The article below is an April Fools Joke. The real story of Cristiano Ronaldo’s transfer to Madrid is here.

In the most expensive transfer in the history of professional sports, Real Madrid have committed to paying 100m for Manchester United’s Cristiano Ronaldo.

In a move that David Gill described as ‘the textbook definition of too-good-to-refuse’, Manchester United will net £100m upfront and take off around £6m / year from their bloated wage bill. If there was ever a profit to be made, the American owners have made it here.

This is all part of Manchester United’s plan to pay off their debt by 21 December 2012, and along with selling Ronaldo to Real Madrid they are also poised to sell several other players to leading European clubs.

Ronaldo will move to Real Madrid in July after the Euro 2008 championship in the summer, signing a mind-boggling deal that:

• gets him £200k / week, in basic pay
• £100k for every goal scored
• £50k for every penalty won
• £20k for every prostitute he shags that the press finds out about
• £50k for every celebrity he shags – that the press …
• Free condoms for life (Durex have jumped at the chance of sponsoring the most expensive sportsman’s shorts)

Frank Rijkaard, the next Real Madrid manager, was quick to downplay the expenses:

Ronaldo is the ultimate Galactico – the way he struts after scoring, the sheer audacity of his goals and the quality of his dribbling makes him a joy to watch, both for male and female fans.

Cristiano Ronaldo will – how do you say it – bring the sexy back to Real Madrid.

Ruud van Nistelrooy, the dutch scoring machine and former teammate of Ronaldo at Manchester United and now at Real Madrid, wasn’t worried about reigniting their feud:

I’m not too worried about Ronaldo – everyone knows that he’s here to score goals, shag the women of Spain and earn the club more money than ever. More goals and more money means bonuses for all of us, and my wife left me a long time ago, so I have nothing to be afraid of from Ronaldo.

I look forward to playing with him and hopefully we can compete together for all sorts of records at Real Madrid.

No one from Manchester United was available for official comments, although an insider had this to say:

I am happy to see Ronaldo go – back in Korea they always compare me with Cristiano, now I will be in the starting XI and show my family back home who the real star is at Manchester United. More playing time will help me find where the goal is as well, fingers crossed.

Pundits are predicting an unexpected sweep of all trophies next season for Real Madrid – surely they will be able to win the coveted Champions League trophy with Ronaldo on their side?

And in other news…

BREAKING NEWS: Manchester United to sell players and stadium to pay off £700m debt

Manchester United Sex Scandal – Ronaldo, Rooney, Anderson and Nani in US orgy

Disclaimer: April Fool! Nothing in the above news item should be considered truthful – it is all a figment of the author’s imagination. To read more April Fool stories, please visit our April Fools section on Soccerlens.

Manchester United’s fearsome four have established their reputation not only for their brilliant football but also for their sexual exploits, the likes of which have never been revealed to the mass media before.

Sources close to Wayne Rooney have revealed the grand exploits of this foursome with their conquests ranging from the top of Hollywood to the slushpile of non-humanity (and beyond).

Their most famous escapade involves an amazing sex-filled romp on a booze-filled night with two famous sisters, a baby, a Marilyn Monroe wannabe and a goat. All this happened in late 2007, when the four Manchester United stars jetted off to a secret bonding session to Miami, where they met with their *friends* in a 8-person orgy.

Cristiano Ronaldo the father of Jamie-Lynn Spears’ baby?

There have always been rumours that Casey Aldridge is NOT the father of Jamie-Lynn Spears’s baby, and for all conspiracy theorists, here’s the truth you’ve been waiting for: the real father is none other than Cristiano Ronaldo.

Ronaldo is your typical playboy and has bedded a string of celebrities and hookers across the world, including Bhipasha Bhasu, Gemma Atkinson, Evangeline Lilly and Elena Santarelli.

But Ronaldo seems to have outdone himself by adding Jamie-Lynn Spears to his hitlist in the strangest eightsome ever discussed in public.

Final confirmation can only happen with DNA testing, but our sources point to Ronaldo’s growing maturity as a player and role model as evidence of his impending fatherhood.

Wayne Rooney scores Britney Spears

Manchester United striker Wayne Rooney has been unmasked as the leader of this US expedition, a fantasy-filled whirlwind tour which climaxed with Wayne Rooney scoring with Britney Spears in what is now being called the wierdest orgy of all times.

Sources point to this moment in time as the turning point for Wayne Rooney’s career – the goals have dried up and his return from this season is embarrassing for a player of his pedigree.

No comments yet from the Spears camp on either Rooney or Ronaldo, but if the usual Britney Spears gossip is to be believed, she was too stoned to remember that night – a sharp contrast with her sister, who apparently lost her virginity to Ronaldo. As for Rooney – sources (again) claim that the star boasted after the event that no one will remember the grandma episode after this one.

And he may be right…

Anderson bags Lindsay Lohan

Anderson has built his fame with his bossing of midfield rivals Cesc Fabregas and Steven Gerrard on the pitch and has done more for the ‘fuck fuck fuck’ mating call off the pitch than any other professional sportsman today.

During their US tour, Anderson is reputed to have used the same pick up line on Lindsay Lohan, who had reported dropped by the Spears’ residence after hearing rumours about an eightsome involving a goat.

No words were spoken, but when you match repressed Brazilian urges and a sex-crazed maniac with a drug-fueled haze, it packs a powerful punch and eventually Rooney and Ronaldo had to drag a screaming Anderson away as they were getting late for their early flight back home.

Nani shags a goat

Reports suggest that Nani showboated by bouncing a ball on his head and shoulders and did several backflips before the goat would agree to participate in any sort of activity. Nani had hoped that the US would be kinder to him than the UK, but his reputation seems to have traveled ahead of him.

The actual act wasn’t witnessed any of the other 6, but Britney claims she heard an animal screaming from the other room and that she’d never heard anything like that. Of course, that was probably Anderson and Lohan, considering that the goat (and Nani) stayed in the back porch at all time, enjoying the moonlight and each other’s company.

£200m

That’s what this fearsome foursome will net Manchester United when the Glazers sell off the club’s crown jewels in a desperate attempt to balance the debt.

Soccerlens has more.

Disclaimer: April Fool! Nothing in the above news item should be considered truthful – it is all a figment of the author’s imagination. To read more April Fool stories, please visit our April Fools section on Soccerlens.

Juande Ramos has decided to splash the cash in Manchester United’s direction with Tottenham picking up a host of stars from the Manchester United firesale.

Tottenham are reported to have struck deals with United keeper Ben Foster, former Tottenham midfielder Michael Carrick as well as French internationals Louis Saha and Mikael Silvestre.

The combined deal will cost Tottenham £30m, and while some reports have suggested that Manchester United were giving Saha and Silvestre for free, we have confirmation from Tottenham that they will indeed be paying for the services of Saha and Silvestre.

The £30m will be financed from player sales, with Arsenal to pick up Paul Robinson and Newcastle United to pick up Bent, Dawson and Ghaly. Other stars are expected to be shipped out as well, although it’s harder to know at this point who will stay at Tottenham than be shipped out.

Do you think Saha and Silvestre can win a starting XI berth at Tottenham?

Also See:

Manchester United to sell players and stadium to service £700m debt
Manchester United Sex Scandal – Ronaldo, Rooney, Anderson and Nani in US orgy

Disclaimer: April Fool! Nothing in the above news item should be considered truthful – it is all a figment of the author’s imagination. To read more April Fool stories, please visit our April Fools section on Soccerlens.

Chelsea have reached an agreement with debt-ridden Manchester United to buy the England and Manchester United captain, Rio Ferdinand.

Rio Ferdinand will cost Chelsea £30m, and the amount will go some way towards helping the Glazers pay off Manchester United’s mountain of debt.

One wonders how Chelsea will make space for Ferdinand in their starting line-up, with Terry and Carvalho already present and the likes of Alex ready to step-up when needed.

Rumours suggest that Chelsea manager Avram Grant may actually experiment with 4 center-backs, with Alex at left-back and Carvalho at right-back.

We asked Chelsea manager Avram Grant this question, and this is what he had to say:

Avram Grant:

Of course, Ferdinand is a great player, a massive player. It’s easy to accommodate great players into Chelsea, that’s what we’re here for.

Why can’t we play Ferdinand, Terry, Alex and Carvalho together? Two could play in the middle, the other two as wing-backs. These guys are good enough to do that, and do you realise how strong Chelsea will be then? No one will be able to score against us.

And if we keep Drogba, I can probably drop the second striker and start Cudicini and Cech together. After that, we can play as attacking as we want to, and we’ll still win. At least we won’t lose.

No one from Manchester United was available for comment, but rumours suggest that the whole squad is in a crisis meeting trying to figure out how to sell Louis Saha and Mikael Silvestre. Good luck with that…

Also See:

Manchester United to sell players and stadium to service £700m debt
Manchester United Sex Scandal – Ronaldo, Rooney, Anderson and Nani in US orgy

Disclaimer: April Fool! Nothing in the above news item should be considered truthful – it is all a figment of the author’s imagination. To read more April Fool stories, please visit our April Fools section on Soccerlens.

Arsenal have decided to bolster their squad by splashing big for the first time under Monsieur Wenger. Backed by Alisher Usmanov’s millions, Arsenal will spend around 30m to bring Owen Hargreaves and Carlos Tevez from Manchester United to the Emirates.

Manchester United have been eager to offload their star players this summer in a bid to pay off their £700m debt, and the Glazers have struck deals with a host of clubs in the Premier League and La Liga to sell Manchester United’s finest.

Details of the Arsenal deal are sketchy, but reports suggest that both Tevez and Hargreaves will cost £10m and £20m respectively, although technically Tevez is on loan at United and the 10m will be paid just to transfer that loan over to Arsenal.

Fans will question the sanity of this agreement, but the Usmanov takeover and impending doom that his reign will bring make this the least of their problems.

Also See:

Alisher Usmanov buys Arsenal; Gunners now a softball team
Manchester United to sell players and stadium to service £700m debt
Manchester United Sex Scandal – Ronaldo, Rooney, Anderson and Nani in US orgy

Disclaimer: April Fool! Nothing in the above news item should be considered truthful – it is all a figment of the author’s imagination. To read more April Fool stories, please visit our April Fools section on Soccerlens.

In a stunning takeover, Alisher Usmanov has bought out Stan Kroenke AND the Arsenal board, giving him ownership of more than 80% of Arsenal and effectively making him the ruler of all things Arsenal.

Shocking as this news is, it might be least of worries for Arsenal fans – 2 of the most important people at Arsenal have indicated a move away from the Emirates at the end of the season.

But there is one silver lining to this – David Dein, the new chairman of Arsenal FC, has announced that the Gunners have already lined up a Premier League and Champions League winning manager to take over from Wenger.

Wenger: I’m leaving Arsenal this summer

Arsene Wenger has spoken out after the takeover, calling the board pansies and refusing to play for a Russian. His main issue seems to be with the outrageous sums of money made available to him and with it the expectation to win trophies. Wenger was said to have detested the thought of spending 20m on a proven player or of spending the 100m available to the manager for bolstering the Arsenal squad for upcoming Premier League and Champions League campaigns.

Fabregas wants Barcelona

Fabregas has turned on his new owners, saying that the only reason he had stayed at Arsenal so long was because it was a fan-owned club, and with that illusion out of the window, he had no reason to stay at Arsenal. Inside sources suggest that Fabregas is being pushed out at the behest of the incoming manager, who doesn’t rate the kid very highly. Barcelona will welcome Cesc with open arms, and I imagine so will Wenger, who might be headed there himself after Rijkaard announced his move to Real Madrid.

The Return of Jose Mourinho

Jose Mourinho is strongly rumoured to be the new manager at Arsenal – him and Sir Alex were rumoured to be the two candidates but Sir Alex has already been confirmed as the next Juventus manager, leaving the field wide open for the Master Baiter.

Jose’s first assignment will be to build a team around Robinson, Hargreaves and Tevez, the first 3 recruits earmarked by David Dein for Arsenal’s revival. There have also been reports that Mourinho will bring Ashley Cole back to Arsenal.

Gunners to play softball only

But all this is derided as a sham but one insider, who claims that the transfers and change of managers is just a smokescreen to prepare for Usmanov’s next move, which is to convert the Arsenal football team into a softball team to fulfill Usmanov’s life-long ambition of winning the World Softball Championships. Dein has already registered Arsenal as a wildcard entry in the 2010 tournament, and he will have 2 years to mould a world-beating squad. Dein is reported to have asked Thierry Henry to come back and lead the Arsenal softball team, which the Frenchman has agreed to.

Can Arsenal win the World Softball Championship in 2010?

And in other news…

Manchester United to sell players and stadium to meet £700m debt

Manchester United Sex Scandal – Ronaldo, Rooney, Anderson and Nani in US orgy

Disclaimer: April Fool! Nothing in the above news item should be considered truthful – it is all a figment of the author’s imagination. To read more April Fool stories, please visit our April Fools section on Soccerlens.

BURIED under mountains of debt and interest payments, Manchester United’s American owners have decided to cash in their star players and get rid of the club’s debt in an ambitious plan to be debt-free by 21 December 2012.

With Manchester United expected to win the Premier League second year in a row and also win the Uefa Champions League, the Glazers have decided that this is the right time to take a calculated loss and pay off a considerable portion of their debt.

While raising the £700m or so required to service the debt + interest payments is no small task, the Glazers are certain that their money-scrimping American ways coupled with naked extortion of the fans will help Manchester United debt-free and hence on the path to being the biggest, richest and most powerful football club ever ™.

Proposed fundraising activities include:

• Selling star players – such as Ronaldo, Rooney, Ferdinand, Carrick, Hargreaves, Evra, Nani and Anderson. These players will be replaced from the most promising members of the first-team / youth squad, and it is believed that Manchester United have enough depth in their ranks to survive the loss of such front-line players.
• Terminating contracts for high-maintenance, low-value OAPs such as Gary Neville, Ryan Giggs, Paul Scholes and Edwin van der Sar. Some reports suggest that the money saved on the combined wages for these players plus the star players sold above will help fund another expansion of Old Trafford to help increase stadium capacity to 100,000, thus pissing on Wembley.
• Dropkicking deadwood out of the club – yes, we’re talking of Louis Saha and Mikael Silvestre. The transfer fee from selling these players will be used to buy an Arab, a South African, an Egyptian, a Turk, an American, a Mexican, an Australian, a Canadian and even an Indian. This is all part of Manchester United’s push for globalisation and tapping new markets to – yes, you guessed it – squeeze more money out of the club.
• Pushing Sir Alex Ferguson into retirement (he’s going to win the Champions League this season, after all) and bringing Roy Keane on board. There are rumours that the reserves team might be scrapped and the money to be spent more on the scouting network in an effort to find young talent – as young as 6 years in some cases – to bring to Old Trafford. The money saved on managerial wages is to be used to setup a cheerleader squad whose main aim will be to distract referees, distract opposition players and distract opposition managers (in that order). Fans will be asked to pay for the traveling expenses of the Manchester United Cheerleaders Squad (MUCS).
• Selling 50% of Old Trafford to Manchester City owner Thaksin Shinawatra after the expansion to 100k in a unique ground-sharing bid. This will net Manchester United £300m plus the rights to the City of Manchester stadium, which they will then develop and sell off to raise another £100m.

In an exclusive interview to Soccerlens, Malcom Glazer said:

We’re working very hard to raise money to pay off the debt – in fact, I’ve even instructed players to start donating their kits back to the club instead of exchanging them or throwing them to the fans, so we can sell them on Ebay and get some money out of it. They even have instructions to grab shirts from opposition players and turn them in. To make it fun, we’ve turned it into a contest, with a United shirt earning 1 point and an opposition shirt 2 points. The 11 players with the most points at the end of the season will stay, the rest will be sold on to bring in more profits to the club.

Even the marquee players – those that come from places like China and Korea – have to play this game – but they get a 100 points for convincing a countryman to join the United youth team, just to make it a bit easy for them to win.

And it’s not just the shirts – socks, boots, shorts – they all count. Do you have any idea how much a pair of Cesc shorts goes for on Ebay? All the Arsenal fans are nuts, they pay more than the girls do for Ronaldo’s shorts!

Already United have made deals for Ronaldo, Rooney and Ferdinand, as well as arranged for Tevez’s contract to be terminated at the end of this season in exchange for a £10m payment by an unknown club. Many more players are expected to leave in this summer exodus, and the Glazers hope to make around £300m in transfer fee earnings this summer. Coupled with the potential sale of Old Trafford in 2010 (once the 100k capacity is reached) to net Manchester United another £400m, Manchester United look set to meet their debt targets by 21 December 2012, the date set by Malcolm Glazer.

Sources close to the Glazers say that if Manchester United are not debt-free by this date, it could mean the end of the world.

No comments yet on the rumours that Glazers will help the Thailand police to frame and arrest Thaksin Shinawatra in return for getting back their 50% of the stadium – all before 21 December 2012.

Potential Manchester United starting lineup (08/09)

Kuszczak, Simpson, Pique, Evans, O’Shea, Fletcher, Park, Gibson, Welbeck, Dong, Campbell

Do you think that Manchester United can win the Premier League with this squad next season?

Also See: Manchester United Sex Scandal – Ronaldo, Rooney, Anderson and Nani in US orgy

Disclaimer: April Fool! Nothing in the above news item should be considered truthful – it is all a figment of the author’s imagination. To read more April Fool stories, please visit our April Fools section on Soccerlens.

A consortium of Liverpool fans have outlined their plans for buying out Tom Hicks and George Gillett for a staggering £500m, making a fan-based takeover imminent and throwing Liverpool FC smack in the middle of a possible bidding war between the fans and DIC.

The fan-based consortium (called “We Heart Liverpool”) have promised a total turnaround to the way things will be run at Anfield – some of the highlights:

• £100m to be made available, immediately, for the manager to spend on bringing quality players to Liverpool
• Raising the proposed capacity of Stanley Park to 100,000, and hiring the best construction team from Brazil to ensure that the stadium is completed before the start of the 2010/2011 season.
• Freezing ticket prices till the proposed shift to Stanley Park
• Buying the current Everton stadium (once Everton move to Kirkby) and turning it into a Liverpool History Museum
• Giving Torres and Gerrard life-long Liverpool contracts

This will no doubt excite Liverpool fans, many of whom have grown up living under the shadows of their more illustrious rivals, Manchester United (you could also add Chelsea and Arsenal to that list…and Leeds and Blackburn, if you went by league titles). However, there are a few points of concern:

• WHL apparently want to change managers and bring in someone who has proven that he can win the Premier League. Jose Mourinho is their #1 target, although Sir Kevin Keegan is another option, seeing that his team actually had a 12-point lead over United at one time.
• WHL have also not disclosed how they have managed to amass their fortune – although reliable reports suggest that they are living off on the glory – I mean fortune – of their predecessors – in other words, inheritance.
• And perhaps most controversially, WHL also want to change the club’s name to WHL SC – We Heart Liverpool Soccer Club. They strongly feel that the benefits they will bring to the club in terms of new branding opportunities will outweigh the loss of (ancient) history and tradition.
• Their proposal mentions mammoth summer events, including a football match played on an aircraft carrier (scheduled for 2008 summer) and another to be played a mile high above the ground (2009 summer), just so they can capitalise on the WaterWorld and Mile-High Club brands.

Overall, WHL seem to be the real, if somewhat eccentric, deal. But can their money win them the trophy that they covet the most? Money can’t buy everything, as another rich, eccentric owner found out recently…

Also See::

Manchester United to sell players and stadium to pay off £700m debt

Manchester United Sex Scandal – Ronaldo, Rooney, Anderson and Nani in US orgy

Disclaimer: April Fool! Nothing in the above news item should be considered truthful – it is all a figment of the author’s imagination. To read more April Fool stories, please visit our April Fools section on Soccerlens.

Chelsea have been the most successful club in the Premier League ever since Roman Abramovich took over – 2 back-to-back titles and if the Premier League were to finish today, 3 2nd placed finishes that put them ahead of Manchester United and Arsenal in the last 5 years.

And yet this has come with a host of unpleasant side-effects:

• Everyone hates Chelsea
• They play boring football, and like a certain national team, not even Wenger could get them to play better
• Mourinho’s reign destroyed Chelsea’s reputation
• They have been embarrassed by Liverpool in Europe, and Manchester United in the Premier League
• Abramovich has lost hundreds of millions of pounds in just subsidising Chelsea’s financial losses in the last 5 years

So what next for Abramovich? A chilling bit of news coming out of Moscow suggests that unless Chelsea reach the final on 21st May and win the Champions League, Roman Abramovich will sell Chelsea to the highest bidder in the summer, pack his bags and go back to Russia.

Money-spinning ventures, such as hawking his stars to Bollywood and bribing the FA to have Terry made England captain have failed, although Abramovich still blames Mourinho’s mother for casting a curse on the club after Abramovich sacked the Portuguese.

Abramovich reportedly explored other options, but many US-based billionaires turned down the chance to buy Chelsea. A fan-based venture was also mooted, until someone pointed out to Roman that Chelsea’s fans couldn’t raise £1m, let alone the £1b that he was asking for.

When approached for a quote, Mr Abramovich had this to say:

Screw you guys, I’m going home.

Will Chelsea win the Champions League? Will that stop Abramovich for selling Chelsea for peanuts? Will Bates make a return as Chelsea chairman?

Also See::

Manchester United to sell players and stadium to pay off £700m debt
Manchester United Sex Scandal – Ronaldo, Rooney, Anderson and Nani in US orgy

Disclaimer: April Fool! Nothing in the above news item should be considered truthful – it is all a figment of the author’s imagination. To read more April Fool stories, please visit our April Fools section on Soccerlens.

The Premier League have slapped a 20 point penalty on Newcastle United, condemning them to certain relegation this season.

The huge penalty leaves Newcastle United with a paltry 15 points in the season, ahead of Derby but well behind the likes of Bolton, Fulham and Birmingham, and with 6 games to go, Newcastle look certain to be sucked into and destroyed by the cruel vortex that is the relegation battle.

The reasons for this penalty are not clear – insider sources have claimed that it has to do with financial irregularities in Mike Ashley’s takeover, although the Premier League itself has maintained a different tune all along.

Richard Scudamore:

It is with great sorrow that we have decided to penalise Newcastle United – I want to assure all Geordie fans that this is in their best interests, and in the best interests of their club.

I love Newcastle, but I cannot bear the weight of false expectations and neither should the fans. Even the Queen called me up last month, asking me to look at the Newcastle situation and figure out a solution.

After lengthy discussions with my psychologist and also the chairmen of financially responsible clubs like Leeds, Chelsea, Sunderland and Manchester United, we have decided that the best way for Newcastle United to actually live up to the expectations of their fans is to bring down those expectations to way, way, way below the minimum.

Hence we have penalised Newcastle with a 20 point penalty, with a view that they will get relegated this season. If the situation does not improve next year with the fans, I have instructed the Football League to impose a further 50-point penalty on Newcastle to send them to League One.

We will keep relegating Newcastle until their fans learn their lesson – that their club is nowhere near as good as they think, and neither is their manager.

Shocking, I know. Of course, knowing Geordies, they will probably just get Shearer on-board and come right back up to the Premier League, go on a dream run, then throw away a 12 point lead and fail miserably.

But at least they’ll have the satisfaction of winning a couple of league titles, even if it’s just in the Football League.

Also See::

Manchester United to sell players and stadium to pay off £700m debt
Manchester United Sex Scandal – Ronaldo, Rooney, Anderson and Nani in US orgy

Disclaimer: April Fool! Nothing in the above news item should be considered truthful – it is all a figment of the author’s imagination. To read more April Fool stories, please visit our April Fools section on Soccerlens.