Manchester City owners complete Barclays takeover, dock Manchester United 100 points

Manchester City’s owners completed their takeover of Barclays Bank this morning and immediately set about ringing some changes that will shake the very foundations of English football.

Sheikh Mansour’s first order of business was to instruct the Premier League – sponsored by Barclays – to deduct a mind-boggling 100 points from Manchester United for ‘failing to lose with a really crap team’. A leaked copy of the memo confirmed that the Sheikh was especially angry at Manchester United for fielding the ‘worst United team in years’ and still being ahead of the world’s most expensively assembled football team.

With City only being able to draw against Sunderland at home (despite the referee’s intervention at the end of the first half), Manchester City have hit the panic button as they see United running away with the league title. City have bet everything on winning the league title this season and it seems that they will leave no oil barrel empty in their quest to snatch the title from Ferguson’s grubby hands.

Our source – speaking in hushed tones from a bathroom stall as Premier League club owners fumbled about outside doing ‘business’ – spoke about secret ‘bonuses’ being paid to Premier League clubs for agreeing to deduct United points. Premier League clubs can also expect to be paid 8 figure sums for losing to City twice a season, starting in 2012/2013.

For Manchester United, the 100 point deduction means certain relegation, and the financial burden of their debt could very well mean the club could go bust – a doomsday scenario that had the City fans pinching themselves until they bled (red, if you have to know).

However, there is still one twist in the tail as certain teams have refused to sign the agreement as they hold out for more money, preferring to wait as long as possible to extract the best possible value from City. Since City usually do end up paying full price, the top clubs are demanding a premium price for their integrity.

Negotiations could last till the last day of the Premier League, by which time Manchester United could have been crowned league champions. But if City can’t win the title on the pitch, they’re certainly doing their best to win the title off it.

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