Manchester United stars in prostitution and drug-related news…

I’m thinking of applying for a job at News of the World. In a pinch, I’ll take a gig at The Sun as well.

Just think about it – you get to make up the most outrageous of fantasies based on the flimsiest of ‘tips’, get full points for groan-inducing headlines, go undercover to strip joints and brothels, watch lesbians get it on, get a personal lap dance, buy the finest cocaine on the market, and so on and so forth.

And there’s no one photographing you, arresting you for drug peddling (hey, I’m a respectable journalist doing serious research), no one bothering you for harassing sex workers after hours. The money is just the icing, it’s the lifestyle that’s really got me hooked.

And just to set the record straight on the two Manchester United players involved in ‘controversies’ this week….

Anderson’s past interviews and history tell the story of a boy who grew up in a tough neighbourhood where he was the rare one to turn his back on drugs and devote his life to doing something better as everyone around him, including all his friends, got hooked on drugs. If he has a drug dealer as a friend, it’s not surprising. It’s not even a story, for fuck’s sake.

Ronaldo sleeps around. It’s only news because most people don’t get the same amount of action as he does, with all the different people that he gets to do it with. Envy is always a good source of misplaced outrage and self-righteousness. The girl is probably making half the things up and most of the rest has more to do with her and nothing to do with Ronaldo. Again, there’s very little here that would ‘shame’ Ronaldo (unless you’re saying that his standards have dropped).

The only outrage (in a mocking, non-serious, omg way) here is that NOTW reporters regularly attend cocaine-filled sex orgies and pay for sex (you think they walked out of there all clean? Yea right…) and no one talks about it. Ronaldo shagged a girl once or twice – and that’s worse. Somehow institutionalising the purchase of drugs and sex and calling it ‘research’ makes it acceptable.

Methinks we should do a Soccerlens-sponsored study on non-Premier League footballers and their sex and drug habits – how many readers are willing to volunteer for conducting… ahem… research?

My name is Klinsmann
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