The unadulterated thrill of witnessing a magical moment of attacking inspiration is what keeps many of us hooked on the beautiful game but let us never forget that at the heart of every great football team is always a truly world-class central defender.

Red Rants interviewee and Manchester United ‘rock’ Nemanja Vidic unquestionably falls into that category, so I thought it was the perfect excuse to examine the world of defending in search of the best centre-backs around today…

Best Centre-Backs

Nemanja Vidic

The Serbian is an immense presence in the Premier League champions’ back four and the perfect foil for Rio Ferdinand. Powerful, strong in the tackle and a fine reader of the game, Vidic also boasts an excellent goalscoring record for a centre-back. He has been at the heart of Serbia’s impressive World Cup qualifying campaign.

Giorgio Chiellini

Voted best defender in Serie A last season, the Juventus defender has developed into one of the world’s most reliable centre-halves. Since switching from his original position of left-back, the 25-year-old has been outstanding and uses his athleticism to full effect. The way he nullified Spain’s Fernando Torres and David Villa at Euro 2008 was magnificent.

Carles Puyol

Barcelona’s iconic veteran has more than 400 appearances for the club under his belt and is showing no signs of hanging up his boots in the near future. His lack of pace was a concern earlier in his career but the Catalan defender’s intelligence and fierce determination continue to mark him out as one of the best around. A proven big-match performer.

Rio Ferdinand

Consistently immaculate performances for club and country have become a trademark of the slick Manchester United defender’s game in recent seasons. Below par displays in the Champions League final and England’s recent friendly with Holland can be blamed on injury concerns but when he is fully fit, there is no better ball-playing central defender on the planet.

John Terry

Every top centre-back should have leadership qualities and there can be no denying that the Chelsea skipper has these in abundance. Brave and resolute, Terry is the greatest specimen of an ‘old fashioned’ centre-half in the modern game. His selection as UEFA defender of the year shows the esteem in which he is held.

Best Centre-Back Partnerships

Wonderful defensive partnerships are also a vital ingredient to all successful sides. In the past we’ve marvelled at the likes of Hansen and Lawrenson, Maldini and Nesta, Bruce and Pallister but who are the current holders of the crown? Here are three prime candidates…

Carles Puyol & Carlos Marchena (Spain)

Spain’s resurgence at international level may have been long overdue but much of the credit has to go to their brilliant centre-back partnership. Since becoming European champions, the Barca and Valencia duo have continued to shine alongside one another, conceding just two goals in seven matches.

Rio Ferdinand & Nemanja Vidic (Manchester United)

The fact Sir Alex Ferguson has compared his current centre back pairing with Steve Bruce and Gary Pallister shows just how highly he rates them. Since becoming partners three years ago, United have won trophies galore and that is no coincidence. These two players fit perfectly next to each other.

John Terry & Ricardo Carvalho (Chelsea)

Jose Mourinho brought these two internationals together in 2004 and they have formed a rock solid partnership ever since. Recent seasons have been disrupted by injuries but whenever these two are paired at the heart of Chelsea’s defence, the Blues look a much more formidable side.

Well, that’s my view – do you agree? I’d love to hear your thoughts and alternative suggestions…

As a young star-struck kid, like most of my peers, my unswerving ambition was to meet some of my heroes (all footballers needless to say), get an autograph… a photograph even, and become the envy of my football crazy mates.

It never actually happened though! My being in Dublin and my heroes hanging-out in Manchester didn’t help and, in truth, I never actually had a cohesive strategy…just a distant dream.

As you get older of course you get a bit more picky, especially when you find yourself older than many (Oh all right then!…all) of the current crop of heroes. Surely these overpaid kids with attitude would not live-up to the image you have managed to create in your head. Meeting them is less of a priority, in fact something to be avoided! Some older heroes stay on the agenda though, true legends who could still render you speechless.

But for most of our readers, untarnished by cynicism and time, you’ll still be plotting ways to get that treasured memento. So I’m here to help you out…to get a strategy as it were…so you’ll not remain forever a dreamer as I was.

I’ve come-up with the 10 best ways for you to pursue your goal, but I must warn you….none of them are easy,…some demand serious commitment, while money (loads of it) will be useful for others.

Number 1: On the Pitch

Note: Requires extreme nerve; be prepared for bruising, arrest and caution.

Yes, there is nowhere more certain in terms of finding football players than on the pitch (dates and times advertised liberally in the media). But do you have the cojones for such a venture? Well Dutch courage can certainly help here. Get down the pub early and if you’re smart you’ll have some serious currency bet in advance. No point in being called an idiot by Andy Gray without a good return after all!

And most important of all…forget this at your peril… as you can’t depend on mainstream TV coverage… get a mate in the crowd to video your exploits. After all you’ll need evidence to call in those bets! Now this Utd. fan at Bolton remembered the brief and had all the pieces in place…..except he forgot his mate would be as pissed as he was and the video tells its own story. Would you pay-out on this evidence??

Did Ya See me at Bolton?

This Barca fan manages to get all the way to Ronaldinho. Not a toothy grin in sight from the concerned Brazilian as his suitor is man-handled away.

Ronnie Love

And Barca again…must be something in the sangria! I take my hat off to this guy though!

You can take your hat off

But if you’ve got the body and the talent then cojones are not required…you’re a shoe-in to score..even in bare feet!

Irresistible Force

Number 2: Bars and Clubs

Note: Requires wads of cash and some charisma

Yes, unlike the good old days when you might rub shoulders with players down the local boozer, today’s lot hang out in exclusive places where mere mortals like us, should we dare to present ourselves at the door, are regarded with utter distain by the 300 pound gorilla in a suit blocking our path. But there are ways around this!

Roll-up in a Porsche/Ferrari/Bentley, wearing an Armani suit (or a little black number showing plenty of leg…if you’re a girl…or a cross-dresser) and flash a hundred quid note as you offer your hand to the bouncer. Guaranteed you’ll be good to go!

Once in you’ll have to do your own work of course. If you’re male you can always track your target to the gents…but don’t use the “what a big dick” line as it could be misinterpreted, unless of course it’s Joey Barton and you fancy a rumble.

If you’re female I suggest using all of your assets. I’m not saying get them out but, assuming they’re prominent, don’t hide your light under a bushel (as it were) and if there’s a stage with a poll, request something raunchy from the DJ and get sliding! (If the DJ refuses to co-operate throw three punches but only connect with two…magistrates don’t seem to have a problem with this approach and all charges will be dropped!)

However, if you can’t get your hands on the wheels, the suit or the bribe you can always hang around outside with the paparazzi and freeze your cojones off (yes I’m getting that word in as often as possible here…cause I like it!)

So where are these clubs and bars I hear you ask? Well if you live in the London area here is a guide to some guaranteed hits. If you live elsewhere…do your own research!

Hang-outs of London Footballers

Number 3: Go to Jail

Note: Extreme, you’ll need to be a nutter…and, yes, there are a few who come on here!

Well why not? Enough players end up there! Timing will be the issue here. If one of your favourite players gets busted and you’re sure he’s ‘going down’ then you’ll need to act fast.

Firstly, select your crime (if you live in Liverpool, burgling the player’s house could be a real ice breaker when you meet up in the nick!) But make sure you commit the crime it in a jurisdiction that is likely to see you incarcerated in the same place…don’t get this wrong… instead of doing porridge with (say) Stephen Gerrard you could be in with Percy and Pauli, two six foot five tattoo artists who are missing their ‘girlfriends’.

I only recommend this option to the seriously desperate/deluded. However, here are some of the autographs you could have collected in the past if you followed this strategy.

Jailed Footballers

Number 4: At Home.

Their homes that is!
Note: Requires patience, deception and charisma.

Another obvious option! There are various ways to approach this. It’s easy enough to find out where they live (just get yourself a date with Rosie Lambert and push her buttons…..guaranteed she’ll spill). Tap-up the Real Estate Agent

Once you get there though you’ll need a plan. Hanging around outside won’t do as that puts you in my stalker category and anyway you’ll only get a glimpse of your hero as a Mercedes speeds through the gates and down a driveway so long that the house is probably in a different county. You might get lucky if they stop to collect the mail but are hardly likely to engage them before a panic button has you rugby tackled by security. No, this strategy needs more analysis.

How about, having found the address, you apply for a job as a nanny, cook, security guard, gardener, chauffeur etc. etc.? Bit of a long shot but imagine the exposure if you succeed! But then there’s the risk the player is transferred. Nah! Too much trouble. Only an option for the seriously besotted (read dangerous).

But if you want a closer look at some footballers pads here you go.

Footballers Pads

Number 5: On Holdiay.

Note: Good sources and planning essential. Luck and cash a bonus.

In the good old days you could roll-up at a beach in Majorca on a sunny June afternoon and expect a kick about with several pro footballers, adjourn to the pub for a night of fun and even feed off the scraps of their female entourage…if you had good lines or were just plain lucky. But wait… weren’t they the days when none of us could afford to holiday in Majorca?

These days it’s usually the elite locations, which most of us still can’t afford. An exclusive villa in the Seychelles is the Beckhams’ latest choice….imagine the security… no way will Becks be photographed ever again wearing a sarong!

But, surprisingly, many footballers still frequent locations we can all access. It’s a game of chance though. Unless your sources are first class you won’t hear anything about it until you read the News of the World and find that your hero had a mishap…always involving sex, drugs or Rock and Roll violence.

Yes, you can meet them on holidays and they may not be coherent but it could be one hell of a night. Worst case scenario you’ll make a packet from the British tabloids for selling the story!

Holiday Bad Boys.

Number 6: Restaurants.

Note: only requires minor research and luck.

OK, I accept…bloody boring. So let’s get this one over with quickly. It’s easy to get a list of the best restaurants in town. The tabloids or your ‘sources’ will let you know who eats where…and then it’s down to chance …..unless you can afford to eat there every night of the week until your hero turns up.

Once spotted you can sidle up to him politely and ask for an autograph while his date/wife subtly adjusts her top to stop you getting an eyeful.

However, for a bit of excitement ignore the fine dining joints and head to McDonalds in the early hours. Burger and biffs are the favourite order! Yes, it’s good old Joey again…I think he’s had a mention in my last 4 articles…remarkable!

Barton Fries

Number 7: Driving

Note: Requires a set of wheels….or maybe not…?

These days footballers’ cars are not that hard to spot. If it doesn’t cost over 100k it’s not worth getting behind the wheel! You could do a whole article on footballers’ cars alone!

Anyway, a couple of trips down the training grounds will get you familiar with who has what and you can even write down registration numbers just to be sure. Then it’s just a case of lying in wait down the road and as your target cruises by taking-off in hot pursuit.

At this point you’ll need to decide between the benign and the bad! The benign approach is to wait until you hit a red light, jump from your vehicle and tap on your hero’s window. He’ll either: speed-off in terror, risking life and limb; produce a can of Mace and leave you gasping on the highway or, possibly, roll-down the window and obligingly give you an autograph. It’s a crap shoot but you can probably read the guys who’ll oblige.

The ‘bad’ on the other hand involves bumping your target from behind (make sure this is done at low revs). He’ll be out of his car with a speed you’ll not recognize from his performances on the pitch, demanding your insurance details. This is where you go all ‘hero-worship’ (dropping to the ground and bowing is recommended). If he’s a decent bloke he’ll shrug, tell you it’s only a scratch which 5 minutes wages will cover, offer you an autograph and a handshake and, if you’ve excelled at the groveling, he may even throw in a couple of match tickets.

However, if you’re one of our younger readers and don’t drive there’s no need to despair. Follow the above procedure but lie in wait behind a parked vehicle as your hero approaches. Timing is critical here as potential death or serious injury come into the equation. Leap out in front of the car and hope he brakes in time. After that he’ll be so relieved he’ll offer you a season ticket for life (mumble something about the tabloids to speed-up this process.)

But I must warn you, this strategy is risky. This kid not only got a double leg fracture but he also got the car wrong. How gutted was he, as a Man Utd. fan, when Stephen Gerrard alighted from the vehicle?

Gerrard Hits Utd Fan

Number 8: Stalking.

Note: Only for the mentally disturbed….yes, plenty of them on here!

No need to actually meet your hero when you can build-up a complete fantasy relationship in your head…now is there? Find out the players movements and follow him around. Make lewd accusations to get yourself noticed…getting his mobile number will be a huge step forward…better still his home number so you can upset the WAG!

Before you know it you’ll be in the tabloids, have a restraining order against you and maybe even end up in court with the full attention of your chosen victim. Ah yes, an excellent strategy for the crazies out there!

But don’t end up like this poor woman whatever you do.

Sad Stalker Story

I wonder who that player was?

Number 9: Become a WAG

Note: requires extreme dedication and great looks…personality optional.

The rules that go with this one are legion and I’m seriously under-qualified to offer advice…but I know where you can find it.

How to be a Successful WAG

Follow all or any of my other tips to get noticed (ensuring you are looking your most ravishing at all times…..goes without saying really) and once in do as the video says…you can’t go wrong!

A little warning though, once you’re in you’ll need a thick skin to cope. Here’s a sample of what to expect!

What to Expect from the Press (Yes, I know you’ve had a lot of reading to do but this is a quality article!)

Number 10: By Chance

Note: Need to be lucky.

My own personal favourite, and not just because I’ve been dying to tell you my treasured little anecdote! Well OK, it IS because of that, but once you hear it you’ll want to tell all of your friends…guaranteed!

Now my all time hero in football is, always was, and always will be the legend that was Bestie! Old enough to have seen him play, having read every book written by or about the man and having had his picture poster in pride of place on my bedroom wall throughout my childhood years….he’s my undisputed Number 1 hero in football!

So there I was in 2001 on the Kings Road in Chelsea. I had been over for a business thing on Friday and my darling wife joined me for the weekend. We did the usual stuff and with a couple of hours to kill before our flight home we wandered into Henry J Beans pub/restaurant on the Kings Road for some light refreshment before our trip. The bar end (at the front) was deserted and we perched ourselves on a couple of high stools facing the 3m high frosted glass doors. As I pondered the lack of a creamy head on my beer the doors opened and a track-suited figure appeared (yes it was literally an apparition…I thought!)

Said figure stood and perused the surroundings. With us being the only living creatures in sight his glance fell our way and I nodded, receiving a smile and a friendly nod in return. Th..tha…that….that’s Bestie! I squeaked as my wife stooped to lift my jaw from the floor.

Bestie was quickly followed into the premises by his wife and father (I knew the whole family naturally!) and they took refuge in an alcove to our left. I played it cool (if you can ever be cool while shaking like a leaf) and waited for the great man to take a trip to the lavatory (reconnaissance had already established that it was just behind us.)

As Bestie returned I said “George…any chance?” as I proffered a sheet of hotel paper and a pen. He obliged smilingly, and, as I knew from reading about him, didn’t engage in conversation (leads to trouble too many times.)

Afterwards my wife caught the flight back to Dublin while I flew home unaided! I rang all my mates the next day to gloat.

Finally a childhood dream realized, 30 years on! May he rest in peace!

Right, dry your eyes and get over it!

So there you have it! There’s absolutely no excuse for you not meeting your goal and if you succeed I want to hear about it (in some cases I’ll want a percentage!)

So who have you met and how? Bet you can’t top my Bestie story!

Editor:Sometimes meeting a footballer can turn into a whole different story.

Where I come from, there tends to be two kinds of boys. Car boys and football boys. You can like both of course, but essentially you know at some point you are going to have to choose. Are you a Top Gear guy or a Match of the Day man? It may be a sociological problem at some level, but the fact remains that despite sharing the tag of being “sports”, football and motor racing are poles apart.

After the debate stirred up by my dissection of cricket and football recently- all criticism welcome and in most cases deserved- the time has come to take on the four-wheeled, money-making beast that is Formula One. Why does football trump this sport so comprehensively, even in a week when arguably the greatest Champion in the history of F1- Michael Schumacher, announced his stunning (and compassionate) return to the cockpit to replace injured friend Felipe Massa.

1. Safety

Only one place to start really, this would have been the number one issue even if it hadn’t been for the events at the Hungaroring last month. Football has its risks, injuries certainly are a far more common occurrence in the modern age than they ever have been, but in a wider sense an injury is not necessarily the end of the world. Muscle strain? Few weeks out. Broken leg? Few months out. Despite being very much a contact sport, football is relatively low on the danger scale.

Formula One, on the other hand, has to be right up near the top of said scale. Anyone who complains about the money paid to top drivers would do well to remember that these guys are driving at breakneck speeds, in cars designed to go as fast as possible. Safety standards have undoubtedly improved, but it took the deaths of Roland Ratzenberger & three times World Champions Ayrton Senna during the same weekend at the 1994 San Marino GP to see safety elevated to a primary issue.

Ratzenberger died when a front wing deficiency caused his car to smash into a wall at almost 315km/h during a practice session, fracturing his skull fatally. Just a day later Senna, already disturbed by both the Ratzenberger incident and another serious crash involving his countryman Rubens Barrichello in another practise session, ran straight off the track at a high speed corner (telemetry shows Senna left the track at 310km/h but had managed to slow to around 219km/h at the time of impact). The Brazilian suffered fatal head injuries, believed to be caused by impact made by the car’s front wheel smashing into his helmet, and despite the best efforts of the F1 medical squad, he was pronounced dead later in the day.

These incidents prompted a number of serious changes to the sport, most of which have been hugely successful. The structure of F1 cars, which were previously geared exclusively towards speed, became more safety-orientated, concrete walls were replaced by tyre barriers and driver safety became an ongoing concern. Statistics show that Formula One’s safety record over the fifteen years since Imola 94 is commendable, but still the risk persists, as seen with the Massa incident at Hungary recently.

There, the Ferrari driver was hit by a suspension spring which had broken off the front of Barrichello’s car. The metal spring left a four inch gash in the reinforced helmet worn by Massa, and also penetrated his visor, causing a deep gash in his head, and fracturing his skull. Not forgetting of course that the Brazilian was travelling at around 200km/h at the time of impact, and continued his journey- unconscious- head on into a tyre barrier. Massa is not expected to compete again this year, but in truth he is lucky to be alive.

The facts are, although Formula One is a sport which has made incredible strides in terms of safety- you only need to look at the innovations made by teams such as Lotus & Ferrari in the last forty or so years to see this- drivers still find themselves at risk every time they step into the cockpit. Additionally, human error can prove fatal, whereas in football human error can cause a loss of goals, points or at worst trophies. For example, even during the same race on Sunday, Fernando Alonso saw his front right wheel fly loose across the track after an error during a pitstop. At the pace F1 cars drive, a loose wheel could kill.

Ok that was a bit morbid to begin with, but it is a valid point in my opinion. Safety is as important in sport as it is in life, and in that respect Formula One still has a way to go.

2. Politics

Arguably, no other sport houses as much political in-fighting as Formula One. Ask any expert, past or present, what their number one gripe with the sport is, and I guarantee you they will say the politics which prevail. Recently both Michael Schumacher & Nick Heidfeld have commented on the situation, which is currently threatening the very existence of the sport as we know it (see point three).

The sport is governed by the Fédération Internationale de l’Automobile (FIA), which houses a collation of the organisation’s many member groups. Its president is a man not unfamiliar with controversy, Max Mosley. Without going too deeply into his sexual peccadilloes, Mr Mosley’s credibility has suffered greatly over the past year and a half as a string of lurid stories have appeared concerning his personal life. It is fair to say that his imminent bid for re-election in October should be an interesting campaign.

Either way, whoever is in charge (Mosley has been since 1993), seems unable to stop the issues which are blighting competition in F1. Namely the confusion surrounding rules and regulations, which have dogged recent seasons and threatened this one before it had even began. In 2005 we had the farce of the US Grand Prix, in which only six cars competed due to safety fears regarding tyres, which were not handled effectively by the FIA. Last season we saw numerous punishments doled out at an alarming rate, often well after the race had been completed. Lewis Hamilton suffered from this at the Belgium Grand Prix, a race he had seemingly won. However, stewards ruled that he had performed an illegal manoeuvre in cutting a chicane (in a bid to avoid smashing into Ferrari’s Kimi Räikkönen by the way), and gave him a post-race penalty of 25 seconds, changing not just the result of the race but also the make-up of the Championship.

Of course I am not ignorant enough to believe that such punishments are meted out without reason. My issue is with a sport in which the final result of a contest can be amended. Imagine fans of Hamilton who would pay good money to watch their hero race, win, and then find out when they get home that he has been demoted. The FIA and race stewards have a duty to govern the sport, but I think it is fair to say they haven’t found a perfect way to do so as of yet. Their enforcements of rules are often haphazard and inconsistent, a sure-fire indicator of the political unrest which runs through the sport like the word “Blackpool” on a stick of rock. Say what you like about Sepp Blatter and FIFA, but one thing he does not (on the face of it at least) have the power to do is to influence the result of a football game, and fans can leave a match happy that the result they have just witnessed will be the result when they wake up the following morning.

3. The future

And what of the future of F1? Football may well be set for a financial meltdown in some quarters, and big clubs may well need bringing down a peg or two in order to restore a bit of parity to the game. But at least we know there will be a sport next season!

The sport is currently at the centre of an ongoing feud between the FIA and the Formula One Teams Association (FOTA), with the main sticking point being an agreed £40m budget cap on all teams for the 2010 season. The FOTA argued that such a restriction would result in a two-tier Championship, with bigger teams granted greater technical freedom. When showdown talks between the two parties broke down, four teams- Ferrari, Toro Rosso, Renault & Red Bull- threatened to withdraw from the 2010 Championship, and talk of a breakaway Championship soon emerged.

Legal action was threatened, the first team to cross the picket-line and confirm their entry for 2010- Williams- were banned indefinitely from FOTA, as were Force India. The eight remaining members of FOTA went back and forth, issuing threats, demands and lawsuits, and it was only in June that some sort of agreement was reached between the two parties.

However, later that month it emerged that the FOTA members had been informed that they were not entered for the 2010 season, leaving the future of the sport very much in limbo.

4. Meritocracy

In sport, you tend to find that talent shines through. Even in team sports. And especially in football. It doesn’t matter how bad a team is, a good player will be a good player, and will be recognised as such. You don’t necessarily need to be in the best team or at the best club to be considered a successful footballer- look at Diego Maradona’s accomplishments at Napoli, or the reverence afforded to Matthew Le Tissier or Alan Shearer at Southampton or Newcastle.

Formula One, it seems, is very different. A good driver can be rendered useless by a dud car, a slow team or bad tactics. Lewis Hamilton was the youngest Champion in F1 history last year, shining with his aggressive driving style, tactical nous and cool temperament. He still possesses all those attributes this season too. But what he also possesses is a car that he has at various times this season described as “dead slow”. Indeed, Sunday’s success in Hungary was Hamilton’s first podium finish of the season, and took his points tally to just 19- a full 51 points behind Championship leader Jenson Button. Putting that into context for a second, Button last season drove for the Honda team, and picked up just three points throughout the entire season.

Who is the better driver? We will probably never know until all cars are identical- which is unlikely to happen any time soon. Many consider the likes of Michael Schumacher & Ayrton Senna to be the best drivers of the modern era, but who knows if lesser lites such as Gerhard Berger or Jean Alesi may have had such success with the (full) backing of McLaren or Ferrari? If you ask me, football provides a far more reassuring, and transparent, level of meritocracy. We know who is good and who isn’t, and talent is easier to spot and admire.

5. Team Orders or Race Fixing?

It is probably one of the few racing issues with which I have a true opinion. One that, to me, is the equivalent of a staged football match.

Team orders within Formula One are common. In truth, most teams have a hierarchy among their two drivers, with one driver preferred above another. This driver will often be the beneficiary of a more aggressive strategy, more technical improvement and, in some cases, scandalously, staged track position.

Schumacher was the master benefactor of this, during his time at Ferrari the German would often inherit wins from team-mate Rubens Barrichello, who would slow down to allow his colleague past, in order to assist his World title charge. A nice bit of team-work? Or plain race-fixing? I think it is the latter. If Barrichello drove a better race than Schumacher, he deserves the win. Simple. Handing it to a slower driver devalues the whole competitive spirit of the sport, not to mention cheapening the career of both drivers. Why wouldn’t Schumacher want to win a race fairly on the track? Kimi Räikkönen inherited a World Championship a few seasons later at Brazil having been waved through by team-mate Felipe Massa, but to me it left a sour taste as he was clearly not the best driver during that race, winning only due to team orders.

I know it is hard to cross-contextualise between sports, but it is the equivalent of the fixed football match. There are unconfirmed instances where such collusion has taken place in football- Germany v Austria in 1982, Coventry v Bristol City in 1977- and experts suggest that end of season match collusion is rife in Italy & Spain, but these instances are widely considered to be scandals, insults to the game’s integrity. In Formula One, team orders (a.k.a. race fixing) is considered par for the course. Not good.

So there you have it, first cricket, now formula one. Is there any sport that can top football? Keep reading to find out.

Also Read: 10 Reasons why Football is better than Cricket.

You might not know it as you zip up your coat to brave the rain and the wind, but summer is here in England. And that means one thing. Cricket. The Ashes are in full (reverse) swing at the moment, and the feelgood factor is pretty high following England’s triumph at Lords.

I have to admit it, I like cricket, I enjoy playing it and watching it. But there is still that nagging feeling that the only reason I really enjoy it is because of the void left by another sport. Namely football.

Would I be as enthused by Paul Collingwood scratching around for a fifty if there was a World Cup on? Would Graeme Swann’s doosra really get the blood pumping if Messi, Kaká & Torres were going head to head? I doubt it. It might upset the MCC, but here goes. Football is better than cricket. And here’s why:

1. The Clothing

Let’s face it here; cricket kits are ridiculous aren’t they? The whites worn by all countries during test cricket may be traditional, and Australians will talk all day about the pride felt wearing the “Baggy Green” cap representing their country, but in the end they really are just glorified pyjamas. When you see fielders sliding around a grassy outfield wearing white slacks, it is a soap powder commercial’s heaven.

And let’s not even get started on the one day strips. Football may have been a little more pure in the days before shirt sponsorship, but even with AIG or Carlsberg or Emirates plastered on your chest, this Arsenal home shirt looks a damn sight better than this Lancashire kit, don’t you think?

2. International participation

According to the International Cricket Council (ICC), there are 104 members which actively participate in international cricket. Eerily this is exactly half of the number possessed by its football equivalent, FIFA. However, the ICC houses only ten full members- a figure swelled as recently as 2000 with the arrival of Bangladesh. This means that all International first class cricket consists of matches between these ten nations- England, Australia, New Zealand, South Africa, India, Sri Lanka, Pakistan, West Indies, Bangladesh, Zimbabwe.

And whilst tournaments such as the Cricket World Cup open their doors to “associate members” (teams such as Ireland, Holland & Scotland), there is a feeling that the ICC is, and will remain to be, a pretty closed shop with regards to new members. The sport may be on the rise in nations such as the Netherlands and the USA, but it has been nine years since Bangladesh were admitted to the elite, and in that time they have managed just three test victories, and remain bottom of the Test Rankings (ignoring the current ban on the Zimbabwe team). The omens are not great for associate members, and as for affiliate members (the likes of the Falkland Islands, Belize & Rwanda), the sport remains very much an amateur one.

Compare that to football for a second. In the past five World Cups we have seen nations such as Croatia, South Korea, Bulgaria, Romania, USA and the Ukraine enjoy prosperous (and surprising) runs, whilst at European level we have witnessed the remarkable success of Greece in 2004, the Czechs in 1996, and Denmark in 1992. Football is certainly a more levelled out sport, with more countries able to compete at a high level, increasing the competitiveness of the game, and helping it to avoid monotony.

3. The Cost

I don’t wish to preach here, my political and social knowledge is limited enough to make such acts a little difficult. But simple facts remain. To play football, what do I need? Two posts, a football, and some appropriate footwear (trainers or boots). I don’t even need that many other people, a goalkeeper will do. And whilst top-end football boots are pricey, it is possible to pick up some for a reasonable sum.

Compare that to what is required to have a useful game of cricket. If we are playing correctly you will need a proper cricket ball, a couple of bats, some stumps, some pads and a helmet (unless you are hard enough to take on the big red cherry without….which you aren’t). It can be an expensive pastime (see for yourself). Especially as a decent bat can cost up to £200, gloves can cost up to £50, helmet up to £40, ball around £30 and pads upwards of £60. And let’s not forget a pretty hefty holdall to carry it all around in too by the way.

Understandably, such costs can prove pretty prohibitive, especially for young working class families. Despite obvious blurring of class lines, especially in England, over the past few decades, such issues still reveal themselves in professional sport. Comparing the backgrounds of England football internationals and cricket internationals is interesting. Inner city kids- your Wayne Rooneys, Steven Gerrards etc- tend to find themselves priced out of sports such as cricket (and tennis) at a young age, and therefore turn to football.

4. Time Scales

Test cricket is a wonderful sport, I can’t deny it. The ultimate examination of a cricketer’s technique, temperament and, equally significantly, endurance. A test match is played over five gruelling days and, whilst this is necessary to ensure a fair result and a decent spectacle, it can dissuade some people from following the sport. Considering that you could, theoretically, watch five seven-hour days of cricket, and end without a result, it is not hard to see why some thrill-seekers are turned away from the game, and why the shorter format- One Day Internationals & Twenty20- is beginning to dominate the sport.

Comparing it to football, it is easy to understand why it lags behind in terms of spectator-friendliness. Prices may be relatively similar (and one could argue that a full day’s viewing represents better value for money) but football offers an infinitely more intense spectacle, and one which has an air of exclusivity that cannot be replicated by cricket. Knowing that a game lasts 90 minutes only (unless Sir Alex Ferguson is in charge of the watch….ok, cheap gag) adds to the whole experience. In cricket you simply don’t get that level of intensity or suspension, at least not until one team is chasing in the fourth innings. The Ashes series of 2005 was unique in a sense that it seemed to emit drama at just about every turn, but it is fair to say that it was a rare occurrence.

5. Atmosphere

There are exceptions to this rule, I have to say. The Boxing Day tests at the MCG in Australia tend to be incredibly atmospheric, and there is a special atmosphere watching cricket in India at times, but on the whole a cricket match tends to have a far more laid back, carnival-like feel to it. The tribal nature of football crowds may overstep the mark at times, but it undoubtedly- in my eyes anyway- trumps the cricket mob in terms of creating and maintaining an atmosphere.

It is natural I suppose, linking in to the time-scale argument. It must be hard for a cricket fan to maintain enthusiasm for five solid days of action, especially when distractions such as alcohol, fancy-dress and the ever-irritating Mexican wave are so readily available. Football fans, on the contrary, are almost a part of the game; they are the twelfth man, willing their team forward, putting their rivals off, mocking mistakes, delighting in being in the presence of quality, and generally creating a far more atmospheric context in which to view sport.

6. Terminology

Cricket is a complex sport. Yes it is a bat and a ball, but there are a multitude of shots, of field positions, of bowling deliveries, most of which seem to have cornered the market on downright stupid names.

Fielders can occupy a position in the gulley, at point, in the covers (but not under them), or in a silly position. We have short legs and long legs, mid ons and mid wickets, long ons and deep covers and extra covers. It is a minefield. Then we have the bowlers serving up doosras and googlies, sliders and flippers, bouncers and Yorkers, slow left chinamen (left arm spin bowlers if you were interested) and arm balls.

Whoever was thinking up these terms must have been enjoying the benefits of the Edgbaston members’ bar at the time, me thinks. Give me the pass, tackle and shoot mentality of football any day.

7. Controversy

Football gets a bad press, and rightly so in some cases. It is true that the financial obsession within the game is spoiling certain aspects, and as a purist myself there are days when I long for a more innocent, pure sport. But then cricket, the whiter than white sport, is hardly infallible to the perils of controversy either. A sport that prides itself on sportsmanship has had some pretty high profile examples of skulduggery in the past.

In 1981 we had the infamous “underarm” bowling incident, involving Australian cricketers Greg & Trevor Chappell. Their opponents, New Zealand, needed six runs off the final ball of a One Day International. Australia were in no mood to take any risks there, so skipper Greg informed bowler Trevor to roll the ball gently down the track, eliminating the threat of the New Zealand batsman. Classy.

As far as I am aware also, in football we have never had the news that an international captain, one of the world’s top players, has been betting on his own side to lose. South Africa captain Hansie Cronje was involved in such an incident in the early 2000s. And whilst football has its share of cheats, Diego Maradona springs to mind at this point, the fact that Cronje was basically selling out his own country leaves a sour taste in the mouth. A gentleman’s sport indeed, but not played exclusively by them.

Football controversy is not entirely innocent of course, there are the bad tackles, the crowd violence, the drug scandals, even their own match fixing incidents, but for a sport priding itself on a clean-cut image such as cricket, such incidents are hard to gloss over.

8. Money talks

It is probably the number one criticism levelled at football these days. That there is too much money flying around, that the connection with the man on the street has been lost, that players have lost touch with reality somewhat. Give me the honest, working class, man of the people cricketer any day of the week.

Woah there! Hold on a second. The IPL anyone? Sir Allen Stanford?

The IPL is a breakaway Twenty20 cricket league in India, first held last year, and which features the cream of the crop from world cricket. A bit like the Premier League you could say, but even more faceless and money driven. Impossible? Nope. Players were assigned to the league’s eight teams using an auction system, and several player simply abandoned their own county/state sides back home to compete in the IPL. So much for a sense of belonging or community then. How much did Kevin Pietersen or Jacques Kallis know about Bangalore before they joined their side “Royal Challengers Bangalore”? Did Paul Collingwood spend his teenage years dreaming of representing the “Delhi Daredevils”? No, they did it for money.

The Stanford affair was even more preposterous, and has harmed the dignity and integrity of cricket for a lot of people. Stanford is a successful businessman in the financial sector in the USA, and used his power and influence to create the crassly-named “Stanford Twenty20” in the West Indies in 2006. Not content with such ego massaging however, he approached the England & Wales Cricket Board (ECB) in 2008 with an offer they couldn’t refuse. For a total prize fund of $20m, Stanford arranged for England to take on a West Indies all-star team- or the Stanford Superstars to give it a more loathsome title- in a series of Twenty20 internationals. He even managed to lower the tone further by arriving at Lords- the home of cricket- in a helicopter, and flirted openly with players’ wives on the sidelines.

England, predictably, lost pretty heavily, and each missed out on a small fortune, but soon after the ECB would be left with egg on its face as Stanford was revealed as the subject of a huge-scale fraud enquiry in the USA, centring on an $8bn investment scheme. The ECB quickly severed its ties with Stanford, but the damage had been done. When football-baiters moan about the money men in operation within the game, it may be worth considering that all sports have their share of sharks.

9. What can you win?

12th September 2005 was a momentous day, and not just because it was my 21st birthday. It was the day England regained the Ashes for the first time in 18 years, as Kevin Pietersen’s inspired 158 ended Australian resistance once and for all. The fans packed inside the Oval were going wild, the TV audience had peaked at around 20m, and Pietersen, Flintoff, Vaughan et al had engrained themselves into the ranks of English heroes.

Then it was time for the presentation. Man of the series, man of the match, a word with the two captains, but then the big one. The presentation of the Ashes. Michael Vaughan laps up the applause, accepts the congratulations, then lifts the most ridiculously small trophy up to the heavens. He can just about manage to get both of his hands onto it, this ten inch wooden urn containing, it is believed, the charred remains of a cricket bail. Cricket purists will shoot me down for this statement, but it did seem to lessen the enjoyment of winning, seeing such a miniscule trophy.

Compare that to a few months earlier, another day I will remember for the rest of my life. 25th May 2005. Liverpool have beaten AC Milan in the most incredible Champions League final in history (arguably), and Steven Gerrard is preparing to lift aloft the European Cup.

Against the backdrop of red ticker tape, the delirious Gerrard hoists the huge silver cup high above his head, barely able to hold the thing. Fans of Liverpool can now have their photograph taken with the iconic trophy, which puts the Ashes urn very much in the shade. Comparing the urn with the Jules Rimet trophy, or the FA Cup, or the European Championship, or even the Community Shield, it is clear which sport has the monopoly on useful silverware.

10. The Heroes

Cricketers tend to fall into a couple of categories. The dull, uninspiring characters, and the hard-drinking mavericks. But the latter are certainly fewer and further between. In the past we had Ian Botham, David Boon, Shane Warne & Imran Khan, but beyond that what do we have in terms of inspirational figures? Nasser Hussain? Mike Atherton? David Gower? Shudder.

Footballers do get a rough deal sometimes in terms of character assessments, and the truth is sometimes it is warranted, but has cricket ever had the flawed genius characters of George Best, or Maradona, or Paul Gascoigne? Has it ever even possessed the technical immaculacy of Leo Messi, or Pelé, or Johan Cruyff? Has it ever housed the quote machines of Bill Shankly, Brian Clough or even Kevin Keegan? I think not. When you are looking for heroes, football has the market locked down.

So there you have it, football is officially better than cricket (*puts on tin hat*). I will concede that cricket does beat football in some areas; sledging is something that adds a comedic element to cricket (providing it stays within reasonable limits), and their use of video technology is something which I believe football can learn from.

But for sheer entertainment, interest and quality, there can only be one winner. The Ashes will hold my attention this summer, but only till the football starts up again.

As we move closer to the start of the season, it’s at this stage that fans start analysing the squad list, namely which players to sign and who of the current squad will be sold, and who they hope won’t be sold.

And among all the names that will flicker up briefly on transfer sites over the coming weeks, there will be some genuine quality – players to get both the fans and the board excited.

So, here then is a pick of the best of the bunch from the lower leagues: players who’ve just moved, may move soon or have come off the back of a good season. What they all have in common is they’re worth keeping an eye on in 09/10. For virtually all of the names below, they face a defining season, either after a big move, a promotion, or to prove that the past 12 months haven’t just been a flash in the pan.

This isn’t a definitive list, more of a selection of up and coming players from League 1 down (I’ve made an exception for Jake Buxton) who may well be gracing the headlines or the transfer pages in the coming months. And if there’s a starlet at your club you’d like to highlight, tell us more about him in the comments.

Jake Buxton (Derby County)

When Nigel Clough went into his first pre-season as Derby County manager it was no surprise who he returned to raid his old club for. Defender Buxton was one of the lynchpins of Burton Albion’s Conference-winning team and was named the club’s Player of the Season.

The 24-year-old is an uncompromising yet classy centre-half who was one of the standout performers in non-league last season and deserved another shot at league football after experiencing relegation with Mansfield in 2008.

Some may raise their eyebrows at the step up but, as Michael Kightly and Paul Parry have shown, if you’re good enough you can move from the Conference to the Championship. After a couple of seasons of watching poor defences, Rams fans will be hoping Buxton will do the same for them as he did for Burton.

Fabian Delph (Leeds United)

Premier League fans are likely to be familiar with Delph, although may not necessarily have seen him in action. The 19-year-old midfielder is a regular in the transfer gossip columns these days after a stunning breakout season has seen him linked with the likes of Arsenal, Fulham, Villa and Everton.

Delph was always highly rated at Elland Road and this season has shown exactly why. The teenager has pace, power and a great awareness of the game, not to mention an eye for a spectacular goal, as witnessed against Brighton this season.

Delph scooped the Young Player of the Season award for both club and League 1 and manager Simon Grayson has said it may be hard to keep hold of his young starlet. Defences in League One will be hoping he moves on to a bigger stage sooner rather than later.

Paul Jones (Exeter City)

When a promoted team’s player of the season is their goalkeeper, it’s worth betting that keeper is something special indeed. Jones is still only 22 yet has clocked up 134 first team appearances for Exeter, including keeping clean sheets at both Old Trafford and Wembley.

The tall shot stopper has come a long way from the teenager who looked nervy on crosses and struggled with his kicking. Now Jones commands his area with authority and is the starting point for many attacks.

Several Championship clubs have been rumoured to be interesting in the former Leyton Orient trainee, but Exeter will be wanting to hang onto Jones as he’ll key a key player as they plan for the new campaign in League One.

Sam Saunders (Brentford)

Brentford’s new winger has come to League One the hard way and, at 25, knows this will be a season that could make or break his career. The former QPR trainee was released from Loftus Road and ended up at Carshalton before Dagenham and Redbridge swooped four years ago.

Since then Saunders has gone from strength to strength and, having found the net seven times last season, has also added goals to his game. Indeed, Saunders’ form was one of the reasons Dagenham were in the hunt for a playoff spot last season.

The Londoner also possesses a sweet right foot that can produce a pinpoint cross and should slot in nicely to Andy Scott’s style of play at Brentford this season. Saunders has never played at this level before and will be keen to show he’s got the ability to go even further.

Steve Morison (Millwall)

It was always going to be a question of when not if Steve Morison would move to a higher level. The former Stevenage targetman has been prolific in the last two Conference seasons and netted 67 league goals in three years for Boro. Once Stevenage failed to get promotion it was clear Morison would be moving on and Millwall were the team who won the race for his signature.

Twice an FA Trophy winner with Boro, this strong powerful 25-year-old has the striker’s instinct of being in the right place at the right time and being handed the armband at Broadhall Way last season added a sense of maturity to his game.

Morison may not find League One defences quite as accommodating this season but it wouldn’t be a surprise to see one of non-league’s most deadly finishers reach double figures in a Millwall side looking for a return to the Championship.

Nicky Wroe (Torquay United)

Paul Buckle’s signed a lot of players during his short time in charge of Torquay United but Wroe is possibly the pick of the bunch. A talented, scheming midfielder, Wroe was at the heart of all things that were good about the Gulls’ play last season and, more than once, completely ran the show.

Released four years after coming through the ranks at Barnsley, Wroe’s career seemed destined to go the way of so many other footballers who’d failed to fulfil their early promise when he found himself in the Conference with York. After a year with the Minstermen, Buckle came calling and the 23-year-old hasn’t looked back.

Plenty of clubs higher up the pyramid have been casting admiring glances in Wroe’s direction but if the Gulls hang onto him he could be a not-so-secret weapons for their climb up the league.

Reuben Reid (Rotherham United)

Reid’s early career could best be summed up as troubled and nomadic. The striker may have come through the ranks at Plymouth Argyle back in 2005 but that period included five different loan spells and confrontations with managers. Finally, though, it seems the talented youngster has found a home at a club who don’t properly have one.

Since moving to South Yorkshire, Reid has knuckled down and found a level of consistency not always present in his game, and 19 goals in all competition for 08/09 has been the result. He’s already written himself into Millers folklore by scoring winning penalties against both Sheffield Wednesday and Wolves in the Carling Cup last season.

But for their points deductions, Rotherham would have been in the hunt for promotion last season. Their fans will expect a top seven finish this time around and if Reid’s form continues, he could be the man to fire them there.

Exodus Geohagon (Kettering Town)

Geohagon may posses one of the most eye-catching names, and haircuts, in non-league football but it’s his performances on the pitch that have had Championship scouts furiously taking notes on this former West Brom trainee.

A man-mountain of a central defender, Geohagon’s partnership with Guy Branston at the heart of the Poppies back line was one of the reasons Kettering adjusted quickly to life in the Conference and, providing they can keep hold of the 24-year-old, he’ll be one of the players they’ll be building their second season in the non-league top flight.

Manager Mark Cooper has said it will take a “stupid” offer to take Geohagon away from Rockingham Road but there’s more than one club in the league prepared to write large cheques and it would be a surprise if the England C international was still in the Conference next season.

Integrity; sportsmanship; pride: If there are three words that make up the foundation of the sporting world, these three would most certainly be at the top of the list. All sports are built on a drive to improve, the chance to compete against your peers, and the opportunity to build strong bonds with others. To many sports are the building block for life.

But for all those that grow and mature through sports, there are those that take the game a little too seriously. To those few the difference between winning and losing isn’t an option. So instead of trying harder and training longer they cheat. And when a cheater gets going and succeeds in pulling on over on the competition, chances are good he’ll do it again.

And again. And again.

But for every cheats there comes a day when their lies come back to bite them. For these 15 that day came maybe a little later than we would have liked, but in the end they all got what they deserved. Welcome to the biggest jokes in the sporting world better known as the 15 biggest sports cheats of all time.

15. Danny Almonte And “Age-Gate”

The US has recently paid a great deal of attention every year to the Little League World Series, thanks in large part to the wonder of ESPN’s marketing. This has created controversy with some people feeling we are placing an awful lot of pressure on a bunch of 12 year old kids, while others view the event as an American tradition only improved with the coverage ESPN provides. The story of Danny Almonte didn’t help the latter group’s case much, showing that some Little League coaches were willing to do whatever it took to win, even if it meant falsifying birth certificates and using 14 year old pitchers who could throw 70 mph (from 46 feet, the equivalent of a 92 mph fastball from a major league distance) against 12 year old competition.

Almonte became a sensation during the 2001 Little League World Series, throwing the first perfect game in LLWS history since 1957. While Almonte’s team didn’t win the tournament (rules prevented him from pitching every game), it certainly wasn’t his fault. He managed 62 strikeouts out of 72 batters faced, which became much less impressive when it turned out that the 5′8 Almonte was actually 14 years old. How did this fact come to light? Another team hired a private investigator of all things, showing that the world of Little League baseball is a hell of a lot more cutthroat than you’d expect. The resulting scandal was predictably massive, and probably more than a little overblown, but it’s still ridiculous enough to earn the 15th spot on our list.

14. 2002 Olympic Figure Skating Judge’s Scandal

Figure skating is only a sport by the loosest definitions of the word (I’d call it something akin to dinner theatre personally). This is because the judges have altogether too much say in the outcome, making the results completely subjective and subject to debate. Sports should be as conclusive as possible, that runner ran faster than the other, team A beat team B, etc. That’s what made the 2002 Olympic figure skating judge’s scandal so satisfying.

At the 2002 Winter Games, the Canadian figure skating pairs team skated a flawless program. The Russians had dominated the event for years, and it looked like they would finally lose after making a technical error during their program. But when the results were reveald the Russians won anyway, with judges from Russia, the People’s Republic of China, Poland, Ukraine, and France placing the Russians first. Judges from the United States, Canada, Germany, and Japan gave the event to the Canadians. France was the obvious odd ball in that first group, and the French judge broke down immediately under questioning, claiming that the French skating federation had pressured her to vote for the Russians regardless of what actually happened. This was a tit for tat agreement that would have seen votes come for the French ice dancing competitors competing a few days later.

The IOC went ahead and upgraded the Canadians to a gold medal, but allowed the Russians to also keep their gold medal, which should have resulted in nobody every taking figure skating seriously as a sport again. Alas, we are not so lucky, and must suffer through extensive coverage every four years.

13. Bill Belicheck’s Spying

This is one of the more recent entries on our list, so I doubt you’ll need much of a refresher to remember that Bill Belicheck was caught taping New York Jets defensive signals and fined $500,000 and a first round draft pick in the 2008 NFL draft. Belicheck won the 2007 Coach of the Year award anyway, proving that anything goes in the NFL as long as you’re winning while doing it.

12. Rosie Ruiz’s Short Journey

The marathon is a grueling event, with one of the biggest “playing fields” in all of sports, covering 26.2 miles of ground, leaving lots of opportunities for mischievousness. Rosie Ruiz is probably the most famous marathon cheat of all time. Ruiz “won” the 1980 Boston Marathon in a then record time of 2:31:56, but it was later discovered that she had simply registered for the race and then jumped out of the crowd close to the finish line.

Ruiz helped to inspire many anti-cheating techniques that are still used today in large marathons, including extensive video surveillance and RFID chips worn by all runners that monitors the times that runners arrive at various checkpoints.

11. Joe Niekro And His Famous Emory Board

Joe Niekro pitched for over two decades, maintaining impressive longevity in part by throwing the knuckleball, a pitch that is extremely easy on a pitcher’s arm. In 1987, Niekro was pitching for the Minnesota Twins when the opposing team accused him of doctoring the ball. Umpires made him empty his pockets and an emory board and a piece of sandpaper fell to the mound.

In all fairness, knuckleballers do rely on having sharp nails that can tightly grip a baseball. One could see a piece of sandpaper and an emory board helping out with that. But in all likelyhood Niekro was doctoring the ball, and he took his ten game suspension in stride. Joe’s brother Phil, who also threw the knuckleball, reportedly sent Joe a power sander with a 50 foot long extension cord making light of the incident.

10. The CCNY Point Shaving Scandal

Gambling seems to be the one unforgivable sin when it comes to athletics. If the legitimacy of a game comes into questions then fans will naturally start gravitating away from the game. If players are gambling, or helping to throw games then sport becomes no different than professional wrestling. One of the most earliest college basketball point shaving scandals involved the 1951 City College of New York basketball team. The incident was one of the earliest college basketball point shaving scandals and involved not just CCNY but six other schools including Bradley University and the University of Kentucky. The scandal entrapped over thirty players and was funded by organized crime.

Ever wonder why the NIT is the red headed stepchild of the NCAA tournament? The CCNY point shaving scandal had a lot to do with that.

9. Dora Ratjen’s Deception

Dora Ratjen was a German athlete who competed in the 1936 Olympics in the High Jump. Not much of a story really, except for one thing: Dora was actually Hermann, a man who was coerced by the Hitler Youth into tightly binding his genitals and competing against women. The German Olympic team struggled in the previous Olympic games, and so it was thought entering a man here and there on the women’s side of things might remedy the situation. But German men couldn’t even beat the women of other countries, as Ratjen finished fourth, failing to medal.

8. Ben Johnson’s Steroid Use

Steroids are much in the news of late, with Major League Baseball facing a juicing crisis, but you have to go back more than twenty years to a time when steroids really first went mainstream. The Olympics have a long history of athletes using anything they can get their hands on, but it all came to a head in the 80’s with Ben Johnson being stripped of his gold medal that he won in the 100m sprint, the glamour event of track and field. The scandal was particularly devastating for Canada, who latched onto Ben Johnson with a great deal of excitement and national pride, only to be gutted two days later when it was revealed that Johnson had been using Stanozolol, the same drug Barry Bonds has been accused of using.

7. 1919 Black Sox

The 1919 Black Sox scandal is probably the most famous example of athletes throwing a contest of all time. The 1919 World Series pitted the heavily favored Chicaco White Sox against the Cincinnati Reds. Rumors of the series being fixes were rampant even before things got underway, which caused an influx of money to come in betting for the Reds. The rumors were true, and eight members of the White Sox conspired to throw the series, led by first baseman Arnold “Chick” Gandil. All eight players were eventually banned for life, which had the effect of making Shoeless Joe Jackson, one of the greatest players in baseball history, ineligible for the Hall of Fame.

Somewhat surprising fact: The players were motivated to throw the series in part because they hated White Sox owner Charles Comiskey, a legendarily cheap SOB made their players pay for their own laundry, inevitably causing dirty uniforms and the nickname of “Black Sox” which existed well before the throwing of the World Series. So the next time you feel compelled to complain about escalating athlete salaries remember that they are helping to ensure games are fair and on the level, since there’s no monetary motivation to take a fall.

6. Tonya Harding Takes A Hit Out On Nancy Kerrigan

Ah, figure skating again, this time possibly the only event that ever truly made figure skating interesting. Tonya Harding was the 1991 US figure skating champion and only the second woman to ever land a triple axel in competition. She became just a touch more famous in 1994, when her ex-husband hit Nancy Kerrigan in the knee, leading to one of the more pathetic moments in sports history.

Incredibly, Harding still was allowed to compete in the 1994 Olympics after it was found that she had conspired with her ex-husband to attack Kerrigan. The US Olympic Committee tried to bar her from competition, but relented when she threatened legal action. She eventually received a large fine and community service for the attack, and eventually revealed herself to be a complete hillbilly, competing in female boxing, gaining a tremendous amount of weight, and releasing a sex tape that has been rumored to cause blindness.

5. Stella Walsh’s Working The System

Stella Walsh had a pretty ingenious sports hack: ambiguous genitalia! Walsh was an Olympic competitor for Poland, winning the gold in the 100m sprint in 1932, and the silver in 1936. Walsh set 18 world records in her life, but accusations that she was male dogged her for years, and she was forced to undergo a gender check at the 1936 Olympics. Which she apparently passed, despite the fact that when she was autopsied following her death it was found that she had male genitalia, along with female characteristics. Further investigation revealed that she had both an XX and an XY pair of chromosomes.

4. Spanish Paralympians Play A Mean Trick

So you thought the episode of South Park where Cartman pretends to be mentally disabled to enter the Special Olympics was fiction? Think again. The 2000 Paralympics saw the basketball team from Spain take the gold medal in the “intellectual disability” category. Carlos Ribagorda, an undercover journalist, revealed that the players on Spain’s team had not actually undergone the testing required to prove mental deficiency. It turned out that ten of the twelve players on the Spain basketball team were perfectly normal, making us really, really wish some of these games were on YouTube, just, you know, for research purposes. It wasn’t just the basketball team either, participants in table tennis, track and field, and swimming events were also not disabled, making us really wonder about Spain a little bit. Cause, come on, really? Cheating in the intellectually disabled portion of the Paralympics? I’m not sure it gets a lot worse than that.

3. Donald Crowhurst’s Ugly End

Donald Crowhurst deception carried with it some tragic consequences. Crowhurst competed in the 1968 Sunday Times Golden Globe Race, an around the world yacht race. This was a pretty terrible idea for numerous reasons, chief among them the fact that Crowhurst was an amateur sailor at best, and had never before attempted a lengthy voyage. His main reason for entering the race was to stir up some publicity for a handheld radio direction finder that allowed the user to take their bearing based on marine and aviation radio beacons.

Crowhurst decided to use a boat called a trimaran for the race, naturally a boat that was both untested at lengthy voyages and that had great trouble with capsizing (they are impossible to right once flipped). Crowhurst planned to add an inflatable buoyancy bag that would right the boat, but didn’t get around to it. No, seriously. He also left a bunch of his supplies behind in the frenzy of preparation.

Crowhurst immediately had issues with his boat and supplies upon embarking, and quickly realized he faced the choice of either continuing and more than likely dying, or quitting and facing financial devastation. He chose option three, which involved hanging around the South Atlantic for awhile and making false radio reports about his location. Based on early radio reports he had given the world assumed he was leading the race, causing runner up Nigel Tetley to push his ship to the literal breaking point. Tetley was forced to abandon ship, despite in reality being far ahead of the field. This caused Crowhurst a tremendous amount of guilt, which led him to suicide. His boat was eventually found adrift, along with a 25,000 word log book that included false logs, poems, quotations, and a long philosophical treatise on the human condition. The story has been made into numerous foreign films, and we figure it’s only a matter of time until someone in the US decides to cast Daniel Day Lewis as Crowhurst in a film that will be Oscar bait for all involved. Inevitable really.

2. Panama Lewis’ Lack of Heart

Panama Lewis might be the most despicable character in boxing’s history, which is saying something about a sport that has produced some truly disquieting individuals. The lowlight of Lewis’ career was the 1983 fight between Lewis Resto and Billy Collins Jr. in which Lewis removed most of the padding from Resto’s boxing gloves. He also soaked the tape that went on Resto’s hands in plaster of Paris, meaning Resto was basically beating Collins Jr. with a plaster cast for ten rounds. Collins Jr.’s vision was blurred after the fight, leading to depression and a death nine months later in a car accident that some believed to be a suicide. The picture above is what Collins Jr. looked like after the fight. Lewis spent a year in prison for fixing the fight, but went on to train boxers overseas.

A documentary was made about the incident in 2008 titled Cornered!.

1. The Hand of God

Easily one of the most famous plays in sports history, Diego Maradona’s goal came six minutes into the second half of the 1986 World Cup quarter-final between England and Argentina. Maradona punched the ball into the goal with his left hand, and referee Ali Bin Nasser allowed it, not having seen the penalty.

After the game and the 2-1 Argentinian victory came Maradona’s famous quote claiming that the goal was scored “un poco con la cabeza de Maradona y otro poco con la mano de Dios” (a little with the head of Maradona and a little with the hand of God). The famous photograph you see above shows that the goal was actually scored mostly with the hand of Maradona. Argentina would go on to win the 1986 World Cup, only increasing the significance of the wrongly allowed goal.

Last week, we brought you Sir Alex Ferguson’s Greatest XI. This week, we’re taking a look at the other side of the spectrum as we name Sir Alex’s Worst Manchester United XI.

To err is human, and when you’ve been in charge as long as Sir Alex has, you’re bound to make some mistakes. Maybe the highly touted youngster that you signed and developed doesn’t pan out. Maybe the high-priced import doesn’t perform according to expectations. Maybe the grizzled veteran that you signed for leadership and experience was merely over-the-hill and nearing the end.

Ultimately, it’s up to the manager to correct his mistake and move on. Sir Alex Ferguson has proven that he’s able to do that, and he continues to keep the Old Trafford trophy cabinet full of silverware. Then again, I’m sure that’s of little consolation to some of these players:

Goalkeeper: Massimo Taibi

Not all goalkeepers can be Peter Schmeichel or Edwin Van der Sar. However, most of the Manchester United goalkeepers that stood between the posts during Sir Alex’s tenure were above average players that other managers would have killed for. Tim Howard was named to the PFA Best XI during his first season at Old Trafford and also became the first American to win an F.A. Cup. Fabien Barthez was brilliant during his first season at Manchester United, almost single-handedly preventing his squad from dropping points on a number of occasions en route to the Premiership title.

Even Raimond Van der Gouw, Mark Bosnich, and Roy Carroll had their moments in a United shirt. Maybe these guys didn’t reach the heights of Schmeichel or Van der Sar, but they had good careers and contributed to the United cause. In short, they weren’t great, but they weren’t horrible.

Then there was Massimo Taibi.

Taibi came over from Venezia for £4.4 million after Schmeichel left Old Trafford following the 1998-1999 season. Accounting for inflation, he cost twice as much as Howard, almost two-and-a-half times as much as Van der Sar, and nearly seven times as much as Schmeichel. Taibi got the start against Liverpool and committed a horrendous howler that allowed Sami Hyypia to score on a free kick.

United actually won that game, thanks to two own-goals from Jamie Carragher, so Taibi escaped blame for his error. Sadly, that gaffe would pale in comparison to what happened a couple of weeks later against Southampton.

You’ve seen the video. It’s one of the most famous miscues in recent EPL history. With the score 2-1, Southampton’s Matt Le Tissier fired a tame shot on goal that Taibi seemed to have covered. As he went to ground to cover it up, however, the ball trickled through his legs and went over the line for the equalizer.

Taibi later blamed his spikes for the mistake as Southampton went on to earn a 3-3 draw at Old Trafford after Le Tissier victimized Taibi again, this time after hammering a cross past a helpless Taibi from close-range. Taibi only played one more time for Manchester United, a 5-0 drubbing at the hands of Chelsea. He had no excuses this time and “The Blind Venetian” (as he was dubbed by the press) was shipped away to Reggina after the season.

Taibi still plays to this day, and has managed to carve out a fairly long career. Nevertheless, he’ll always be remembered for those handful of starts for United.

Right Back: David May

You know why Manchester United fans love Gary Neville so much? It’s not just because of his decades of service for club and country, his strong leadership skills, or his hatred of all things Liverpool. It’s because he spared United fans from having to see David May at right-back.

A £1.2 million purchase from Blackburn Rovers, May was a natural central defender. However, with Gary Pallister and Steve Bruce firmly entrenched at centre-back, Sir Alex decided to move May to right-back. The England native was acquired, among other reasons, because of UEFA restrictions on “foreign” players at the time. However, a string of poor performances ensued, with May taking part of the blame for Manchester United’s exit from European play in the 1994-1995 season.

The other main reason for his acquisition was because it came at the expense of title rivals Blackburn Rovers. Unfortunately for Sir Alex, Blackburn edged United out for the title during May’s first season at Old Trafford. While United’s loss was hardly May’s fault, he didn’t help his cause by losing his place at right-back to Neville. Injuries soon followed, and while May turned in some solid performances at center-back over the years, he never made the kind of impact that he hoped to.

He was recently voted the 47th worst player in modern English football. That might be a tad harsh, especially for a player who ended up becoming as big of an Old Trafford fan favorite as May. Ultimately, his lasting legacy at Manchester United was as a squad player and cheerleader from the bench. He memorably jumped onto the trophy table after the 1999 Champions League Final to lead the fans in chants. He also regularly conducted his orchestra at Old Trafford, with one favorite chant going “David May, Superstar! Got more medals than Shearer!”

Center Back: Laurent Blanc

Had Laurent Blanc joined Manchester United from Auxerre in 1995, he would have stood alongside the likes of Steve Bruce, Gary Pallister, Rio Ferdinand, Jaap Stam, and Nemanja Vidic as the best central defenders in club history. Had Laurent Blanc joined Manchester United in 1997 instead of going to Marseille, he still would have earned well-deserved plaudits for being a great defender. He was a former World Cup and European Title winner with France and was voted fourth best French Footballer of all time behind Michel Platini, Zinedine Zidane, and Raymond Kopa.

Unfortunately, Laurent Blanc joined Manchester United in 2001. By then, he was well past his prime and near the end of his glorious career. Even worse, he came to Manchester United to replace Jaap Stam, the heart of Manchester United’s defense who had suddenly left Old Trafford amidst a sea of controversy. Stam, he was not, and Blanc’s intelligence, veteran know-how, and experience did not make up for his diminishing skills, especially in the fast-paced English game. Plus, he and Fabien Barthez had a weird kissing ritual that they did before every game, which was more than a little creepy.

Blanc’s woes got worse when the media observed that if you took the first letter of each of the clubs that handed Manchester United their first five losses of the 2001-2002 season, then it spelled out B-L-A-N-C (for Bolton, Liverpool, Arsenal, Newcastle, and Chelsea). They also lost to West Ham and Middlesbrough that year, but unfortunately, Blanc’s first name wasn’t William, otherwise they really could have been onto something. They lost 9 times in all that season and finished 3rd, their worst showing ever in the Premiership, and failed to win a trophy for the first time 1997-1998. Blanc may not have been the primary reason for United’s “collapse” but he sure didn’t enhance his legacy by coming to Old Trafford.

Ultimately, Blanc retired after one more season for Manchester United. He currently coaches at Bordeaux, where he’s had a lot of success. He’s coming off a Ligue 1 title and has helped resurrect the career of United flop David Bellion (see below). For that, he surely deserves praise.

Center Back: William Prunier

He only made 2 appearances for Manchester United, but that was enough to earn him a legacy of infamy at Old Trafford.

Prunier had come up through the Auxerre system with Eric Cantona, and that connection was surely on Sir Alex’s mind as he invited Prunier to Manchester United for a trial. Sir Alex had planned on using Prunier, who had played 11 seasons in France and was hardly an inexperienced ingénue, in a few reserve-side matches so that he could properly evaluate the French defender. However, an injury crisis forced Sir Alex to start Prunier at center-back for two Premiership matches at the beginning of the 1994-1995 season.

Prunier made it through his first match unscathed, but turned in a disastrous performance against Tottenham during the following week. He was widely blamed for a nightmarish defensive effort that saw the club concede 4 goals. Even though many people thought that Prunier was unfairly singled out as the scape-goat, it was telling that Sir Alex merely offered him an extended trial rather than a permanent deal.

Prunier, perhaps knowing that he had no future with the club or feeling psychologically scarred after his experience at Manchester, turned Sir Alex down and fled back to the European mainland.

Left Back: Quinton Fortune

For the record, I actually liked Quinton Fortune. Unlike some of his contemporaries, especially Kieran Richardson, Fortune had a good attitude and worked hard. He just wasn’t very good.

Fortune was a decent utility man and squad player. Roy Keane was known to be a high on Fortune and always picked him first for five-on-five training drills. Unfortunately, he had trouble staying healthy, which no doubt led to him falling out of favor at Old Trafford.

In seven years, he only made 88 appearances for the club. Ultimately, once Gabriel Heinze made the position into his own after coming over from France, Fortune was a superfluous spare part. He failed to hold down spots at Bolton and Sunderland and was last seen playing in his native South Africa for AFC Tubize.

Ultimately, his lasting legacy at Old Trafford was his indirect role in the Ronaldo/Rooney bust-up at the World Cup. According to Rooney’s autobiography, the press reports of Ronaldo winding up Rooney before the match were false. Instead, Ronaldo was merely asking Rooney about rumors that Fortune was leaving the club (rumors that turned out to be true). Whether this was accurate or merely a cover-story, it looks like Fortune may have saved the Rooney/Ronaldo partnership at Old Trafford, at least for now…

Right Midfielder: Jordi Cruyff

Sometimes, the fruit does fall far from the tree.

It’s tough enough trying to succeed in football on your own merits. Having a legendary father who was one of the greatest players in history only makes it that much tougher.

However, having a famous father also gives you advantages that other players lack. Much like how David Sammartino grew up around wrestling royalty, Barry Bonds got to have Willie Mays as a godfather, and George W. Bush had all of his father’s advisers and donors at his disposal, Jordi Cruyff benefitted from his dad’s connections. He had access to the best training facilities. He was trained and taught by some of the best minds in the game. He broke into the Barcelona squad while his dad was the manager. Most of all, he had his father’s DNA. That had to count for something, right?

Well, it sure didn’t do him much good at Manchester United. Signed for £1.4 million, Cruyff rarely played with the first team. To be fair, he faced some stiff competition for spots, both in midfield and up front. If players like Teddy Sheringham and Nicky Butt were having trouble getting into games, then Cruyff didn’t stand a chance.

However, in his four years under contract at Old Trafford, he only made 55 appearances and scored a grand total of 8 goals. He only won one winner’s medal despite being around for one of the most successful periods in United’s history. Finally, United gave up on him and sent him to Alavés, where he played well. He still didn’t make anyone forget about his father, but then again, not many players could.

Center Midfielder: Juan Sebastian Veron

I’m going to get some flak for this one, so let me explain. Sabas wasn’t nearly as bad as he gets credit for (or discredit, I guess). He displayed moments of brilliance in both the Premiership and in Europe, although the vast majority of those moments came in the latter category. He was an excellent free-kicker and scored a number of impressive goals off set-plays. He was a great shooter and gave the team an excellent attacking dimension that they had lacked for years. In fact, if you watch the creatively-edited video below, then you might think that he was one of the greatest players in Manchester United history.

However, when you take into account his price-tag (£28.1 million, still the 13th highest in history and the third highest in Man Utd history), as well as the fact that he brought disharmony to the clubhouse by destabilizing what had been one of the best midfields in Europe, Juan Sebastian Veron was a complete and unmitigated disaster.

Sir Alex Ferguson desperately wanted to win the Champions League one more time before retiring at the age of 60 (he’s currently 67) and was disillusioned with his 4-4-2 formation after watching his squad come up short in Europe in both 2000 and 2001. He decided to blow it up by adding a playmaking midfielder to combat the European defenses that had succeeded by slowing the pace and manhandling United’s four-man midfield of David Beckham, Paul Scholes, Roy Keane, and Ryan Giggs (a foursome that was so good that Nicky Butt rarely got into games unless he was a sub or there was an injury). Veron, who was widely regarded as one of the best in the world, fit the bill and came aboard in the summer of 2001 after a protracted transfer saga (one that even got significant press coverage in America).

However, Veron struggled to adapt to the face-paced game known as English football. He needed space and time to set up his passes, and those were two things in short supply in England. He played well in Europe, turning in several good performances, however he could not stop United from losing to an unheralded Bayer Leverkusen team in the semifinals. His playing style, best described as “deliberate,” made Dimitar Berbatov look like Carlos Tevez on speed, and his aversion to playing defense made Cristiano Ronaldo look the like second coming of Roy Keane. To say that he was not popular with the fans would be an understatement.

Worse, his presence on the team complicated Scholes’ role and forced him to play more as a support striker, which angered him so much that he actually refused to board the bus to a League Cup tie with Arsenal. Veron also played an indirect role in David Beckham’s departure. In 2003, Sir Alex’s decision to start an unfit Veron over a rapidly-falling-out-of-favor Beckham when Manchester United played Real Madrid in the second-leg of the Quarterfinals of the Champions League helped play a part in Beckham’s decision to leave in the offseason. Veron also left that summer, as Sir Alex sold him to Chelsea for nearly half what he paid.

Veron remains an excellent footballer, as he continues to put forth strong performances for Estudiantes. However, he also epitomizes the danger of buying someone without any prior experience in English football. If United decide not to pay Franck Ribery’s hefty fee this summer, then a major reason why will be because of its experience with Juan Sebastian Veron.

Center Midfielder: Eric Djemba-Djemba

For all the talk about United’s struggles in replacing Schmeichel, they’ve had even more trouble trying to find Roy Keane’s successor. In fact, you could argue that they still haven’t found a dominant defensive midfielder in the Keane mold, and that this was one of several reasons why they lost to Barcelona in the 2009 Champions League Final.

Djemba-Djemba was the first of many pretenders as Sir Alex bought him from Nantes for £3.5 million in 2003. He was about the same height and build as Keane, and his penchant for tough tackling and hard-nosed play made him seem like the perfect heir to the long-time United skipper. However, Djemba-Djemba was never able to establish himself at Old Trafford.

It didn’t help that there were others competing for the throne and Sir Alex seemed unable to settle on any of them, causing him to rotate Djemba-Djemba in and out of the starting lineup. Within 18 months, Djemba-Djemba was gone, having been sold to Aston Villa. He was even worse there and spent a season on loan to Burnley before moving to the place where all over-the-hill footballers go to make one last paycheck – Qatar. Unfortunately for him, he was only 26 when he made the move.

Sir Alex hinted that his on-the-pitch performance wasn’t the only reason why Djemba-Djemba failed at Manchester United. According to the Daily Mail, Djemba-Djemba lived the life of a spendthrift billionaire, even though he was hardly wealthy, even by footballing standards. He often seemed more interested in spending money than training, and he lived a life of luxury that would have made Mike Tyson and M.C. Hammer blush. He had a fleet of ten 4×4 cars, he had 30 different bank accounts, he wore expensive clothes, and he spent lavishly on his home, his family, and his friends. He was bankrupt by the time he was 26 years old and may owe more than £400,000 in English back-taxes.

It’s a shame that a player went from the penthouse to the outhouse as quickly as Djemba-Djemba did. His lasting legacy could very well be as a cautionary tale; a warning against living beyond your means as well as having unreasonable expectations forced on you. That surely wasn’t what Sir Alex or Djemba-Djemba had in mind.

Left Midfielder: Ralph Milne

Yes, Virginia. Someone did play left-wing for Manchester United before Ryan Giggs. He just didn’t play very well.

Milne was a dangerous offensive force for Dundee United, scoring 73 goals in 286 appearances for the Scottish club. Sir Alex, no doubt, remembered Milne’s prowess back when he managed Aberdeen, and hoped Milne would replicate that form for United. Milne, however, was already well past his prime, due in large part to an indifferent attitude that had driven his manager at Dundee, Jim McLean, to single Milne out as his greatest failure. In fact, when Milne got word that Sir Alex wanted to bring him to Manchester United, he thought he was being pranked.

Milne was hardly the second coming of George Best, however he was just like the United legend in one way: he was an absolute party animal. Milne, along with Norman Whiteside and Paul McGrath, was known to stay out until all hours of the night, hitting various pubs and imbibing massive quantities of alcohol. Milne’s contributions on the pitch were almost negligible, as he compiled a mere 3 goals on 23 appearances in two seasons for a goals-to-games ratio of 0.13. That may not have been higher than his usual blood-alcohol level.

Milne recently came clean about his alcohol problem and revealed that he had squandered most of his money on alcohol, women, and gambling. So, he may not have played like George Best, but he certainly did his best to live like him.

Forward: David Bellion

Sir Alex Ferguson is no stranger to being accused of breaking the rules. He was accused of tapping up Dwight Yorke while the latter was at Aston Villa. Jaap Stam wrote in his autobiography that Ferguson had approached him while the defender was still under contract to PSV Eindhoven. In those situations, it was easy to see why Ferguson may have been a little more aggressive than usual. Yorke and Stam were world-class talents that rank among the best players in United’s history.

But David Bellion?

You wonder why Sir Alex would risk exposing himself for someone like David Bellion. In 2003, Bellion came over to United from Sunderland amidst a sea of controversy. The previous season, he had disappeared during an important stretch of matches for relegation-threatened Sunderland (who were, in fact, relegated with one of the lowest point totals in Premiership history), saying that he was mentally unfit for a relegation battle as a result of family issues.

Many people thought that the real reason was that he didn’t want to get hurt because he knew Manchester United would be signing him in the offseason. In any event, Sir Alex was accused of tapping him up and paid £2 million in an out-of-court settlement (although, in fairness, Sunderland were entitled to compensation because of Bellion’s youth – we don’t know if the money was for that or for the tapping up since there was a confidentiality agreement involved in the settlement).

So, was the legal headache worth it? Hardly. Bellion’s stay at Old Trafford was a disappointment. He didn’t have many chances with the first team and, despite scoring against arch-rivals Leeds United in the League Cup, didn’t do much when he got chances to start. He went on loan to West Ham and rarely got into matches there. Finally, he left England and went back to France, first with Nice and then with Bordeaux where he’s developed into a very good player. He still might not be a world-class talent worth tapping up, but at least he’s a far cry from the player he was at Old Trafford.

Forward: Diego Forlan

To borrow a line from C & C Music Factory, here are some things to make you go “hmmm…” Manchester United acquired Diego Forlan for £6.9 million so that he could complement Ruud Van Nistelrooy up front. Forlan scored 17 goals in 96 appearances for Manchester United. By contrast, Van Nistelrooy scored 150 goals in 210 appearances for United, meaning that, at Forlan’s rate, he would need to make 848 appearances before matching Van Nistelrooy’s output in a United shirt. Ever since leaving Old Trafford in the 2004-2005 season, he’s scored a Van Nistelrooy-esque 109 goals in 205 appearances for Villarreal and Atletico Madrid. Hmm…

Assuming he isn’t on performance enhancers, either Forlan is one of those players who can’t play in England, or else he really needed a change of scenery.

To be fair, Forlan did have some success at Old Trafford. It took a while for him to get off the schnide (he went eight months before scoring his first United goal), but Forlan scored some big goals for the club. He found net in a couple of important late-season matches that helped Manchester United’s run to the 2002-2003 Premiership title. He also scored a brace against Liverpool that ensured his status as a fan favorite. However, he could never pull off a consistent run of form to satisfy his critics.

He even flubbed his goal celebration as he took off his shirt after a match-winner against Southampton and then couldn’t put it back on in time before the restart. He actually ran around bare-chested for a few seconds, leaving the commentators to wonder if they were watching a pick-up game of shirts-against-skins in the park, before officials ordered him off the pitch until he got redressed.

Forlan left Old Trafford at the beginning of the 2004-2005 season after United acquired Wayne Rooney in the offseason. He’s become one of the best strikers in the world while playing in Spain, winning the European Golden Boot in his first season at Villarreal (sharing the award with Arsenal’s Thierry Henry). He recently clinched a second Golden Boot after finishing the 2008-2009 La Liga season as the leading scorer with 32 goals. He could be returning to England this summer, so we’ll find out whether he really is a late bloomer or if his game is uniquely suited to Spain.

I hate this. Really, I do. We’re standing on the edge of the precipice now, FA Cup final done and dusted, and even the Spanish league all settled. There’s nothing keeping us from tumbling into two months without our dearest friend, the game of football.

But there is, if you look hard enough, a safety net. In fact, there are several. Here are five methods I suggest you use to cope with the close of the season. Notably, I’m excluding going shopping with the missus, getting drunk in Ibiza and watching cricket.

Cling On…

The football season is over, is it? Someone should tell our penguin-dodging friends who live by the fjords. Whilst we may be finished in all the major European footballing countries, our Scandinavian friends are just getting their seasons up and running. Thanks to the wonders of PvP streaming technology, ardent supporters of Inter Turku or Stabaek need never miss a game.

A quick visit to one of several websites to check the digital schedules, a quick download of some software and one can be, not entirely legally, watching Vikings kick lumps out of each other on a laptop whilst drinking Magners in the garden, high on melatonin and the matchday atmosphere.

Alternatively, there are still further websites out there that give instructions on how to manhandle your sattelite dish and hack your Digibox to enable you to watch the Copenhagen derby in HD on your widescreen. Only take this route if you really, really hate it when your technology is fully covered by its warranty.

Adopting a second club in the arctic also brings its own set of benefits, such as the ability to buy an obscure football shirt nobody will recognise, and a fantastic way to kill a conversation in the pub.

Support England!

There is a major international tournament happening this summer too. If you’re longing to watch England hammer penalties against the crossbar from 12 yards, tune in to the European U21 championships, being held this year by Sweden, who presumably have asked their clubs if they mind lending their stadia mid-season. England, Italy and Spain will begin as favourites, but you can never rule out the Germans. Ever. Eastern European steel is provided by Belarus and Serbia, who will play out a 0-0 draw on the 19th of June, and Finland join the hosts.

Naturally England have been drawn in the group of death, where they will face Spain, Germany and the Finns, but have faith! Whatever happens, there’s sure to be drama. It just wouldn’t be an international tournament unless the Three Lions limp out thanks to some form of controversial penalty, shoot out or not. Just ask Portugal, Russia, Romania, Holland U21, Germany…

Join Powerleague

If you’re a little more athletic than most, you may instead decide to dust off your trainers, pump up your egg-shaped football and show your four best mates just what Everton missed out on all those years ago when they chose “some kid called Wayne” over you. Selected Powerleagues are running a summertime sunday morning seven-a-side league to tide you over between pub football seasons, plus flat surface, minus blind ref and without your four worst players. Provided your hangover will allow you out of bed, that is.

Small sided games are superb cardio-vascular workouts due to the pace of the game. But remember, they’re good for both boosting your fitness over the fattening summer months, and ruining it courtesy of a horror challenge from Kebabatasary’s pieman striker. So proceed with caution, wear your shinnies, and bring a sick-bag if you have the 9am kickoff.

Coach Football to Spoiled Kids in the USA

Do you hate students? Or rich people? If so, then this option isn’t for you. If you can tolerate them, and the idea of working three hours a day, exploring the local females and getting so much sunburn you peel like an onion appeals to you, then get stuck in. You need nothing more than an FA Level 1 Coaching badge to get employed by any one of the myriad companies willing to swoop for fresh blood every summer. You don’t need coaching skills, playing ability, or even to like football. Most of the kids you’ll coach don’t know how to play the game anyway.

The drawbacks, however, are just as numerous. First, your pay is utterly diabolical, so if you’ve ever been paid for anything ever, you’ll feel like you’re being totally mugged off. Secondly, you’ll be treated like a muppet by the company you work for, and your fellow coaches will spend most of their time ignoring their children, instead competing to see who has the biggest ego. Lastly, if you so much as sneeze on a child, you can expect to be sued for the GDP of several small countries.

There’s lots of sun, though.

Hibernate

The economy is crumbling, soldiers are dying in Afghanistan and the MP for Pinner and Ruislip spent your annual tax bill on some Poplar trees to line his drive. Surely it’s time to give up caring and fall asleep for months?

Hibernation, as wonderful a concept as it is, simply isn’t natural to humans. Whilst research has been conducted in inducing hibernation, nobody has had any success with it. Whatsoever.

Would you dare be the first? How fantastic would it be to just fast forward two months? Not a care in the world. No sunburn. No annoying beach holidays. No need to move into the beer garden when it gets stuffy at the bar. Just lie down in bed on Saturday night  after the FA Cup final and wake up, bright eyed and bushy tailed, in time for the Community Shield, and having no idea who your club had signed. Torres at Chelsea! Tevez at Liverpool! Clive Mendonca at United! Imagine the surprises…

Friends, I know it’s tough, getting through to August. But together… TOGETHER… we will get there

Ben Johnston can also be read at www.inbehind.com

Follow Manchester United v Barcelona live on Soccerlens!

After months of scintillating football, tremendous goals and a fair bit of controversy too, the Champions League reaches its climax in Rome on Wednesday but who could possibly take the crown of goal of the tournament?

The ball has hit the net a total of 327 times in Europe’s premier club competition this season so there’s certainly a fair few to choose from. Well I’ve been locked away in a dark room for the past few days (well sort of) trawling the archives to pick out the very best of a quite brilliant bunch. So sit back, relax and feast your eyes on ten truly remarkable strikes that have lit up the Champions League over the past nine months.

10. Joao Moutinho vs Bayern Munich

Judging by Joao Moutinho’s rather reserved celebration, you can tell that this particular tie was already over as a contest. With Bayern 8-0 up on aggregate at the time, up steps the Portuguese international to smash home a rasper from 25-yards. A player who despite being dubbed one of the hottest prospects in European football hasn’t really lived up to the hype and has thus slipped off the radar somewhat. Although with a few more strikes like this one, David Moyes may want to open his cheque book before some of Europe’s giants start sniffing again.

9. Juninho Pernambucano vs Barcelona

It has turned into something of a cliché these days but Juninho Pernambucano really is the master of the free-kick. He’s proved it time and again against some of Europe’s top clubs and this goal against Barcelona goes even further to prove that he is the king of the dead ball situation. In fact Barca are probably getting sick of the sight of Juninho’s right boot as he’s done it to the Catalans before back in 2007 and I wouldn’t bet against him doing it to them again before he hangs up his boots.

8. Giorgos Karagounis vs Werder Bremen

It’s rare for a team to be a threat from a throw-in, unless of course you’re Stoke City. Although afford Giorgos Karagounis this sort of room and he has the ability to punish you. The beauty of this strike is that it’s clearly not just an aimless and hopeful punt at goal. Oh no, the Panathinaikos star knows exactly where the goal is as he executes a stunning volley to leave Tim Wiese stranded in the Werder Bremen goal.

7. Vincenzo Iaquinta vs Chelsea

You may be wondering how I’ve come to the conclusion that this goal merits a place in the top ten greatest goals from the Champions League this season. Well while Iaquinta doesn’t hammer the ball home from 40-yards or trick his way through an entire defence, the build-up and exquisite touches that create the space for the Italian to burst through and score are stunning to say the least. In a move involving David Trezeguet and Iaquinta himself, the two combine beautifully to leave John Terry and co trailing in their wake.

http://uk.truveo.com/Juventus-22-Chelsea-Iaquinta-goal/id/924514526

6. Lionel Messi vs Lyon

What can you possibly say to do justice to the unbelievable talent that is Lionel Messi? A terrific footballer and always a joy to watch, a statement amplified by this dribbling masterclass against Lyon. So how do you deal with Barcelona’s Argentine maestro? Well it’s a question that every opposition manager has probably mulled over for many a sleepless night. Whether you stick one, two or five men on Messi, he will inevitably still get the better of you as this goal aptly proves.

5. Fernandinho vs FC Basel

As long range free-kicks go, this one from Fernandinho is undisputedly up there with the very best you will ever see. The Shakhtar Donetsk attacking midfielder shows all the ability and guile that his Brazilian nationality demands as he belts an absolutely unstoppable effort into the net. Unfortunately Shakhtar failed to make it past the group phase of the Champions League although Fernandinho’s goal will undoubtedly still go down as one of the highlights of this season’s competition.

4. Michael Essien vs Barcelona

The game’s on a knife-edge. 0-0 after the first-leg in the Nou Camp and Barcelona and Chelsea are toying with eachother for first blood at the Bridge in the return encounter. Although with nine minutes gone cue Michael Essien to hammer home an unstoppable volley past a hapless Victor Valdes that sends the Chelsea fans bonkers. What makes it all the more special is that this is Essien’s habitually weaker side. He certainly won’t hit a better shot with his left-foot again that’s for sure.

3. Emmanuel Adebayor vs Villarreal

It wouldn’t be harsh to say that Adebayor has had something of an indifferent season this campaign. What with the spate of injuries he’s had to endure and lengthy periods of iffy form, he’s hardly set the world alight at the Emirates. Yet you have to admire the man for this piece of sensational skill against Villarreal that will help remind Gunners fans that he is still such a valuable commodity to possess. His first touch and execution of the volley in this instance was simply sublime. Who knows, his inspiration to try such an extravagant piece of skill may just have come from this man.

2. Andres Iniesta vs Chelsea

A show of hands now – how many of us were poised to see a Chelsea vs Manchester United re-run of last season’s Champions League final? I know that with stoppage time ticking away, I for one did not see Barcelona pulling off the great escape. Although you should never, ever write off the unexpected as with seconds remaining step forward Andres Iniesta to spark scenes of utter jubilation and chaos. It may not have flew in from 35-yards but the magnitude of the goal that sent Barcelona to Rome adds further merit to what already is a tremendous strike.

1. Cristiano Ronaldo vs Porto

Ronaldo himself claimed that this is the best goal he has ever scored and it’s not difficult to see why. I’d be tempted to say you’d be hard pressed to find a better strike in open play as the ball literally flies past Helton in the Porto goal. How the Portuguese superstar generates so much power with such little back lift is beyond me and from all of 40-yards too. Need we forget that the goal proved vitally important for Manchester United as they edged through to the semi-finals of the competition with that 1-0 away victory in the Estadio Dragao.

There’s nothing quite like the buzz and thrill of expectancy when your club announces a new signing. Let’s face it, it doesn’t matter if you follow a team in the lowest echelons of the Conference South or one of the European superpowers at completely the other end of the spectrum, you just can’t beat that feel-good feeling of a new recruit.

The problem is that there are invariably times when a manager’s faith in a new signing simply fails to come to fruition and we’ve certainly seen a fair few of them up and down the country this season. I can see you nodding your head now so without me blabbering on for too much longer I would like to welcome you to the not so wonderful world of the transfer flop. 2008/09 Premier League edition!

5. Deco

At £8 million it looked an inspired signing and with two goals and two assists coming in his first three matches, we were all guilty of jumping on the Deco bandwagon. It had looked like a stroke of genius from Scolari and yes I’ll be the first to admit it – I thought Deco was the man who completed Chelsea’s midfield.

Although the Portugal international’s season rapidly derailed thereafter to the point where he is rarely even considered a first-teamer at Stamford Bridge these days.

With just one goal against Bolton to add to those rousing first few displays in a Chelsea shirt, Deco has been one of the biggest disappointments of the season and I doubt he’ll be around too much longer to be given a chance to silence his critics.

4. Fabricio Coloccini

The frizzy haired former Deportivo central defender arrived in Newcastle with the weight of the world on his shoulders. Yes Coloccini would supposedly be the man to rejuvenate the Toon Army’s shoddy defence and he’s ultimately caved in under the pressure.

It would seem that Shearer can’t get rid of this £10.5million Argentine international quick enough and after a nightmarish season that has comprised of a bucket load of mistakes and an array of lacklustre defensive performances, you can’t really blame him can you?

3. Robbie Keane

What can you say about Robbie Keane and his time at Anfield? I mean was it simply Rafa’s fault for failing to play to his £20 million signing’s strengths or did Keane ultimately struggle to produce the goods when he was given a chance to impress?

You could debate what went wrong for the Irishman long into the night but at the end of the day Liverpool splashed the cash on a goal-scoring striker who was supposed to do exactly that. Score them goals. He didn’t, so that’s the fundamental reason why he’s on this list.

2. David Bentley

What on earth has happened to Bentley this season? He was supposed to be Beckham’s heir apparent on England’s right-hand-side but on the evidence of this Premier League campaign, he’d be lucky to get in the B team.

That goal aside, the £15 million signing from Blackburn has endured a frustrating start to life at White Hart Lane culminating in him having played just 18 minutes of first-team football since February.

The form of Aaron Lennon has hardly helped his cause but Spurs fans must have surely expected a whole lot more from Bentley and he could quite plausibly be the first casualty of Harry Redknapp’s summer clearout.

1. Dave Kitson

I don’t know whether Kitson failed to cope under the radiant limelight of being Stoke’s record signing but he has undoubtedly proved to be one of the only blemishes during what has been a terrific season for the Potters.

The 29-year-old failed to find the net in 16 Premier League outings this term and was quickly moved on to Reading in the January transfer window.

The good news for supporters at the Britannia Stadium? James Beattie came in and did a slightly better job for less than half the price. The bad news? Kitson looks set to return to the club this summer.