What if football clubs were women?
What if football clubs were women?
Who would you pick to represent your club?
Inspired from this forum post, I thought I’d make a list of our own for Soccerlens.
Read on below, then add your own suggestions in the comments. And of course, you’re welcome to share this through email or on your blog 
Disclaimer: You will probably get offended by reading this - please read with an open mind and realise that it’s one person’s view, and that you are more than welcome to publish your own views at the end of this article.
If talking about sexy (and non-sexy) women makes you uncomfortable (or if you don’t want your kids to read this), don’t read any further.
My apologies in advance to all the ladies and the clubs mentioned here - this is meant for fun, and I do not ‘dislike’ or ‘hate’ any of the people (I like almost all of them and respect the rest) or clubs mentioned here.
Premiership Teams
Arsenal - Paris Hilton:
All the press in the world, viral videos of their amazing moves, fanatical fans and a boob job help hide the truth - that they just can’t hack it at the top.
Aston Villa - Avril Lavigne:
Everyone talks about the potential but somehow there’s just nothing there.
Blackburn Rovers - Kelly Clarkson:
Not always pretty to look at but effective at what they do.
Bolton Wanderers - Kylie Minogue:
You really, really, REALLY want to, but common sense prevails at the last second and you go at it alone.
Charlton Athletic - Uma Thurman:
You wouldn’t, not even if they were the last team on earth.
Chelsea - Serena Williams:
You don’t want to look at them play, but a) you can’t help it and b) by god do they know how to win.
Everton - Dido:
A successful team once and a solid act at present, but does anyone really care?
Fulham - Amy Taylor:
Selling out cheaply and baring yourself (all for a good cause - go here, search for ‘Amy Taylor’ and scroll to the bottom pic) does not guarantee success.
Liverpool - Pamela Anderson:
Used to be good once upon a time but no one can actually recall that time. Banking on past glories to mint money today. Latest news suggests that more money will be poured in to buy expensive foreign imports and build new foundations.
Manchester City - Mary-Kate Olsen:
No one bothers anymore.
Manchester United - Angelina Jolie:
Age (or controversy), they say, is no barrier to quality and success.
Middlesbrough - Ashley Olsen:
No one bothers anymore.
Newcastle United - Denise Richards:
Something undeniably tragic about them if you’re a fan, a laughing stock if you’re not.
Portsmouth - Lindsay Lohan:
You can’t deny their success, but it’s hard to respect them with their history.
Tottenham - Scarlett Johansson:
I have absolutely no idea why an average team could be so popular. Hard work and talent? Really?
West Ham - Anna Nicole Smith:
Dead and buried, burning bright with hope but an absolute waste of talent in the end. Too good to go under.
Wigan - Sugababes:
One big year and everyone forgot that they’re no where near as good as they look on the (highlights) video.
Non-Premiership Teams
Inter Milan - Beyonce:
Rivals mysteriously fail and as a result plenty of juiced up but ultimately meaningless records are set at the top.
Real Madrid - Britney Spears:
From great to crap, but not willing to admit it.
Barcelona - Madonna:
A startling ability to reinvent and keep the spotlight on themselves despite the crapshoot and criticism at every step.
Bayern Munich - Jessica Simpson:
Always yapping, hateable but equally successful.
AC Milan - Monica Bellucci:
Class doesn’t fade away, it just gets older.
Lyon - Sophie Marceau:
Famous and extremely talented but somehow never mentioned when true greats are considered.
Teams I missed out on
I deliberately left out the international teams, although you are more than welcome to try that challenge on for yourself 
Women I missed out on
Women I wanted to include but I had no place to include them.
- Jenna Jameson
- Charlize Theron
- Evangeline lilly
- Jennifer Garner
- Kate Winslett
- Jennifer Lopez
- Elisha Cuthbert
- Keira Knightley
- Shakira
Now It’s Your Turn
Make your own list, and share it in the comments below.
The 2008 Soccerlens Awards: Nominate Your Favourite Football Sites Here
And if it isn’t clear already - this is an open floor for you to submit your own list. Complaining about my list serves no purpose - if you disagree, take out 2 minutes and enter your own list in the comments.
Or do you just enjoy bitching and moaning?
Everton - Jennifer Lopez:
The only thing big about them are their ar$es.
Sheffield United - Kate Winslett:
They’re on their way down just like the Titanic.
Watford - Jenna Jameson
Every Tom, Dick & Harry can score through them.
Your definitely anti Liverpool. I can tell by the way you descrive Liverpool. You state where living on past glory’s but tell me this , how is it we have won every trophy possible in recent times apart from the League, European Cup, Uefa Cup, Fa Cup, Worthington Cup, European Super Cup, Charity Shield. Give us some credit.
Scarlet Johansson!!!
Get in…
COME ON, SCARLETT!! although slight insult saying we’re average!! nerver mind bang on SCARLETT!!!
I agree with Dan…. Nice but not fair to liverpool…
I would go for Salma Hayek!
Damn, forgot about her…
England - Lisa Riley
Desperate to do something after years of trying, and failing, lumbering along and has a very large ‘crack’ down the middle. Always emarrassing us and herself on tele
chelsea sure is serena williams…damn, why did you have to go and have to make man utd jolie? i don’t like the lady…if you wanted old and sexy, you could have gone for aishwarya rai or even plain old catherine zeta jones…that’s one yummy mummy there!
edit: just noticed scarlett is linked to tottenham…kinda true…lotsa style, little substance…gotta love that!
*Man United - Jordan *
Dominated by tits. Quite repulsive really.
*Chelsea - Maggie Thatcher *
Hated by millions, supported by idiots.
Spurs have a great history, they’re not an “average” side.
* Juventus- Dame Judi Dench. Old and wily.
* Roma- Salma Hayek passionate and proud
* Sevilla- Elisha Cuthbert..just maybe a legend in the making…
* Valencia- Shakira-Ambitious but not there yet…
* Everton- Rene Zewellger. Hard working as hell. Not that special. Quality work ethic and results all the same.
* Sheffield United-Jane Goody. Who?Wild and all over the place
* Watford- Jenna Jameson. Everyone’s had a ride….
* Reading - Dakota Fanninng…Potential–Potential…
Man Utd are like the late Lady Diana: like Utd, every sad little Englander thought she was great, went out to buy the shirt with her face on it. For anyone with a bit of common-sense you can plainly see she wasn’t that great looking, wasn’t as innocent as the press made her out to be & when she was playing away on the continent got messed up pretty bad.
Ahmed, yet another excellent post. Keep it up buddy!
My 2 cents…
Manchester United (Elizabeth Hurley) - Vintage that keeps Premiership “bedazzled”.
Chelsea (Irina Abramovich) - Empowered so much by will that a divorce now will be very expensive.
Liverpool (Jennifer Ellison) - They’ve had the good piece of Steven Gerrard, but let’s see if their new ideas can keep their Brookside story alive.
Arsenal (Maria Sharapova) - Beautiful, elegant but not always invincible.
I’m a Spurs fan but I’ve got to say, Scarlett Johansson is too good for us
Anna korniova- Fulham -easy on the eye, but ultimately shit and doesnt win anything.
Jenna jameson- Watford- A rear that gets penetrated and shot at every week!
Michelle mcmanus- man city- obviuos talent but you just wouldn’t go there.
The worlds smallest woman - everton - very small
Ahmed has hit puberty…
LOL itl be girls, girls, girls from now on. sex on the brain!
Sid - that would be my past, but thank you for taking out the time to be clever
Did you ever think that Lindsay Lohan would beat Angelina Jolie, Anna Nicloe Smith make a comeback (she’s alive!) and Paris Hilton lose to a dead woman?
The possibilities are endless.
Pamela v jolie in athens. A weeping gary neville. My dream is coming true.
If that happens, PS, I’ll make sure I see you there
manchester united is lyk Rihanna;the older she grows the younger she becomes in fitness,potential,ability, and in line with exprience, capbility,skillsand lures and am lured to remain her/its fun for keeps.it brings os much joy
this is quite smart is some parts some…i saw it coming lol
this is quite smart in* some parts in others parts…i saw it coming lol
haha.. i found ManU’s funny..
Nic earticle m8 i loved it keep it up!!
:P 
plasticscouser nice 1.
Michelle Carter - Mansfleid Town. Unknown. says it all….
why jolie…?? i don’t like her at all now that she even cheats on the guy she’s stolen before… hehe…
i agree with karan… catherine zeta jones is much better for manU
Keith Kaira II >> yess,, reading is definitely dakota fanning..!!
menace hahahahaha good one bout chelsea! its hell tru! hahaahahaha Portsmouth as Lindsay Lohann u cud of picked a betta person but its kinda tru! but i still respect dem!! BLUE ARMY! PLAY UP POMPEY! POMPEY PLAY UP!!!!
[...] And if you’re still thinking about women, here’s a SL special: What if football clubs were women? [...]
West Ham are like a pretty ‘girl next door’. They attract the teenage boys at first but when the more successful of the boys hit twenty they see a flash bit of red skirt with some money to spoil them and then they’re off to pastures new. The only boy the girl can hold onto is a curly permed talentless and aging Scotsman who at least tries his best.
Still, the bit of red skirt is a snob and has herpes so the girl next door doesn’t care too much.
Have I taken this metaphor too far?
so you’re a curly, permed, talentless and aging Scotsman?
birmingham city - victoria beckham - crap but always comes out on top
Derby County - Linda Lovelace. Big in the 1970’s, guaranteed to go down.
the best of all was
CHELSHIT serena williams
:
now
my take is man utd : sharopova….entertaintment to the core….
I think you’ll find niel that it’s Mansfield! (Bit late i know, but you’s would expect that from a provincial. Just found this site an it just confirms what we expect from our men…juvenile.)
I know this is an old post but I only just read it. I’ve got one for an international team though.
ENGLAND as Jennifer Lopez
* Strongest at the back
* Narrow in the middle
* Small upfront
* Lacking any real talent
* Expectations are too high considering their lack of talent
* Good or bad are always in the papers
* When it comes to matchmaking they never last the distance with others who have equally high expectations and on occasion with lesser matchups too.
Also:
* Think that the money they generate make’s them great, when in fact it just makes them more deluded.
Also (part 2):
* Can look really good on occasion, but on closer inspection… ain’t all that.
Inter-Beyonce. Get in there!
Arsenal are better than Paris Hilton. And Spurs don’t deserve Scarlett Johansson.
bump…