Carlos Tevez and his giant ceramic heart

Six of the best quotes of the week from

The coveted Random Comparison of the Season award looks set to remain in the Kamara household for another year after this appraisal of Carlos Tevez:

“They’ve got this man with a heart as big as…as big as… a plate.”

With his shrewd, calculating mind, Setanta new boy Russell Osman has adapted quickly to the demands of co-commentary:

“If Spurs don’t get one goal, they won’t get any.”

Dean Ashton’s enforced retirement caused a drastic malfunction of Alan Shearer’s onboard thesaurus:

“It’s a tragic tragedy for him.”

But sometimes, as Shearer knows, it’s enough to just be yourself:

“Man United weren’t at their best but they came up against a very, very Aston Villa side.”

It’s a long shot, but Ray Houghton has a theory why Rafa might have been slow to let Aquilani loose on the Premier League:

“Maybe he’s seen him in training Bill.”

Ray Stubbs tenderly lathered Ugo Ehiogu and Kevin Keegan in aromatic oils during the build-up to United-Villa:

“When you watch Wayne Rooney play, what are the sensations you experience?”

Loads more of this week’s guff on

Steven Gerrard's best dives
2010 African Cup of Nations Preview & Predictions