Breaking News: Newcastle Striker Found Snorting Cocaine
Newcastle striker Obafemi Martins recently announced that next season, Newcastle United were capable of challenging for the Premiership title, a Champions League berth and would also target the two domestic cups.
While football hacks everywhere choked on their morning tea before gleefully sputtering and furiously typing-up a witty, utterly tosh piece on Newcastle and Martins, we at Soccerlens saw the light and thought that no, we should wait (the fact that we saw it ‘late’ was also an important factor in this decision).
Why wait? To find proof, of course. Proof that Martins was completely motherfuckin’ stoned when he gave this interview.
I present to you Exhibit A, Martins’ comments.
Exhibit A: Obafemi Martins’ comments to the press:
“Where can Newcastle aim to be next season? Fight for the league title, play for a UEFA Champions League place and also target the FA and Carling Cups.
We have the players, manager and fans to make it happen and I really think we can do it. Losing Owen and Shola was a terrible setback.
But their return couldn’t come at a better time. I think we’ll form a great team.”
Clearly, the man has vastly over-estimated the players (his Newcastle teammates), the manager (Glenn Roeder) and the fans (you). It also appears that he’s over-estimated the impact of Shola Ameobi and Michael Owen returning to the squad after a season out because of injury (and in Owen’s case, 2 seasons).
But most of all, Martins has apparently let the 0-0 home draw against Arsenal and Chelsea (not to mention the 2-2 draw against Manchester United) go to his head and is now placing Newcastle above Arsenal (no where in the title race, hanging on for dear life to their Champions League spot).
At first I thought, half-jokingly, that Martins must be high - after all, no matter how optimistic you get, you cannot seriously consider Newcastle United to be title contenders on a single front, let alone all four. The redundancy of fighting for a Champions League place while simultaneously fighting for the league title was my second clue - he most definitely was on drugs.
First I thought he was on Sativa, but then again, hey, these are rich blokes who earn more in a week than I could possibly earn in an year. After going through mountains of hash (yes bud, I know, we’re getting there), they MUST want something better.
So I went a huntin’ for the vices of the rich and famous.
And thus I present to you Exhibit B.
Exhibit B: Vices of the rich and famous
You’ll notice that rich people have certain common characteristics - they have a need for protection (hence the guns), they have access to anything, legal or illegal (thanks to the money) and because they don’t need to work for money, they spend their time entertaining themselves (and others) - hence the cocaine.
For a fleeting second I had a Lord of War Zen moment and I thought Martins was sniffing gunpowder, but … naaah, he’s not talking THAT crazy yet.
Speaking of Lord of War - absolutely love the movie. You must see it.
So he’s not too crazy, but he’s rich enough to buy enough coke for himself and his country (that’s the general idea, no?).
Verdict
We don’t know if this player is addicted, whether he is a habitual user or whether Robbie Fowler got him to do this at a party as a gag (good ol’ Robbie, eh?). We also don’t know if he ‘trades’ in guns and drugs, although if he does, here’s a free banner for him:
What we DO know is that Martins’ crazy claim can only have come from one source - him snorting cocaine.
The only question I have is - how does it feel to do these backflips when you’re high?
Disclaimer: The above article is presented here as a joke based on Oba M’s optimistic comments about Newcastle challenging for the Premiership title. As such, it does not seriously imply, nor does the author or Soccerlens believe, that Newcastle can actually challenge for the title Martins has ever snorted cocaine or participated in any other form of drug abuse.
All the latest football headlines.
Think it’s that cold air and very stiff sea breeze on Tyneside that causes this.
Well, for the rich and famous, cocaine is just one of them. How about crystal meth and speed? You don’t have indubitable proof that its coke!
Ahmed Bilal, my legal team will be in touch.
by all means
LOL.
Totally with you on Lord of War there, Ahmed. Awesome awesome film.
Being a long suffering Newcastle fan I find this kind of article completely insulting. I myself agree whole heartedly with Oba Martins and I would even go one step further and predict that we will not only win all 4 major trophies next season, but the World Cup too. Bramble, Ameobi, Dyer and co will prove to the rest of the footballing world what we toon fans already know, that we are the best football team on the planet (oh and the biggest, we will no doubt have added another 12 stands onto our already magnificent stadium to take the capacity to 450,000, with parking for over 43 cars). So there.
Ahmed do you think its correct to write such utter bollocks without proof.If i was Mr.Martins id sue you for such defamation of character
Keith - good thing you’re not then, right?
i was with martins when he was snorting cocaine along with half the manchester united team and sami hyypia plus darren fletcher is on preformance enhancing drugs with john o shea. clean up the game and ban these cunts for life. ps jose stop crying your team is full of has beens
Don’t know which team the author of this sarcastic article represents, but probably Arsenal or Liverpool. Due to the “Think they are champions of the world, but never suceeds” syndrome!
Everybody who seriously watches football knows that when Newcastle United can put on a first team without injuries they will most likely fight for top four.
I would even say they pose a bigger threat than especially Liverpool, and maybe even Arsenal.
Manchester United.
Sarcastic? I prefer hilarious.
This is SLANDER Mr Bilal !!! and your about to be dragged to court. Good day sir !
Sheer Quality. Too funny. Keep it up.
FAO ED HARRISON
You call yourself a Newcastle fan and you stand with this toerag whilst he writes crap like this about NUFC.
Take a look in the mirror,I bet you don’t see a man
Actually, it’s libel. And “you’re”. Were I Martins, I’d find new representation…….!
Bilal
Read this and then justify the sh*t youv’e posted here
Welcome and thank you for visiting Soccerlens.com.
Soccerlens.com was started by Ahmed Bilal on 19 April 2006. Since then Soccerlens has grown from a single-author unknown blog to into one of the most widely-read football “opinion” blogs on the Internet with over half a dozen contributing authors.
Soccerlens is not a “football news” site (we do not believe that merely regurgitating news reported in the media makes us “journalists”) - instead, our focus lies in providing analysis and insight on current football stories as well as providing readers with a filtered summary of the latest football news.
Why a “filtered summary”? Well, one of the biggest problems we face in football is the sheer amount of incorrect information reported in the media. It takes a healthy dose of cynicism and objectivity to sift the signal from the noise, and while we don’t hold ourselves experts in that area we do make a concerted effort to ensure that our readers are not served misleading and untrue news.
Unfortunately, it’s not possible to please everyone in football, or any industry where emotions are so highly involved. If you are looking for news and opinions that agree with your world view, I’m sure you can find them elsewhere.
However, if you are looking for an intelligent, fact-based analysis of the news that matters, and are willing to discuss your difference of opinion rationally and calmly, you’ve come to the right place.
Esteemed Mr. Martins:
I am Barrister Christopher N. Okeke, a solicitor at law. I am the personal attorney to Mr. Douglas Irizarry , a National of your country, who used to work with Nigerian Liquidfied Natural Gas (NLNG) in Nigeria and as well as a one time secret agent in transferring of money overseas for the Late Head of State of Nigeria…
I’d represent Oba if it were anyone else - lawyers make killer money for threatening people, it rarely gets better than that.
Paul.
1) I should probably update it to add that sometimes you need a sense of humor.
2) If I could, I’d send you to a psychiatrist to deal with whatever issues you have. I can’t, so you’ll have to deal with them yourself, not here.
Hey, don’t look at me like that, you called this shit, I had to say something
Ok, you wanted rational discussion, how about telling if Martins is right or wrong?
Ahhhh what discusion….
Read between the lines ( not coke ) but what mr Martins is saying.
He is sending out a message to other clubs to tell them he wants to win all the things he mentions.
Good goal return so far from a player in his first year and playing for a poor newcastle side…
Watch him and Owen ,and with three new defenders, he may get one of his wishes….
I agree with my pal,Obafemi.Oba is always right.He speaks the greatness out of his slang.When he speaks everything is colourful…his words convey energy…flashing sounds and lights everywhere…
Oba is the master of the tooniverse.WOW!
Yeh yeh very funny. Typical of a Man Utd “Fan”*. As for Martins, he hasn’t been here very long so he doesn’t yet realise it’s illegal in this country to dream of achieving anything in football unless you support Man Utd or Chelsea.
*I use the word losely, Man Utd supporters have no idea what being a football fan is about because they are never disappointed. If they finished about 5th then the lot of them, including most likely the writer of this article, would support Chelsea or whoever they feel could help make up for their personal shortcomings by providing them with bragging rights.
We weren’t disappointed when Law relegated us with a backheel?
paul - sure this was meant to be light-hearted - don’t take it too seriously - sometimes we need to have fun - even when it’s at the expense of our great black and whites.
Hey - as Geordie fans we need to lighten up - I know it’s hard after 40 years with nothing (or should I say nought)- but not too long until we win next trophy … upward and onward … let’s get that win at Reading on Monday !
Man United fans……
Lets see how much shame you can cause in Athens ( if you get there ).
Smack a few greeks like you did Italians…
There will be nobody left in london if you do get there,,
Come on Bournmouth Reds ,,and the south coast list goes on..
Only one club in Manchester
“We weren’t disappointed when Law relegated us with a backheel?”
——————————————–
Well how many of the Old Trafford “faithful” were even alive when that happened? If you really were supporting them back then then fair play to you but very few of the current lot were.
SS1wig - your argument seems to me to be utter bollocks. So, in order to be a fan, it is a prerequisite to be disappointed? Sounds like a pretty raw deal to be honest, it’s a wonder fans exist at all. Disappointment comes in gradations - if you are a Dag & Redbridge fan, you are ecstatic to make it into League 2 and beyond, and if you are a Manchester United fan who is only 20 years old (something for which you cannot be blamed), then it is a grand disappointment to finish outside the top 2.
Oh and I’m a Spurs fan…so yes I’ve had my fair share of disappointment and mediocrity.
The author here is going to look particularily stupid if Mr. Martins is correct. Lets hope we start with owen and martins ripping reading to pieces. Its time Newcastle got back to not worrying about the defence because we score more than we let in.
Ahmed Bilal, You are really a spastic. Just bcoz ManUre is leading the table doesn’t mean they going to finish there by May. surely, Oba Martins will be suing you and Soccerlens for letting you to write utter rubbish from your asshole. Every team including ManUre has the right and the ability to finish top of the table… ManUre only has to injure half their squd and will finish relegated next season.. ha ha ha ha.
noel - indeed I am. I’m not going to get cocky, but I’ve got more things right than wrong this season.
Lee - once again, not trying to get cocky, but United injured half their squad last season. Finished 2nd. No Backline right now, and no backups either (the bench is bare). Cant finish below 2nd.
Everyone - what happened to your sense of humor
This is a very irresponsible article you’ve conjured up. All it takes is one person to read the title and not the article and spread false rumors.
I have no doubt in my mind that the club will contact you with regards to this ill thought and immature article, threatening you with legal action due to defamation of character.
[...] Breaking News: Newcastle Striker Found Snorting Cocaine [...]
The tabloids get away with this kind of shit all the time. Why should this be any different? Get a sense of humour.
Hugo Steckelmacher, you obviously didn’t read my argument. My point is - How many of man utd’s fans who live in the south would support them if they weren’t successful? Not many. This is contrary to most other clubs who’s fans have experienced highs and lows and are still supporting them. Could be Spurs, Newcastle, Fulham, even Arsenal or whoever.
My main problem is not this mildy amusing article but the fact that most of Mr Bilal’s articles seem to about slagging us off. Maybe he should go back to writing about his team, or are they really so uninteresting that he has to bother with antagonising “deluded” Newcastle fans? I wouldn’t usually give this website the time of day but since it keeps coming up on Newsnow I feel compelled to say something.
Chris - this is not shit, please. The tabloids pass off their shit as real. This is a work of art meant to be laughed at. Just because people call art shit doesn’t mean its shit
ss1wig - at least you found it amusing, even mildly.
About the rest of my articles - fair enough, they do contain criticism on Newcastle, but they also contain praise for the good players Newcastle has. Do you consider it ’slagging off’ because I’m not a Newcastle fan and therefore don’t have your blessing to criticise the club?
Or is it because I need to know 100 years of history and need to have shed tears and blood for Newcastle to understand what’s good and what’s bad about the club?
Newcastle have certain problems. They also have several excellent players and therefore good potential.
My articles - when they’re not intentionally poking fun (like this one) - reflect those views.
I’d say that only my United articles sound biased, because I’m overly optimistic about our chances. Other than that, I don’t hate or prefer any club, and I can comment on them without being emotionally involved.
Or perhaps you don’t see it that way. Fair enough. Feel free to point out any specific instant of where I’ve gone wrong, so I can see my mistakes and try to rectify them.
Cheers, and glad to have you coming back
And one last thing - this comment:
How many of man utd’s fans who live in the south would support them if they weren’t successful? Not many.
is a bit off.
I’d venture that what you’re saying applies to Arsenal, Chelsea, Liverpool, United, Madrid, Barcelona, Milan, and several other top European clubs. It also applies to Argentina, Brazil, France and other top international teams.
Did you know that I was an England fan? Hard to believe considering the disappointments they’ve had, eh? I’ve been supporting them since right before the 2002 world cup, and I haven’t budged, even when they played crap.
United - ah well, I personally know people who have suddenly become Chelsea fans because of Chelsea’s success. Ditto for Arsenal fans when they were on top earlier this decade. Myself, I grew up with United - however, regardless of how I became a fan (I’ve been supporting them for a long time now), I don’t think I’d fall off the wagon because they suddenly start doing poorly. Once you have that much emotionally invested in a side, you don’t walk away when things go south.
You’d know that, wouldn’t you?
OH, and Mal - Can’t say I’m looking forward to that
Ok well fair enough. If you are a real fan then ok but I still maintain that most MU fans outside manchester don’t go to the games and just claim to support them because they are succesful. England is different. We aren’t going to start supporting Argentina or Brazil because England aren’t doing well but fairweather fans frequently switch their club preference.
I also feel that you are unnecessarily critical of newcastle and their fans while being pretty neutral towards other teams. But thanks for replying anyway.
unnecessarily critical of newcastle
where!?!?!?
Ok maybe critical isn’t the word but you seem to make fun of us a fair amount. I guess you’re just having a laugh and I’m not even bothered anymore but please remember it is a lot easier to take it when you’re winning. When your team sucks and it feels like people are laughing at you for no good reason it’s kind of annoying.
Bilal
1- It’s only funny IF both sides see it as funny.As a rough guide,so you can understand.If you say something to someone,face to face,and they laugh,then it’s probably funny.Alternately,if you end up with a sore face,it’s probably not funny.
Now instead of sitting behind a key board and posting this type of material,try coming up and saying it to a supporters face and test out your HUMOROUS comments
2- I asked you to justify you comment in light of your own site leader- you avoid that!
ok Do you think your article stand up to this(and by the way this is YOUR criteria)
However, if you are looking for an intelligent, fact-based analysis of the news that matters, and are willing to discuss your difference of opinion rationally and calmly, you’ve come to the right place.
3-You want to send me to a shrink !!! You are the one spewing out this bile
you are the one who set up an attention seeking site.
Check yourself in you sad child
ED
You actually found this FUNNY!
Don’t take it seriously-lighten up-onwards and upwards,do you attend the St. Trinians School of Journalism?
And finally,please don’t try to pass yourself off as a Geordie,WE don’t refer to OUR team as the black and whites,we like a laugh but don’t like piss-takers and you spell it NOWT.
This article demonstrates why an IQ test should be mandatory before you should be allowed to start your own website.
You should at least have a disclaimer at the top to tell everyone you’re an imbecile before we bother reading any further.
Jokes are meant to be funny.
“It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.”
Mark Twain
Doctor - I agree, a disclaimer towards the end would have been a good idea. I’ve done it for my earlier spoof pieces, no reason why I couldn’t have done it for this.
And the joke is funny - you just don’t find it so, which is your problem, not mine
The majority of these responses beg to differ…
See a diclaimer has appeared now Bile.
Bottle gone or has someone been in touch?
paul - reason prevailed
no one has been in touch, and it’s not going to stop me from doing such pieces if I want to in the future.
But clarifying the issue in the post itself seems sensible. I’d done that before, and not doing it this time aggravated matters.
I wanted it to be funny, not to hurt people.
[...] worry - unlike an earlier exclusive, this article does not involve [...]
[...] or nothing about his current situation. Martins - with all his problems - has a 13m clause and recently spoke of challenging for titles under Newcastle. Both strikers are central to Newcastle’s chances of challenging for a European spot next [...]