April Fools Day News Archives

In the most expensive transfer in the history of professional sports, Real Madrid have committed to paying 100m for Manchester United’s Cristiano Ronaldo.

In a move that David Gill described as ‘the textbook definition of too-good-to-refuse’, Manchester United will net £100m upfront and take off around £6m / year from their bloated wage bill. If there was ever a profit to be made, the American owners have made it here.

This is all part of Manchester United’s plan to pay off their debt by 21 December 2012, and along with selling Ronaldo to Real Madrid they are also poised to sell several other players to leading European clubs.

Ronaldo will move to Real Madrid in July after the Euro 2008 championship in the summer, signing a mind-boggling deal that:

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Manchester United’s fearsome four have established their reputation not only for their brilliant football but also for their sexual exploits, the likes of which have never been revealed to the mass media before.

Sources close to Wayne Rooney have revealed the grand exploits of this foursome with their conquests ranging from the top of Hollywood to the slushpile of non-humanity (and beyond).

Their most famous escapade involves an amazing sex-filled romp on a booze-filled night with two famous sisters, a baby, a Marilyn Monroe wannabe and a goat. All this happened in late 2007, when the four Manchester United stars jetted off to a secret bonding session to Miami, where they met with their *friends* in a 8-person orgy.

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Juande Ramos has decided to splash the cash in Manchester United’s direction with Tottenham picking up a host of stars from the Manchester United firesale.

Tottenham are reported to have struck deals with United keeper Ben Foster, former Tottenham midfielder Michael Carrick as well as French internationals Louis Saha and Mikael Silvestre.

The combined deal will cost Tottenham £30m, and while some reports have suggested that Manchester United were giving Saha and Silvestre for free, we have confirmation from Tottenham that they will indeed be paying for the services of Saha and Silvestre.

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Chelsea have reached an agreement with debt-ridden Manchester United to buy the England and Manchester United captain, Rio Ferdinand.

Rio Ferdinand will cost Chelsea £30m, and the amount will go some way towards helping the Glazers pay off Manchester United’s mountain of debt.

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Arsenal have decided to bolster their squad by splashing big for the first time under Monsieur Wenger. Backed by Alisher Usmanov’s millions, Arsenal will spend around 30m to bring Owen Hargreaves and Carlos Tevez from Manchester United to the Emirates.

Manchester United have been eager to offload their star players this summer in a bid to pay off their £700m debt, and the Glazers have struck deals with a host of clubs in the Premier League and La Liga to sell Manchester United’s finest.

Details of the Arsenal deal are sketchy, but reports suggest that both Tevez and Hargreaves will cost £10m and £20m respectively, although technically Tevez is on loan at United and the 10m will be paid just to transfer that loan over to Arsenal.

Fans will question the sanity of this agreement, but the Usmanov takeover and impending doom that his reign will bring make this the least of their problems.

Also See:

Alisher Usmanov buys Arsenal; Gunners now a softball team
Manchester United to sell players and stadium to service £700m debt
Manchester United Sex Scandal - Ronaldo, Rooney, Anderson and Nani in US orgy

Disclaimer: April Fool! Nothing in the above news item should be considered truthful - it is all a figment of the author’s imagination. To read more April Fool stories, please visit our April Fools section on Soccerlens.

In a stunning takeover, Alisher Usmanov has bought out Stan Kroenke AND the Arsenal board, giving him ownership of more than 80% of Arsenal and effectively making him the ruler of all things Arsenal.

Shocking as this news is, it might be least of worries for Arsenal fans - 2 of the most important people at Arsenal have indicated a move away from the Emirates at the end of the season.

But there is one silver lining to this - David Dein, the new chairman of Arsenal FC, has announced that the Gunners have already lined up a Premier League and Champions League winning manager to take over from Wenger.

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BURIED under mountains of debt and interest payments, Manchester United’s American owners have decided to cash in their star players and get rid of the club’s debt in an ambitious plan to be debt-free by 21 December 2012.

With Manchester United expected to win the Premier League second year in a row and also win the Uefa Champions League, the Glazers have decided that this is the right time to take a calculated loss and pay off a considerable portion of their debt.

While raising the £700m or so required to service the debt + interest payments is no small task, the Glazers are certain that their money-scrimping American ways coupled with naked extortion of the fans will help Manchester United debt-free and hence on the path to being the biggest, richest and most powerful football club ever ™.

Proposed fundraising activities include:

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A consortium of Liverpool fans have outlined their plans for buying out Tom Hicks and George Gillett for a staggering £500m, making a fan-based takeover imminent and throwing Liverpool FC smack in the middle of a possible bidding war between the fans and DIC.

The fan-based consortium (called “We Heart Liverpool”) have promised a total turnaround to the way things will be run at Anfield - some of the highlights:

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Chelsea have been the most successful club in the Premier League ever since Roman Abramovich took over - 2 back-to-back titles and if the Premier League were to finish today, 3 2nd placed finishes that put them ahead of Manchester United and Arsenal in the last 5 years.

And yet this has come with a host of unpleasant side-effects:

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The Premier League have slapped a 20 point penalty on Newcastle United, condemning them to certain relegation this season.

The huge penalty leaves Newcastle United with a paltry 15 points in the season, ahead of Derby but well behind the likes of Bolton, Fulham and Birmingham, and with 6 games to go, Newcastle look certain to be sucked into and destroyed by the cruel vortex that is the relegation battle.

The reasons for this penalty are not clear - insider sources have claimed that it has to do with financial irregularities in Mike Ashley’s takeover, although the Premier League itself has maintained a different tune all along.

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Yes my friends, it’s that time of the year when people pull pranks on each other and take great pride in it.

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In his typically level-headed and calm way, Fabregas has admitted that the current Arsenal squad is not good enough to win the Premiership next season.

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Gareth Bale, Wales international and Southampton star left back, has hit back at rumours that he would favor a move to Tottenham.

Bale is now on record as saying that he “won’t learn anything at Tottenham” and he was better off at playing for Southampton in the Championship than for Tottenham.

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In a sign of things to come, Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich has admitted in a candid interview that he has accepted a Real Madrid offer for Arjen Robben.

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Roman Abramovich has finally spoken - and his first interview revealed Chelsea secrets and a surprisingly warm affection for Chelsea fans.

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David Gill has responded to Ferguson’s desire to retire at the end of this season by naming an unlikely candidate as successor:

Steve McClaren.

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Popular transfer target Nani has spoken out on the clubs chasing his signature, and it’s not good news for Tottenham fans.

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Cristiano Ronaldo has broken his silence and Ferguson’s gag-order over transfer speculation and has boldly claimed that “Manchester United can’t keep me here against my wishes”.

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The Newcastle chairman has never been a popular figure with Newcastle fans, but this is bound to get him a lynching.

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Steven Gerrard - Liverpool and England talisman - has hit out at Rafa Benitez after Liverpool’s 4-1 win over Arsenal.

He’s particularly distressed at Rafa’s decision to keep him on the right wing.

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In a hard-hitting interview, Sir Alex Ferguson has admitted that if Manchester United win the treble this season, he will considering retiring on a high note.

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