“No other man-made device since the shields and lances of the ancient knights fulfills a man’s ego like an automobile.” – Sir William

Who is (was) Sir William you may ask….to which I have no answer, but we must agree that he was right on the money with that one! Not that anyone could suggest, even in their wildest dreams, that the modern professional footballer is in need of too many ‘extras’ to massage his ego. But let’s not get off to an over-critical beginning here…for who amongst us could deny the testosterone fuelled thrill of our first driving experiences?

My first car was a Triumph Dolomite with a truly monstrous 1750cc engine and the more I screeched around the neighborhood (sometimes in excess of 60mph!), the more I was convinced that the local babes wanted a ride. Not necessarily to experience the speed thrill you understand. No, my thinking was much more ‘back-seat’. I mean I was an average guy but in this new world I was easily convinced that I had suddenly become ‘King Dong’.

And yes, there was plenty of competition, some even had better looking wheels than my rust bucket, but hey!….people recognized class when they saw it didn’t they? I was the next James Hunt in the making (read Jensen Button if you’re under 30) and I knew that the babes recognized this!

Enough said! That all went pear shaped fairly quickly.

But which of us, given the means, would not splash out on the ultra bling that is the modern super car? I know I would, even now…and I struggle to remember my twenties (a sign of good living that!) but there’s no question I definitely would have then!

And of course our footballing heroes don’t let us down in this regard. Isn’t part of the whole thing in how we choose our heroes related to them actually living some of our dreams?

So let’s take a look at footballers and their cars, the good, the bad and the ugly. We’ll take a voyeuristic peek at who has what before crossing over to the dark side. Boys will be Boys and when it comes to footballers and cars…they certainly are!

When I grew up players didn’t have that much cash or any car finance deals. The maximum wage was only abolished in 1965 and super stardom (wealth) was some way off.

Enter Bestie………El Beatle!

The sixties were in full swing and Rock and Roll and Bestie went together like, well….Mercedes and Benz, and Bestie liked his flash cars, had an eye for a good chassis and never failed to get under the bonnet! Jaguar was his brand of choice and he was famous for his E-Type Jag as well as other models (by that I mean the Mark 2 and several Miss Worlds).

Yes, George started the ball rolling and it has gained momentum (and horsepower) ever since. But due respect to the man who was the pioneer of it all! (Shocking word choice that!)

Bestie started it all!

Today’s Millionaire Players: Big Boys Toys.

“The car has become an article of dress without which we feel uncertain, unclad, and incomplete.” – Marshall Mcluhan

Clearly stated with today’s football players in mind!

There was a time when Audi sponsored Bayern Munich and all their players drove Audis as part of the deal (donated free no doubt!) However, such a policy would be scorned upon today…far too restrictive when you consider the choice of mean machines out there.

What’s remarkable, or maybe not, is that most of today’s lot have not just one but many cars.

And the ‘king of bling’ has more than most. Let’s face it….LA expects and with a wife called Victoria you’ve gotta have a few ‘Posh cars’! Yes, it’s Beckham I refer to and I could write the whole article on his car fetish…but it’s easier to direct you here:
Becks’ Posh Cars.

Back at Old Trafford Wayne Rooney is no slouch either! A Porsche 911 was his 19th birthday present to himself and wife Coleen bought him an Aston Martin Vanquish as a good luck present before the last World Cup (worked like a charm that!) Rooney’s collection also boasts a BMW X5, a Mercedes CLK, a Cadillac Escalade, a Chrysler 300C and an Audi TT. Yes, that’s 7 in all, one for each day of the week I presume.

And here is just a sample of how some other stars splash their cash:

Claude Makelele: Mercedes McLaren SLR (£350 grands worth!)

Stephen Gerrard: Porsche 911 Turbo, Mercedes SLK, Aston Martin Vanquish, BMW X5, Bentley Continental and Range Rover Sport HST

Rio Ferdinand: Cadillac Escalade 4×4, Ford F150 pick-up truck, Chrysler 300C, Bentley Arnage, Bentley Continental and BMW X5.

John Terry: Ferrari F430 Spider, Range Rover Sport, BMW X5, Porsche 911 Turbo and a Bentley Continental

William Gallas: Mercedes McLaren SLR and a Mercedes ML63 AMG 4×4

Frank Lampard: Ferrari 612 Scaglietti, Aston Martin DB9, Mercedes ML63 AMG 4×4

Michael Owen: Jaguar X-type, Range Rover V8 Vogue, Chrysler Voyager, Jaguar XKR 460 Typhoon and Aston Martin DB7 Vanquish.

Jermaine Defoe: BMW X5, Range Rover Sport, Aston Martin V8 Vantage and Mercedes ML63 AMG.

Cristiano Ronaldo: Bugatti Veyron (on order at a cool £830k!), Audi R8 supercar, BMW X5 and Ferrari 360 (more of that one later.)

Robinho: Lamborghini Gallardo LP560-4.

So as you scramble together the money for a pint and a pie at half time when you’re next at a game, you can take comfort in knowing that your hard earned cash is keeping your favourite player in a set of wheels worthy of his status. On the other hand you may be a bit pissed-off knowing that you’re funding something that only gets a run-out a couple of times a month……but you can at least take solace in the fact that it will look damn flash when it does!

Suffice to say that our footballing heroes are just mere mortals like the rest of us.

And, yes, there really is a game of car football. Two Ferraris up against two Subarus is something of a concern though….a bit like Chelsea v Scunthorpe in the Cup really! But anyway…
Car Football.

So what’s your steer on the subject? Is your mind racing with comments or have you drunk too much to even consider getting behind the keyboard?

OK, I know that’s weak….you could say I’ve crashed and burned! Time for a service…or maybe a trade-in!

You decide!

Don’t drool over the exotic cars of your favourite footballers just yet, have a look at regular car (or sports car, if you can afford it) finance deals from Carloan4u. The procedure to get car finance is fairly simplified to four steps: 1. Apply, 2. Get accepted, 3. Choose your car & 4. Drive away. You can even buy your car from your preferred car dealer.

From Soccerlens.com - Football News

Sports Illustrated and Gillette Odor Shield Sweat for Greatness contest is celebrating extraordinary achievements of ordinary men and here on Soccerlens, we are going to look at extraordinary achievements of modern day footballers.

For all the bad traits in the game of football, sometimes the sport can inspire you, can give you hope. Forget the racism scandal surrounding John Terry, the diving, spitting and swearing – the game’s values of  hard work, dedication and endeavour can shine through.

The game and the players that make it can triumph through adversity, injury and personal grievance to compete on an international scale and delight the supporter on a Saturday afternoon.

Although there have been countless stories of bravery from the modern day footballer, some stand out above the rest.

Salvador Cabanas

Salvador Cabanas

Salvador Cabanas is regarded as one of South America’s most clinical goalscorers of the 2000′s, winning acclaim and accolade across the continent and the world. The Paraguay international starred at club level in his homeland, Chile and Mexico, with his most successful period being between 2006 and 2010 at Mexican side America. A goal-scoring record of 174 strikes in 319 games shows the Asuncion born man’s predatory instincts and calibre.

On a number of occasions Cabanas finished top goalscoring in Mexico and Chile, and was the top scorer in the Copa Libertadores in 2008 with America. Awarded as the South American Player of the Year in 2007, Cabanas also impressed at international level, scoring 10 goals in 44 appearances for his nation.

The front-man scored on two separate occasions against Brazil, and proved the difference in a famous 1-0 Paraguay victory over the Selecao back in June 2008.

The forward’s life was turned upside down on 25th January 2010 however, as he was shot in the head in a Mexico City nightclub by notorious drug lord Jose Balderas Garza. The cause of the incident has yet to be fully determined, with some suggesting Cabanas was defending himself against a robbery, others stating that the gangster reacted to a show of arrogance from the footballer.

Either way Cabanas’ life was on the line, but the South American showed tremendous battling qualities to survive the callous attack. As a craniotomy was deemed too risky by the doctors at the time, the bullet was not removed from his skull, and has not be taken out to this day. The striker left intensive care in February 2010, but suffers from short term memory loss and an altered way of life due to the assault.

Cabanas recovered adequately to feature in a exhibition game between the Paraguay national team and old club America in 2011, but could not continue his professional career. The story of his miraculous recovery warms the hearts of South American football fans, and his achievement must be deemed as extraordinary given the extremity of his injury.

Julio Gonzalez

Julio Valentin Gonzalez (Left)

Julio Gonzalez’s story of recovering from a tragic car crash and an amputated arm to play a part in the game in his homeland, also in Paraguay, is uplifting and endearing. The international attacker was playing for Vicenza in Italy back in December 2005, when he was involved in a high impact car crash when travelling to Venice airport. After being hospitalised for a month in Europe, doctors were forced to amputate the South American’s left arm.

Gonzalez had, and has, a clear love for the game, with the pinnacle of his career winning a silver medal with Paraguay at the 2004 Olympics. After the injury, the former Guarani player pledged to return to playing, and went through a strict and grueling rehabilitation process to regain health and fitness. He made his comeback in November 2007, turning out for Tacuary back in Paraguay. He later went on to play for Presidente Hayes also.

Despite losing the ability to play at the highest level, Gonzalez has remained an important member of the football community in his country, and in 2008 opened an Inter Milan football academy in the nation. He continues to coach local youngsters with the Milanese club’s backing and his enthusiasm for the game he loves has not dwindled despite his injuries. A true inspiration, Gonzalez could easily have quit the sport, but a fledging coaching career is in the making for the 30-year-old.

Ivan Klasnic

Ivan Klasnic

Ivan Klasnic is the first and only player to compete in a major competition after recovering from an organ transplant, going against medical opinion to play at the highest level. The Bolton attacker was diagnosed with kidney failure in January 2007, which threatened the Croatia international’s life – never mind his football career.

After a promising start to his time in the professional game at St Pauli, the Hamburg born forward moved to Werder Bremen in 2001, who he represented when he suffered the illness. After undergoing a transplant operation, using his mother Sima’s kidney, things looked grim as Klasnic’s body rejected the new organ.

The striker went under the knife for a second time soon after using his father’s kidney, and although the operation was a success, Klasnic was advised he would not be able to play the game he loved ever again.

The Werder Bremen man defied medical guidance and started to train again, making a miraculous recovery to the professional game on 24 November 2007, playing for the Weserstadion team against Cottbus Energie. From there, Klasnic has continued an impressive career, the highlight of which his involvement for Croatia in Euro 2008, scoring two goals in the process.

Klasnic has since left the Bundesliga club to play in Ligue 1 for Nantes and in England with Bolton. The goal-getter’s determination to compete at the highest level in the game despite his medical problems should be held in high regard, as Klasnic’s determination and dedication encapsulate the true footballer.

There are many more stories of heartache and recovery in the game, but the three men mentioned have shown extraordinary courage and resolve to bounce back from such debilitating blows in their lives, demonstrating that football can inspire, motivate and unify.

Sweat for Greatness

Sports Illustrated has joined hands with Gillette Odor Shield for the Sweat for Greatness contest to celebrate ordinary men achieving extraordinary things. You are asked to vote for the one you find the most extraordinary at si.com/greatness.

The three final contestants are:

• Stephen Wampler, the first man with Cerebral Palsy to climb El Capitan the 3,000 ft rock in Yosemite National Park
• Joe Beimfohr, army veteran lost both his legs in Iraq, recovered and became a pro hand-cyclist
• John Olson, overcame Epilepsy to become a mountain climber

This is a sponsored editorial.

From Soccerlens.com - Football News

At first glance it seems it could not possibly be true. A repeat viewing of the BBC’s Match of the Day programme, however, confirms the initial suspicion that Tottenham Hotspur’s Benoit Assou Ekotto took to the field against Wigan last month chewing gum.

Not only was he chewing gum, but the Cameroonian saw fit to blow bubbles with said piece of edible elastic, looking like an extra from Saved by the Bell or a 1990’s teenybopper music video.

Perhaps I’m opening myself to accusation of fuddy duddyness here, but surely gum chewing is a liberty too far for a professional footballer?

Firstly, it can’t serve any practical purpose. Minty fresh breath wasn’t of assistance to defending against crosses last time I played football. Granted, my presence on the field was of no assistance full-stop, but that’s beside the point.

If anything, I should imagine players who choose to neglect their personal hygiene in the build-up to a game are at an advantage. After all, who would you get tighter to at a corner, the guy chewing gum or the guy who smells like he could transmit a fungal infection?

Aside from that it’s just foolish to be chewing during the course of a football match. Let us not forget that football is primarily an exercise in athleticism, and, as any child with competent parents knows, you don’t run around with food in your mouth because it’s dangerous. Despite the recent suggestion of one Apprentice dim-wit that French parents may not love their kids, I’m pretty sure Assou-Ekotto, a French-born Cameroonian, will have benefited from the same sensible advice.

Premier League football clubs have expensive insurance policies which cover them against injuries to players. After all, these are million pound assets. Their value to the team is nil when they are injured and their resale value can rapidly depreciate if they spend long bouts on the sidelines.

What would happen if, say, Assou Ekotto were to choke fatally on the field of play? This may seem melodramatic but people do die from such seemingly benign causes, hence the warnings we receive as youngsters. The fact that Spurs allowed Assou-Ekotto to take to the field chewing gum would, I am almost certain, negate their right to make an insurance claim were such a tragedy to occur.

This may seem a little heartless, but Assou-Ekotto himself has publicly acknowledged that football, for him at least, is about business first and sentiment second. I’m surprised Tottenham aren’t taking the same approach.

From Soccerlens.com - Football News

How would you play football on Mars?

A trio of University of Leicester undergraduates have studied just that, looking at how the reduced Martian gravity and light conditions would alter the dynamics of a football game.

In what is effectively a very limited (2-page) study, the authors primarily look at how the reduced Martian gravity and atmosphere would mean that not only ‘hit’ footballs would travel four times the distance on Earth, but that the lack of air resistance would reduce the player’s ability to ‘bend’ the ball. The surface conclusion is that this would require a different set of skills than that of playing football on Earth, although I would argue against the authors’ point that it would require a reduced set of skills.

You can read the full study here – my main counter-points are as follows:

When football makes it to Mars, it will more than survive. It will, most likely, evolve and thrive in the same way football technology has evolved in the last four to six decades in response to demands for speed, flexibility and lightness.

Football on Mars? Sign me up.

From Soccerlens.com - Football News

In the Ryan-Giggs-Imogen-Thomas-super-injunction comedy (the 3D version comes out this summer, but you can see a trailer below), public outrage (generated by the press) at the enforced censorship has muddled the actual issue.

Ryan Giggs is a footballing legend – 12 league titles and his longevity outweigh whatever Wales could not accomplish at the international level – and yes, he is, alleged extra-marital affair or not, a role model for aspiring footballers everywhere.

But the key here is that he’s a footballing role model, a template presented to young kids on how to take care of your fitness and health off the pitch. Professionally, and that is the only sphere in which Giggsy is of any relevance to football fans, he is an exemplary role model.

In his personal life, what he does is his own business. If the girl (Imogen Thomas) then decides to sell her story to the press, or if the press decides to cash in on the ‘story’ because they know they can hoodwink the general public into not being able to differentiate between professional and personal role models, then we have to question the actions of the press and Imogen Thomas with the same vigour and feigned anger as we question the super-injunction.

Yes, Ryan Giggs is a public figure and as such, nothing remains in the personal domain. On the other hand, there is something morally corrupt about sleeping with a married man and then making money off your story, just as there is something wrong with the false morality perpetrated by the British press, of whom a significant minority of individuals are as morally corrupt as the people they are covering.

Infidelity research estimates the % of married men having extra-marital affairs between 20% to 50%, which means that between 1 in 5 to 1 in 2 married folks raising hell about Ryan Giggs’ superinjunction have cheated on their wives.

The media’s moral compass is so far up their own arse that they can’t figure out what’s genuinely wrong and what is just average human nature. And when these misguided people shape the public’s opinions, then there’s no surprise that there is such a large disconnect between footballers and fans.

We make footballers into heroes or villains, gods or demons, and then we wonder why they are not more like us. The common footballer, just like the common man, is flawed. Deal with it.

When it comes to the family finding out, I’m reminded of this one sentiment that came from Coleen Rooney’s camp in the aftermath of the Rooney affair being publicised last year. It wasn’t the affair that really hurt Coleen but the public embarrassment that she had to experience as a result of it being front page news across the country.

It seems that in the process of ‘putting Rooney in his place’, we ended up hurting the one person who had already been wronged, thus doubling her agony.

Should public figures who rely on their ‘wholesome’ image be publicly embarrassed if they put up a false front? Yes. Should their families be similarly embarrassed, which inevitably happens with the moral outrage that accompanies these stories? I don’t think that’s an acceptable cost.

I sincerely hope that Ryan Giggs can come out after the Champions League final (28th) / title winning parade (30th) and openly talk to the press about what has happened. He has tried to keep it under wraps after the story was sold to the press, and he has failed. We have to remember that while professionally he is a legend and a role model, in the personal domain he is just another married man. A statistic. A human being.

And with that, here’s the NMA TV video made on the whole Giggs-Thomas-Twitter-superinjunction madness.

From Soccerlens.com - Football News

Newly-promoted Queens Park Rangers are still no closer to holding their end of season promotion party, after it emerged that the FA are investigating reports that the R’s have hired a questionable third-party caterer for their Harlington bash. According to paperwork, chairman Bernie Ecclestone employed relatively unknown Argentinean caterers Alejandro’s almost two years in advance; an arrangement that the FA have, apparently, been looking at intensely since September.

If reports are to be believed, the London club paid a mysterious middle man in the deal, rather than going directly to the catering business themselves, which is, since the start of this season, an act that breaches the FA’s Third Party Catering rules. Said rules clearly state, under regulation 31.6, that: “Payment for all forms of sustenance must go directly to the chef, caterer or Greggs employee.” If the FA find QPR to be in breach of the rules, which is a very real possibility, the club may find its canteen docked a number of carbohydrates and proteins.

Reaction to the prospective punishment was mixed at Loftus Road. Paddy Kenny was unruffled by the news, stating: “Look, there’s a corner shop four minutes down the road. I couldn’t care about carbonara. It’s when they try to take my Mars bars…then we’ll be having words.” The staff at Harlington Sports Centre were naturally more worried, with some fearing not only for the squad’s physical condition, but also their own jobs. “If choices in the canteen are restricted, the players will look elsewhere. All I have is this job; I can’t afford to lose it”lamented head chef Lee Cook.

R’s manager and pastry aficionado Neil Warnock was defiant in the face of impending retribution. “We’ve done nothing wrong. All we’ve done is tried to introduce a bit of international flair to the side. It’s not as easy to bring in empanadas as it is to bring in Cornish pasties, they have different ways of doing it in Argentina.” Warnock said that the players and staff would look to celebrate in the next twenty-four hours, regardless of the verdict. “We deserve to stuff our faces, so we will do so. If needs be, we’ll bring in packed lunches.”

UPDATE: The FA have found QPR guilty of two charges relating to third party caterer payments, and have fined the club £875,000’s worth of serviettes and paper plates. Warnock was delighted, but unavailable for comment, having wrapped his face around a chicken-filled South American pastry.

This article constitutes satire. Despite the use of real footballers, the events discussed within the article are humorously fictional, and should not be taken deadly seriously.

From Soccerlens.com - Football News

We’ve seen it before – an owner can only take the club so far. There comes a time when his decisions become repetitive, his style stale, his actions predictable.

Roman Abramovich has done admirably well in taking Chelsea from a 4th place finish (the summer he took over) to …. another 4th place finish by the looks of it. In the process there have three league titles, several domestic cups and plenty of Champions League heartbreak, but it feels that he’s come full circle, with an ageing team that looks desperately in need of fresh leadership (or at least unhindered leadership). When you look back at his tenure, you feel that Chelsea peaked a few years ago. Jose Mourinho figured it out, and left.

You can’t realistically change the whole team in the summer, and you’re unlikely to find a more qualified manager to handle the current Chelsea lot (Andre Villas Boas is the flavour of the month, but to go for Jose Mourinho Part 2 would be one Hail Mary pass too many for the Chelsea owner, who has already tried quite a few of them (his most recent being the 50m spent on one Fernando Torres).

Sidenote: How many goals does 50m buy you, btw? 7m Javier Hernandez has 14 in 22 shots, so that’s nearly 98 goals from 7 Hernandez’s that Abramovich could have gotten if he had spent his money more wisely. Granted that goals don’t scale like that but it didn’t deter critics of another expensive forward, Dimitar Berbatov, to count how much his goals cost in his first two seasons.

The case is incontrovertible. Ancelotti, when left to his devices, won Chelsea the double. When Roman interfered – first by tightening the purse in the summer, and then by loosening it up, putting his pecker in it and jerking it around furiously, Chelsea got nothing to show for it. Ancelotti has previous experience in bowing to a bossy owner’s demands (review his career at Milan under Berlusconi) – he even put it on his CV to help his case last summer (OK, maybe not). But he’s still a very good manager, and if he’s given the right support, he’s the right man to take Chelsea forward.

Roman Abramovich clearly isn’t good enough for Chelsea – he must go now.

From Soccerlens.com - Football News

Most football injuries occur as a result of an untimely connection between boot and bone. But Mario Balotelli’s grass allergy served as a reminder of bizarre setbacks suffered by other players – with no meaty challenge in sight…

It turns out Manchester City striker Mario Balotelli is allergic to certain types of grass – kind of unfortunate for someone who comes into contact with the green stuff on a regular basis.

But Balotelli isn’t the only player to suffer an unrelated illness or injury away from the pitch.

Salad cream scream

Former Chelsea keeper Dave Beasant severed a tendon in his big toe while trying to bring a jar of salad cream under control in his kitchen. In his defence, at least he got a hand to it.

Endorsing the widely held view all keepers are a Robbie short of a Take That reunion, England trio Chris Woods, David James and David Seaman all came up with bizarre ways of getting out of playing.

Woods inadvertently cut his finger open with a pen knife after trying to cut the cord on his tracksuit bottoms – losing his place in the England side in the process.

While James and Seaman both suffered at the hands of a pesky TV remote (I kid you not).

Plastic predators

James strained his back reaching for the gadget while Seaman missed half a season after suffering knee ligament damage when he stooped to pick up his control.

Believe it or not, Robbie Keane has twice fallen foul of a television remote. The Irishman ruptured knee cartilage early in his career while stretching for the device and several years later injured an ankle after standing on a similar contraption.

Top of the table woe for Rio

Rio Ferdinand also suffered a TV-related problem during his time at Leeds. Resting his foot on a coffee table for several hours while watching telly, he somehow managed to strain a tendon.

Meanwhile, Manchester City’s Jerome Boateng must have thought he was safe from injury as he relaxed on a flight back to the UK from Copenhagen. That was until a careless air stewardess clattered into him with a drinks trolley, aggravating a knee problem.

For most sporting injuries, doctors would recommend bed rest, physio and a daily dose of glucosamine to ease their achy joints. But with the bad luck of these hapless warriors, they’re probably safer on the pitch, than off!

For the full list, see our top 20 weird & wonderful football injuries.

From Soccerlens.com - Football News

Soccerlens writer Oliver Neto looks at what might happen in the clash of Premier League powerhouses, Chelsea v Manchester United, in the Champions League quarterfinals.

Pre-amble

ITV’s reliably philosophical approach to match previews does not disappoint, with Marcel Desailly’s classically Sartrean eye for the irrelevant ambling manfully through his broken English towards a fundamental point before Andy Townsend produces a verbal tackle reminiscent of his playing days to steal the initiative: ‘United are top of the table, but I tell you what, ‘ang on, Marcel, I tell you what, if they can get bodies in that United box and whip some balls into Drogba, Chelsea will fancy it tonight.’. Poor Marcel winces before brandishing a charming Gallic smile of acquiescence. Balls will be whipped in, Marcel, whether you like it or not.

Pitch-side, Carlo Ancelotti, having emerged from a mysterious puff of smoke, unfurls an enormous Cuban cigar before taking his seat in the dugout, putting his feet up and looking serious. Upon being asked to put out the offending item, the Italian replies, ‘This game may be in England, but I think you will find that this is a European fixture. Perhaps you forget my Champions’ League titles with Milan. My team was filled with ageing local heros, we underperformed dismally in the league and played much less attractive football than we were capable of. And I smoked cigars. Things will not change. I have coached AC Milan and now Chelsea. I have powerful friends.’

First-Half

Sir Alex Ferguson’s esoteric vision of a ‘tough’ away tie should have offered a glimpse of what he had planned. United operate a conservative 4-6-0 formation, with Wayne Rooney as a left-winger-striker and Paul Scholes, Michael Carrick, Darren Fletcher and academy director Brian McClair packed into midfield. Antonio Valencia breaks a metatarsal in the warm-up but still starts on the right. Nani is benched.

Carlo Ancelotti lines up in what appears to be a straight 4-4-2. ‘They’re going for it tonight, Chelsea’ – Townsend.

10^th minute: After 10 minutes of huffing and puffing from both sides, Paul Scholes’ late challenge (roughly thirty seconds) on Florent Malouda pushes Clive Tyldesley to the brink of commentary box orgasm: ‘Oh, it really feels like a good old-fashioned English Cup tie, this!’. Naturally, thunderous challenges, long punts upfield and endless crossing is just what we want from Europe’s crème de la crème.

16^th minute: Michael Carrick begins smacking 50-yard passes in the general direction of Rooney. Rooney actually gets near one of them, and Branislav Ivanovic is forced to come and help Jose Bosingwa. ‘That’s what we expect from Carrick, for him to stamp his authority on a match like this – and Rooney’s work-rate has been absolutely sensational’ – Co-commentator Jim Beglin.

23^rd minute: Bosingwa gives the ball straight to Rooney, who blasts a shot wide. ‘You just can’t keep Rooney out of a game like this!’ – Tyldesley.

31^st minute: Nemanja Vidic and Didier Drogba go for a 50-50 ball near the touchline. Three minutes of furious shirt-tugging and shoulder-barging later, Drogba wins a throw. The remaining 20 players finish the spontaneous tea party begun during their wait and resume the game. Rooney feels particularly strongly that he should have been allowed more time to enjoy his Fondant Fancy, and makes his feelings known to a pitchside cameraman.

37^th minute: Ramires brushes off Carrick and sends a poor cross into the box, but Vidic’s clearance hits Malouda in the face. The ball falls to Torres six yards out and he powers home a glorious finish. Chelsea are ahead, the champions are shaken and Torres’ Chelsea career is finally up and run… – Oh. Torres was about three yards offside. Nevermind, still 0-0, and there is now something to discuss at half-time.

Half-time arrives with neither side holding any significant advantage, but there have been lots of tackles and the referee has been surrounded by swearing players twenty-six times. So plenty for Marcel Desailly and Andy Townsend to discuss.

Desailly: I like Malouda. A lot. And Drogba. Drogba is playing really well. Did you say how he fought Vidic on the ball? Fantastique. And Evra. Evra is trying but he cannot play. Anelka stop him.

Townsend: Well, it’s been a little bit tetchy, little bit bitty – United come here tryin’a hold the line, keep Chelsea out and they’ve done that pretty well. Chelsea – little bit o’ nerves coming in but they started brightly, good understanding between Frankie Lampard and Ramires…I just think that if they can stop tryin’a pass their way through United and just get it out wide to Malouda, get some bodies in there to support Drogba, they can whip some balls in and put United under pressure. They’re cruising at the moment, United.

Second-Half

No substitutions, except for the chewing gum Sir Alex Ferguson has placed in his mouth, having scraped the previous one off the back of his right pre-molar and shamelessly stuck somewhere in David Luiz’s abundant mane.

47^th minute: Torres gives Chris Smalling the slip and fires a shot which is brilliantly blocked by Edwin van der Sar. ‘Ooh, he’s sharpening his sights!’ – Tyldesley.

53^rd minute: United’s midfield looks flat, Rooney starts throwing his arms in the air and Ryan Giggs and Anderson begin warming up.

56^th minute: Ferguson sends on Ryan Giggs for Valencia, but orders Anderson to keep warming up.

60^th minute: Rooney slaloms his way past Bosingwa and Essien before looping a cross over Cech, only for John Terry to fly in with an acrobatic header away from the waiting Giggs. ‘There’s just no stopping Rooney when he’s in this form!’ – Beglin.

63^rd minute: As Anderson starts tucking in his shirt and jumping up and down on the touchline next to the fourth official, Paul Scholes lunges wildly and Essien and is sent off. Anderson sits down again.

70^th minute: A long punt into the box from Ashley Cole isn’t cleared properly. The ball falls to Lampard in, who hits the bar. Clive Tyldesley screeches in shock that the normally effervescent Lampard should miss such an important chance.

76^th minute: Ancelotti sends on Salomon Kalou to cheer up a sulky Didier Drogba.

81^st minute: Sir Alex casually wanders over to the linesman and mutters something. The foreign linesman evidently doesn’t understand the insinuation, so the United manager holds up three fingers before shuffling off angrily.

85^th minute: It’s all Chelsea by this point, with Kalou making inroads and having a couple of shots saved by van der Sar. ‘Chelsea turning the screw on United – can they hold out??’ – a breathless Tyldesley.

90^th minute: Three minutes of injury time awarded. Ancelotti, impassive, lights a final cigar and asks David Luiz to come down from the stands so as to stroke his hair.

92^nd minute: A long punt from Vidic leads to Rooney shrugging off Ivanovic before playing in Giggs, who hits the side netting after his shot is deflected. The referee whistles for full time. Sir Alex Ferguson is incensed, Ancelotti’s cigar runs out and he does not appear to find the gum in David Luiz’s hair, which by now will probably have solidified into a tough, lumpen mass. Much like the two teams on the field.

Final Score: 0-0

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From Soccerlens.com - Football News

In what can only be described as a pamphlet rather than a book, eloquent and multilingual manager Fabio Capello has outlined how the average trophy-laden foreign coach can transfer their success to the English continent in just one hundred easy-to-master words.

The pamphlet, entitled How To Coach In Place You No Speak Good, was ghostwritten by his assistant Stuart Pearce, due to Fabio’s poor grasp of the English language. It outlines the most important phrases in a foreign manager’s repertoire in ten short and easy to digest chapters:

Pleasantries: “Hello”, “goodbye”, “yes”, “no”. Four words that should guide you through four months of press conferences whilst you get to grips with the indigenous people’s language.

Generic Phrases: Without simple commands like “go” and “stop”, “run” and “walk” and “move” and “there”, players would not be sufficiently pitch-trained, and would just do their own thing, running in circles and urinating on the astroturf. Reinforcing phrases like “faster”, “stronger”, “better” and “taller” will indeed make players play faster, stronger and better, but may not actually make players taller.

Attacking: Self-explanatory. The basics are covered, from “pass” and “cross” to the more elaborate “shoot” and “score”, with everything in between.

Defending: A little more pragmatic. The lexis is not as simple as when players have the ball, so suggestible words like “shirt”, “kick”, “tight” and “commit” can take on different meanings in conjunction with crazed facial expressions.

Abstract Terminology: Talking in abstract terms about a literal event can involve everyone in successes and distract everyone from failings. Phrases like “spirit” and “confidence”, popularised by foreign counterparts like Arsene, are integral when dealing with the media and falsely building up hope within your squad. Other words include “drive”, “passion” and “verve”. Use all in conjunction with the pronoun “we”.

Feelings: Whilst on the topic of interpersonal relationships, these words show that you are still human, despite talking like a badly programmed android. Stick to basic phrases like “good” and “bad”, “happy” and “sad”, “pleased” and “upset”. Some words are important, like “smelly” and “constipated”, but should not be used in the presence of the media.

Names: It is important to familiarise yourself with at least a few of the players. Talk lots about three or four players, then slowly learn the names of the others, and casually drop them into interviews so that it looks like you know them well. Journalists will like it if you refer to “Rio” and “Jack” on first name terms, but will equally acknowledge that calling players “Gerrard” and “Lampard” is often more respectful. Also, players will greatly appreciate being called something other than “hey you there”.

Locations: Directions are not necessarily important, as the relevant people will take you to where you need to go, but in order to do so, you will need to know the names of your desired destinations. For instance, knowing “England” is not enough: learn two or three city names, like “London” or “Manchester”. What’s more, learning how to say “Brighton” or “Soho” will open some doors in your personal and professional life.

Personal: Tell people you like things. It’s the best way to make friends and make the people of a country like you. Make sure you can say your favourite food in the native’s tongue (“spaghetti”, “steak”), clothing (“loafers”), film (“Robert De Niro”) and even music (“Jimi Hendrix”). Don’t bother learning words about the culture. You will not sample it, and if you do, you will not enjoy it.

Taboo Subjects: These phrases should not be used unless directly addressing the guilty player in your squad. In England specifically, it is important to learn the following words: “alcohol”, “prostitute”, “romp” and “steroids”. Do not, when questioned by journalists or Sheiks, mention words relating to personal controversies. Me personally, I cannot use the words “Bernstein”, “contract”, “scandal” or “nappyrash”, but it helps to learn the words regardless.

In total, Capello selects ninety-seven words which he believes are integral to coaching in England: the rest he ignorantly discards. According to Opta stats, the word Capello uses with the most frequency is “hey”, closely followed by “win” (mostly used in a pre-match context) and “sad” (prevalent in post-match interviews). The England manager stresses the need to use as few syllables as possible for ease of use and communication. The only words in his English coaching dictionary containing more than two syllables are “spaghetti”, “confidence”, “nappyrash”, “constipation” and “Manchester”.

The pamphlet is said to be in high demand amongst his counterparts. Early reports reveal that Christian Gross, Ruud Gullit and Ossie Ardiles have camped outside the FA’s headquarters at Wembley in order to obtain the first photocopied editions. FA administrative impresario Sir Trevor Brooking has banned Roberto Martinez, Carlo Ancelotti and Avram Grant from obtaining copies, hoping that it will prevent an influx of foreign coaches ruining the homegrown managerial credentials that the FA have worked hard to build up over the past ten years.

This article constitutes satire. Despite the use of real footballers and managers, the events discussed within the article are humorously fictional, and should not be taken deadly seriously.

From Soccerlens.com - Football News