“No other man-made device since the shields and lances of the ancient knights fulfills a man’s ego like an automobile.” – Sir William

Who is (was) Sir William you may ask….to which I have no answer, but we must agree that he was right on the money with that one! Not that anyone could suggest, even in their wildest dreams, that the modern professional footballer is in need of too many ‘extras’ to massage his ego. But let’s not get off to an over-critical beginning here…for who amongst us could deny the testosterone fuelled thrill of our first driving experiences?

My first car was a Triumph Dolomite with a truly monstrous 1750cc engine and the more I screeched around the neighborhood (sometimes in excess of 60mph!), the more I was convinced that the local babes wanted a ride. Not necessarily to experience the speed thrill you understand. No, my thinking was much more ‘back-seat’. I mean I was an average guy but in this new world I was easily convinced that I had suddenly become ‘King Dong’.

And yes, there was plenty of competition, some even had better looking wheels than my rust bucket, but hey!….people recognized class when they saw it didn’t they? I was the next James Hunt in the making (read Jensen Button if you’re under 30) and I knew that the babes recognized this!

Enough said! That all went pear shaped fairly quickly.

But which of us, given the means, would not splash out on the ultra bling that is the modern super car? I know I would, even now…and I struggle to remember my twenties (a sign of good living that!) but there’s no question I definitely would have then!

And of course our footballing heroes don’t let us down in this regard. Isn’t part of the whole thing in how we choose our heroes related to them actually living some of our dreams?

So let’s take a look at footballers and their cars, the good, the bad and the ugly. We’ll take a voyeuristic peek at who has what before crossing over to the dark side. Boys will be Boys and when it comes to footballers and cars…they certainly are!

1. The Beginning.

When I grew up players didn’t have that much cash. The maximum wage was only abolished in 1965 and super stardom (wealth) was some way off.

Enter Bestie………El Beatle!

The sixties were in full swing and Rock and Roll and Bestie went together like, well….Mercedes and Benz, and Bestie liked his flash cars, had an eye for a good chassis and never failed to get under the bonnet! Jaguar was his brand of choice and he was famous for his E-Type Jag as well as other models (by that I mean the Mark 2 and several Miss Worlds).

Yes, George started the ball rolling and it has gained momentum (and horsepower) ever since. But due respect to the man who was the pioneer of it all! (Shocking word choice that!)

Bestie started it all!

2. Today’s Millionaire Players: Big Boys Toys.

“The car has become an article of dress without which we feel uncertain, unclad, and incomplete.” – Marshall Mcluhan

Clearly stated with today’s football players in mind!

There was a time when Audi sponsored Bayern Munich and all their players drove Audis as part of the deal (donated free no doubt!) However, such a policy would be scorned upon today…far too restrictive when you consider the choice of mean machines out there.

What’s remarkable, or maybe not, is that most of today’s lot have not just one but many cars.

And the ‘king of bling’ has more than most. Let’s face it….LA expects and with a wife called Victoria you’ve gotta have a few ‘Posh cars’! Yes, it’s Beckham I refer to and I could write the whole article on his car fetish…but it’s easier to direct you here:
Becks’ Posh Cars.

Back at Old Trafford Wayne Rooney is no slouch either! A Porsche 911 was his 19th birthday present to himself and wife Coleen bought him an Aston Martin Vanquish as a good luck present before the last World Cup (worked like a charm that!) Rooney’s collection also boasts a BMW X5, a Mercedes CLK, a Cadillac Escalade, a Chrysler 300C and an Audi TT. Yes, that’s 7 in all, one for each day of the week I presume.

And here is just a sample of how some other stars splash their cash:

Claude Makelele: Mercedes McLaren SLR (£350 grands worth!)

Stephen Gerrard: Porsche 911 Turbo, Mercedes SLK, Aston Martin Vanquish, BMW X5, Bentley Continental and Range Rover Sport HST

Rio Ferdinand: Cadillac Escalade 4×4, Ford F150 pick-up truck, Chrysler 300C, Bentley Arnage, Bentley Continental and BMW X5.

John Terry: Ferrari F430 Spider, Range Rover Sport, BMW X5, Porsche 911 Turbo and a Bentley Continental

William Gallas: Mercedes McLaren SLR and a Mercedes ML63 AMG 4×4

Frank Lampard: Ferrari 612 Scaglietti, Aston Martin DB9, Mercedes ML63 AMG 4×4

Michael Owen: Jaguar X-type, Range Rover V8 Vogue, Chrysler Voyager, Jaguar XKR 460 Typhoon and Aston Martin DB7 Vanquish.

Jermaine Defoe: BMW X5, Range Rover Sport, Aston Martin V8 Vantage and Mercedes ML63 AMG.

Cristiano Ronaldo: Bugatti Veyron (on order at a cool £830k!), Audi R8 supercar, BMW X5 and Ferrari 360 (more of that one later.)

Robinho: Lamborghini Gallardo LP560-4.

So as you scramble together the money for a pint and a pie at half time when you’re next at a game, you can take comfort in knowing that your hard earned cash is keeping your favourite player in a set of wheels worthy of his status. On the other hand you may be a bit pissed-off knowing that you’re funding something that only gets a run-out a couple of times a month……but you can at least take solace in the fact that it will look damn flash when it does!

3. Driving Offences

“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.” – Dudley Moore

In some way reflecting society, our modern day footballers can’t stay out of trouble for long when behind the wheel. Of course most of us don’t have 400 horsepower under the bonnet begging to be let loose. Then again, most of us won’t end up on the morning news and be hit with a hefty fine by our local club….but that’s just life balancing itself out really!

Here’s a sample of the headlines:

“Tottenham star Bentley on drink driving charge!”

“Vélez (Italy) football player in head on collision with taxi after steamed up celebration!”

“Handcuff row footballer David Norris of Ipswich fined for driving offence!”

“Sheffield United player arrested after fatal car crash!”

“Footballer Ricardo Fuller admits driving offence!”

“Dwight Yorke escapes speeding ban on technicality!”

“Footballer Teddy Sheringham arrested for motoring scam!”

I could give you the links to the gory details but you probably remember most of them or have heard it all before. There’s hardly a week goes by without one such headline. But it’s a serious business really! Lives as well as careers can be ended. One of the most famous cases was that of Patrick Kluivert who killed a pedestrian while speeding, when just 18, something he has to live with for the rest of his life. For a reflective view of the incident this is a good read: Kluiverts Remorse.

4. Fender Benders

“There are two things no man will admit he cannot do well: drive and make love.” – Stirling Moss

Yes, we’re all outstanding at both of those things! When we do have a smash it’s mainly our pride that is offended even if our ‘pride and joy’ is a tangled mess. But it’s usually the other guys fault or something to do with the road conditions. Certainly nothing to do with our driving skills! I’ve had a couple of spills myself, one down to the wife’s histrionics, the other caused by a walking tree (I kid you not!)….but never in anything worth as much as my house!

Again, the list of incidents involving our pro footballer community is long and only a sample is permissible.

2004: “One of Manchester United’s most promising young players was seriously injured in a car accident on his way to the club’s training ground yesterday. Philip Marsh, a 17-year-old forward, suffered facial injuries and a broken leg in the crash. He was cut free from the wreckage and was flown to the accident and emergency department at Wythenshawe Hospital.

2006: “Spanish international Albert Luque missed Newcastle’s flight to Germany this morning after being involved in a traffic accident on his way to the airport. The £9.5million signing from Deportivo La Coruna was unhurt in the incident, which is understood to have happened as he headed for Newcastle International Airport to join up with the rest of the squad as they travelled out for tomorrow’s UEFA Cup clash against Eintracht Frankfurt.”

2009: “Atletico Madrid defender Mariano Pernia is recovering from multiple injuries after a car accident in Argentina, the Spanish club said on their website on Wednesday. The Argentine-born former Spain international was in a stable condition having fractured bones in his shoulder and back, and punctured a lung, when his car left the road on Tuesday.”

And then there was the one that almost stopped traffic in Manchester!!

“Ronaldo crashes Ferrari!!” screamed the headlines.

The concern was nothing to do with the £250k machine you understand! No, the panic was all about the £80M asset sitting behind the wheel. Bloody hell! In an instant United nearly missed out on picking Perez’s pocket and that would have been a Real tragedy!!

When you see the mess he made of it though you wonder how he walked away. The only witness was Edwin Van Der Saar (following behind)…..tact and loyalty preventing him from commenting…. but you can bet your bottom dollar that Ronnie alighted from the vehicle, tumbled to the ground and rolled over several times while waving an imaginary card in the direction of an imaginary ref, all the time winking surreptitiously back at VDS !

Have a look for yourself:

5. Death

“Drive carefully! Remember, it’s not only a car that can be recalled by its maker.” – Anonymous

Ah yes, that ‘dark side’ I referred to! With so much money involved footballers are vulnerable to the risks that the lethal cocktail of youth and too many horses under the bonnet can bring, and over the years there has been no shortage of tragedy.

July 1989: Laurie Cunningham. Real Madrid
“In 1983 he left Madrid and over the next six years spent time at a succession of clubs – Sporting de Gijón, Olympique Marseille, Leicester City, Madrid’s Rayo Vallecano, Charleroi and Wimbledon – before rejoining Rayo Vallecano in 1988 and scoring the goal that clinched Rayo’s promotion back to the top flight. The player was relishing the opportunity to return to the Bernabeu for a crack at his former employers but he never got the chance. On the morning of 15 July, 1989, Cunningham died in a car crash outside Madrid. He was 33.”

Cunningham was England’s first black player and also played for Orient and West Brom, as well as 5 games in a loan spell at Man Utd. For years afterwards there was a ‘pub quiz’ question which asked “Name an English winger who died taking a corner?” RIP

May 2003: Silvester Sabolcki, Krunoslav Sabolic, and Kristijan Kitner. FC Varteks Varazdin (Croatia)
“Croatian international Silvester Sabolcki and two other players from premier league side FC Varteks Varazdin have been killed in a car crash in northern Croatia, police said on Friday.” RIP

October 2005: “Johnny Haynes. Fulham (Aged 71 and England World Cup Hero in 1966)
“Tributes have been paid to former England footballer Johnny Haynes, who died following a car crash. The 71-year-old, who became England’s first £100-a-week player, died at Edinburgh Royal Infirmary last night following the crash on Monday afternoon.”
Don’t blink! That was no typo…it actually was £100 a week!

Just shows you don’t have to be young…an England legend. RIP

August 2007: Ray Jones. QPR
“Police have confirmed Jones was one of five occupants of a black Volkswagen Golf which collided with a double-decker bus at approximately 12.20am in High Street, East Ham. Jones and a fellow occupant were pronounced dead at the scene.”

Jones was a hugely promising young player who never realised his potential. RIP

December 2008: Pavlo Pashaiev. Dnipro (Ukraine)
“The 20-year-old sustained a fatal head injury after losing control of his car on an icy road and passed away on Friday without regaining consciousness. Pashaiev was one of Ukraine’s most gifted young players and had played over 100 international matches for his country at youth and Under-21 levels.”RIP

And there are many other examples but let’s not dwell on the morbid! Suffice to say that our footballing heroes are just mere mortals like the rest of us.

There’s no doubt that cars and footballers are a lethal cocktail. But I can’t leave you on a morbid note and, pathetic as this is, at least respect the fact that I’ve dug deep (very deep) to find it.

Yes, there really is a game of car football. Two Ferraris up against two Subarus is something of a concern though….a bit like Chelsea v Scunthorpe in the Cup really! But anyway…
Car Football.

So what’s your steer on the subject? Is your mind racing with comments or have you drunk too much to even consider getting behind the keyboard?

OK, I know that’s weak….you could say I’ve crashed and burned! Time for a service…or maybe a trade-in!

You decide!