Liverpool have declared their independence as a separate and sovereign nation, electing King Kenny as their first leader. Liverpool will also breakaway from the English Premier League with immediate effect to form their own Liverpool Premier League, where they, as the only members, will be guaranteed silverware each season.

Liverpool’s declaration of independence has come as a major surprise to rival clan Everton, whose fans are now deeply regretting their decision to oppose the board’s proposal to move to a stadium outside Liverpool a couple of years ago. As things stand, Liverpool are likely to refuse that Everton exist and simply play with themselves and call themselves the champions. As a Liverpool fan told us, ‘you’ll never wa*k alone’.

Liverpool FC have applied to UEFA to be included in the UEFA Champions League as their new nation’s champions. However, this looks to be in doubt as they are still involved in the Premier League this season and are currently behind Everton in the league table and could finish below their local rivals at the end of the season, meaning that Liverpool, long champions of their own home, would be second-bested by a team they’ve refused to acknowledge as a big club.

Yes, Everton could be champions of Liverpool, but King Kenny is hoping this new move will ensure that his team win all their remaining matches this season (as they’re playing only themselves) and Everton, being Everton, would drop points thus gifting Liverpool the first ever Liverpool Premier League title.

An as insider source exclusively revealed, Liverpool’s declaration of independence was prompted by genuine concerns at the board level that Everton would finish ahead of them in the Premier League, something that the USA-based owners, the kit sponsors and the kit manufacturers could not handle. Liverpool’s independence allows the club to win the league title each season and qualify for the Champions League each season, thus satisfying their fans but most importantly their owners and sponsors.

And as King Kenny was heard to say, “if we can win the title each season we might be able to overtake those Mancunian bastards after all”.

Our insider source also spoke about a potential points penalty being applied to Everton unless they a) moved out of Liverpool, b) refused to show up in the FA Cup semi-final and c) lost enough games to make it mathematically impossible for them to finish above Liverpool on points. Failure to comply, the source said, would lead to Liverpool employing the nuclear option – bar Everton from playing in the Liverpool Premier League.

This is a bold move by King Kenny – and one that is guaranteed to bring success to Liverpool. In fact, you could say that despite the lack of points this season, this really is Liverpool’s year.

You shouldn’t believe everything you read on the Internet. If you liked this ‘news’, check out all the ‘football news’ here.

From Soccerlens.com - Football News

Premier League referees – backed by Liverpool, Tottenham and Manchester City – have launched a scathing attack on Manchester United, claiming that Sir Alex Ferguson was single-handedly responsible for the unbelievable amounts of abuse referees are subjected to in English football and that they were now on a warpath against United, and would not rest until the club was duly punished.

This vehement attack on United is unlikely to bother the Manchester club who have always felt that referees favor their rivals in an attempt to ‘get in the news’ and the club will also point to the penalty awards against them as well as the penalty awards for their rivals as chief evidence that they have more of a reason to complain.

United have also reportedly asked why they were being targeted when other clubs have been at the forefront of questioning referee integrity all season with suggestions of collusion with United, and that these suggestions have been ongoing for more than a decade and have been perpetuated by members of the press and illogical fans, who don’t understand that there are no penalties possible at Old Trafford.

There was no spokesperson available for comment, as individually the referees are still very scared of Alex Ferguson, but several anonymous posts on Twitter have popped up, promising, amongst other things: ‘no offsides against United’, ‘red card to Rooney for being ugly’, ‘no subs allowed for United after the 1st minute’ and ‘no, I did not see that foul.’

United officials are keeping quiet on the matter but have internally braced the club for an outpouring of anti-United sentiment as the club close in on a record 20th league title, only to find the referees ganging up against them.

As Manchester United chase a scarcely believable 5th league title in 6 years, it seems that the men in black are out to stop them. It won’t stop United from winning, but it does give Ferguson an excuse to tell the referees what he really things about them.

You shouldn’t believe everything you read on the Internet. If you liked this ‘news’, check out all the ‘football news’ here.

From Soccerlens.com - Football News

BREAKING NEWS: Today’s news is completely broken. Tottenham have taken the bold step of announcing that Harry Redknapp will be England manager for Euro 2012. The move comes as a surprise because while many people (all of Harry’s friends in the press) were certain that Redknapp would get the England callup, the FA has been quiet about the whole affair.

Tottenham believe that by announcing the news before the FA, they hold the strongest position. If Redknapp is indeed going to go with England for the Euros, the announcement will galvanise Tottenham’s usually lazy English players, all of whom will be hoping for a ticket to the Polish nightlife. If Defoe and co can tune up their act, Tottenham might be able to hang on to third place and qualify for the Champions League next season.

On the other hand, if the FA don’t want Redknapp, or vice versa, this announcement would force both parties to accept or deny the arrangement. And if Redknapp is not part of the FA’s plans for Euro 2012, he can then focus on how to make more money playing real-life Football Manager at Tottenham, and the club are happy to indulge him if it means they keep making a profit by selling high and buying low.

Win-win for Spurs. As the posters say – the country needs Harry Redknapp to decide his future once and for all – so we can get on with more important things, like wondering which referee is on Manchester United’s payroll (hint: there’s no wrong answer, they all are).

You shouldn’t believe everything you read on the Internet. If you liked this ‘news’, check out all the ‘football news’ here.

From Soccerlens.com - Football News

Plans leaked from Wenger’s mobile phone (which also contained some tasty photos that we’re never going to share – respect, Monsieur Wenger, respect) reveal Arsenal’s secret plans to outsmart their rival football clubs – by creating test-tube footballers using the finest possible footballer DNA collected over the last decade.

Arsene Wenger’s Arsenal project is nearing fruition as he prepares to unleash his first batch of test-tube footballers to the Under-5s clubs around London. Wenger has taking DNA samples from some of the best footballers in the world – Dennis Bergkamp, Thierry Henry, Cesc Fabregas, Jens Lehmann, Robin van Persie, Jack Wilshere and Nicklas Bendtner – to create the perfect footballer(s).

The revealed plans also show that Arsenal had previously attempted to create test-tube footballers right after their Invincibles season but the first batch – dubbed the Patrick Vieira batch – only produced crybabies. But after several botched attempts that have severely delayed Arsenal’s progress on the pitch in the last 6 years, it seems that Wenger is now ready to start producing the test-tube footballers (nicknamed ‘Gunner in a bottle’) to

Extreme care has been taken to blend the best talents of great Arsenal players together to create the perfect footballer. However, while Wenger is confident that his test (tubes) will succeed, everyone else is not so certain.

It’s reported that at least one major Arsenal shareholder believes that these bottled Gunners will display are equally likely to display the worst characteristics of the players whose DNA was chosen – meaning that they could be as injury prone as RVP, as self-absorbed as Bendtner, as infuriatingly talented but going missing in big games as Henry, a little crazy, like Lehmann and homesick like Fabregas. This shareholder has also said that Arsenal should have just bought Mario Balotelli, but given that test-tubes are cheaper, it does make sense to make your own crazy footballers.

And if all else fails, Wenger can sell them at £1m / pop and with the supply almost limitless, they can use this to pay off their debts while waiting for Wenger to find the right formula.

You shouldn’t believe everything you read on the Internet. If you liked this ‘news’, check out all the ‘football news’ here.

From Soccerlens.com - Football News

Secret plans recovered from incinerators next to White Hart Lane (allegedly used by Tottenham to destroy incriminating evidence against Harry Redknapp) have revealed an incredibly risky and left-field strategy for Tottenham winning the Premier League next season.

With this season down the toilet thanks to Harry’s romance with the English press, Tottenham have put all their eggs in next season’s basket and appear to have made extensive plans to sneak the title away from their London and Manchester rivals.

Tottenham plan to sabotage the title chances of their rivals by deviously selling and buying players from other clubs. The club seem to be extremely impressed with Newcastle’s success in selling high and buying low but have plans to improve on it by buying more ‘English’ players to counteract any mental weaknesses that foreign players might bring to the squad.

The board is clearly unhappy with how Bale and Modric repeatedly play like shit when there’s a transfer story doing the rounds, and even playing them in new positions to simulate their moves to other clubs has failed to spark them back into life. Tottenham are now ready to sell Bale and Modric to the highest bidders, ensuring that Chelsea and Manchester City buy players they don’t need at prices they really shouldn’t be paying.

From that money Tottenham plan to buy the best young ‘English’ players from the Arsenal and Liverpool youth teams, luring them with the promise of first team football, signing on bonuses and the promise of a big pay day when they get sold to a bigger club.

This weakening of their rivals will ensure – according to Tottenham – that they have the best possible team ready to take advantage of the others faltering as they don’t know what to do with expensive players they don’t want (Chelsea / Man City), or when their best players leave them again (Arsenal / Liverpool).

However, this isn’t the most explosive part of the plan. That part has to do with Manchester United, the ultimate English football baddie and the world’s best ‘worst United team ever’.

Even writing this gives me the shivers, so brilliant this plan is. Tottenham plan to buy all the referees from United this summer, hoping that with the referees on their side they can finally beat Manchester United. At the very least they can cripple United by giving a penalty against them in every game, or refusing to send Paul Scholes off so opposition players can run circles around him.

Tottenham have hit the proverbial glass ceiling as a football club, but this heist of the century could see them established as a top force in English football for years to come, like Leeds United and Blackburn before them.

But will Harry Redknapp be around to lead this charge? Find out more about Harry’s future as Tottenham manager later today, here on Soccerlens.com.

You shouldn’t believe everything you read on the Internet. If you liked this ‘news’, check out all the ‘football news’ here.

From Soccerlens.com - Football News

Roman Abramovich Chelsea have appointed John Terry as player manager with immediate effect, with the board highlighting his fantastic team talks and tactical input from the sidelines as the core reasons for making this decision.

The Chelsea FC official website read: “We welcome John Terry to formally assume the role of Chelsea manager and to lead Chelsea right back to the top of the pile. We know that Terry has always given his best for Chelsea FC and it his leadership that has held the club together through the tough times. And on a serious note, he keeps chasing the managers away and we can’t keep paying them off forever. So we gave it to him. He can either win or hopefully go to jail for being racist, giving us an excuse to sack him and demand our money back, like we did with Mutu.”

John Terry was quick to appoint Frank Lampard as assistant player-manager, with Petr Cech and Didier Drogba also handed coaching roles. Terry also announced that Fernando Torres will be training the academy players (“If he can score more goals against the kids maybe he can get his confidence back”) and that Ashley Cole will be the official team bus driver (“Anyone who can stay on the road when being offered less money than promised is someone you can bet your life on”).

Terry’s first match in charge of Chelsea – officially – will be their home Champions League quarter-final at home against Benfica on Wednesday. And if he can lead Chelsea to the Champions League semi-final, he will be well on his way towards being Chelsea’s greatest manager ever. Indeed, Terry spoke about his Champions League ambitions and how “he wants to win the Champions League title for Roman and the fans. I can assure you that this time, no referees or sulking players can stop us from winning the Champions League. There will be no slip-ups!”

There’s no word yet on how Roberto Di Matteo has reacted to the news, as Terry admitted that he hadn’t told him yet but “when I do let him know I’m sure he’ll handle it better than AVB”. At this point the Chelsea press officer stepped in to announce that the press conference was over.

So this is Chelsea’s season, although no one seems to have told the players that.

You shouldn’t believe everything you read on the Internet. If you liked this ‘news’, check out all the ‘football news’ here.

From Soccerlens.com - Football News

Manchester City’s owners completed their takeover of Barclays Bank this morning and immediately set about ringing some changes that will shake the very foundations of English football.

Sheikh Mansour’s first order of business was to instruct the Premier League – sponsored by Barclays – to deduct a mind-boggling 100 points from Manchester United for ‘failing to lose with a really crap team’. A leaked copy of the memo confirmed that the Sheikh was especially angry at Manchester United for fielding the ‘worst United team in years’ and still being ahead of the world’s most expensively assembled football team.

With City only being able to draw against Sunderland at home (despite the referee’s intervention at the end of the first half), Manchester City have hit the panic button as they see United running away with the league title. City have bet everything on winning the league title this season and it seems that they will leave no oil barrel empty in their quest to snatch the title from Ferguson’s grubby hands.

Our source – speaking in hushed tones from a bathroom stall as Premier League club owners fumbled about outside doing ‘business’ – spoke about secret ‘bonuses’ being paid to Premier League clubs for agreeing to deduct United points. Premier League clubs can also expect to be paid 8 figure sums for losing to City twice a season, starting in 2012/2013.

For Manchester United, the 100 point deduction means certain relegation, and the financial burden of their debt could very well mean the club could go bust – a doomsday scenario that had the City fans pinching themselves until they bled (red, if you have to know).

However, there is still one twist in the tail as certain teams have refused to sign the agreement as they hold out for more money, preferring to wait as long as possible to extract the best possible value from City. Since City usually do end up paying full price, the top clubs are demanding a premium price for their integrity.

Negotiations could last till the last day of the Premier League, by which time Manchester United could have been crowned league champions. But if City can’t win the title on the pitch, they’re certainly doing their best to win the title off it.

You shouldn’t believe everything you read on the Internet. If you liked this ‘news’, check out all the ‘football news’ here.

From Soccerlens.com - Football News

In order to avoid a repeat of the media circus surrounding the issue of the England captaincy, Fabio Capello has pre-emptively named his next captain for the World Cup qualifier against Switzerland on June 4^th.

In the presence of the assembled media, the Italian schemer revealed with trademark clarity: “I choose new captain for game after next game. Much considered. I select Gareth. Strong player, quick in the brain. Confidence that old age will be no issue.” When a puzzled Chris Etheridge of the Sunday Times pointed out that Manchester City midfielder Barry was barely thirty years old, Capello replied: “Barry? Who is Barry? No. I talk about Wycombe winger. Ainsworth is, as you English say, no spring chicken, but is good choice.”

Ainsworth, who turns thirty-eight this May, was understandably delighted, saying: “Hopefully I can keep the captaincy for at least an entire half. After that, who knows?” It is thought that Capello will rotate the armband on a game-by-game basis in order to stamp out the immoral debauchery and controversy that a prolonged captaincy can bring to a player’s personal life. To make such rotation possible, the Italian stated that he would “make captain all players in Football League by the time contract runs out in 2012.”

When asked if Gerrard, Terry and Ferdinand still had a look-in for the captaincy in the future, Mr. Capello said: “Anthony, yes. Paul, yes. Anton…why not. Also yes.” Players believed to be on Capello’s short-term shortlist include Russell Hoult, Clarke Carlisle, Jack Lester, Kenny Lunt and even Robbie Fowler, who may yet be coaxed out of international retirement.

Public and pundit reaction to the ex-Real Madrid coach’s latest scheme has been largely critical. Former England captain and crisp connoisseur Gary Lineker blasted: “There used to be a time when the captain’s armband really meant something. Now, I wouldn’t even wipe my backside with it. Unless Italia ’90 repeated itself. But that’s a mitigating circumstance.” FA Director of Football Development Trevor Brooking was more positive about the new itinerary nature of the captaincy: “This way, there’s no squabbling, in-fighting or jealousy, as everyone knows that they’ll get their turn.”

When asked why vice-captain Steven Gerrard was contacted about the latest captaincy handover and not incumbent captain John Terry, Capello fired back: “I talk to vice-captain because he is vice-captain. I not talk to captain because he is captain no more. It is like shoe and plimsoll. I wear shoe on my foot because it is shoe. I do not wear plimsoll because it is out of season. It hurt my toes. It is useless and smelly and I no care.”

This article constitutes satire. Despite the use of real footballers, the events discussed within the article are humorously fictional, and should not be taken deadly seriously.

From Soccerlens.com - Football News

The article below is an April Fools Joke. The real story of Cristiano Ronaldo’s transfer to Madrid is here.

In the most expensive transfer in the history of professional sports, Real Madrid have committed to paying 100m for Manchester United’s Cristiano Ronaldo.

In a move that David Gill described as ‘the textbook definition of too-good-to-refuse’, Manchester United will net £100m upfront and take off around £6m / year from their bloated wage bill. If there was ever a profit to be made, the American owners have made it here.

This is all part of Manchester United’s plan to pay off their debt by 21 December 2012, and along with selling Ronaldo to Real Madrid they are also poised to sell several other players to leading European clubs.

Ronaldo will move to Real Madrid in July after the Euro 2008 championship in the summer, signing a mind-boggling deal that:

• gets him £200k / week, in basic pay
• £100k for every goal scored
• £50k for every penalty won
• £20k for every prostitute he shags that the press finds out about
• £50k for every celebrity he shags – that the press …
• Free condoms for life (Durex have jumped at the chance of sponsoring the most expensive sportsman’s shorts)

Frank Rijkaard, the next Real Madrid manager, was quick to downplay the expenses:

Ronaldo is the ultimate Galactico – the way he struts after scoring, the sheer audacity of his goals and the quality of his dribbling makes him a joy to watch, both for male and female fans.

Cristiano Ronaldo will – how do you say it – bring the sexy back to Real Madrid.

Ruud van Nistelrooy, the dutch scoring machine and former teammate of Ronaldo at Manchester United and now at Real Madrid, wasn’t worried about reigniting their feud:

I’m not too worried about Ronaldo – everyone knows that he’s here to score goals, shag the women of Spain and earn the club more money than ever. More goals and more money means bonuses for all of us, and my wife left me a long time ago, so I have nothing to be afraid of from Ronaldo.

I look forward to playing with him and hopefully we can compete together for all sorts of records at Real Madrid.

No one from Manchester United was available for official comments, although an insider had this to say:

I am happy to see Ronaldo go – back in Korea they always compare me with Cristiano, now I will be in the starting XI and show my family back home who the real star is at Manchester United. More playing time will help me find where the goal is as well, fingers crossed.

Pundits are predicting an unexpected sweep of all trophies next season for Real Madrid – surely they will be able to win the coveted Champions League trophy with Ronaldo on their side?

And in other news…

BREAKING NEWS: Manchester United to sell players and stadium to pay off £700m debt

Manchester United Sex Scandal – Ronaldo, Rooney, Anderson and Nani in US orgy

Disclaimer: April Fool! Nothing in the above news item should be considered truthful – it is all a figment of the author’s imagination. To read more April Fool stories, please visit our April Fools section on Soccerlens.

From Soccerlens.com - Football News

Manchester United’s fearsome four have established their reputation not only for their brilliant football but also for their sexual exploits, the likes of which have never been revealed to the mass media before.

Sources close to Wayne Rooney have revealed the grand exploits of this foursome with their conquests ranging from the top of Hollywood to the slushpile of non-humanity (and beyond).

Their most famous escapade involves an amazing sex-filled romp on a booze-filled night with two famous sisters, a baby, a Marilyn Monroe wannabe and a goat. All this happened in late 2007, when the four Manchester United stars jetted off to a secret bonding session to Miami, where they met with their *friends* in a 8-person orgy.

Cristiano Ronaldo the father of Jamie-Lynn Spears’ baby?

There have always been rumours that Casey Aldridge is NOT the father of Jamie-Lynn Spears’s baby, and for all conspiracy theorists, here’s the truth you’ve been waiting for: the real father is none other than Cristiano Ronaldo.

Ronaldo is your typical playboy and has bedded a string of celebrities and hookers across the world, including Bhipasha Bhasu, Gemma Atkinson, Evangeline Lilly and Elena Santarelli.

But Ronaldo seems to have outdone himself by adding Jamie-Lynn Spears to his hitlist in the strangest eightsome ever discussed in public.

Final confirmation can only happen with DNA testing, but our sources point to Ronaldo’s growing maturity as a player and role model as evidence of his impending fatherhood.

Wayne Rooney scores Britney Spears

Manchester United striker Wayne Rooney has been unmasked as the leader of this US expedition, a fantasy-filled whirlwind tour which climaxed with Wayne Rooney scoring with Britney Spears in what is now being called the wierdest orgy of all times.

Sources point to this moment in time as the turning point for Wayne Rooney’s career – the goals have dried up and his return from this season is embarrassing for a player of his pedigree.

No comments yet from the Spears camp on either Rooney or Ronaldo, but if the usual Britney Spears gossip is to be believed, she was too stoned to remember that night – a sharp contrast with her sister, who apparently lost her virginity to Ronaldo. As for Rooney – sources (again) claim that the star boasted after the event that no one will remember the grandma episode after this one.

And he may be right…

Anderson bags Lindsay Lohan

Anderson has built his fame with his bossing of midfield rivals Cesc Fabregas and Steven Gerrard on the pitch and has done more for the ‘fuck fuck fuck’ mating call off the pitch than any other professional sportsman today.

During their US tour, Anderson is reputed to have used the same pick up line on Lindsay Lohan, who had reported dropped by the Spears’ residence after hearing rumours about an eightsome involving a goat.

No words were spoken, but when you match repressed Brazilian urges and a sex-crazed maniac with a drug-fueled haze, it packs a powerful punch and eventually Rooney and Ronaldo had to drag a screaming Anderson away as they were getting late for their early flight back home.

Nani shags a goat

Reports suggest that Nani showboated by bouncing a ball on his head and shoulders and did several backflips before the goat would agree to participate in any sort of activity. Nani had hoped that the US would be kinder to him than the UK, but his reputation seems to have traveled ahead of him.

The actual act wasn’t witnessed any of the other 6, but Britney claims she heard an animal screaming from the other room and that she’d never heard anything like that. Of course, that was probably Anderson and Lohan, considering that the goat (and Nani) stayed in the back porch at all time, enjoying the moonlight and each other’s company.

£200m

That’s what this fearsome foursome will net Manchester United when the Glazers sell off the club’s crown jewels in a desperate attempt to balance the debt.

Soccerlens has more.

Disclaimer: April Fool! Nothing in the above news item should be considered truthful – it is all a figment of the author’s imagination. To read more April Fool stories, please visit our April Fools section on Soccerlens.

From Soccerlens.com - Football News