On the eighth episode of the Soccerlens Podcast, Stephen Darwin is joined by the Guardian’s German expert and native Bavarian Raphael Honigstein to discuss German football and the Bundesliga.

The show will be looking specifically at the worst ever Autumn Champions, German WAGS, Jurgen Klinsmann and sex at the Bernabeu (although unrelated might we hastily add!)

Among the points of discussion raised with Raphael Honigstein were:

• Hamburg, Bremen and the UEFA Cup semi-final
• The demise of Bayern Munich this season
• Hillsborough and safe standing German stadiums
• The Bundesliga as the ultimate fan experience
• Nives Celcius and German WAGS
• Plus more on top of that!

Show Details
Date: Friday 24th April 2009
Host: Stephen Darwin
Co-Host: Raphael Honigstein

You can listen to the show below:
Download link (mp3, 29mb, 31 mins)

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Remember to leave your feedback on the show in the comments section underneath this post or alternatively e-mail the show at: podcast@soccerlens.com. If you want to make your views heard on the podcast, make sure you email us at the above email address.

Links:

• Facebook for football: Footbo
• An innovative take on Daft Punk’s Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger
• German Football: The Good, the Bad and the Grafite

Football has always been the beautiful game in Brazil but top flight clubs have found their own unique way of combining soccer with the beauty of women! Each year beauty contests are held by each club with all the winners taking place in a grand final to crown the nation’s Musa do Brasileiro.

2006 Club World Cup winners SC Internacional found a true gem to represent them in last year’s contest. She’s a football fanatic, she adores Internacional following them home and away, she is a fully fledged member of the club – and she happens to be gorgeous too.

SOCCERLENS readers meet the lovely…..Alessandra Pinho!

Name: Alessandra Pinho
Date of birth: 19/02/89
Place of birth: Montenegro, 50 km away from Porto Alegre, capital of Rio Grande do Sul state, Brazil

What did you have to do to become RS Internacional’s female representative for the Musa do Brasileirao?

To enter the competition in the first place it’s vitally important that you truly love football and of course it was imperative that you are a huge fan of Internacional. Luckily, that was me! After seeing all the entrants the club has to choose three Musas to compete for the title.

During the competition I was asked to fulfil several tasks and they included playing football, posing for pictures at the stadium, singing the official club song, commentating on a goal etc.

The club then held an election to choose the winner and that person (which was me!) enters the Musa do Brasileirao which is a contest between a Musa from each club in the Brazilian league.

What was the hardest thing you had to do in the competition and why?

I was away on vacation in Buenos Aires during my school holidays when the organisers of Musa do Brasileirao called me to ask me to film a quick movie. I was in a hotel at the time and couldn’t possibly do it there so I went to the ‘Chocolate Box’ Boca Juniors Stadium and made a video there instead!

But I tell you this, when I had to commentate on a goal during the Internacional competition it was really hard too. I am not a professional!”

For the rest of the interview and to see more of the beautiful Alessandra Pinho, follow the links below:

Alessandra Pinho – Interview
Alessandra Pinho – January 2009 WAG of the Month

While you wait for Football Manager 2009 (little over 2 days to go), here is today’s news in brief to keep you company (don’t worry, you’ll be saying goodbye to rest of the year this weekend):

• Carling Cup 4th Round: The 4th round of the Carling Cup gets underway tonight, with Tottenham playing Liverpool on Wednesday night in the pick of the draw.
• Nereida Gallardo talks dirty, complains about Ronaldo and takes her clothes off…
• Ronaldo v Messi v Torres – the numbers. Hell, this blows so many holes in the Ronaldo > Messi argument that I don’t know where to start. If you account for overall impact, Ronaldo edges it barely on points. If you measure it on impact per game, Messi blows Ronaldo away. If you measure it on titles won, Ronaldo takes it over Messi. It’s a close one, with Torres third but not too far away.

  And let’s not judge players on character, please? A womanizing, coke-snorting fascist would get my vote if he was doing the business on the pitch as well as off it. I draw the line at actual crimes and not on religious or sexual preferences. Not that it matters…

• The FA want LMA to respect their referees. You know, I totally dig that, but maybe the FA should make more of an effort to respect the referees and give them a helping hand?
• Mandatory drug testing for footballers in England. Drug testing = good. Maintaining a list of potential offenders = so bad on so many levels. This is a sport with a huge public profile and commercial interest. The last thing the FA wants is to tarnish it’s reputation, and they’re now going to turn drug testing into a witch hunt in full view of the media? Suicidal doesn’t begin to cover it…
• The Football League wants its clubs to pay their taxes and be more financially responsible. It’s a good initiative and I hope it’s pushed through sooner than later. Football needs to be responsible for itself, even if clubs occasionally need the local social setup to step in and support them financially.
• Manchester City getting harassed by the press. After Newcastle and Tottenham, it’s the Citizens’ turn now. Will they be able to chase Mark Hughes out before results turn around?
• How wild do you think a football match can get? Sometimes football can exceed your capacity to think crazy. Enter Bolivian teams Aurora and Wilsterman, and sheer madness.
• There’s a takeover going on at Portsmouth. Maybe.
• There’s a takeover going on at Newcastle. Maybe.

And finally:

Football Manager: The Greatest Job on Earth

Today’s top headlines:

• Maradona’s new style of management – not a man for ceremony, Diego.
• Will Rafa See Stanley Park? I hope so, although with Liverpool’s funding issues the stadium could be delayed for several years.
• Manchester United players go Jedi with new sleep tricks – and shame on the Sun for their lame gaffes.
• More evidence that Gillett and Hicks are desperate for cash. And they’re getting bolder and bolder.
• West Ham vice chairman is quoted as saying that the Icelandic owner is considering a sale, even though the vice chairman says the exact opposite – that Gudmundsson has no need to sell.
• Adebayor wishes he could swap the Arsenal red for United red…that is, if you take into account that he usually says the opposite of what he means…
• Gemma Atkinson drives me NUTS – she really does…

Manchester United’s fearsome four have established their reputation not only for their brilliant football but also for their sexual exploits, the likes of which have never been revealed to the mass media before.

Sources close to Wayne Rooney have revealed the grand exploits of this foursome with their conquests ranging from the top of Hollywood to the slushpile of non-humanity (and beyond).

Their most famous escapade involves an amazing sex-filled romp on a booze-filled night with two famous sisters, a baby, a Marilyn Monroe wannabe and a goat. All this happened in late 2007, when the four Manchester United stars jetted off to a secret bonding session to Miami, where they met with their *friends* in a 8-person orgy.

Cristiano Ronaldo the father of Jamie-Lynn Spears’ baby?

There have always been rumours that Casey Aldridge is NOT the father of Jamie-Lynn Spears’s baby, and for all conspiracy theorists, here’s the truth you’ve been waiting for: the real father is none other than Cristiano Ronaldo.

Ronaldo is your typical playboy and has bedded a string of celebrities and hookers across the world, including Bhipasha Bhasu, Gemma Atkinson, Evangeline Lilly and Elena Santarelli.

But Ronaldo seems to have outdone himself by adding Jamie-Lynn Spears to his hitlist in the strangest eightsome ever discussed in public.

Final confirmation can only happen with DNA testing, but our sources point to Ronaldo’s growing maturity as a player and role model as evidence of his impending fatherhood.

Wayne Rooney scores Britney Spears

Manchester United striker Wayne Rooney has been unmasked as the leader of this US expedition, a fantasy-filled whirlwind tour which climaxed with Wayne Rooney scoring with Britney Spears in what is now being called the wierdest orgy of all times.

Sources point to this moment in time as the turning point for Wayne Rooney’s career – the goals have dried up and his return from this season is embarrassing for a player of his pedigree.

No comments yet from the Spears camp on either Rooney or Ronaldo, but if the usual Britney Spears gossip is to be believed, she was too stoned to remember that night – a sharp contrast with her sister, who apparently lost her virginity to Ronaldo. As for Rooney – sources (again) claim that the star boasted after the event that no one will remember the grandma episode after this one.

And he may be right…

Anderson bags Lindsay Lohan

Anderson has built his fame with his bossing of midfield rivals Cesc Fabregas and Steven Gerrard on the pitch and has done more for the ‘fuck fuck fuck’ mating call off the pitch than any other professional sportsman today.

During their US tour, Anderson is reputed to have used the same pick up line on Lindsay Lohan, who had reported dropped by the Spears’ residence after hearing rumours about an eightsome involving a goat.

No words were spoken, but when you match repressed Brazilian urges and a sex-crazed maniac with a drug-fueled haze, it packs a powerful punch and eventually Rooney and Ronaldo had to drag a screaming Anderson away as they were getting late for their early flight back home.

Nani shags a goat

Reports suggest that Nani showboated by bouncing a ball on his head and shoulders and did several backflips before the goat would agree to participate in any sort of activity. Nani had hoped that the US would be kinder to him than the UK, but his reputation seems to have traveled ahead of him.

The actual act wasn’t witnessed any of the other 6, but Britney claims she heard an animal screaming from the other room and that she’d never heard anything like that. Of course, that was probably Anderson and Lohan, considering that the goat (and Nani) stayed in the back porch at all time, enjoying the moonlight and each other’s company.

£200m

That’s what this fearsome foursome will net Manchester United when the Glazers sell off the club’s crown jewels in a desperate attempt to balance the debt.

Soccerlens has more.

Disclaimer: April Fool! Nothing in the above news item should be considered truthful – it is all a figment of the author’s imagination. To read more April Fool stories, please visit our April Fools section on Soccerlens.

In this week’s WagSnatch roundup, Beckham plays for his England and Hollywood future (what, you think Indiana Jones is just about the money?), Rooney is getting bald, Coleen does not want his name and Danielle Lloyd, famous for stripping in front of a lens, is in a titz over some ‘personal’ saucy photos…

David Beckham performs for Baldini and Pepsi

Fabio Capello has sent his right hand man to check the levels of Goldenballs performance to decide whether or not he will be included in the friendly match against France later in the month. One has to wonder why on Earth do they always check Goldenballs levels of fitness when he is playing friendly matches or celebrity shindigs?

Anyhow, the game against FC Dallas ended up 0-0 and Beckham managed to get involved in a shouting match on the pitch. Not a nice look for him I might add. Will he finally get his 100th cap? Was Baldini impressed? We shall have to wait and see.

On the other hand if that fails he can always endorse any given product. In his latest commercial endeavor Goldenballs put on an Indiana Jones costume for the latest Pepsi ad. I have always preferred Pepsi over Coke (less sweet for some reason) but Indiana Jones was a touch of a genius I have to say. The most anticipated movie of the this year, Goldenballs and 6 other world’s biggest footballer makes for some quality cha-ching for Pepsi.

Coleen will not be a Rooney

If I had any doubts about Coleen McLoughlin’s intelligence I have to say they have been squashed when I heard this rumor. Being a WAG might have got Coleen plenty of press time, some good contacts and contracts however Coleen has made such a name for herself she has decided to keep it after she gets married to Rooney later this year.

Her deals include a number of books, a deal with Asda and Nike Women Sportswear, as well as her own reality show where she goes around making women over. Or something along the lines.

So Coleen is smart because she wants to protect her name and kudos to her. However one has to wonder is it all purely common business sense on her part or she just does not want to be known under the last name Rooney? As we have reported before old Wayne has some strange relatives and his brother is no picnic either.

Rooney going bald

Rooney might only be 22, he might be a great football player, he might be planning multimillion wedding to his school sweetheart and buying cars way out of price range for any normal person but there are some things person has little or no control over. In Rooney’s case it is the quantity of hair he has on top of his head. Ah well it happens to the best of them.

So basically Rooney now has 3 options:

1. a comb over where one grows the hair on the side and then brushes it across the bold patch (not very practical for a footballer as it is difficult to maintain on the football pitch)
2. hair transplant which is costly (although obviously that is not a problem for Rooney) but also very painful from what I have gathered
3. 3rd option and my favorite – shave it all off. I know it might not be the best look for anyone, but it is his best option.

All I will say is – don’t hide it Rooney, embrace it.

Danielle Lloyd and her saucy photos

It seems even though old Dani is all loved up with her new hunk (who is not a footballer) she has some reason for concern.

Danielle Lloyd who has made her living by posing for various mags in skimpy outfits and wearing next to nothing or nothing at all, got into a titz when she found out that a photographer that has remained anonymous so far has managed to get his hands on some of her saucy pics and has decided to sell them to the highest bidder.

Danielle hired lawyers to prevent that from happening and the naughty lawyers have threatened legal action against any mag that publishes the aforementioned photos.

Now I wonder, considering her career so far and the pictures she has taken on regular basis, how saucy exactly these pictures have to be for old Dani to threaten with legal action?

Danica Patrick

This is sooo last month, but in the absence of decent US WAGs (can our US readers help?), I thought it would be good to give Danica Patrick some air on the site. Sure, she races cars but if she works so hard on her bod, do you really care?

In today’s edition of WagSnatch Roundup Ashley Cole has a sex ban, Clancy loves her cheeseburgers, Posh launches a new line of men jeans, Chantelle is a wannabe WAG, while we also have a new WAG alert, Danielle Lloyd is still sticking to her no-footballers resolution, what led Gazza to depression and Goldenballs old flame is still milking her 15 minutes of fame.

Sex ban for Ashley Cole

Well you have to hand it to Cheryl Cole when she makes up her mind about something she follows it through. After last week’s reports about a number of rules she has imposed on her cheating husband, this week brings the latest news – Ashley Cole will have to stick to the 6-months-without-sex rule.

The couple is set to renew their marriage vows in a low key ceremony in Newcastle later this year, as obviously Ashley did not mean them the first time around and Cheryl wants no funny business before the pending second-time-around nuptials.

As Cheryl is quite adamant to make a fresh start, she has also stipulated their current multi-million pound home will have to be sold, as she does not know whether or not Ashley cheated on her in their marital bed. And the man to express interest in the house is none other then Cole’s teammate Nicolas Anelka as he is still renting in the area.

I think right about now Ashley has probably started to regret his man-whore ways. But will he actually stick to the rules, heavens knows.

Clancy loves Peter Crouch and her cheeseburger

Dear lads unfortunately I still have no news whether or not the Crouch’s girlfriend Abbey Clancy will partake in any of the lingerie shoots in the UK (if you remember last week it was reported she was done with it because she cannot bear to be separated from her boyfriend). As I said I will keep you updated.

However it has emerged it might have not been all about love as Clancy has suggested.

It turns out that the delightful Abbey developed quite a fondness for cheeseburgers while she was in the States working on her modeling career. She was homesick and missing Peter and she would comfort herself with cheeseburgers.

Allegedly even her agents instructed her to lay off the fast food. So Abbey decided to chuck it all in and return to UK.

Hmm…she is a lingerie model, not Kate Moss so she is allowed not to be pencil thin. And if she wants to eat, let her, there are plenty of eating disorders doing the rounds.

Posh launches a line of men jeans

And speaking of people who should eat more, Posh has announced the launch of her men line of jeans.

After the short reunion tour with the Spice Girls, Posh has thrown herself back into fashion with gusto.

However unlike her super skinny clothes (one has to wonder how does she manages to put that super small jeans on in the morning just looking at them makes me break out in hives) her men line will be more tolerant for the pot belly variety of men. Big and slouchy just like Goldenballs likes them. Jeans, not men.

As Posh said: “I think guys should wear jeans big and baggy, with a big pair of boots or flip-flops – exactly how you see David when he’s out in his jeans and T-shirt. Do not pull them up tight and have your bulge showing. Let it hang!”

So boys let your ahem boys hang. Although Posh jeans will resell for 100 a pop, which in my opinion is way to steep but each to its own I guess.

Rebecca Loos simply will not go away

And while we are on the subject of women Goldenballs fiddled with, Miss Rebecca Loos is still milking her 15 minutes of fame for all it is worth.

The woman that was thorn in Posh’s side for quite a while has revealed her stunning new figure after her stint on the Spanish version of reality show Survivor. What diet was she on? Raw fish. Apparently Goldenballs old flame was drifting on a raft for 3 days and she had to catch the fish herself and eat it raw. Ew. But it has paid off and she is looking better then ever.

Rebecca is currently in London and negotiating to host a chat show and launch her own line of lingerie. And if the exclusive snaps are anything to go by, she will probably model it herself.

Posh on the other hand came clean about why she did not sue anyone over the claims of the alleged affair – “I trust my husband 100 per cent… We have a very nice positive energy around us as a family and if it’s not positive and nice, I don’t want to know about it.” Hmm right. Well positive and nice are definitely not the words anyone would use to describe Rebecca Loos.

Chantelle – a wannabe WAG scores her footballer?

In case you are not familiar who exactly is Chantelle (well I didn’t know either) she was a contestant on UK version of Big Brother. And she has a bit of an obsession with Goldenballs missus. Nothing freaky you know, she just cuts her hair the same way and wears the same clothes and whatnot. Now that I have written that down, it does seem a bit freaky after all.

Anyhow, as she models herself after Posh she has decided that the next step (after the clothes and the hair) is to bag herself a Premiership footballer. And she had her heart set on Seb Hines of Middlesborough. They even went out on a few dates.

Unfortunately Chantelle did not do her research before picking her potential mate as it turned out Seb Hines has a girlfriend, a child and another one on the way. If it wasn’t so silly it would be pathetic. And say what you will Posh would never be so daft.

Chantelle was obviously devastated by the news, well onwards and upwards I’m sure there are still plenty of eligible footballers available. Maybe her and Rooney’s brother should get together, he can pretend he is Wayne and she can pretend she is Posh – a match made in heaven.

Week 2 of Danielle Lloyd’s resolution

Danielle Lloyd obviously meant business when she said she is done with footballers. It is week 2 of her resolution and she still sticking with it. And they call WAGs fickle. Tss.

Apparently Lloyd’s new conquest is actually an old friend Will Foster who has dated a string of pretty ladies including supermodel Petra Nemcova.

Although that would ring a lot of bells for some, Danielle is obviously relieved he is not a footballer but a businessman. And such is her infatuation with the man that she is whisking him off to Paris. But it is not all fun and romance, as Danielle will be appearing on a popular French show La Methode Cauet. Doing what I don’t know but still.

So lets see how long this one will last. I give it a month.

New WAG alert

There is a new WAG about the town and it is not BB’s Chantelle.

Roxanne Pallet (of the British soap Emmerdale fame) has been snapped snogging Manchester United’s Danny Simpson.

The couple was spotted bar hopping around Manchester and finally have been caught by the ever eager paps snogging in the street. Ok I will refrain from commenting on what she is wearing, as obviously she forgot to take off her nightie before she went out.

Anyhow, Roxanne was in a relationship with her fellow actor Richard Fleeshman. But obviously the actors simply will not do anymore. Will she be the next Posh? Alex Curran? Or Jordan? To be quite frank I do not know which would be the worse possible option.

Jordan likes to party

Oh Lord, Jordan is back to her old tricks. Ok to be fair maybe she just wanted to celebrate her celebrity mother of the year award. Not that she had tough competition with the likes of Kate Moss, Heather Mills and Kerry Kantona. Even so, this is quite unseemly.

Jordan decided she needed a night out on the town and who did she call? Her BFF Alex Curran of course.

The pair has been spotted stumbling all over Liverpool after a wild girls’ night out. To be fair Alex Curran is not stumbling, she is more half carrying Jordan so she does not fall flat on her face. And with boobs like that I’m pretty sure that is a mean feat.

Be as it may, Jordan has obviously failed to learn the lesson – its ok to get drunk as rat’s arse when you are a nobody. Then you only have a mother of all hangovers the next day. While Jordan has her face splashed all over tabloids. And I don’t even want to know where did that stain on her dress come from.

Gazza’s hellish depression

Details have emerged that it might not have been 2000 per day cocaine habit that got Gazza sanctioned under the Mental Health Act, but a combination of booze and antidepressants.

Gazza’s best friend Jimmy Gardner came forward with the details about what exactly went on before Gazza was sanctioned. It seems that Gazza’s downward spiral into depression began just after he had his hip surgery in December last year.

Not only did Gazza mix the medication for his bipolar disorder with booze and fags, but also he has stopped eating. Jimmy said: “Paul didn’t want anyone to see him hobbling in agony on crutches so he locked himself in his hotel room for 4 weeks. That’s when the depression kicked in. He realized he’d never play football again and feared he’d end up with a limp.”

Not only did Gazza had serious health concerns and his weight dropped, but also both his family and friends completely abandoned him. Lord no wonder the man was depressed and suicidal, it would drive anyone bonkers.

Be as it may, Gazza is currently staying with his dad and sister and seems to be recuperating slowly. Maybe this time around he will manage to stay clean and get his act together.

WagSnatch returns every Thursday with the latest in football celebrity gossip.

In today’s WagSnatch Roundup – is the Cole soap opera FINALLY over, Goldenballs gets chummy on LA Galaxy tour, Posh in a deal for a new reality show, Goldenballs sister celebrates her birthday (without a cat fight this time), Danielle Lloyd says no to footballers, new craze among the WAGs, Rooney likes to float and a bit of a sad news to wrap it all up.

Is the Cole soap opera finally over?

Cheryl Cole has finally made up her mind and decided to take Ashley back. Well at least thats the story this week.

Although she immediately flew back to LA after the last week’s Brits and she has been spotted without her wedding ring, it seems Cheryl Cole either loves the bugger or cannot picture herself not being a WAG.

But far be it for us to think she is a big softie rather then a chav at heart, Cheryl is laying down the law.

Ashley will have to give her an hour by hour itinerary for his daily activities, keep his mobile on at all times when she is not with him, apologize to her family, stop socializing with friends Cheryl considers to be a bad influence and agree to couple’s counseling.

Given, the rat has cheated on her more then once (and with such slappers which probably makes it even worse) but seems to me it would be just easier to microchip him rather then supervise his activities like that.

Be as it may, Ashley Cole will have plenty of groveling to do. But will it last I wonder?

Goldenballs on tour with LA Galaxy

La Galaxy is on tour and you know what that means – plenty of snaps of Goldenballs. However some of these might not make Ms Goldenballs very happy.

First stop Shanghai, where Goldenballs spent hours chatting to the kiddies that suffer from leukemia at the Xinhua Hospital. Just look at that – the kids love him.Posh would approve.

However old Goldenballs let his hair down (sort to speak) in Seoul, when him and his teammates went for a night out on the tiles. Goldenballs was chatting to a group of girls, while an unknown blond got a bit too familiar and managed to snatch a hug. At least this one did not faint. Posh would not approve.

But what I find a bit funny, the report said Goldenballs was drinking whiskey. I don’t know about you but I always figured Goldenballs would be the type for one of those poncy beers or some type of a complicated drink. Not straight up whiskey. How un-metrosexual of him.

Posh makes over America?

Meanwhile, old Ms Goldenballs is keeping busy herself. After the success of Gordon Ramsey’s Kitchen Nightmares, Fox network is eager to expand the format and do something in the similar vein.

Rumors have it that Posh has been approached to host a show called Fashion Nightmares.

Posh would travel across America and spread some of her British chic and glamor on the rural folk.

Well one thing she ain’t and that’s Gordon Ramsay, after all rare few have such a foul mouth.

And truth be told, I just do not see it. Posh is far too well posh; do you see her in some backwater in the States? It would be worse then when Paris Hilton did it.

Plus, some rumors have it she might be expecting for the 4th time. Posh was snapped leaving the gyno’s office at Beverly Hills medical center. Given, I would be worried if these rumors did not circulate every few months and the woman might have just went for a regular check-up but still Posh being preggers could present a predicament for her imminent reality show career.

Jermain Defoe likes a bit of a Giggle

Another one of Jermain Defoe’s conquests has come forward. And her name is – I kid you not – Sarah Giggle. Truth be told, I cannot say if she changed her name to make it more interesting, but still she could have picked a better last name then Giggle. Anyhow.

Jermain picked up Giggle at a fetish party (now I have been to one of those and although I am not the squeamish kind it was a bit too much for my stomach) but it seems Jermain was not put off. He kept sending text messages (too rude to repeat) until Giggle finally succumbed to his charms.

What woman would not if you consider his seduction technique is to wander around starkers with just a condom on? Not as charming as Anderson’s Fuck, fuck, fuck line, but there you have it.

Of course Danielle Lloyd sent him a flurry of text messages while this has been going on and later on Giggle called old Danny and informed her what happened. Not long after, Danny dumped Jermain’s arse. Ah well.

But this leaves Jermain with a bit of a predicament. Soon enough he will not be able to go out for the fear of running into his old flames, all in the same place at the same time. It has happened already, the only person missing was Danielle Lloyd.

Danielle Lloyd will not date a footballer ever again

And speaking of Danielle Lloyd, after she has insured her booty for Ł2 million last week she also splashed out on a Ł145.000 Bentley convertible. It seems unlike Charlotte Mears she does not have to downgrade to Hyundai when she stops dating a footballer.

But as I have predicted last week it was a matter of days before Danny was snapped with someone else. Not even I could predict but her latest squeeze does seem a bit camera shy (bless), while Danny is milking it for what it worth. But I could not predict Danielle Lloyd of all WAGs and WAG wannabes will decide not to date any footballers anymore. As she delightfully put it:

“No more footballers. I can’t say why – you’d have to bleep everything out.”

Yeah, right like that would stop her.

Goldenballs sister parties with footballers

On the other hand, while Danielle Lloyd has vowed to be off footballers Goldenballs sister seems adamant to bag herself one. Now that is a WAG wannabe if I have ever seen one.

Joanne Beckham celebrated her 26th birthday last week, but her brother did not make an appearance. Goldenballs did buy her a Ł5000 dress. Very nice of him, but me thinks his PA did not consult Posh before making the purchase, because the dress looks God awful hideous.

Anyhow, since Goldenballs is off on his tour, there was not many of the Premiere League types at Joanna’s bash.

But Jermain Defoe did turn up which must have made Joanna gloat with glee. After all just last week she and Danielle Lloyd had that infamous cat fight and over who else could it be? That Jermain sure does get around. But if Joanna Beckham is counting on Defoe to make her a WAG, she might have to stand in line.

A new craze among the WAGs?

Of all the things this is the last thing I thought I would see. WAGs are getting into budget buys. Honestly. And not just any WAGs but WAGs extraordinare.

Alex Curran (who lugs around handbags worth thousands of pounds) has been snapped with shopping bags from Primark and Top Shop.

Meanwhile Posh has been snapped at American store Target buying discount toys. In fact she bought so many toys, her bodyguard had to help her lug it all to the car.

Hm what is going on? Ok given Posh does not eat very much (if anything at all) so we can ascribe this to simple starvation. But Alex Curran whose wardrobe’s worth could fund national debt of a small country remains a bit of a mystery. Maybe that cat fight last week addled with her brain or something.

Rooney likes to float

That Coleen McLoughlin is a cunning one. Not only she managed to bag a Ł2.5 million wedding rights deal, but also she seems to be behind Rooney’s quick mend after the ankle injury.

Following the suggestions of his future missus, Rooney has installed a Ł4000 water pod. Well it is a flotation tank really. So Rooney floats for 10 hours each week.

I am a bit surprised he has even agreed to such a thing, but it seems a bit of pampering is doing wonders for Rooney and more importantly his injuries.

It seems all that floating worked as Rooney returned to the pitch a few weeks earlier then expected.

Hey, if it works…

Abbey Clancy says no

Well boys now for some sad news – Abbey Clancy is saying no to lingerie modeling. Oh yes.

The delightful Abbey and Peter Crouch are so in love, she does not want to leave him to go to States and work on her modeling career.

Abbey said: “I had a really big decision to make — whether to stay in Liverpool or enhance my modeling career in LA. Obviously I really love modeling and I’d love to make it big. But it’s not a decision which can be made overnight and my life is fulfilled with my relationship — my modeling career is a bonus.”

And there you have it. I am afraid I do not know does this mean she will also say no to lingerie shoots in Britain (now that would seem a bit silly), but when I do find out I will let you know. So do not be down in the dumps, you know these WAGs they change their opinions the same rate they change their outfits – a few times a day, so all is not lost.

In this week’s WagSnatch Roundup is Gazza finally on the mend, the Spurs boys are still celebrating, not one but two WAGs get into a catfight, Beckhams exposed and moving on up, Cheryl Cole goes back to her roots and the strangest pulling technique ever.

Gazza on the mend?

The biggest story by far last week (apart from Eduardo’s injury of course) was old Gazza being sanctioned under the Mental Health Act. Gazza was taken into hospital after his bizarre behavior got to be too much for the staff of the hotel in Newcastle where he was staying at the time. There was talk about erratic behavior, walking around the hotel naked with 2 automatic parrots for company.

What on Earth could possess anyone to socialize with automatic parrots was beyond me, but recent reports show Gazza had £2000 a day cocaine habit. Not only he adopted parrots for pets, but Gazza is also suffering from obsessive-compulsive disorder. When you combine that with coke induced paranoia (it seems Gazza thought FBI, IRA and White House were after him) it is no wonder the staff could not handle him anymore.

Although Gazza was free to go leave the hospital after 72 hours, recent reports suggest he decided to stay and get some help. All snark aside, this might be the best decision he has made in years. Lets hope Gazza is finally on the mend.

The Spurs boys still celebrating

The Spurs boys are still celebrating winning the Carling Cup. Oh yes Spurs boys take their partying seriously and the celebrations are still going on. Spurs captain Ledley King got so drunk he could not stand up straight and when the bouncers decided to tell him its time to go home, King got into a brawl right outside of the Essex club Faces. First of all did you see the size of those bouncers? I don’t think it matters who you are, unless you are not Lennox Lewis taking bouncers on is a no-no. Well it is a no-no if you value your health and extremities.

So even though King did finally go home, Jermaine Jenas and Aaron Lennon are still at it. The pair was snapped at SoHo’s Kabaret, looking worse for wear second day in the row. At least these two managed not to piss off any bouncers. It seems to me someone is overdue for a mother of all hangovers.

Danielle Lloyd gets into a catfight with Goldenballs sisters

And speaking of scuffles and brawls it seems that King’s aggressive behavior was contagious. The patrons of the Faces club were also treated to a full-on, proper cat fight. The stars – Danielle Lloyd and Goldenballs sister Joanna Beckham.

Just days after she has announced to the world (and probably any available footballer on the market) that she was single again, Danielle Lloyd made it her mission to be present for Spurs’ celebrations.

It seems the catfight erupted over a footballer both of ahem ladies had their eyes on. Seconds later, Danielle’s extensions came flying and Joanna ended up with scratches on her face. I do wonder who they were fighting over, but then again if you are that desperate to be a WAG I guess minor injuries come with the territory. I’m sure Goldenballs will be delighted.

Alex Curran gets attacked

It was not only Danielle Lloyd that managed to get into a catfight, Steven Gerrard’s missus Alex Curran got herself into a spot of bother as well. The scene was Kylie Minogue’s post – Brits bash at Movida. An anonymous woman threw champagne over Alex Curran and then wrestled her to the ground. Hm I wonder why? Was it one of Steven Gerrard’s exes? Possibly his bit on the side? Or perhaps she just found Alex Curran irritating beyond belief?

I have a hunch we will soon find out in one of the tabloids. The headline will probably read “My Alex Curran tussle” or something to that effect.

All this talk about catfights makes me wonder who is going to have it out next? My bet would be Danielle Lloyd vs Charlotte Mears. But one catfight I would love to see is Posh against whomever. Do not let her slim physique fool you although she is small I bet she packs a mean punch (I’m speaking from experience here being the same way) plus did you see the heels she wears?

Beckhams exposed

Old Goldenballs and his missus are apparently in a titz after a documentary by cable network E! called “True Hollywood Story: Posh and Becks” was aired. The couple that made a brand out of themselves is furious at how they were portrayed. Allegedly Posh is embarrassed that she came off as controlling and Goldenballs as weak.

Now while the rest of the stuff might seem common knowledge in Europe such as Posh’s dubious eating habits, her influence over Goldenballs that wrecked his relationship with Ferguson and finished his career in Manchester United and Goldenballs affair with Rebecca Loos; the couple managed to keep these secrets hush hush once they have descended to the States and tried to make a fresh start.

They feel betrayed by people who exposed them in the documentary, but I am a bit surprised they didn’t see it coming; it was bound to happen eventually.

Beckhams moving on up

But all is not bleak in Beckham’s household. After befriending the ever entertaining Tom Cruise and his missus, Will Smith and his missus and Snoop and his boys it seems that Goldenballs and his missus are moving on up in social terms.

Now the highest you could possibly go in England would be the Queen, however Beckhams have been there, done that and Posh even got a hat to prove it.

Beckhams latest BFFs – Gordon Brown and his missus Sarah. It seems old Posh and PM’s wife have bonded over charity work. The end result Goldenballs and Posh will be spending time with PM and his wife at their country retreat Chequers. The visit has been confirmed by the PM’s wife, however when it will actually take place remains unknown due to security reasons. I wonder are these security concerns over the well-being of PM or old Goldenballs?

Rooney goes shopping

Moving on swiftly to our Beckhams wannabes, just a week after the story has been leaked that Rooney and his soon to be missus got Ł2.5 million for exclusive pictures for their pending nuptials, they went shopping.

Rooney signed himself up for McLaren supercar worth £350,000 but he does have one stipulation – it has to come decked out with red leather seats. McLaren can reach 200mph and is the fastest convertible in the world. There are only a few of them in England, but it seems many of the footballers are trying to outdo each other when it comes to their penis extensions sorry cars. So Rooney has to wait in line.

My only question is and all team loyalty aside – it is a bleeding supercar, does it really matter what color are the seats?

And Coleen McLoughlin also got a piece of action and took Rooney shopping in Milan. The ever diligent tabloids dubbed them the Beckhams wannabes, but I don’t think Rooney or Coleen for that matter mind much, they were last seen in the shopping Bermuda Triangle of Milan, ducking in and out of Prada, Gucci and Balenciaga respectively.

Cheryl Cole goes back to her roots

As I accurately predicted last week the Cole soap opera is far from over. After a brief hop to England for the Brits and alleged reunion with Ashley Cole, Cheryl flew back to LA. And the tabloids declared their marriage over after a limo driver was spotted waiting for Cheryl with a sign that said Tweedy. But recent reports suggest even though Cheryl decided to go back to her roots; the saga is far from over.

Cheryl has hired a love therapist to help her sort her issues over Ashley’s cheating. So Cheryl has either been spending too much time in LA or she really wants to make her marriage work. On the other hand and I am no expert by any means, would it not make more sense if they saw a therapist together?

Also allegedly Ashley will be asked to sign a contract to ensure he will ditch his drunken buddies and spend more time with Cheryl. I’m a bit skeptical that will make him behave, but only time will tell.

Strangest pulling technique ever

I have heard some strange pulling techniques but this takes the biscuit altogether. Manchester United midfielder Anderson managed to score by taking his clothes off and saying Fuck, Fuck, Fuck!

It must suck to only speak Portuguese, what with Anderson living in England and playing for an English team and all that, but it did not put a damper on his chat up lines.

Anderson and his teammate Evra, picked up girls in a local nightclub and when you consider his vocabulary leaves a lot to be desired I am surprised he has managed to even get a snog. But when you consider how much they are paid, what is even more surprising is they took the girls to near-by budget hotel Travelodge. And Anderson still managed to pull! I’m fairly certain these girls are not WAG wannabes, because lets face it Danielle Lloyd would not be caught dead in the place.

Hm I think I have come up with new slogan – Travelodge, where footballers come to play.

In this week’s WagSnatch Roundup, the mythical creature that is a gay footballer exists, Coleen and Wayne snap a Ł2.5 million deal, Rooney’s family banned from celebrations, Beckham on a diet, Victoria has some dedicated fans, Beckhams have another performer in the family, Defoe back with Charlotte, while Danielle Lloyd insures her booty to Ł2 million and last but not least does Ashley Cole still has a wife?

Guti snapped – with another man

The biggest scandal of last week by far was the revelation that gay footballers actually exist.

Real Madrid footballer Guti was snapped by Spanish tabloid Cuore outside a restaurant snogging another man. Which would not be much of a problem were it not for the fact Guti is married and has 2 children.

Now Guti’s wife TV presenter Arancha de Benito is “taking a break” from the marriage, Spanish are in a titz and another myth has finally been shattered. It is not all prostitutes, orgies and wannabe WAGs some footballers do like to get in touch with ahem their masculine side.

Rooney just got richer

It seems Coleen McLoughlin has managed to pull off a deal of the century. And here I was thinking she was some daft WAG. Coleen and Wayne Rooney have sold exclusive rights for the coverage of their wedding this summer for the sum of Ł2.5 million. If you were wondering not even Posh and Becks got that much.

Does it seem a bit steep? One would think so, but the publishing honchos that have managed to outbid the competition are said to be ecstatic as they plan to make twice as much money from TV and magazine sales around the world. Hmm surely Posh and Becks would have fetched more.

Be as it may, it is not as if Coleen and her husband-to-be are forced to live on the budget. Rooney is making Ł100.000 per week, while Coleen has managed to make a brand of herself with her books, perfumes and a deal with Asda.

The money will be used to cover the wedding cost and top notch security to make sure their celebrity pals will be able to enjoy themselves without ordinary plebs and gatecrashers ruining their special day.

No invitation for the Rooney’s family

And speaking of Rooney wedding, the bride to be is putting her foot down when it comes to the guest list. Only Rooney’s parents and siblings are invited, while the rest of Rooney’s extend family will not be getting the invite. And it has caused quite a titz as many of Rooney’s relatives have stated they would not go even if they were invited. Hmm right.

Now I would be the first to dismiss this as snooty behavior on Coleen’s part, however when I read about Wayne’s extended family, I kind of get it why she put her foot down. Rooney’s cousin Natalie flashed everyone at Coleen’s 21st birthday party and promised to strip if she was invited to the wedding (and she still wonders why she is not invited). Rooney’s other cousin Stephen, who is a gay transvestite offered his services as a bridesmaid.

Can you imagine? It would be like something out of Jerry Springer. Come to think of it, it would make for a wonderful reality show/mockumentary. And there is a lot of money in that.

Jermain Defoe bounces back to Charlotte

We all know Jermain Defoe has been exposed a cheating rat. But the man is unstoppable.

Just days after he has split up with Danielle Lloyd for umpteenth time Defoe has been snapped with his ex-fiancé Charlotte Mears. Danielle moved out after less then 2 months of domestic bliss with Defoe.

So Defoe obviously fancied a night out and who showed up (quite by chance I’m sure) but the all new and improved (read cosmetically enhanced) Charlotte.

And just last month Charlotte was waffling on about how cut up she was after they broke up. Although for the life of me I do not understand what does feeling cut up have to do with the fact she had to downgrade from Range Rover to Hyunadi.

Charlotte does have a new pair of breasts, she might as well put them to good use and we all know how fond Jermain is of big bras.

Danielle Lloyd comes with an insurance policy

It should not surprise anyone that just days after Jermain Defoe was snapped with his ex flame Daily Star was informed by a “source” that Danielle Lloyd has insured her body for a whopping Ł2 million. Danielle was quoted as saying “My figure is my fortune, so taking out insurance seemed like the sensible thing to do, just in case anything happens.”

She is trying to pass it off as being sensible, but somehow I see it as a giant V (the hand gesture, I’d rather use that as I do not want to come off as crude) to Jermain. If I was into new age I’d say she is trying to boost her self-worth and what better way then Ł2 million insurance policy.

Be as it may, one thing I am sure of Danielle Lloyd will find a replacement footballer in no time. I give it 2 weeks before she is snapped with someone else.

Beckhams have a new performer in the family

And to get away from the footballers and their shenanigans the Beckham family has a new star and its their 3-year old Cruz.

At the recent Spice Girls concert in New York (probably in an attempt to squash the rumors of squabbling) the Spice Girls dragged their kids on stage to show them to their fans. What they did not bank on was little Cruz having a performance of his own.

Under Posh’s astonished gaze and to the growing cheers of the audience Cruz did a little breakdance routine of his own. And I have to say it was quite impressive and nifty when you consider the boy is just 3 years old. Or maybe he picked it up when hanging out with Snoop’s kids.

And for once the Spice Girls were not only caught off guard but full of praise for the little show stealer.

Gerri wrote on the Spice Girls blog “Victoria’s son Cruz was a little star…We all had our children up on stage tonight and Cruz started break dancing! How cool is that? It’s clearly in the family.”

Now she almost had me there, but when she started waffling on how Statue of Liberty has Girl power, well pardon me while I barf, no wonder they squabble constantly you’d have to have nerves of steel to put up with that nonsense.

No more burgers for Becks

More news from the Beckham camp, old Golenballs is on a new diet regiment. And who else would be behind this idea then the skeletal Posh. Honestly I do not know what is wrong with this woman (eating disorder anyone?)

She wants old Goldenballs to cut down on burgers and steaks and chow down on Japanese food, cutting meat altogether. It is one thing to change eating habits if you want to be more healthy, but it is not as if she has a lard arse of a husband. Goldenballs might be getting on in years but he is still pretty fit and in tip top shape. For heaven’s sake if a man wants a burger from time to time, let him have a burger.

Posh’s loyal following

I have heard of fan dedication, but this takes the biscuit altogether.

Old Posh was in Chicago promoting her line of clothes and other whatnots when her most devoted (and I use the term loosely) fan showed up. The woman proceeded to lift her blouse to reveal a small tattoo of Posh’s signature on her back.

Allegedly Posh was flattered and shocked (read freaked out) by the fan’s gesture. Somehow I would understand if she had Goldenballs’ autograph permanently etched on her back, but Posh’s? Heavens why would you do that? Sure it is fine for Goldenballs, he is married to her so we can understand his reasons, but this is just incomprehensible to me.

Will Ashley Cole get another chance?

And the soap opera that is the Cole’s marriage continues. As reported last week Cheryl Cole flew to Thailand to have a break and decide if she is going to stay a WAG or kick Ashley’s arse to the curb.

Some sources claimed the ever confident Ashley was sure he could win her back. It should not come as a surprise that a few days later Cheryl was snapped having a ball in LA with her band mates, looking stunning as ever – without her wedding ring. Silly, silly Ashley did he think Cheryl would not read about his cockiness in tabloids?

Be as it may, the latest news in this saga is that after almost of a month of soul searching Cheryl has finally decided what she is going to do. She has decided to forgive her philandering husband and give him one more chance. If it is true, Ashley is one lucky man to get off after so many of his conquests have come out of the woodwork. But will another chance put a stop to his wandering eye I wonder?