thinking ahead to retirement.

Still, the absolute howler Rio committed for England on Wednesday while making a simple back pass may be the sign of a return to old habits and vices, or even a flashback. Neither Rio nor Ryan Giggs owns either the moxy or personality to be the truly great captain United need. Sir Alex needs to step in now and force the responsibility on Wayne Rooney, Patrice Evra , Nemanja Vidic, or… someone new!!! Picking Wazza may sound daft, but I think it would help force him to grow up.

I was kind of disappointed to see a strong character like Lorik Cana sign for Sunderland on the cheap. Cana, a decent post-to-post midfielder and an inspiring gung-ho captain for Olympique Marseille, would have made a wonderful skipper and definitely would have made a more natural successor to Roy Keane than the Gaffer’s pet, Darren Fletcher.

Now don’t get me wrong, Fletcher is definitely what Ferguson calls a ‘trier.’ To be sure, Fergie was referring to Carlos ‘el traidor’ Tevez at the time, but , I say, if the shoe fits… Darren has been learning on the job for six seasons now and his diligence is to be applauded. As a sort of super substitute, I think Fletcher is fine and capable of being even more adaptable than Johnny O’Shea.

For some reason, however, Fletcher’s diligence and hard graft is mistaken for quality. I have never been enamored of the Scotsman, but have seen a steady incremental improvement. There are those who believe he was the missing link in the ECC final against Barcelona. This is absurd! Whether we’re up against Xabi Alonso, Stevie G and Javier Mascherano or the even better midfield of Xavi, Iniesta and Messi, the fact is that we just don’t have the horses in central midfield to take it to the next level.! In a nutshell: Anderson is still being forced to play out of position and Fletcher simply isn’t good enough. This is United’s single biggest problem.

“You need a truly great hard midfielder if you want to win everything,” the handwriting says.

Now that Xabi Alonso’s gone, I’m not really worried about Liverpool. His replacement, Alberto Aquilani, is a fine footballer; but , but beyond his constant ankle problems, it will take him a season for him to get acclimated to the speed of the EPL. Buying Glen Johnson will improve their right side a lot, but, ultimately, Liverpool are completely dependent upon Fernando Torres and Stevie Gerrard remaining fit.

I hear Rafa Benítez is a deeply religious man who prays every morning with his daughters. If Torres manages to stay fit throughout the season, I, too, may become a believer in miracles. I won’t make too much of ‘Pool’s 2-1 mugging by Spurs this weekend, except to make note of the fact that they only lost two Premiership games in all of last season.

As I write, I hear on Spanish language radio that Arsenal are trying to squeeze 45 million quid out of Barcelona before agreeing to fllog Cesc Fabregas next year. Even with Fabregas, even if there were to be a miraculous shopping binge before the window closes, I can’t see the Arse staying in the top four. Having massacred Everton 6-1 at Goodison in their first game, Gooner fans are already talking the talk. Yesterday I got eight e-mails from different Arse men. Promises and predictions! The usual! I say sssssh! Same old Arsenal: No testosterone!

Are Chelsea good? Sure Chelsea are good, but they’re getting really old. If Chelsea stay fit, particularly my darling Michael Essien, they have to stand a good chance. Anyone watching the Community Shield match clearly saw that this cynical group of mercenaries are going to grind out victories any which way they need to. Carvalho, Terry and Ballack are gristled, mean, dirty and past their pomp, but they will well and truly mount up for this their last serious season as a group and go for it. Clearly, this season Chelsea will be very physical, like Big Sam’s version of Bolton Wanderers, only with a touch of class.

Aston Villa and Everton will hang in there on the periphery, but just don’t have good enough squads. Both teams got badly beaten in their first match, and, although there shouldn’t be too much made of it, Joleon Lescott moping for a move to Manchester City for a whole season will poison the Toffees dressing room in much the same way Gareth Barry’s whinging to be a Scouser hurt Villa last season.

This leaves Manchester City. Despite their still being a little aenemic-looking at the back, I have to believe their depth of talent will tell on the opposition after January, especially if Robinho is happy. It is imperative that the old big four need to put them to the sword early in the season before they’ve gelled as a unit , or else they really may sneak into the top three.

This brings me back to United. As I said earlier, United’s only two major defeats of last season were very public, totally humiliating and telegraphed our weaknesses to all and sundry. We have three potentially brilliant attacking midfielders in the wingers Valencia, Nani and Tosic. Old man Giggsy should be able to make his mark as a substitute, although the energy machine, Park ji-Sung. may have already overstayed his welcome and is probably due for a move to a club where scoring isn’t important. by next season.

What I expect to happen in game after game is the Chelsea model from the Community Shield match. Everybody will try to beat United up in central midfield, and, even though the red devils will never be turned into the kind of passive, testosterone-free team Arsene Wenger has fashioned in his own image at Arsenal, I expect the squad will be battered and become tired early enough in the season to have to trot out Darron Gibson and Tom Cleverly regularly in the Spring. In United’s first game, a 1-0 win over Birmingham City, neither Ginger Scholes nor Darren Fletcher kept possession for long. This is worrisome.

“Berbatov is a load of rubbish!” the handwriting on the wall says.

In my heart of hearts, if United can just hold on until January, I think everybody around him will ultimately convince the Gaffer to swallow his pride and go out and spend big money on a midfield general. Ideally, I’d like Ferguson to splash big on Daniele De Rossi or Hernanes; but, more realistically, I’m sure he’d rather gamble on the youth of Javíer Martínez, Blaise Matuidi, Steven Dufour, Anthony Annan, Axel Witsel or Scott Brown. Out of the six, although he may not be as good a technician as the others, Dufour looks to have the best leadership skills.

We may mourn the exit of Ronnie and Carlitos, but I truly believe that Wazza, Macheda, Welbeck and little Mickey Owen can get the job done if Berbatov keeps out of everybody’s way. Dmitar Berbatov, like the League of Nations, America in South Vietnam, the Concorde, Massimo Taibi, Eric Djemba Djemba, Juan Sebastian Veron and Kleberson, exists to illustrate the folly of owning absolute power.

Sir Alex Ferguson, easily the most successful manager in British football history, and a fine motivator of young men, has been calling the shots at Old Trafford since the last old school club chairman, Martin Edwards, stepped down in 2002. To be fair to Ferguson, he has truly been a mostly benevolent dictator since Edwards walked away from the club. Despite his habit of teasing Jose Mourinho, Carlos Queiroz and the press about his ‘imminent retirement,’ most of us true believers think he will never quit, and end up being carried off the field of play on a stretcher, exactly like his mentor, Jock Stein.

Even if Taibi, Djembax2, Kleberson and the fitfully brilliant £28M Seba Veron could be written off as honest mistakes on the Gaffer’s part, the whole circus involving Berbatov has stunned many fans. Slow, lazy, selfish and beguiled by his hubris-driven ego to a point of ridiculousness, the shrugging Bulgarian is truly the Gaffer’s weakness.

The almost perfect diamond formation of the 2007-2008 season may have been the hardest working football team ever. They smothered a brilliant Barcelona team at the Nou Camp in 2008. The full-frontal battering ram effect of Tevez and Rooney up front allowed Cristiano the freedom to score 42 goals. Clearly, we can see now, this team was brilliant, but often rejected pretty football for the sake of practicality. The cliché is: If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

Unfortunately, Ferguson wanted a new kind of aesthetic perfection last season. Dimitar Berbatov, a big man who can dribble, flick and dish, can be a dazzling technician who, at his best, reminds you of Eric Cantona on Paxyl. Perfect for the slow, deliberate system at Tottenham Hotspur, like some big-ticket chatchke at Fortnum & Mason’s, Berbatov was truly the object of the Gaffer’s lust and desire.

Without ever fitting into the system, Berbatov was trotted out week after week. Well, £32M is a lot of money to spend and the Gaffer wanted to get his money’s-worth. Fortunately, United are such a good team that they kept winning anyway. The disenchantment of Cristiano Ronaldo and Carlos Tevez was clear for everybody to see, yet Fergie’s righteous band of committed professionals still managed to hold onto the premiership crown by the skin of its collective teeth and can do it again.

As far as strikers go, I hope Ferguson stands easy until January. I really believe we have ample strikers. Come Christmas, if the Gaffer finally loses his faith in Berbatov, perhaps we can dump him on Athletic Madrid or Valencia in part-exchange for Sergio ‘el Kun’ Aguero or David Silva.

“We need a good goalkeeper NOW!” the handwriting on the wall says.

This is the least of our worries. EVDS will be back soon and our defence is still really solid. It’s very clear that, similar to Tim Howard before him, Ben Foster is turned into a nervous wreck by the pressure of big games. Howard has matured slowly at Everton and I expect Foster will improve somewhere else. Kucszak, although prone to mistakes in the air, looks to be a better choice as he gets far less flustered than Foster in pressure situations.

If Manuel Neuer is available, Ferguson has food for thought. Schalke will surely prefer to sell Neuer–who really does have all the tools in spades–to Manchester United rather than their permanent Bundesliga rivals Bayern Munchën. Is he worth £20M? I wish United would have bought Sergio Asenjo from Real Vellodidad before he went to Athletic Madrid for £3M a few weeks ago, because I think he has surpassed the aging Gianluigi Buffone as the second-best keeper in the world.

At 6’3”’ and around 17 Stone(238 lbs) Neuer is exactly what Ferguson has wanted for two seasons: A true successor to Schmeichel and Van Der Sar. Comparative theorems are a slippery slope, to be sure, but, if Diego Lopez is deemed to be worth £12M by his club, Villareal, then, yes, Neuer is worth £20M. Foster made four fine saves from Birmingham City this Sunday, which is cause for celebration. His footwork, however, was horrendous. Two weak passes fell short and United were extremely lucky that the hapless Brum forward line were too surprised to take advantage.

Clearly, Ferguson is committed to his two weakest starters, Darren Fletcher and Dmitar Berbatov. He is not the kind of man to cut his losses in the way Rafa Benítez did after the disastrous £20M purchase of Robbie Keane. As long as the lads win, he will keep trotting out Berbatov again and again. If the goals aren’t going in by January, however, stuck with a 29-year-old Jonah of steadily diminishing value, I would expect Ferguson to use him as swap bait for Agüero or to be sold back to Spurs for about 50% of the price he was purchased for.

“Manchester United will win again and Fergie will laugh as you swallow your humble pie!” (once again!)” says the handwriting on the wall.

As I said earlier, I can’t see anyone mounting a season-long challenge good enough to challenge United for the Premier League honours. United will not just survive without Cristiano Ronaldo and Carlos Tevez, they will thrive. With Adam Ljajic arriving from Partizan Belgrade in January our attacking midfield options will improve even more. I don’t think we will make it to Madrid this year for the ECC final, but I do expect United will have found a new, inspiring holding central midfielder by this time next year.

At first glance man’s best friend has little relevance to football. I mean let’s face it, if you’re sitting on the psychiatrists couch and he/she is doing that word association thing and comes up with the word dog are you likely to answer football (or vice versa)?

I didn’t .. err.. I mean… I think not! But scratch the surface a little and you’ll find that the canine world has infiltrated deeply into the football psyche whether you’re a fan, a player, a commentator or a manager and there are obvious links with WAGs.

Have I gone completely barking I hear you ask? Well hopefully not, although regular readers of this column may assure you that that happened some time ago. But read on and I’ll guarantee you a ‘treat’.

Dog Language

The world of the commentator is littered with clichés, facts and sometimes inane musings but on closer inspection you’ll find that they can’t leave the family pet out of things.

“Hanging on doggedly” is seamlessly interchanged with “dogged defending”, both feats generally carried out by “the underdog” while “what a howler!” is offered every time a decent chance goes begging.

Then there’s the pacey young substitute who’s “let off the leash” and defensive midfielders who are regularly “snapping at heels” or “like a terrier”; defenders can be “rottweilers” while wingers are far too often “as lean as (or fast as) a whippet”.

Or if you’re Joey Barton (amongst others) you’re regularly in the “doghouse”. Those whose careers have gone south may have “gone to the dogs” and the Champions are always “Top Dogs”. If you’re English you’ll want the national team to approach every match with the “British bulldog spirit” (works every time, as we’ve witnessed!).

Players like Michael Owen are the “fox in the box”, while referees need a “guide dog” according to most fans and managers stand on the sidelines and “bark instructions”, unless they’re incensed by a bad refereeing decision in which case they are “like a dog with a bone”, which inevitably leads to having a “bone to pick” with the ref at the end of the game!

Dogs on the Pitch!

In years gone by it was a regular feature of the football season to see some of our canine friends invade the pitch and display their skills. Unfortunately, ground changes and regulation has seen the decline of such cameos in recent years. These pitch invasions always added excitement to the occasion when they occurred, the referee having to stop the game as players attempted to coax the doggy visitor into their arms.

But how did dogs get on the field in the first place? According to Roger Titford, who has written on the subject:

“One suspects that men sometimes said they were taking the dog out for a walk as an excuse, when in fact they were off to the match. (Ah, the good old days!) This was much easier in the days of walking to a nearby ground and standing on half-empty terraces than it is nowadays. The dog got bored, startled by the noise or something, and escaped through a pitch-side gate or by leaping a low wall and ran for freedom all over the pitch, usually round in circles until rounded up by the referee or, for some reason, the goalie.”

And there was a famous incident during the 1962 World Cup in Chile in a quarter-final tie between England and Brazil. A stray dog avoided several players until Jimmy Greaves sunk to all fours and captured it. According to some reports, Greaves barked. This counterintuitive approach to calming the dog unfortunately (for Greavesy) sprung a leak, as the frightened animal pissed on Greaves’ England jersey. The dog, later named Bi (I assume because he was willing to play both ways!), is apparently, to this day, the envy of all German football fans!

“I smelled bad,” said Greaves, “but at least it meant the Brazilian defenders stayed clear of me.” Brazil’s Garrincha enjoyed the display so much that he adopted the dog after the tournament! (England lost and Garrincha scored 2!) A dark subtext to this anecdote is that both Greaves and Garrincha developed alcoholism in later life. I have it on good authority though that Bi was a teetotaler.

Jimmy Greaves does it doggy style

However, the pitch intrusion of our canine friends is not always as benign as the above. Check out this report and it may have you looking over your shoulder when next playing in the park on a Sunday morning!

Police Dog Feasts on Footballers

Deputy Dawg

Of all the sporting events in which dogs have interceded, few top the exploits of Pickles. The mixed-breed Scottish Border Collie became an overnight hero while out for walk with his owner, a Thames barge worker, one evening in South-East London’s Beulah Hill on March 27, 1966, as he drew the man’s attention to a package wrapped in newspaper.

Pickles’ owner David Corbett picks-up the story:

“I picked it up and tore some paper and saw a woman holding a dish over her head (you gotta think that it was a stroke of luck that he wasn’t down the pub all night as he could easily have mistaken that for the missus and run for his life, leaving the trophy forever lost!) and disks with the words Germany, Uruguay, Brazil. I rushed inside to my wife. She was one of those anti-sport wives. But I said, ‘I’ve found the World Cup! I’ve found the World Cup!’”

Unfortunately, it does not report what her response was but as an ‘anti-sport wife’ the potential is enormous! All suggestions welcomed!

One week earlier, the Jules Rimet trophy had been stolen from its glass display case at an exhibition hall in Westminster. The English FA consulted Scotland Yard and started ransom negotiations with the thieves. The FA also surreptitiously commissioned a replacement trophy in case the £30,000 (big money in those days!) solid-gold statuette could not be recovered in time

But Pickles saved the authorities from greater embarrassment. The theft, remembers Corbett, gained such attention that it “knocked [Prime Minister] Harold Wilson off the front pages.” Now there’s a bit of history! I thought only Posh Spice or Paris Hilton could do that….who would have thought that the tale [tail] of Pickles and WAGs [wags] could have such parallels in a single story?

Pickles was more newsworthy than Ronaldo at the time (he too could roll-over at will). He lived life as a celebrity dog, starring in a film, The Spy with the Cold Nose, earning medals from canine-advocacy groups and receiving a year’s food supply. The medals, attached to Pickles’ red collar, remain on view at the National Football Museum in Preston, England. But eventually enough was enough for Pickles and, like Ronaldo, he had to go to ground, sadly dying in 1973.

‘Pickles’… without him England would never have held the World Cup!

Dogs with Ability

Yes, there is no shortage of talented ball players out there in the canine world as Fernando Torres found out to his embarrassment. ‘Thou shalt not pass’ is the motto of this pooch!….Vidic at Old Trafford last season he is not!

And I’ll include this one on the condition that you promise not to show it to Florentino Perez at Real Madrid. This ‘youngster’ is better than Kaka or Ronaldo and could be bought for a daily walk and a bowl full of bones, leaving quite a bit of change from 80M! Note the body swerves, ball control, stamina, anticipation! He’s excellent with both feet and uses his head to good effect; get’s up and down all day, uses deceptive pull-backs, has a nose for reading the game and can sniff out a chance….and talk about pace…breathtaking!!

Of WAGS and Top Dogs

As already noted the term WAGs has a connotation directly related to our four legged friends but what is worrying in recent reports relating to some of our top players is the question as to whether the tail is wagging the dog a little too often (the WAG being the tail, so to speak.)

Rumour has it that Ribery won’t consider the PL because his wife prefers Spain. And Mascherano’s restlessness is supposedly linked to his girlfriend’s desire to move to a warmer climate where she can speak the language. Arshavin’s wife slagged-off London like it was the third world…and she from Russia for crying out loud! Am I losing the theme you ask?….no!…spoilt bitches all!

But stand-up the man who is certainly top dog in his relationship! Nemanja Vidic! While admitting that his wife has not settled in England he unceremoniously declared that he was going nowhere. Finally, the dog wagging the tail! A real man is Vidic.

Of course on the subject of WAGs I could milk it all day long. Some consider Posh Spice to be a bit of a dog, others think she’s a bitch but she certainly knows how to make Becks come to heel. Didn’t he stray once though?

And if Paris Hilton may be tentatively considered a WAG after her recent encounter with Ronaldo, one look at this lets you know what to expect if you get mixed-up in that relationship!

Dog Lookalikes

And of course no article on dogs and football is complete without the lookalikes. Here are some of the current top players and their canine equivalents, with 1 or 2 names from the past.

Fernando Torres

Cesc Fabregas

Lionel Messi

Cristiano Ronaldo

Bacary Sagna

Joey Barton

Rene Higuita

Liam Brady

Rio Ferdinand

Franck Ribery

Wayne Rooney

Diego Forlan

Kaka

Peter Schmeichel

Carlos Puyol

Karim Benzema

So hopefully I’ve made the case that dogs and footballers are inseparable. The next time you’re wandering down the street and the local mongrel approaches maybe you’ll stop to ask him has he been on any pitches lately, what are his skills like and who’s his favourite player (or WAG). He’ll look you in the eye knowingly, the neighbours on the other hand will assume that, like me, you’ve gone completely barking!

Who’s your favourite dog lookalike?

Four weeks ago, I was playing Football Manager. I was managing Manchester United and was faced with the dilemma of how to replace Tevez and Ronaldo. With 80 million quid in the bank, money wasn’t an issue; however the question of bringing in the “right” player involves more than just money.

Browsing through my shortlist, the expected names appeared: Benzema, Ribery and Ibrahimovic. All of a sudden a crazy thought popped into my head. Why not look at Micheal Owen? Unquestionably talented, excellent goal scoring record, English and above all free! I entertained the thought for a mere split second before quickly laughing it off, after all we all know Michael Owen is finished.

Cue 1 July and the Daily Mail breaks a story that Michael Owen is in discussions with Fergie! Would he gamble where I had dared not? A few days later we would learn that the answer was yes!

Now that Michael Owen is officially a Manchester United player, we find ourselves moving on from the question of ‘Could it happen?’ to ‘Will it work?’

The answer to the question really has two components. First, will he stay fit? Let’s assume that Michael’s injury troubles are past him and move onto the second question. Does Michael fit our system?

The press has focused on the rekindling of the Rooney – Owen partnership that had started so brightly for England. Indeed at Euro 2004 it looked at one stage to be capable of propelling England to glory until an untimely broken foot cut short Wayne’s tournament. I think it’s fair to say that despite a reasonable return, the partnership never really lived up to it’s initial promise. Could that promise finally be fulfilled at Old Trafford?

Personally I have my doubts. My main concern is that Wayne and Michael are quite similar players now. Gone are the days where Michael’s pace saw him consistently on the shoulder of the last defender. His best performances in a Newcastle shirt was when Keegan utilised him just behind the front two strikers. Therein lies the problem, that is Wayne’s preferred position, one which he has been quite vocal about wanting to focus on after a season of playing wide left.

As a result I really don’t think you’ll see Wayne and Michael together all that often this season. Which brings us to Dimitar Berbatov.

It’s no secret that Dimi failed to impress last season. Despite flashes of brilliance and an uncanny ability to retain possession in the face of immense pressure, he constantly seemed to be out of position. What good is holding the ball up and threading a brilliant pass to a winger, when there is nobody in the box to finish off the chance?

It’s that very style of play though which makes me believe that Michael can forge a strong partnership with Dimi. Where as last season there was nobody to finish the chances Dimi’s link up play created, this season we have the quintessential goal poacher in Michael Owen salivating at exactly those kind of chances!

Of course it’s not just Owen that will capitalise from Berbatov’s hold up play. Rooney has shown for England that if he is allowed to get into dangerous positions he is more than capable of finishing chances.

If United go back to a traditional 4-4-2 system as expected then Dimi’s link up play coupled with Michael and Wayne’s predatory instincts will become crucial to United’s chances of retaining the league.

So whilst England supporters will be hoping Owen’s move will allow him to strike up a ‘World Cup winning’ partnership with Rooney, a more likely situation is Owen and Rooney rotating to take advantage of Berbatov’s link up play with the likes of Nani and Valencia.

Micheal Owen to Manchester United, as unlikely as it may have seemed two weeks ago by the end of the season we might just be asking the question, why didn’t it happen sooner? Providing of course he can stay fit!

Welcome to Old Trafford Michael.

The summer transfer market just went off with a couple of high powered Exocet missiles from central Spain, leaving some of us thinking that nothing will ever be the same again. A seemingly obscene (vulgar even!) amount of money may be about to change hands with many of Europe’s top clubs in the market for a striker (amongst others).

Nothing excites the fan more than a proven goal-scorer donning the shirt and declaring his intent to a nose full of microphones.

Let me clarify at the outset that I am talking about strikers here not creative attacking players, regardless of how prolific they might be in terms of goals. Think in terms of the old fashioned centre-forward as opposed to the inside-right or inside-left or the No.10, a term some like to use to make the distinction. Stateside they struggle a little with this concept so I’ll stay well away from talking about ‘offensive’ players as only some of those about to be mentioned are actually that!

Carlos Tevez was the subject of much divided opinion amongst Manchester United fans recently. “Sign him up!” rang out from several tiers at Old Trafford on more than one occasion towards the end of the season and Carlos milked it to the fullest! Others, however, didn’t think him worth the money. “All perspiration and no inspiration” the other camp declared, and “he just doesn’t score enough for a striker!” or “No better than Kuyt” was the worst insult I saw levelled in this debate. Ouch!

And then there were the inevitable comparisons with Berbatov. “The wrong player was let go!” some United fans cried, whilst others insist that Berba “has far more class and talent than Carlos”. Work rate and enthusiasm score heavily in Tevez’s favour whilst a languid style and sulky demeanor weigh against Berbatov.

Down at The Emirates most Arsenal fans have seemingly lost patience with Adebayor, as it appears has Arsene. “Lazy and a bad attitude” sums up the case for the prosecution as does “No loyalty and disruptive in the dressing room.” or “With Van Persie and Arshavin in the ranks who needs him anyway…..?”

I’ve always wondered about that “disruptive in the dressing room” thing! Are we talking about the puerile pulling of teammate’s hair and flicking elastic bands at the unsuspecting or is it the more sinister practice of declaring that one has the biggest willy and constantly calling for a tape measure if challenged? Please share your thoughts if you have an insight!

Meanwhile, over at Anfield Liverpool fans will tell you that “Torres is the best pound for pound striker in the world at present” (someday they’ll go metric in the UK) and many neutrals/rivals (including yours truly) would agree with that assessment. The issue there is the need for a support/ back-up striker.

The transfer market rumour machine is out of the blocks and we hear that Benzema, Eto’o, Ibrahimovic, David Villa and Aguero could all be bought at the right price (monopoly money in all cases!). Santa Cruz has already signed for City and Tevez is likely to follow suit very soon. Real Madrid have made Huntelaar and Van Nistelrooy ‘available’ while the intentions of Ancelotti regarding Anelka and Drogba are not yet clear. Pato has aroused Chelsea’a interest and Forlan could yet come under the spotlight.

One hack even suggested, on what must have been a very slow day at the office, that Torres could be off to United! About as likely as Cashley re-signing for Arsenal or Berbatov and Adebayor turning into a couple of grinning sprinters you would have thought! And if some of you think that Baghdad looks ugly right now, put that deal through and you’ll see an instant shift of focus from President Obama regarding the world’s trouble spots!

So how do we actually rate players or, in this case, strikers? There is a certain amount of subjectivity involved but is some of it misguided? Unlike players in any other position there is a clear measurement for strikers………….…the cold currency of goals.

Goals may not be the be all and end all but they’re a damn big piece of the be all and end all if you’re a striker!

Did some fans give too much weighting to Tevez for his ‘likeability’ and work-rate? I’m with the fans who say “show me the money,” or “where’s the beef”……………. the ‘money’ and ‘beef’ in question being found, in this instance, in the ‘goals-scored’ column. Somewhere out there is a rate of goal-scoring that is such as to provoke debate and disagreement amongst fans when judging strikers and somewhere beyond that is a point where debate is benign. But where is that watershed between war and peace?

Make no mistake, 30 goals a season is a cure-all for any player/fan relationship problem you care to mention. Not wishing to demean any section of society but a one-legged cross-dressing hunchback with the moral fibre of a serial killer and a Bartonesque set of party tricks will be the first name on the team sheet every week if he’s netting at the rate of 30 goals a season, even if the begrudgers out there would constantly sneer that he’s totally one-footed (and before you write in, I accept completely that, in terms of political correctness, I haven’t a leg to stand-on on that one).

And yes, that was a rather long-winded and exaggerated way of saying that maybe Berbatov and Adebayor are being harshly judged! It depends on their goal-scoring records and where you draw the imaginary line.

We’re talking about subtle differences here, the subtle differences between the world’s best strikers…..so it’s high time I quit rambling and ‘showed you the money’, so to speak.

I’ve taken 30 current generation strikers and analysed their goals per game stats for your consumption.

But before I reveal my hand I need to be clear that I am talking about strikers. The fact that Ronaldo, Messi and Kaka would rank ‘right up there’ in this analysis is irrelevant. They’re not strikers and their goal contribution, along with everything else that they bring to the party, underlines the reason why, between them, they have won the last three ‘World Player of the Year Awards’ (OK, I spotted the mistake there but in a few months it WILL be correct and I’ll be seen as a visonary!) Ronaldo and Kaka (or in REALity you know who) have started this transfer feeding frenzy in the first place. I’ve left out Henry, Arshavin and Robinho for the same reason.

And yes, it may not be a complete list, although I’ve tried bloody hard to make it one, so if I’ve left out one of your favourites live with it. It’s representative enough to make the point (although right now I’m seriously questioning whether there actually is one!)

Note: Includes full career club and international appearances and goals.

So take a minute or two to absorb that and spot where some of your favourites rank. These are the hard facts, the one true measurement we have that can’t be disputed. So what exactly does it clarify? That may come down to individual interpretation but here are some of my observations:

• Close the book on the Berbatov v Tevez debate. 7 extra goals in a 50 game season (probably equating to several vital points and/or a cup victory or 2) says it’s Berba every time. Tevez just betters 1 goal in 3 games and ranks a lowly 26th in the pecking order.
• And what about Adebayor? He’ll bag you 21 goals while Van Persie only grabs 16, worse than 1 in 3. That surprised me I have to say! And although I excluded Arshavin I can tell you that his ratio is 1 in 4, so if you’re an Arsenal fan don’t bank on many repeats of the Anfield ‘one man show’ in the future.
• If Tevez does join Man City he’ll team-up with the truly non-prolific Santa Cruz. Here’s a striker who’ll average 15 goals a season for you! And although Robinho isn’t on the list I’ve run his numbers and can tell you that at 1 goal every 2.93 games he’d come-in just behind Tevez at 28th. So Mark Hughes has bought himself 3 front men who have never worried a 20 goal a season average.
• Many people’s No.1 pick, Torres, comes in at a surprisingly low 22nd, 5 goals a season shy of his compatriot Villa and 3 short of Berbatov! So what does this tell us?
• Huntelaar at No.1! Now Ruud was not a surprise at No.2 but I was amazed at Huntelaar. A 33 goal average puts him streets ahead of some of the other top strikers. Yes, he has played most of his career in Holland but if he was wearing clogs that makes his record even more impressive, and people have said that he didn’t do it at Madrid but he’s hardly had the chance to take his coat off yet. 8 goals in 20 appearances for Real, in a very disruptive season, was not exactly shabby! Suffice to say that if I get the call from Sir Alex in the next couple of weeks and the question posed is: “Klaas-Jan Huntelaar?” my response will be a hearty “Yes, please!” … which would not have been the case last week.
• And what is Robbie Keane doing on the list you ask? Well I thought I’d include him to add a bit of spice. And no! … that’s not an implied reference to Paella, the national dish of Spain. And in mentioning the national dish of Spain if you think I’m going anywhere near any references to restaurants and Waiters you’ll be disappointed! Interesting though that Robbie can drop an average of 19 goals in a 50 game season and considering he only left 7 on the table by Christmas last year that says he still had 12 in his locker. Now if he’d stayed and produced even 4 or 5 of those 12 in that wobbly January/February period could the title now be…………………? No! Let’s not go there!

But of course you’re right!…. and I should know better! Haven’t I written about it before Lies, Damn Lies and Statistics. The above analysis is flawed!

Let’s get back to clichés! Some like to throw scorn on a good cliché but a cliché becomes what it is largely because it’s a truism. I know I’m Irish but that’s not why I’m defending the cliché ridden David O’Leary, and if I might borrow from the great man: “as I say, at the end of the day a striker is only as good as his last season.“

Never a truer word spoken! But let’s just broaden that a little and look at the stats over the last three seasons. If you’re going to splash the cash on a striker you’ll be looking in this direction rather than the above table, so take another 5 to absorb this.

Note: Only includes club appearances/goals, as trying to get an annual breakdown for international games/goals….well…almost cost me a breakdown.

So that’s the list for buying purposes and what’s changed?

• Huntelaar holds his place at No.1! Definitely worth a punt in my view!
• And Ruud also holds onto No.2! if he can stay fit he’s gotta be worth a chance for the likes of Spurs…and was Sir Alex rash in selling him when he did?
• David Villa also holds his 4th place. No wonder everyone is interested and Eto’o also surprised me. Worth the money if Barca want to sell?
• The big negative movers from the ‘total career’ table are Fabiano, Berbatov, Crespo, Owen and Shevchenko. No surprises there except for Berbatov. Berbatov’s first season at United hurt his stats but he’s still comfortably ahead of Tevez.
• The big upward movers are Forlan, Ibra, Totti, Torres, Benzema and Van Persie.
• But Torres is still only in 9th! Considering he’s my first choice this doesn’t quite gel!
• And even though Van Persie jumps 10 places he just scrapes over the 20 goals a season mark and still trails Adebayor.
• At 28th and 29th Santa Cruz and Tevez don’t impress any more than they did on the first list.
• And what of Rooney? Being played out of position or flattering to deceive?

I could go on but by now you’re already asleep or have jumped to the response column and are about to fillet me with your razor sharp tongues.

Food for thought though?

How do you rate your strikers?