Many people admire Alex Ferguson. He is undoubtedly one of the best managers ever to have been involved in the game, and his record with Manchester United speaks for itself.

Unfortunately, Fergie himself also speaks; predominantly about referees. An unofficial (and made up) record to add to Fergie’s glimmering collection is that he is the first person in history to have complained about the referee over 300 matches in a row when Manchester United fail to take all three points.

That’s not even lose mind- just not win. Yesterday it was the referee’s fault when Wayne Rooney acted like a petulant child too- granted, the yellow card was harsh, but only a very naïve manager could blame the ref for Wayne’s reaction. Sir Alex, please learn some grace when things don’t go your way- the rest of use are used to much worse results. And remember the penalty you got against Bolton before you claim refs are biased against your team.

Spurs took the seemingly inevitable step this morning and got rid of Juande “the Thunderbirds Puppet” Ramos, although it is still not known if the news forced him to change his expression. Spurs have ploughed over £60 million into the team this year alone, and have previously bragged about signing the “new Zidane” (Adel Taarabt- 19 years old, 8 appearences, no goals) and splashing £4.5 million on “teenage sensation” Kevin-Prince Boateng (21 years old, a handful of appearances, recently rejected by Birmingham City).

As more and more people realise that going to Spurs can be less than healthy for your career (David Bentley take note), will ‘Arry still be able to work his magic? Personally I believe he can. Spurs should have a really good season from now on, and being such a big club, I genuinely think they should be able to avoid the drop. If they’re lucky.

UEFA President Michel Platini has once again proved he has the awareness of an ostrich with its head in the sand, after comments on England’s chances of ever winning the World Cup again. Whatever you may think of his overall view, there are obvious holes in his argument that there are “hardly any [English] players in the final stages of the Champions League”. Just to clarify Mr Platini, in last season’s Champions League final there were ten English players playing (compared with 3 Frenchmen). If you add super striker Emile Heskey to that, you’ve got a whole team. Isn’t that chip on you shoulder getting a bit heavy now?

It’s very easy to have a pop at Joey Barton. So I guess I may as well.

Literally days after promising Newcastle fans he wanted to start “earning his transfer fee” and that he wanted to become a role model for young people, Barton was seen kissing his badge to deliberately provoke Sunderland fans.

Don’t get me wrong; I think fans’ treatment of players can be disgusting, and there should be no place in football for missiles or even merciless verbal abuse. Just because fans pay money to be there, they shouldn’t be allowed to do whatever they want. However, after stating his grand intention, to immediately regress to the childish Joey we all know so fast does rather make you want to slap him round the face with a wet fish and tell him to grow up. On those sort of wages, it shouldn’t be too hard to ignore a bit of abuse without responding.

Finally, congratulations to title challengers Hull City, who have to be one of the best stories in football over the last five years or so. Allegedly Ronaldo is now hankering for a move there next summer, but that may very well just be a complete lie.

The Armchair Fan promises to bring you all the stories from the football world which you will have missed in the regular press – check them out at his website.

From Soccerlens.com - Football News

The world of football never ceases to provide gems of amusement to keep us all smiling.

Footballers are not known for their intelligence, but Didier Drogba has once again proved he is not a master of tact. After causing a stink in an interview a few years ago when he seemed to claim he was a diver (which, to be fair, could well have been a problem with language as much as anything else), this week he has announced he often struggles to concentrate for a whole hour and a half each week.

“It’s funny”, he says (I don’t see Abramovich who finances his extortionate weekly wage laughing), “because there are some times in a game when you don’t touch the ball for a while, and then you notice the crowd is there.” Bless you Didier. You’ve been a professional footballer for over nine years; had you really never noticed before? Should have gone to Specsavers.

In a week in which some hope finally returned to England fans after two consecutive better-than-average performances, Gary Megson was quick to curb the happiness of the supporters by threatening that big centre forward Kevin Davies could play for England one day.

Kevin is “a great lad to have around the place” according to Mr Megson, clearly showing sulky Michael Owen the error of his ways. It is currently unconfirmed whether Capello will also be calling up Lee Evans, Dermot O’Leary or Ricky Gervais.

Congratulations to Harry Redknapp, who celebrates 25 years in football management this weekend. ‘Onest ‘Arry is one of the few characters left in the game, and is a joy to watch in both his conferences and his TV debut on Panorama. A man with undeniable managerial ability, he has never ceased to provide entertaining and fast-paced football teams. The wheeler-dealer has been dubbed “the Arthur Daley” of football for his transfer record, which boasts the inspired purchases of Paulo Di Canio, Jermain Defoe, Sol Campbell, Sully Muntari, Nico Krancjar and Eyal Berkovic to name but a few.

Then again, he’s also bought Marco Boogers, Scott Minto, Titi Camara, David Nugent and Javier Margas. So he’s probably not quite David Dickinson yet.

There was mixed news for Arsenal fans this week; after a fantastic goalscoring performance by youngster Aaron Ramsey for Wales U21s in midweek, which won him plaudits from the managers of both teams and showed he may be able to step up to the senior team sooner rather than later, a dark cloud loomed over the starlet when veteran Craig Bellamy offered to become his role model. It seems Aaron took him up on his offer, as he was later seen leaving JJB Sports with a set of child-size golf clubs.

And finally, spare a thought for Xabi Alonso. In his last three league games a player has been sent off for a lunging tackle on him (Tim Cahill, Richard Dunne and now Antonio Valencia). Being assaulted three times in as many weeks is a bit much, even up in Liverpool.

The Armchair Fan promises to bring you all the stories from the football world which you will have missed in the regular press – check them out at his website.

From Soccerlens.com - Football News

The England team is a strange animal. They are some of the best-paid professionals in a game pretty much every bloke in this part of the world has played at some point of their lives, supported by tens of millions of fanatics, with the best kit, technology, and coaching staff money can buy.

There are one or two unwritten rules for England games however, which prevent the team reaching the potential fans seem certain they have before every average performance.

Firstly, however dismal the opposition, we will not slaughter them. Germany played San Marino in 2006 and won 13-0; this is not the English way. With the money the players earn for each game, it would be stupid to offend an entire nation by thrashing their finest eleven- suppose one of the team wanted to go on holiday there later? For this reason, it is altogether more intelligent (not to mention polite) to just brush minor teams aside. With this in mind, we make efforts not to score more than two against teams like Andorra, and kindly fail to score at all in Macedonia and other cheap tourist destinations.

Secondly, players who dazzle most weekends in the Premiership will go out of their way to look average on the world stage. Take Ashley Cole for example. Knowing all other left back options have been unmitigated disasters (Wayne Bridge against Croatia last year anyone?), he’d be stupid to wear himself out playing for his part-time teammates, and would do far better to relax a bit midweek and concentrate on his game at Chelsea. Not that he’s been particularly dazzling there recently either, but at least he hasn’t been quite so careless.

Thirdly, no matter how easy it will probably be to score if they try, England teams will insist on playing the possession game on the half way line, without really trying to go forwards too much. Everyone knows how Arsenal are respected for their ball-retention. What better way to show your credibility on the world stage than to pass it endlessly around your back four, with the opposition never even getting near the ball!? Obviously Arsenal do it over a bit more of the park, but we can build up to that slowly.

Linked into this is the default game- pumping a long ball up to Rooney (5’10”) or Emile Heskey when it gets a bit desperate. The possession on the half way line may be a good way to come off at the end and point knowingly at a statistic saying we had 73% of the ball, but inevitably at some point we’re going to have to give the fans what they want and at least pretend to be trying to score. It’s a lot quicker to ignore the midfielders and just hoof it up to the forwards. It may not always work, but at least we don’t have to think about it. Hurrah.

Finally though, there is the most important rule for an England player, England fan, or member of the press: England is just a hair’s breadth away from being the best team in the world. They must be, they’re English. Ignoring previous tournaments where semi-finals were considered appropriate and quarter-final exits a disgrace, England has the best league in the world (you don’t have to have actually seen others to know this), is the “home of football”, and is therefore able to be the best team. The only thing holding us back is normally managerial incompetence, overpaid lazy players or dirty defensive tactics by our opponents. You cannot mention our tactical naivety on the ball, or our general lack of cutting edge in the opposition half- we are obviously one of the best, because we’d really like it if we were.

Supporting England is a strange game. It’s often boring, often heart-breaking, and you normally reckon you could do a better job yourself. But every now and then they score four or five, and you get that little bit of hope up again. Come on England!

The Armchair Fan promises to bring you all the stories from the football world which you will have missed in the regular press – check them outat his website.

From Soccerlens.com - Football News

The F.A. have announced that lucky punters will be able to buy common sense by the bag from their headquarters as of this Saturday, after they have decided no one in the football world has any use for it any more.

With the backdrop of multi-billionaire takeovers, Djibril Cisse’s haircuts and Alan Hansen’s “technical analysis”, the football world has recently become steadily madder, with the result that the common sense left over from the days when men were men is completely unused and is gathering dust in a basement.

Alex Ferguson, never normally one to be biased (ABU fans please note the sarcastic tone of this article before taking this statement as my serious opinion), is respected throughout the game for his record and dedication to chewing gum, but even such a wise old head was unable to engage his brain before mouthing off about the head referee Keith Hackett to the subtle occasion that is a press conference. Labelling the officiating body biased against his team, he casually ignored every dodgy penalty which has broken the deadlock at Old Trafford for his team, and even managed to lull Bolton’s Jlloyd Samuel into thinking he may be allowed to challenge Ronaldo fairly in the box.

Sheffield United only come across vaguely sensible due to the fact that the disciplinary side of the game is even more ridiculous. Apart from randomly deciding Carlos Tevez was worth just them amount to West Ham which would have kept them up, they failed to point out one of their own ex-players, Steve Kabba, had been prevented from playing for Watford against them in a game they won 1-0 (also therefore worth three points) by an arrangement as sinister as Tevez’s never-induced buy-out clause. Their players now feel they can sue for lack of earnings, after a tribunal (in which may I point out, each team actually chooses a judge!! Only in football…) found West Ham liable for Sheffield’s awful performances at the end of the season.

Then there are referees. It is one thing flagging for a marginal offside, but giving a goal where the ball went wide is a new low. It would only be fair then for the game to be replayed, which, admirably, Reading manager Steve Coppell offered to do. This wasn’t allowed by the authorities however, which therefore implies the goal that never was had less of an effect on the final result than when West Ham fielded an illegible player (Emanuel Omoyinmi, if you’re asking) for the last 5 minutes against Aston Villa in the cup and had to replay it. Needless to say, Omoyinmi never touched the ball, but it was important enough for a replay.

Arsene Wenger has also proved he is mad after giving his players motivational letters before a game. Described by my old dad as “nonsense on stilts”, Arsene genuinely seemed to think that players such as William Gallas and Cesc Fabregas would run that little bit harder with the words of the sharply-penned epistle ringing in their ears. He may have had more chance if he’d sent them each a text, but that is not the point. Players should not need to be told things such as “always want more” (especially if Steven Reid and a pork pie are in earshot) and if they don’t receiving a letter telling them to is unlikely to change anything. You only have to see them with their agents at contract time to know that is exactly what they were thinking anyway.

But maybe the stupidest thing of recent times is the endless debate about goal-line technology. It seems daily that balls are adjudged to have crossed or not crossed the line when everyone else in the entire stadium thought the opposite, but still the F.A. refuse to bring in goal line technology, and even had the audacity to smugly let us know they’d trialled having extra linesmen at the goalmouth to give another pair of eyes. The world and his dog could tell you we just need a camera, a screen, the fourth official, and the ability to give the correct decision at the next break in play; but the football authorities know better. We’re not demanding robot referees, micro-chipped footballs or divine intervention. We’d just like a decent game of football, and the FA to put up just two more cameras.

Is it asking too much?

The Armchair Fan promises to bring you all the stories from the football world which you will have missed in the regular press – check them out at his website.

From Soccerlens.com - Football News

It’s a strange job owning a football club.

You are expected to invest millions of pounds (or roubles, or dollars or Emirati dirham) into something which is still the assumed property of hundreds of thousands of often-drunken, often-abusive, often-tattooed supporters who have no idea about the behind-the-scenes workings of a football club.

Despite the massive investments, you are also not allowed to do anything which may give you any sort of return in case said supporters label you “money-grabbing” and accuse you of turning “their” club into a business (despite the fact it already was when you took over).

You are to invest still more in bringing in the best players and manager you can find, with the problem that, if you do, you will always have to continue, or, if you don’t, you are labeled “tight” and unambitious. Supporters will vocally extend their outrage when you try to raise money from them by changing kits every week, but will complain more loudly still if you don’t invest at least as much as last time at each transfer window in the hope of breaking into the top four (who, incidentally, could sell one player and use the funds to buy your squad).

The rights and wrongs of this situation are there for argument; they are not the point of this article.

The point is, as much as you may have invested or arranged for investment, it is the supporters who inevitably feel the need to tell you when to go.

Supporters love a good protest. Newcastle fans like to stage one before every home game – apparently the clapping and chanting really warms up your shirtless body. Liverpool fans are annoyed at the board’s failure to build a new stadium and want them out after just months in charge of the club; the toilets at Anfield are in a shocking state and no amount of Robbie Keanes or Spanish wonderkids are going to change that.

Manchester United Plc fans have got all their protesting stuff in Gary Neville’s garage waiting for an excuse to protest against their businessmen owners the Glazers, but are just going to wait until they stop winning titles before they use them. They will then trot out the old line that they don’t care about success on the pitch – Man Utd is a family club (albeit a family who lives in Essex and generally doesn’t attend their games) and should not be run by men who aren’t prepared to go bust for the cause.

Everton fans are also pissed off about their stadium, and are livid that their owners haven’t built a new one yet; evidently the credit crunch hasn’t taken effect for much of Liverpool yet, and the costly expectations have even led to Bill Kenwright attempting to raise funds by selling half The Park End at auction on the TV programme Cash In The Attic.

Some West Ham fans were rumoured to be considering a protest after the official confirmation of Gianfranco Zola as manager, due to the new boss once having played for Chelsea. They will presumably also be writing to Roy Keane, Paul Ince, Steve Bruce and Mark Hughes, demanding they resign from their respective clubs as they once quite enjoyed playing for Man United.

All seem odd to someone who doesn’t feel the loving passion of a fan of any of the clubs mentioned.

The real victims here are Aston Villa. Since being taken over by Randy Lerner, the club have done pretty well – they have a good manager, they have bought good young talent and play entertaining, attacking football. Some fans feel this has removed their God-given right to complain, and will be staging a protest before the game against Tottenham about the lack of problems with the club.

“Yes, we’ve had a few injury niggles recently,” said Steve Fowler, the head of the unofficial Aston Villa Fans’ Forum. “But nothing like West Ham’s injury crisis, or interesting like Man City’s takeover. We haven’t tried to sign Joey Barton or an ex-Birmingham player, we haven’t been promised a new stadium which never appeared and we haven’t started selling our best players- not for lack of trying though!”

“Basically everyone’s too damn happy, and it’s boring.”

Football club owners. You can’t live with ‘em… but otherwise, what would you talk about?

The Armchair Fan promises to bring you all the stories from the football world which you will have missed in the regular press – check them out at his website.

From Soccerlens.com - Football News

Dear Deidre,

My name is Bjorgolfur Gudmundsson. That’s bad enough – it takes me fifteen minutes to sign a cheque.

I am chairman of West Ham United. That’s even worse.

I moved to England in late 2006 with a friend, Eggy Magnusson. We rented a flat with a girl called Alice Pardew. She was a nice girl, but I knew immediately that living with her would be difficult- she just didn’t know DIY, and the flat was falling apart. I’d only been there a few days when I saw her bolt on a picture frame to the wall. It fell down four times, and each time she just tried again.

She had no idea what she was doing and frankly she embarrassed us. So we asked her to leave. It was sad.

Going through the stuff she’d left, we found letters from a Sheffield solicitor, claiming she’d stolen a couple of Argentinean vases we thought she’d inherited. To be honest though, we quite liked them, and wanted to keep them in the flat. So we flogged one to a major antiques dealer in Liverpool in case we had to settle a court case, and kept the other one (it was in better condition) to brighten up the lounge.

It was that which first attracted Alice. No, not the first one – Alice Curbishley, our new flatmate. Even though the flat was a tip we needed someone to share the rent with. Alice had lived in the area when she was younger and had always wanted to move back. I’ll be honest here, I had a crush on her. The idea of bringing her back to her family home seemed magical (and actually, there was no one else available).

It wasn’t great initially. She wanted to do the flat up nicely, so I stupidly gave her some money, and off she trotted to the shops. She didn’t have the best taste though, and a lot of stuff she bought broke immediately – she got a mat from Birmingham which tore within minutes. But a few bits and pieces were ok, and the Australian glue she got really did the trick a holding the place together. We even found a place in the fireplace for the Rio poker Alice Pardew had left!

As time went by, it got better and better living there. I’d realised Alice was actually a lovely looking girl. Yes ok, I’ll admit it: I got a crush on her. When she made the place look so good after the dump it had been before, who could blame me?

I let her settle in and get the flat sorted, and then I asked her out. It was amazing. We used to go out shopping together, her spending my money, but me not caring because I knew a girl like that needs to be spoiled. She got a lovely Welsh dragon for the front room, and also a nice Swedish model to make the hall look good. (Actually, I dropped it on the way back from the shops! I glued it back together without her knowing, but bits kept falling off it from then on….)

It was the perfect relationship. That was the problem, really. I didn’t want people to think Alice was with anyone but me. I got jealous of the attention Eggy got when people saw him and talking to her. I know he was a mate, but I had to ask him to move out. I wanted her all to myself. He was a bit resentful, but I didn’t care. I had Alice.

Then that went sour too. Without Eggy there to talk to, I realised how boring she was. I had got bored of her tastes in interior décor, and she only bought expensive crap which got in the way or broke when you looked at it. I ended up hiring a foreign girl called Nani to come in to clean, it got that bad!

The conversations became painful and laboured. To be honest, she wasn’t a charismatic sort of girl. I knew she had had a really long relationship with a guy called Charlton before me so I assumed she must have something to say for herself, but it was like talking to a piece of toast. I had loved inviting guests round before, but with boring Alice there the whole time I had real trouble entertaining them. They were clearly not enjoying it and they started to take me aside and tell me to throw her out. How could I do that though?! After all the problems there had been before she moved in, I’d have looked so ungrateful!

So I had to drive her out. It was cowardly, but it was the only way.

I decided to get rid of some of her stuff. She had this statue of a moose on the mantelpiece, and I flogged it to a guy in Sunderland. He was surprisingly keane actually – I’d always thought it was quite ugly. Alice didn’t like that.

Then a few days later I really hurt her – I rang the guy back and sold off a load of her CDs behind her back. I knew she didn’t have any others, but I got rid of them anyway – even some stuff by McCartney, her favorite Beatle. That did the trick.

She was wild. She said I’d gone behind her back and she couldn’t trust me any more. She couldn’t listen to music any more, and she felt like a stranger in her own home. She stormed out, and now I’m alone.

I’m not proud of it, but there it is. Now I’m lonely and I don’t know what to do. How do I get a really nice girl to like me? I can’t stand any more nutters. I’m just worried the nice girls are out of my league….

The Armchair Fan promises to bring you all the stories from the football world which you will have missed in the regular press – check them out at his website.

From Soccerlens.com - Football News

The Premiership woke up this morning to a lot of excitement.

Everton fans were celebrating breaking their transfer record, West Ham fans were incredulous that they had sold half their defence without replacing them, Liverpool fans were “overjoyed” at signing two foreign 18-year-olds to add to their increasing collection of foreign 18-year-olds, Newcastle were celebrating signing a new striker by having some good old northern speculation over the manager’s future, and Arsenal were incredulous that Arsene Wenger’s new sleeping pills had made him sleep through the entire transfer window.

The most emotion was at Chelsea though, with reports that overnight their fanbase had halved. While the fans from more than about 5 years ago are generally pretty solid, there have been more and more “loyal” supporters whistling nonchalantly and sidling up to Manchester.

After the cash splashed about by Manchester City’s new owners in alarming fashion (bids of over £30 million were made for European golden boys David Villa, Robinho, Dimitar Berbatov and Nigel Quashie), it seems some Chelsea fans have turned their back on Abramovich’s paltry £550 million plus investment over the past years in favour of the Abu Dhabi Investment Group.

“Roman put in about £600 million over 5 years,” said one former fan. “That’s £120 million a year. These new guys have spent over £30 million in one day, just on players, so if you extrapolate…. I expect them to catch up in about a month or so. They have my support.”

It seems many other fans have been drawn, moth-like, to the City of Manchester Stadium. Supporters have been noticed outside wearing blue Wright-Phillips shirts which look suspiciously like Chelsea kits with a new badge drawn over the top.

Scarves and hats have had “Chelsea” crossed out and “City” written on instead, while groups of “City” fans have been seen huddling together swearing never to mention their May trip to Moscow again.

Fans who had just bought Chelsea shirts with “Robinho” on the back under the impression he would be arriving at Stamford Bridge were looking very smug and telling people they had bought them “for a joke” and that they had really supported City for years.

Problems did not arise, however, until parts of SW3 were removed from London and dumped just outside Cheetham Hill by a lorry. There are also reports that Chelsea Pensioners have negotiated a move up north too, which would be likely to lead to Manchester commandeering the Chelsea Flower Show and a small portion of the Thames as well.

“It’s just not fair,” said one Manchester resident. “There are so many southerners round here now my kids are starting to lose their accent. On reflection though, that may not be such a bad thing….”

When questioned about the attitude of the cash-loving supporters, Phil Scolari just shrugged.

“Fans are like women,” he said. “Splash some money around and they’ll come running. But when your next door neighbour moves in and parks his Ferrari on the drive, you can be sure her thoughts will wander.”

The Armchair Fan promises to bring you all the stories from the football world which you will have missed in the regular press – check them out at his website.

From Soccerlens.com - Football News

‘Onest ‘Arry Redknapp appears to be feeling the pinch of the credit crunch. Obviously Lord Stevens’ enquiry into bung-taking in football found no evidence he was anything other than an upstanding member of the football community, but in a summer in which Portsmouth’s transfers have been limited, possibly he has struggled with an income below what he is used to.

For whatever reason though, it seems his wife Sandra has been forced to find employment to keep the couple’s caviar stock replenished.

Harry has been talking her up to the Daily Mail, boasting that she would be able to do Phil Scolari’s job at Chelsea. Commenting “my wife could go and buy Kaka,” Redknapp implied all you have to do in football with a multi-billionaire on your side is to write a few cheques, possibly adding “you know what women are like – you send them out for Kaka and they come back with most of Barcelona, a Bayern left-winger and a keeper from Monaco too. She’ll only play them all once, then claim they’re ‘out of fashion’ and bin them. Or sell them to Hull, anyway.”

Harry’s comments are strange, given his attack on Fabio Capello for England’s poor performance in midweek. While he praised the visitors’ defence (“I haven’t seen a Czech that big since I got West Ham to sign all the crap Liverpool players who had my son as their agent….”) he lambasted the team’s woeful play, thereby suggesting there is far more to management than having good players. However, despite this seeming contradiction, he remains certain Mr Abramovich would have done as well to appoint ‘er indoors instead of Mourinho in the first place.

Harry’s claims have not gone unnoticed, with rumours that Liverpool see Mrs Redknapp as their best bet for a credible title challenge. Although initially planning to postpone it until next season, owner George Gillett has apparently been sounding her out about a possible role as assistant manager to help perpetual league failure Rafa Benitez.

“I like Rafa’s ideas,” said Mr Gillett in an exclusive interview, “but he needs a helping hand, bless him. Who the hell rests Gerrard for an away game at Portsmouth!?”

Given the esteem in which he holds Mrs Redknapp, the move is likely to go though within the next few weeks.

“Ignoring Javier Margas, Marco Boogers, Rigobert Song, Titi Camara and David Nugent, Harry Redknapp has always had an eye for talent. If he says she’s good enough, she could be just what we need. She’ll show Rafa how to spend money, without wasting it on feckless French and Spanish youngsters who aren’t even any good at carrying on the drinks. I mean, Anthony le Tallec!? Why??”

The prospect of a woman in charge at Anfield brings other possibilities as well, not least for the disciplinary side of the club.

“I’d love to see Jamie Carragher sent to his room for bad language,” said Mr Gillett, an ambassador for fair play. “As for this diving business – well, if the lads all came in with mud stains on their shirts, I’m sure there would be hell to pay.”

Sandra Redknapp herself is dubious.

“Yes, I probably could manage Liverpool,” she admitted. “But I don’t know if Red is my colour.”

Harry refused to rate his wife’s skills above his own however, making it clear that without the cash he was the better boss. “I love looking around for loans and free transfers,” he said. “I really enjoy that side of the job, because that is real managing.”

Anyone who saw Portsmouth’s ‘performance’ against Chelsea on Sunday will not be surprised to hear he made no mention of tactical nous, physical preparation or motivational encouragement in his job description.

The Armchair Fan promises to bring you all the stories from the football world which you will have missed in the regular press – check them out at his website.

Studs Up

From Soccerlens.com - Football News

An astonishing leaked interview with former England boss Steve “Umbrella” McClaren has made it clear to British football authorities that the man they entrusted with England’s dismal Euro 2008 qualifying campaign was in fact a Dutch spy, sent in to sabotage English football.

The interview (shown below) is thought to have been taken when McClaren was relaxed and off guard, unaware of his English audience.

He is shown speaking with his natural Dutch accent, only occasionally slipping into the pretend northern dialect he adopted during his days at Manchester United.

Steve McClaren Interview:

“We’re fuming,” said Brian Barwick (with a capital ‘B’). “The bloody Dutch did us twice – first they sent him to learn the secrets of football from the altar that is Old Trafford, and then they got him to wreck our chances at qualifying for the Euros. If I didn’t have a ridiculous moustache, you’d see my upper lip quivering in anger.”

It is believed the plot was begun after Shearer, Sheringham and co. whipped the Netherlands team 4-1 at Euro ’96. McClaren was appointed assistant manager at Manchester United in December 1998, having spent two years perfecting a northern accent and a wrinkled yet child-like demeanour, so as to pass under the radar.

Having spent five years pretending to manage at Middlesbrough, Dutch authorities elevated his status by plying him with talented Dutch players like Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink, and fixing two UEFA Cup games to let Boro come back from seemingly hopeless positions to reach the final on Dutch soil, in Eindhoven.

With the ability to win two cup games in a row making him the stand-out candidate for an “English” successor to Sven Goran Eriksson, McClaren was put in charge of the nation’s 2008 hopes, and duly conspired to wreck them.

On the 15th November 2006, with England leading the Dutch 1-0 in the last fifteen minutes, McClaren responded to the calls of his fatherland; he immediately subbed on Kieron Richardson, with the inevitable result that England conceded. Rafael Van der Vaart stroking home from ten yards with four minutes to go, and English morale was shattered.

From then on, he used the team’s low self esteem to churn out mind-numbingly poor performances, both failing to qualify, and, in the case of corners, consistently failing to clear the first man. Selections such as Michael Johnson and Wayne Bridge reduced the England team to a laughing stock, and Steve stepped down in November last year with revenge duly gained for his Dutch homeland.

Steve spent a sabbatical touring the windmills of the world, and then took a cushy coaching job back in Holland, with a large pension and a contented smile.

“Yes, I’d always suspected something,” said John Terry, wise after the event. “There were just a few too many tulips around the place. And who comes to training by canal!?”

Mr McClaren is now thought to be the cause of the credit crunch, global warming, and the Cillit Bang adverts as well.

The Armchair Fan promises to bring you all the stories from the football world which you will have missed in the regular press – check them out at his website.

From Soccerlens.com - Football News

The English Premier League has never been known for a lack of discipline, even when Robbie Savage was in it. While discussions rage about the ability of officials to control matters on the field, fans should never doubt the impossibility of the situation facing them.

You only have to look away for an instant and a centre midfielder will have rolled a free kick five yards forwards, and for some inexplicable reason corner takers delight in placing the ball just outside the semi-circle, despite gaining no discernible advantage.

Match officials can be forgiven some things. They are under pressure, make snap decisions and suffer abuse from foul-mouthed fans and players.

The Premier League is another matter, though. They sit in swanky offices in Lancaster Gate, paid better than Harry Redknapp’s agent (or probably not, actually…) and are paid for looking after something they love: football. Their decisions are not made in an instant (allegedly), and if we were to pass a Premier League official in the street we wouldn’t even know to address our abuse to him.

This is why it is possible to accuse them of flagrant double standards without making excuses.

On Sunday referee Mark Clattenburg was removed from officiating over the Community Shield final because, essentially, he was in debt.

Take one step back from your initial abusive reaction to a referee – yes, he may have made a few blunders in the past (just ask Everton fans about the Merseyside derby last October) — but this was a man punished on the off chance that he had done something wrong. The integrity of referees is clearly important, and any suggestion they may have been influenced by money worries is clearly inappropriate.

However, the FA were more than happy here to make a preemptive strike and remove him from action.

Manchester City is owned by billionaire Thaksin Shinawatra, whose government in Thailand was continually accused of corruption, treason, conflicts of interest, tax evasion, and hostility towards freedom of speech. He has even been accused of human rights violations, including extrajudicial killings, is due to stand trial for corruption and is the subject or a warrant for arrest.

Let it be clear now that none of these allegations have been proved. However, while Premier League chiefs confirm they are prepared to ask Shinawatra to undergo the fit and proper person test (which itself is a long way from passing it), they haven’t already. They don’t mind what he does, until they are forced to question it by popular pressure. Which, as you may have noticed, is the complete opposite of their attitude to Clattenburg.

We live in a world where money and influence talks. Fans feel happy yelling foul mouthed curses at players because they pay money to sit in the stands, but go running to the police when footballers dare reply. Spectators loudly question the linesman’s parentage as a matter of course, but when an official makes an honest mistake he can be relegated to the division below.

That is the fans; it may not be ideal, but it is at least understandable.

The FA and EPL is a different matter though. To allow someone as much free reign as possible if they have money, while simultaneously punishing another for something far less serious which probably won’t even affect his performance, is childish. Yes, the rules surrounding referees are there for a reason. With them, though, the rules are strictly enforced, whereas with more influential individuals, the rules are an inconvenience they hope no one will point out.

Unfortunately, money talks. Just ask Sam Allardyce.

The Armchair Fan promises to bring you all the stories from the football world which you will have missed in the regular press – check them out at his website.

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From Soccerlens.com - Football News