Fashion matters more to football than the average supporter might care to acknowledge. Most spectators aren’t overly concerned about their personal aesthetic at 3pm on a Saturday. In fact, for that matter, many neglect to engage in even the most rudimentary of personal grooming practices full stop.

Nonetheless, players have known for some time that appearance counts. This is especially true of David Beckham, who recently announced plans to launch his own underwear brand in 2012.

Most terrace-hardened supporters will probably decline to purchase a pair of Beckham brand pants that make your bits look like vacuum packed offal. In the absence of demand from club shops, however, there is no doubt that the garments will find a market elsewhere.

Exploiting his good looks, England’s former number seven has carefully cultivated his public image. From bad, to really bad, to stylish, to crimes-against-god’s-creation awful, Beckham’s haircuts have always been designed to catch the front page (of the Sun). Meanwhile, fashion shoots and sarong-wearing, combined with wife Victoria Beckham’s endeavours in the fashion industry, have helped establish him as a style icon.

Indeed, the selling power behind Brand Beckham was a significant factor in his move to Real Madrid in 2003. Already boasting a remarkably high-profile squad of ‘Galacticos’, the Spanish club took a unique opportunity to acquire a product which increased their global profitability further still.

The Englishman’s subsequent move to LA Galaxy, and thus to the geographical nexus of style, was a natural career progression for a footballer who always kept one eye on the pitch and the other on his image.

Football’s fashion connoisseurs aren’t always looking for a catalyst to inflate their celebrity standing, however.

Take Phil Brown and his Hull City side of 2008, for example. Along with a number of squad members, the current Preston North End boss elected to grow a mustache as part of an Everyman campaign to raise awareness about testicular cancer. Despite suffering the ignominy of looking like a perma-tanned Ian Rush, Brown’s style choice successfully brought a worthwhile campaign to an audience of millions.

Sadly, though, touchline accessorising can go wrong. Steve McLaren’s infamous decision to employ an umbrella during England’s disastrous 3-2 defeat against Croatia saw him immortalised as the ‘Wally with the Brolly’. Manager of Nottingham Forest until very recently, the maligned coach is not alone in committing this kind of error.

Why Arsene Wenger chooses to adopt a floor length puffa-jacket at winter fixtures, for example, is an absolute mystery. It isn’t that cold, and surely no professional can respect their boss when he turns up for work wearing a sleeping bag, can they? Every time Arsenal score, Wenger looks like a boy Scout at camp, deviously proud of the flatulence he has just inflicted upon his tent-mates.

Still, in the case of Mr. Wenger, we can simply add his unusual dress sense to the growing list of evidence that he’s completely lost it. David Moyes, on the other hand, has a career to resuscitate with Everton. Not too long ago, Moyes was badgering what was then a ‘Big Four’ for a coveted Champions League spot.

The Scot was even tipped as a potential successor to Sir Alex Ferguson at Manchester United. That ambition will remain unfulfilled, however, if Moyes cannot address the slide which has seen Everton surpassed by both Tottenham and Manchester City.

If he is to revitalise his career, Moyes will need to rethink his choice of attire. Glory no longer falls on the tracksuit wearing coach and hasn’t done for some time. A manager with ambitions on the top four needs to be suited in appropriately auspicious attire.

Even when confronted with a grand occasion, Moyes failed to hit the right note. For the 2009 FA Cup Final versus Chelsea, the Toffees opted to arrive in matching blue suits tailored for the occasion. Blue suits belong on Granddads at weddings and nowhere else. They certainly don’t befit a man embarking on the biggest moment of his professional career. Needless to say, Everton lost that final to a Chelsea team modelling an appropriately imposing getup.

Guilty of the worst fashion faux pas of all, however, are Everton’s Merseyside rivals, Liverpool. Their 1996 FA Cup Final contingent turned up at Wembley in identical white suits like some kind of over-sized Westlife fraternity. Like Everton, they too lost in the final, falling to an Eric Cantona strike for Manchester United.

Former Reds’ striker Robbie Fowler had some remarks to give about the ground-breaking idea in a newspaper interview in 2008, he said:

“It was David James’ fault we wore white suits, it was his idea. Nobody questioned him and at the time, he was an Armani model”.

From Soccerlens.com - Football News

With just 22 short months left on the meter, the Football Association (FA) are already pressing ahead with the courting of possible successors to current England manager Fabio Capello – who has signalled his intentions to retire from the game once his contract expires in July of 2012.

Though much of the fault can be rightly distributed elsewhere, the fact remains that the veteran Italian has overseen some of the limpest drudgery in the recent history of the national team, with their criminally woeful displays in South Africa this summer set to loom large in any retrospective of his tenure.

The FA have expressed their desire to ‘go English’ once Capello vacates his post following the culmination of the European Championships in Poland and the Ukraine in two years time and, given that Sir Trevor Brooking (who currently sits on the Club England board responsible for recruiting new England managers) has backed this initiative by touting former coach Steve McClaren for a return to the helm, it would seem that – in the continuing  interest of misguided patriotism – the FA are hell-bent on narrowing their prospective options to a level of almost critical paucity.

Let’s have a look at the realistic runners and riders shall we? In no particular order…

The enduring image England fans have of Steve McClaren

Steve McClaren, aged 49: The fact that McClaren is both the most successful and experienced of the potential candidates says it all. On a domestic level, he sat alongside Sir Alex Ferguson during Manchester United’s treble win in 1999, won Middlesbrough’s first ever silverware (the League Cup in 2003/4) as well as guiding them to their maiden European final, was crowned Dutch Manager of the Year after taking the Eredivisie title with unfancied Twente last season and – after a tentative start – has now begun to assert his authority over German side Wolfsburg.

Working as part of Sven-Goran Eriksson‘s backroom staff, McClaren also helped coach England to three tournament quarter-finals – although his succession of the Swede in 2006 was greeted with widespread indifference and ended after just 18 ill-fated games – thus rendering him the shortest-serving England manager ever.

McClaren’s second biggest weakness was his willingness to pander to his ‘stars’ (as a result of never having such direct influence over the vast multitude of  swollen egos that populated the team at the time), which allowed a sweeping smog of detrimental complacency to set in right across the England camp.

His biggest weakness was, and is, the public image that still permeates the national psyche to this very day. That umbrella and those feigned accents will ensure that he’ll always be a hapless buffoon in the nation’s collective eyes and, if he were to be reappointed, he would be greeted with exactly the same apathy as he was the first time around.

McClaren would be wise to stay where he is and continue to plow his exemplary European furrow away from the glare of the English tabloid’s incessant intrusion.

Harry Redknapp, aged 63, Tottenham: I’ve always considered Redknapp to be ‘the unthinking man’s choice’, as the FA wouldn’t touch him with a bargepole. He’s always been a ticking PR timebomb and his personable assets, along with his off-white business methods, make him much better suited to the particular nuances of club football management – although Frank Lampard would probably argue otherwise, and nepotism seems to go a long way in football.

Will Stuart Pearce be the man to succeed Capello?

Stuart Pearce, aged 48, England U21s: Pearce has today highlighted the quandary that he faces in taking on the mantle of the full side, claiming that he’d be ‘mad’ to both reject and accept the role.

He has a wealth of experience when it comes to the current England setup through his excellent work with the U21s (many of whom may have been blooded by Capello by 2012) and by serving as an assistant in South Africa.

However, the man himself has admitted that he doesn’t possess the necessary know-how to flourish quite yet, claiming that ‘at this moment in time’, he doesn’t feel up to becoming the next England manager – although who’s to say that the inspirational former left-back will still retain that stance two years down the line?

For my money, I think the job will be Psycho’s to turn down.

Martin O’Neill, aged 58, unattached: Whereas I know he isn’t strictly English, O’Neill has become ‘repatriated’ by association – making him not quite foreign enough to be considered as just another ‘foreign candidate’ to be chastised by the baying media.  I’d only consider him to be an outsider bet, given that I’m sure Brooking and co. are fully aware of his birthplace, but there are many that think that the former Aston Villa man should still be the man for the job.

Bullish and arrogant? Blackburn manager Sam Allardyce

Sam Allardyce, aged 55, Blackburn: Allardyce is overtly bullish, arrogant and unproven at the highest levels (despite what he may tell you himself!) which isn’t a great start, although his progressive work at Bolton Wanderers cannot be ignored.

During his reign eight-year, the Trotters enjoyed four consecutive top eight Premier League finishes, qualified for Europe twice, welcomed the likes of European legends Youri Djorkaeff and Fernando Hierro to the club and also managed a League Cup final appearance (against McClaren’s Middlesbrough) in 2003/4.

Though their have been some great defenses made in his favour, Allardyce’s cynical brand of anti-football wouldn’t wash at international level and his propensity to blatantly attempt to talk himself into ‘better’ jobs throughout his entire career leave many cold – and, as a result, I can’t see the usually straight-laced and PR conscious FA plumping (pun very much intended) for such a brash, outspoken entity.

Roy Hodgson, aged 63, Liverpool: To say that Hodgson missed his chance to manage England is a little misleading given that the chance never actually arose but, when Capello’s future was hanging in the balance after the World Cup, many were tipping the then-Fulham boss (off the back of their run to the Europa League final) to step into the breach – and I believe that that is the closest he will ever come, especially after apparently receiving the backing of the potential new owners to oversee the exciting new dawn at Liverpool.

Hodgson is a safe, malleable bet (and probably the FA’s first choice at the moment), but if he somehow manages to turn the ailing Anfield vessel around after a fresh influx of optimism and, more importantly, cash then he’ll surely still be in charge come 2012.

Lower League Candidates? I can’t think of a single other major footballing nation that has selected a manager from the second or third tier – and not without good reason.

Of course, there are a few ‘lower league’ candidates (Simon Grayson of Leeds springs instantly to mind) we could pour through, but the quick and simple retort is that they are all simply not good enough – at least not yet anyway – hence their position.

Given ample time and opportunity to manage in the upper echelons of the domestic game, many may prove their mettle to be perfectly sufficient to take on the national team – but that’s a different debate for another time.

Who would you back – English or otherwise – to become the next manager of England in 2012?

From Soccerlens.com - Football News

Bundesliga outfit VfL Wolfsburg have appointed former England manager Steve McClaren as their new manager on a two-year deal.

McClaren found himself linked with managerial posts right across Europe (including Celtic, West Ham and Hamburg) after leading FC Twente to their first Eredivisie title in 84 years last season, but the former Middlesbrough boss has now decided to take up the reigns at Die Wölfe – replacing current caretaker coach Lorenz-Günther Köstner.

The 49-year-old tactician has seen his stock rise dramatically over the course of this season, after seeing it hit an all time low following England’s failure to qualify for the 2008 European Championships.

Wolfsburg were crowned German league champions in 2009, but have struggled to match that success this term,  only managing an eighth place finish, and it is McClaren who has been charged with restoring the Volkswagen Group-owned club to it’s former glory.

From Soccerlens.com - Football News

Join celebrated football pundit, author, radio show host and DJ Andy Brassell every Monday on the Soccerlens Show.

The Episode 27 of the show covers the Eredivisie champions FC Twente and their coach, Steve McClaren – who went from a zero to hero after getting Twente a Champions League spot in his first season and helped them become the national champions for the first time since 1926.

Over in Germany, Bayern Munich are becoming the champions with their domestic cup final and the Champions League final coming up. It is their chance of scoring a treble. Speaking of Champions League, Andy moves on to England and France where the race for a Champions League is on like anything.

In England, Tottenham and Manchester City are fighting for the Champions League qualifiers and only a point separates them. Whereas in France, Lyon are two points behind Lille, who are sitting on the Champions League qualifiers spot at the moment.

You can watch the show below or by following this link:

Make sure you send in your feedback and questions through tv@soccerlens.com and Andy will feature the best of them in next week’s show.

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From Soccerlens.com - Football News

21st November 2007 was the night that English football experienced one of its biggest ever wakeup call as a miserable dreary wet night at Wembley saw the English National Team humbled by Slaven Blic and his Croatian side as they ripped away a nation’s hope of qualifying for The European Championships the following summer.

Many fingers were pointed as to who and what was the cause for such a shambolic qualification campaign that saw damaging defeats to the likes of Russia and Croatia as well as uninspiring performances by the English players who could only salvage a 0-0 draw in Israel’s second city of Tel Aviv.

As the rain pelted down under the flood lights of the iconic Wembley stadium as did the criticism on the head coach Steve McClaren who could only look on in horror as a proud football nation was about to succumb to one of its bleakest ever periods.

McClaren took up the national job after working as an apprentice to the then England manager Sven Goran Eriksson. The former number two to the great Sir Alex Ferguson relinquished his role as manager of Middlesbrough to take the national job after amazingly steering them to their first ever European final where they were ultimately beaten in Eindhoven by Spanish outfit Sevilla in the UEFA Cup final. A monumental achievement nevertheless by McClaren to guide the Teesider’s to one of footballs most spectacle dates.

Sven Goran Eriksson stepped down as England coach after the 2006 World Cup and passed on the baton to his prodigy McClaren who then infamously dropped David Beckham from his first England squad. This was seen as a sign of intent by the new gaffer that changes were fore coming for a brighter future for the national side by revolutionising the new English talent. McClaren was never taken to by the English press following a damaging defeat in Croatia that ultimately saw the national team sink towards a downward spiral that fatefully  cost them their dreams of a summer festival in Austria and Switzerland in 2008.

McClaren was released from his duties the day after the 3-2 defeat at Wembley by Croatia and wasn’t seen in a football dugout until the summer of 2008 as modest Eredivisie side FC Twente appointed him their new head coach on the 20^th June.

It was amazing how well McClaren had adapted to his new life in Holland as he seemed to be reborn as a manager and his new found optimism certainly rubbed  off on his players as they had a terrific first campaign under his leadership where they finished runners up in the league behind eventual champions AZ Alkmaar . As for the campaign that followed, it is something made of fairytales for McClaren who was made out as public enemy number one on the English isles.

FC Twente had never won the domestic league championship, except in 1926 when they played under the name of “Sportclub Enschede.” McClaren has now delivered that dream. The man who has been involved in so much success as a number two with Manchester United is now experiencing the joys and emotions that his mentor Sir Alex Ferguson endures as the main man of a football club. Twente made history this past Sunday as they beat NAC Breda 2-0 to capture their first ever league title by finishing a point ahead of Dutch giants Ajax .

McClaren was embraced by his peers on the sidelines as the referee brought the game to a close. The 48 year old Yorkshire man becoming the first English manager to win a major European league championship since the late great Sir Bobby Robson, who managed the feat with FC Porto of Portugal in 1996. The Reds (Twente) have only lost two games from their 34 played in the league this season and won all but one of their home games.

It is a truly astonishing achievement not only for the club but for McClaren himself who has managed to rebuild his reputation from the scrap heap and is now being touted as a successor for some of Europe’s finest clubs. The former England boss knows himself knows just how far he has come since that fateful night in London three years ago.

“It’s a reward for everything my family and I have been through.” Said McClaren.

“ I always said that you need failures in life to get stronger. And if I brought anything here, it was a strength of mentality.”

It is a fine testament to a man who clearly has plenty of managerial ability and is now finally able to show it after a disastrous reign as national team boss. McClaren may admit himself that the England role was a job too big for him but he is now showing his credentials on the continent by making history with his club and has certainly regained the respect from those on English shores.

From Soccerlens.com - Football News

Despite being an Aston Villa supporter, I owe as many of my formative footballing years to AFC Bournemouth. Then very much a third tier club, I watched on from the New Stand as Tony Pulis and Mel Machin worked wonders, getting the very best out of a side typically blended from sharp youngsters, Cherries stalwarts and big name loanees.

By the time Sean O’Driscoll made the move from the pitch to the dugout, I was able to focus more on Villa and, save for a run of exciting games in 2003 culminating in a wonderful afternoon at the Millennium Stadium, have attended shamefully few matches since. O’Driscoll moved on to bigger things after impressing in the job, and was followed out of the club by some excellent players, not least Wade Elliott of Premier League Burnley.

Since O’Driscoll’s departure Bournemouth have been through the mill and were in desperate need not only of a takeover – finally provided by Eddie Mitchell – but of heroes. Brett Pitman has added the firepower to a strikeforce often featuring Steve Fletcher, a genuine Cherries legend who was a regular fixture when I began watching football at Dean Court and returned to the club to aid their remarkable escape from relegation to non-league last season despite a 17-point deduction.

The mastermind, of course, was Eddie Howe. Another Kings Park icon, Howe took over after Kevin Bond and then Jimmy Quinn had failed to make significant inroads into the deduction. Their proximity to oblivion this time last year, added to the 14-month transfer window which prevented Howe bolstering his squad and the fact that he was only able to select a full substitutes bench on seven occasions this season, meant he understandably played down expectations this year.

Bournemouth’s 2-0 victory at Burton Albion last Saturday confirmed their promotion to League One, an incredible achievement that has made Howe the hottest prospect in management. He operated under such restrictions that he agreed for his assistant, Jason Tindall, to come out of retirement, and had to bring through players of such youth that at least one of them needs his headmaster’s permission to play league football.

This week, the TFT Podcast features plenty of praise for Howe, as well as the usual looks at the Premier League, Champions League, Major League Soccer and the Football League’s various promotion and relegation battles.

And with Russian football bod and The Cynical Challenge blogger James Appell in the studio, we glance back over the first seven games of the 2010 Russian Premier League season, as well as a quick word about the Eredivisie and the redemption of Smilin’ Steve McClaren. Has he learned what Sir Bobby Robson and Roy Hodgson learned during their European adventures?

Please leave your comments below, follow us on Twitter, be our fan on Facebook and send your questions and comments to twofootedtackle[at]googlemail[dot]com – we also want audio contributions to the show, so feel free to get in touch about that.

Have a great week.

You can listen to this week’s episode below:
Download link (mp3, 47mb, 69 mins)

From Soccerlens.com - Football News

The party is still going on in Barcelona, and there might still yet be a few angry hangovers in Manchester right now, but the aftermath of the Champions League final means transfer gossip aplenty for the loser.

As you would expect, a few butts will be met by boots this summer at Manchester United, and a few new faces will take their place in an attempt to help erase the disappointment of the Rome defeat.

With that in mind, United are in the transfer news and rumors pages today, but they’re not the only club trying to position themselves to displace Barcelona next season.

England

Manchester United to Pursue Benzema?

After Wednesday’s Champions League final defeat to Barcelona, there’s a lot of speculation that it could be a busy summer for Manchester United. While the likes of Carlos Tevez, Nani, Park Ji-Sung, and even Dimitar Berbatov all being linked with the exit door, one named that’s appearing on United’s potential wishlist is Lyon star Karim Benzema. The 21-year-old striker could be available for 30m, and he’s seen as better value than picking up the 25m option on Tevez would be. (The Mirror)

Analysis: Benzema had the quite the dry spell where he scored only twice in 10 Ligue 1 matches, which played a role in Lyon’s title challenge going down the drain, and when consistent goal production from the front line was an issue for United this season, that’s a bit worrying. But there’s no doubt that he’s one of the top young strikers in the game, and he’s proved that with three goals in his last two games.

Liverpool and Manchester City Agree Tevez Fee

Manchester United may be balking at it, but Liverpool and Manchester City have both agreed to pay the 25m required to land Tevez. Along with those two clubs, another Premier League club, Real Madrid, and another foreign club are all prepared to pay up as well. (The Times)

Analysis: Before the Champions League final, David Gill seemed confident about Manchester United’s chances to land Tevez permanently, but it doesn’t look like the asking price is going to change, especially when several clubs are all too ready to pay it.

Chelsea Tie Up Zhirkov Deal?

According to Russian reports, Chelsea have sealed an 18.6m deal for CSKA Moscow star Yuri Zhirkov. (Daily Mail)

Analysis: The reports may be a little premature according to what the club are officially saying, but Chelsea have been after Zhirkov for quite a while, and if he does go anywhere this summer, it’ll be there.

Fulham After Kaka’s Little Bro

Fulham could be seeking a loan move for AC Milan defender Digao, the younger brother of Kaka. (The Mirror)

Analysis: Digao is quite the physically imposing presence at 6’4”, so he could very well replace Brede Hangeland if he moves to Arsenal or elsewhere in the summer.

Germany

Bayern Munich to Watch Stoke Keeper

Bayern Munich are set to take a look at Stoke’s Danish goalkeeper Thomas Sorensen in next weekend’s World Cup qualifier against Sweden. (Setanta Sports)

Analysis: Bayern Munich could be in the market for a new keeper this summer, and though Sorensen isn’t exactly the most eye-catching choice, he has a wealth of experience in one of Europe’s elite leagues and internationally. It’d be a big blow for Stoke to lose him, but I don’t think they’d hold him back if the opportunity was there for him to be Bayern’s #1.

McClaren to Take Over at Hamburg?

Former England coach Steve McClaren is being linked with a move to Hamburg SV. McClaren led FC Twente to a runner-up finish in the Eredivisie in his first season at the helm, and he’s on the shortlist to replace former Tottenham boss Martin Jol, who stepped down to take over at Ajax – a job McClaren was also linked with. (Daily Mail)

Analysis: If Twente can hold on to their top assets this summer, next season could be special, but McClaren could see this move as a chance to jump to a better league. Jol set a nice foundation at HSV, and as wide open as the Bundesliga was last season,

Turkey

Galatasaray in Bid for Sevilla’s Kanoute

Galatasaray are after Sevilla star Fredi Kanoute. The former West Ham and Tottenham striker only signed a new deal with Sevilla last year, but Galatasaray have already opened discussions over a move. (Tribal Football)

Analysis: Kanoute has been stellar for Sevilla since moving there in 2005, and considering that he’s been their most consistent scorer this season and that the goals don’t look like drying up anytime soon, it surprises me that they’re considering letting him go. But, he’s 31, and they could be looking to give some of their younger forwards a chance next season, so if the fee’s right, then it could happen.

Daily Links

Soccerlens Podcast: Post-Rome Edition

On the latest episode of the Soccerlens podcast, host Stephen Darwin and guest Simon Wilkes talk about the Champions League final, the summer plans for the two finalists, and much more.

FA Cup Final Preview

Chelsea face off against Everton at Wembley in tomorrow’s FA Cup final, and EPLTalk has a preview of the showdown.

Is the FA Cup Relevant to the Modern Game?

Is the FA Cup relevant to Chelsea and their fans?

From Soccerlens.com - Football News

About ten years ago Nick Hancock co-wrote a book called What Didn’t Happen Next, which was an amusing look at the butterfly effect in football and those little changes which might have rewritten the annals of football.

What if Southgate had scored his penalty at Euro 1996? What if Gordon Banks hadn’t had food poisoning in 1970? What if George Best had been born ugly? As a sport full of folklore, imagination and eternal hope, it’s always tempting to ponder the road not travelled — and it is for that reason that every now and then this column will cover one of those ‘what if?’; moments, and indulge in a little escapism or breathe a hearty sigh of relief, depending on your perspective…

Today, the time machine takes us back to the start of 2007, and the DIC group have just completed a successful and straightforward takeover of Liverpool Football Club…

January 2007 — Liverpool, bolstered by Sheikh Maktoum’s bottomless well of fivers, have cash to spend and Rafa Benitez wastes no time in the transfer window. Fernando Torres arrives immediately for an inflated sum of £30m.

There’s also enough money for Gareth Barry, much to the ire of Martin O’Neill. Benitez smiles at a press conference, saying how wonderful it is to have the unquestioning support of his board on transfer matters.

March 2007 — Tom Hicks and George Gillett, thwarted in their efforts to acquire the Reds, turn their attention to Manchester City. Eager to sell, the board obliges. Their first act is to back Stuart Pearce unequivocally. Liverpool meanwhile are on a great run of form and find themselves in the thick of the title race. Torres is an instant hit, scoring freely.

May 2007 – Liverpool’s domestic form tails off and they come second to Manchester United, but after a confident run in Europe they reach the Champions League Final, where they meet AC Milan for a second time in three years. On the day, despite Milan scoring twice, a Torres double overhauls the Rossoneri.

Stuart Pearce, unaided by any transfers, leads Manchester City to midtable. At half-time in the final game of the season the American owners conduct an interview with Jurgen Klinsmann, who signs for a two year deal.

August 2007 — The season starts with reinforcements all around. Liverpool’s big signing is David Villa, who declares that he is very happy to join the European Champions. At the press conference he professes to be relieved that there are now enough Spanish players at the club that it makes more sense for Gerrard and Carragher to learn Spanish than for him to pick up the local tongue.

Jurgen Klinsmann buys Lukas Podolski. “We have a bit of cash, but it’s not as if Manchester City can throw £100m around and buy the best player in the world,” he says.

November 2007 — Thaksin Shinawatra flies back to Thailand to face the charges against him. With no football club to run, and nobody interested in his investment, there seems little reason for him to stay. He hires still unemployed Sven Goran Eriksson to come with him and defend him during his trial.

Liverpool sit top of the league, with Torres and Villa scoring freely. Peter Crouch angles for a transfer. “I’d have played a lot more games,” he says, “If there weren’t yet another striker here who deserves to play more than I do”.

One beneficiary of Liverpool’s form is Steve McClaren, who has enough confidence in the Gerrard — Barry partnership that he leaves Lampard out of his squads throughout the year. “It’s great,” he opines, “My only regret is that Gareth doesn’t have a great nickname like Stevie G, but I’m toying with the G-Bomb, and I think that Becks really likes it.”

Newspapers are quick to attribute McClaren’s success to his relaxed and friendly relationship with his players.

January 2008 — The money is there for Liverpool, but Benitez feels that everything is right with his squad. “Why tinker with a winning formula?” he questions, “I’m not one for chopping and changing when everything is going well.”

At Manchester City the money dries up, much to Podolski’s chagrin, who was under the impression that Klinsmann would be signing other German stars for the team. He fails to show up for training, causing Klinsmann to promise to get tough with his charges.

March 2008 — Manchester United are holding on to their hopes in the league, and Ronaldo’s form is keeping the Red Devils in the race. At a press conference Benitez reads out a charge sheet of Ferguson’s poor behaviour on the touchline. The press herald it as a masterstroke of mind games, and Manchester United draw their next game. Crowds chant Meester Fer-goo-sun, what’s the score? throughout the game, while goals from Barry and Gerrard are enough to win at Old Trafford.

April 2008 — Thaksin’s case is progressing badly, and it worsens when it comes to light in court that he did a lot of bad things. When Sven Goran Eriksson defends him, he suggests that since Shinawatra is considered a fit owner for a Premiership club that the trial ought be aborted. He buckles, however, when the prosecution asks why the former prime minister is therefore not the owner of a team. Shinawatra fires him, and Eriksson claims £15m as a severance on his contract.

May 2008 — Liverpool win the Premiership. Enough is enough for Cristiano Ronaldo, who leaves for Real Madrid saying, “If we’d won the double or something then I’d have thought about staying probably”. Ferguson says the £70m from the Ronaldo transfer will not be enough to rebuild, and it soon transpires that a group from Abu Dhabi are in talks to take over Old Trafford.

“Originally we were thinking of buying Manchester City, but this is much better”, a spokesman says. The Blues have gone down, and the club is put up for sale for twice the original purchase price. Klinsmann leaves, upset to hear that his American owners had a quiet meeting with Steve McClaren about taking over in the summer.

June 2008 — Euro 2008 is a feast of football, and for once England play to their best in the tournament. The final is between England and Spain. A G-Bomb strike is cancelled out by a solo effort from David Villa, and the game is decided on penalties.

Nerves finally get the better of England, and John Terry, still fresh from missing a penalty in Moscow in the Champions League Final, misses the crucial spot kick here as the ball hits the crossbar. He remains as captain of England and Chelsea, but spends the entire 2008/9 season crying strong, silent man-tears.

Mark is one of the founders of Sport without Spin which pokes fun at the contradictions, illogicalities and chat that sporting coverage in the media creates.

From Soccerlens.com - Football News

An astonishing leaked interview with former England boss Steve “Umbrella” McClaren has made it clear to British football authorities that the man they entrusted with England’s dismal Euro 2008 qualifying campaign was in fact a Dutch spy, sent in to sabotage English football.

The interview (shown below) is thought to have been taken when McClaren was relaxed and off guard, unaware of his English audience.

He is shown speaking with his natural Dutch accent, only occasionally slipping into the pretend northern dialect he adopted during his days at Manchester United.

Steve McClaren Interview:

“We’re fuming,” said Brian Barwick (with a capital ‘B’). “The bloody Dutch did us twice – first they sent him to learn the secrets of football from the altar that is Old Trafford, and then they got him to wreck our chances at qualifying for the Euros. If I didn’t have a ridiculous moustache, you’d see my upper lip quivering in anger.”

It is believed the plot was begun after Shearer, Sheringham and co. whipped the Netherlands team 4-1 at Euro ’96. McClaren was appointed assistant manager at Manchester United in December 1998, having spent two years perfecting a northern accent and a wrinkled yet child-like demeanour, so as to pass under the radar.

Having spent five years pretending to manage at Middlesbrough, Dutch authorities elevated his status by plying him with talented Dutch players like Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink, and fixing two UEFA Cup games to let Boro come back from seemingly hopeless positions to reach the final on Dutch soil, in Eindhoven.

With the ability to win two cup games in a row making him the stand-out candidate for an “English” successor to Sven Goran Eriksson, McClaren was put in charge of the nation’s 2008 hopes, and duly conspired to wreck them.

On the 15th November 2006, with England leading the Dutch 1-0 in the last fifteen minutes, McClaren responded to the calls of his fatherland; he immediately subbed on Kieron Richardson, with the inevitable result that England conceded. Rafael Van der Vaart stroking home from ten yards with four minutes to go, and English morale was shattered.

From then on, he used the team’s low self esteem to churn out mind-numbingly poor performances, both failing to qualify, and, in the case of corners, consistently failing to clear the first man. Selections such as Michael Johnson and Wayne Bridge reduced the England team to a laughing stock, and Steve stepped down in November last year with revenge duly gained for his Dutch homeland.

Steve spent a sabbatical touring the windmills of the world, and then took a cushy coaching job back in Holland, with a large pension and a contented smile.

“Yes, I’d always suspected something,” said John Terry, wise after the event. “There were just a few too many tulips around the place. And who comes to training by canal!?”

Mr McClaren is now thought to be the cause of the credit crunch, global warming, and the Cillit Bang adverts as well.

The Armchair Fan promises to bring you all the stories from the football world which you will have missed in the regular press – check them out at his website.

From Soccerlens.com - Football News

Paul Merson speaks to Soccerlens about England’s chances in 2010, Alan Shearer, and why any Germany game holds special memories for him.

Watching a 40-year-old Paul Merson take to the field a couple of months ago against Scotland Legends you could see, despite his lack of pace, the touch and the vision that saw him become a star at Arsenal and earned him 21 England caps.

Indeed, it’s a testament to the attacker’s skills that he was the only member of England’s 1998 World Cup squad not to play for a top-flight team, and you wonder what Fabio Capello would give to have a player like Merson in his squad for the current qualifying campaign.

Not that the former Arsenal, Middlesbrough and Villa player, who’s preparing to play his second Legends game against Germany live on ITV4, sees himself as the type of player England needs. When asked which of the players from his generation would have helped England to Euro 2008 his answer is immediate: Alan Shearer.

England’s weaknesses

“It all comes down to goals doesn’t it,” Merson says when asked what made Shearer such a special player for England. “Gary Lineker was a goal scorer, Alan Shearer, you know, he led by example.

“But at the end of the day, England haven’t got that player. Michael Owen for me has to play every time England play because he is a proven goal scorer. We haven’t got a recognised out-and-out international centre-forward like Michael Owen. It does put the fear through the opposition when they see his name on the team sheet.”

Over the phone, Merson comes across exactly as you’d expect him to. On the pitch, be it for Arsenal, England or Aston Villa, he always wore a huge grin on his face and, as one Arsenal fan site simply states: Paul Merson loved playing football.

Today the conversation is punctuated frequently by his laughter, jokes and self-depreciating humour and it’s clear he enjoys speaking about football as much as he did playing it. But if there are reservations, they’re about the current state of the England team.

“It half picks itself nowadays, the team, really. I remember years ago you could sit in the pub or sit at work and you could try and name the England team and everybody would have a different opinion.

“You know, nowadays, you sit and talk to people and say pick the team and everybody virtually picks the same team, bar one or two players tops and that’s it. So that’s the worrying thing for me – the first 11′s very very good and the rest are not… you know, they’re not up to the standard of winning a tournament.”

Merson certainly has a point. The England Legends team that played Scotland, and the team that will face Germany on Thursday, had players like Les Ferdinand, Lee Sharpe and Ray Parlour who would surely have commanded a place in today’s team but only have a handful of caps between them.

But Merson, like most involved in the game, doesn’t have an immediate solution on how England can build a future squad of new legends although he does suggest learning from abroad.

“For me, I don’t think the coaching methods are like the ones abroad. You know in Holland, and Germany, and places like that – everybody seems so comfortable on the ball from a young age.”
But the former PFA Young Player of the Year is still confident Fabio Capello’s England can perform and will be in South Africa in two years time, although he’s not expecting free-flowing, attacking football from the former Juve and Real Madrid boss.

“We’ve still got to qualify and I don’t think it’ll be entertaining or pretty but that’s not the point. They need to qualify. The last manager messed-up big time, so, I’m sure he’ll [Capello] get England to the World Cup — I don’t see any question about that at all.”

Legends — past and present

There’s no question Merson’s looking forward to taking on the Germans in Sheffield, and pulling on the Three Lions of England once again. “When you get twenty-two professional… ex-professional footballers on the pitch, everybody wants to win,” he says.

“There’s no such thing as a friendly. They don’t even break a smile. It’ll be competitive, there’s no question about that, you know everybody wants to win.

“We played them last time and we got half-slaughtered, to be fair, but that was when all the celebrities were playing so it should be different this time around.”

The game Merson’s referring to is the 2006 game at Reading that featured the infamous moment where the now-Mayor of London Boris Johnson launched headfirst into a tackle that would have been more appropriate for the oval ball game.

That game ended in a 4-2 defeat for the English and it would be fair to say Merson would quite like to get a bit of revenge on Thursday, but with the likes of Steffen Freund, Fredi Bobic and Carsten Ramelow in the German team, he knows it won’t be easy.

“You know, these are decent players. We played against the Scotland team and thought ‘uh-oh, they’re all young, a lot younger’ but we played well. But this one will be a different game. Completely different.”

And Merson then launches into one of his trademark laughs when the amount of honours the German squad has won is reeled off to him.

“I’m not looking at that! It’s 34 inch waists I’m looking at! I’m not looking at the middle, I’m looking at their waistlines. We’ve got a couple of 44s, 46s, 40s! But no it should be good, you know. It’s a great opportunity to play against some great players.”

The game also has an extra special significance for Merson. Back in 1991, fresh from a league title at Arsenal, he made his debut against the reunited German team in a friendly at Wembley — the first time East and West Germany had played together as one country since the Second World War.

And one of those players who’ll be leading the fight against Germany at Bramall Lane is former Captain Marvel Bryan Robson, a player it’s clear Merson has nothing but the utmost respect for.

“Bryan Robson’s got to be up there for me. He’s got to be up there. You know, great for me is whoever performs in the World Cup and he was a top man in the World Cup.

“I worked under him at Middlesbrough as well — he was a brilliant and unbelievable player. I’m also a massive fan of John Barnes. You know, people say he never did it for England but I don’t agree with that. He was a top man. People blocked him out of the game, made sure he never played but I thought he was a brilliant player.”

But neither Barnes nor Robson quite gets the accolade as Merson’s all-time England legend. Instead he gives the accolade to arguably England’s best player at the 1990 World Cup — Paul Gascoigne.

“Bryan Robson was unbelievable, you know, but when he’s played, you know, I would have to say Paul Gascoigne, I really would. He shines. Paul Gascoigne, 1990, was probably one of the best players in the world in that tournament.”

As for today’s England Legends, Merson has no hesitation in naming Steven Gerrard, who he describes as “one of the best players in the world.”

More than that, it’s clear Merson thinks Gerrard is key to Liverpool’s title hopes this season. “No question about it,” he says when asked. “He is Liverpool. If Torres and Gerrard don’t play for Liverpool they ain’t winning the game.”

And with that, the double League Championship winner, and Arsenal and England Legend, has to go, but not before signing off with another deep laugh and a “take care.”

He may be more worried about his waistline than his performance, but if the Scotland game is anything to go by, the Germans should be worried about seeing Merson lining up opposite them — he is a man still in love with the game on and off the pitch.

England v Germany Legends is live at Bramall Lane on ITV4 from 7pm. Tickets are £10 adults and £5 concessions.

From Soccerlens.com - Football News