Manchester United’s fearsome four have established their reputation not only for their brilliant football but also for their sexual exploits, the likes of which have never been revealed to the mass media before.

Sources close to Wayne Rooney have revealed the grand exploits of this foursome with their conquests ranging from the top of Hollywood to the slushpile of non-humanity (and beyond).

Their most famous escapade involves an amazing sex-filled romp on a booze-filled night with two famous sisters, a baby, a Marilyn Monroe wannabe and a goat. All this happened in late 2007, when the four Manchester United stars jetted off to a secret bonding session to Miami, where they met with their *friends* in a 8-person orgy.

Cristiano Ronaldo the father of Jamie-Lynn Spears’ baby?

There have always been rumours that Casey Aldridge is NOT the father of Jamie-Lynn Spears’s baby, and for all conspiracy theorists, here’s the truth you’ve been waiting for: the real father is none other than Cristiano Ronaldo.

Ronaldo is your typical playboy and has bedded a string of celebrities and hookers across the world, including Bhipasha Bhasu, Gemma Atkinson, Evangeline Lilly and Elena Santarelli.

But Ronaldo seems to have outdone himself by adding Jamie-Lynn Spears to his hitlist in the strangest eightsome ever discussed in public.

Final confirmation can only happen with DNA testing, but our sources point to Ronaldo’s growing maturity as a player and role model as evidence of his impending fatherhood.

Wayne Rooney scores Britney Spears

Manchester United striker Wayne Rooney has been unmasked as the leader of this US expedition, a fantasy-filled whirlwind tour which climaxed with Wayne Rooney scoring with Britney Spears in what is now being called the wierdest orgy of all times.

Sources point to this moment in time as the turning point for Wayne Rooney’s career - the goals have dried up and his return from this season is embarrassing for a player of his pedigree.

No comments yet from the Spears camp on either Rooney or Ronaldo, but if the usual Britney Spears gossip is to be believed, she was too stoned to remember that night - a sharp contrast with her sister, who apparently lost her virginity to Ronaldo. As for Rooney - sources (again) claim that the star boasted after the event that no one will remember the grandma episode after this one.

And he may be right…

Anderson bags Lindsay Lohan

Anderson has built his fame with his bossing of midfield rivals Cesc Fabregas and Steven Gerrard on the pitch and has done more for the ‘fuck fuck fuck’ mating call off the pitch than any other professional sportsman today.

During their US tour, Anderson is reputed to have used the same pick up line on Lindsay Lohan, who had reported dropped by the Spears’ residence after hearing rumours about an eightsome involving a goat.

No words were spoken, but when you match repressed Brazilian urges and a sex-crazed maniac with a drug-fueled haze, it packs a powerful punch and eventually Rooney and Ronaldo had to drag a screaming Anderson away as they were getting late for their early flight back home.

Nani shags a goat

Reports suggest that Nani showboated by bouncing a ball on his head and shoulders and did several backflips before the goat would agree to participate in any sort of activity. Nani had hoped that the US would be kinder to him than the UK, but his reputation seems to have traveled ahead of him.

The actual act wasn’t witnessed any of the other 6, but Britney claims she heard an animal screaming from the other room and that she’d never heard anything like that. Of course, that was probably Anderson and Lohan, considering that the goat (and Nani) stayed in the back porch at all time, enjoying the moonlight and each other’s company.

£200m

That’s what this fearsome foursome will net Manchester United when the Glazers sell off the club’s crown jewels in a desperate attempt to balance the debt.

Soccerlens has more.

Disclaimer: April Fool! Nothing in the above news item should be considered truthful - it is all a figment of the author’s imagination. To read more April Fool stories, please visit our April Fools section on Soccerlens.