FT: What can I say? Liverpool completely outplayed Besiktas from start to finish! It was almost a Tom Huddlestone vs. A room of pies situation. There was only ever going to be one winner. That’s it from me… I’m off to bed. Have a good night. Watch some porn before you sleep. It will relax you after the adrenalin pumping Liverpool performance.

90 Mins: Four Minutes extra time announced, but the ref takes pity on Besiktas and blows the whistle! What a performance from the Reds! I think I’m the only one that predicted 8-0. (I may or may not have changed my prediction after every goal.)

88 Mins: GOOOALLLL!!! THERES THE RECORD!!! 8 Nil! The brilliant Israeli Benayoun places an inch perfect cross for Crouch who steers it expertly past the keeper with his head.

87 Mins: Babel completely ignores the offside flag and races past Ankan. Cisse gives him a kick for his trouble.

84 Mins: Finally Besiktas have a shot on target. Bobo’s header is saved by Reina. Babel than gets a chance to get his hat trick. Instead he heads the ball firmly against the cross bar. All he had to do was to keep his header down. Liverpool need a goal to break the Champions League record.

80 Mins: GOAALL!!! Carragher pumps it forward, Diatta misses it in the air and the other defender manages to hoick it onto Babels arse. The ball loops over Ankans head. Babel’s delighted.

78 Mins: GOOOAALLLL!!! Lovely football from Liverpool. Kewell gets the ball on the wing, plays it to Riise who plays it wide to Benayoun on the right who cuts it back to Babel who back heels home! Fantastic!

78 Mins: Ricardinho on for Mehmet

76 Mins: Kewell decides to follow Riise’s example. He smashes the ball into the stands. I remember Kewell being a fine player when the dinosaurs were here… No idea what happened to him after that.

74 Mins: Riise starts showboating. A long range effort sails miles over. It’s like Lampard for England, except Liverpool don’t suck.

71 Mins: Subs. For Liverpool. Voronin comes off for Kewell, Lucas on for Gerrard. What a performance from those two today. Didn’t I say Voronator is brilliant (hint: I didn’t)

68 Mins: GOAALLLLL!!! t’s carnage! A one two Voronin and Gerrard smashes it home. Humiliation for the Turks. It’s like the Crusades again (If you’re reading a text book written by some British guy. The Turks reckon they won those.)

64 Mins: Two fantastic saves from Ankan. First Gerrard races clear of Diatta and Ankan sticks his hand out to save it. It falls outside the box to Babel, who absolutely hammers it towards goal. The shocked Ankan scrambles across to tip it wide. The corner is wasted.

62 Mins: Sub for Besiktas and Liverpool. Higuain on for … someone. Aurelio comes off for Babel. Seems like Benitez has a thing against the Turks.

58 Mins: Markus Merk takes pity on Besiktas. A hand ball in the box is not given.

Just before that, there was a brilliant piece of football from Liverpool. A through ball was played to Gerrard who raced away down the wing and placed in a low cross, which Crouch miscued past the post. Shocking Miss! Lucky for him it was offside.

55 Mins: GOOOAAALLL!!! Hat Trick for Benayoun. Powerful free kick from Gerrard, which Ankan can’t hold onto and Benayoun gleefully tucks it away. 4-0 to Liverpool!

52 Mins: GOOOAAALLL!!!! Benayoun again. Voronin dribbles into the middle, plays a cute ball to Riise, who absolutely hammers it at Ankan, who palms it to Benayoun who strokes it home.

49 Mins: Gerrard races for the ball, as does goalkeeper Ankan. Ankan gets there first and gets a boot in his neck as his prize. Free Kick.

48 Mins: The commentators are laughing at the Turkish League. They follow up the chuckles with “No disrespect to the Turkish League”, followed by more chuckles. Charming.

46 Mins: And here we go.

Mistake! For the second goal, it wasn’t Riise that crossed, it was Voronin.

Half time report: Phew! It’s tough this Live update thing. Liverpool have outplayed Besiktas completely thus far. I’ve had more competitive sessions on PES6 with my 6 year old sister.

45 Mins: Riise hoofs the ball forward. Crouch flicks it on, and the (surprisingly) dynamic Voronin flicks outmuscles two Besiktas defenders and heads it towards Benayoun. The ball won’t come down though, and the defense easily block his shot. And with that… Half time.

44 Mins: Free Kick to Liverpool. Close marking on Voronin, leads to a foul about 35 yards out. Gerrard smashes the effort wide. Very Lampard-esque.

40 Mins: Benayoun smashes it into the crowd. Good move by Liverpool. Good interchange between Gerrard and Voronin before Benayoun decides that the man in the stands deserved to have his face smashed in. He misses.

37 Mins: Gerrard almost powers past Diatta, but Diatta gets a vital touch. Crouch shoots into the defender, and Besiktas clear.

35 Mins: Unlucky for Besiktas, replays show that the throw in came off Riise. Still, a corner for them. Which is wasted. Easily cleared by Liverpool.

31 Mins: GOOOAALLL!!! Benayoun! 2-0! Riise races clear on the throw, has one man to aim for in the center. Finds Benayoun, who controls superbly before smashing it past the Besiktas Goalkeeper.

29 Mins: Arbeloa loses the ball on the wing but wins it back straight away. Charges into the box, but instead of going for it, he squares to Voronin who blasts it straight into the defender. Shocking. Besiktas follow up with an attack… and by attack I mean a crap cross that is easily handled by Hyppia.

28 Mins: Diatta takes it off Crouch as he shapes to shoot. You’d think with his legs he could reach the ball before anyone. I guess not.

24 Mins: Crouch seems to have gained a load of confidence following his goal. Tries to smash in a ball from a Maniche like angle. Wide.

23 Mins: Gerrard tries to play a through ball to Benayoun. It gets tangled in Banayouns legs.

21 Mins: Corner for Liverpool. Arbeloa’s long range effort (cross) is tipped over by the goal keeper. The corner is met by Riise’s massive head. And cleared off the line.

19 Mins: GOOOAALLLL!!! Peter Crouch gets a one on one with a keeper, who makes a decent save. He strokes the follow up into the back of the net.

17 Mins: The ball comes off Diatta for a… goal kick. Crouch’s long legs seemed to have distracted the linesman. Gisele Bundchen + long legs = hot. Crouch + long legs = Spidery freak.

13 Mins: Good work by Arbeloa, he cuts it back to Benayoun who sticks his leg out and skews the ball onto the post. Liverpool look dangerous. Someone from Besiktas got a yellow a couple of minutes ago for charging into Mascherano.

10 Mins: Great ball by Benayoun, who plays in Arbeloa. The Right Back rampages forward, before a poor final touch means he loses the ball. He charges into Diatta out of frustration.

7 Mins: Quick Free Kick, Riise Crosses and the Crouchatron misses a good chance with his head. He heads it about a foot wide. Who cares if a big player has a good touch if they can’t head the frickin’ ball?

4 Mins: Voronin misses Liverpools first chance. Crouch heads it down, although he didn’t know much about it and Voronin waited before he took the shot and slammed it wide. Expected. Voronator my arse. If the Terminator were so pathetic… Than we wouldn’t have had to watch the crap that was Terminator 2 (Or 3)

2 Mins: Early Chance for Besiktas, Memet squeezes past Carragher and knocks the ball just past the post.

1 Mins: And we’re off

Hello All, Welcome to Soccerlens live coverage of Liverpool’s do or die Champions League Round 4 match vs. Besiktas at Anfield.
To communicate with me, just post in the comments. Than any comment that I like (ie that praises me) gets mentioned on the main post. You might as well praise me, y’know. Seeing that if you don’t, I’ll just make up imaginary quotes.

OK. So About 20 mins. to kick off.

Rafa gives the Crouchatron a rare start, who starts up front with Voronin. Dirk Kuyt has been dropped to the bench.

The Liverpool side is: Reina, Arbeloa, Carragher, Hyypia, Riise, Benayoun, Aurelio, Mascherano, Captain Steven Gerrard, Voronin, Crouch.
Subs: Martin, Finnan, Kewell, Torres, Kuyt, Babel, Lucas.

Besiktas: Hakan Ankan, Serdar Kurtulus, Mehmet Sedef, Delgado, Bobo, Diatta, Cisse, Ibrahim Uzulmez, Serdar Ozkan, Koray Avci, Ibrahim Toraman.
Subs: Rustu Recber, Mehmet Yozgatli, Higuain, Ricardinho, Ali Tandogan, Ibrahim Kas, Batuhan Karadeniz.

I stand by my prediction 4-2 to the Pool. And here we go with those Heineken Ads.

Join us 15 minutes before kickoff (20:45 GMT) as we cover Liverpool’s fight to stay in the Champions League live here on Soccerlens.

Aah! Another fine night of Champions League football. Watching giants of football stick 7 goals past helpless defenses from countries that you didn’t know existed really livens up a boring day.

And so we head to Anfield for the next round of the Champions League group stages.

Match Information:

Liverpool vs Besiktas
Anfield Stadium
Tuesday 6th November 2007
Kickoff: 20:45 GMT

Liverpool v Besiktas Preview

Last seasons losing finalists were expected to stroll through a group widely considered to be the most easiest handed to the English teams. Porto (After losing their best defender to Real Madrid), Besiktas (Galatasaray’s Turkish b*tch) and Marseille (currently festering in the relegation zone of Ligue 1, unsurprising seeing that their strike force is spearheaded (I don’t even know if you can call it spearheaded… Maybe… a really, really blunt spear… Made out of rubber… Old rubber) by Liverpool reject Djibril Cisse.).

In all likelihood this was supposed to be the match in which Rafa Benitez could indulge in a rotation orgy, climaxing by bringing on Jack Hobbs of the youth side. Sadly football doesn’t work out the way (Liverpool) fans want it to, and today’s match is do or die for the reds. Stuck at the bottom of the group with a single point to show for their first three games, Liverpool require a run of three straight wins to ensure qualification. A loss today and it’s all over.

With a porous looking defense, led by an apparent early sufferer of Alzheimer’s Sami Hyppia (Because he forgot how to defend! Get it? *Chortles at my own wit*), and Jamie Carragher’s sudden urge to rugby tackle anyone in the box (Sooner or later, someone (Hopefully the ref) has to see it). It seems Liverpool won’t be winning it by means of a clean sheet.

Maybe their midfield? Except for the fact that their silken playmaker Xabi Alonso is injured, and has been replaced by Momo Sissoko, who’s only similiarity to Patrick Vieira is that he’s big and black (Racism!!!).

No problem than, they still have one of the finest young strikers in the world in Fernando Torres… except that he’s touch and go for the match, and the last time he was rushed back from injury he looked off the pace. But than there’s the Crouchatron. Well… Yes. If Benitez decides to play him. Which he probably won’t, due to his affection for what I can only assume is his love child, Dirk Kuyt. My only guess is that Crouch is dating Benitez daughter and he caught them going at it. That’s the only logical answer. (By the way… Is Elsa Benitez related to Rafa in any way? If she is… Rafa has the greatest genes… EVER)

But it’s not all bad for Liverpool. Their skipper Steven Gerrard has been in inspirational form, despite his fetish for Hollywood long balls and pot shots over the bar, when he’s on form (like now) Gerrard is one of the best (If not the best) midfielders in Europe. He has shown over the last three years, that he can sigle handedly lift a side (Liverpool) to victory, even when he’s surrounded by inept fools like Djimi Traore, Igor Biscan and Dirk Kuyt (Harsh I know).

As For Besiktas… They come from Turkey… they have just lost two games in a row… One of their defenders (Gokhan Zan) is injured.

As far as the head to head record between the sides is concerned. Besiktas are ahead. They’ve played each other once, with Besiktas winning 2-1. However, Liverpool have never lost to a Turkish outfit at Anfield, and so should fancy their chances.

My Prediction: 4-2 to Liverpool. I reserve the right to change this prediction, because I’m the writer. And I hate to be wrong. That is all.

Except it’s not. Soccerlens (ME!!!) will be covering this fixture live from 19:45 GMT. Be here, or be… somewehere else. I don’t really care. Except I do. Please come and read the live commentary here. It’ll be enjoyable, like look at my Sami Hyppia joke! Comedy Gold! If you come here, you can look forward to an entire 2 hours (almost) of brilliant side splitting comedy (Check Sami Hyppia joke, if you still need convincing).

From Soccerlens.com - Football News

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Thursday, 20th September

Today Jose Mourinho got sacked. I can’t say I’m shocked in fact, I’m quite happy about it. He wasn’t English enough and didn’t understand the “English way”. He even had the gall to criticize me and Johnno when we went out for a beer before the Rosenborg game. Questioning our desire… pfft. Stupid pompous Portuguese prick.

Despite his lack of Englishness, some players don’t seem to have handled his leaving well. Those two African fellows seem to be down in the dumps, along with Frank (Although I have no clue why…). The players that are happy to see the back of him are me and Johnno obviously, along with some fellow named Andriy. He’s supposedly been at Chelsea for a year and a bit now, although I can honestly say I have no recollection of him. Still, I’m sure all the lads will cheer up when they meet our new manager.

Hopefully we can get a real manager in. An English manager. I shall personally go and talk to Roman about bringing in an English manager. Maybe we can get Neil Warnock.

Friday, 21st September

I can’t believe it! I’m so angry I can barely write this. Except I have to. At 30 I plan to release my second autobiography. It will chronicle the rise of my career at Chelsea, from being a wet behind the ears left back at Arsenal to the next Maldini… I have decided to call it… Left Back. I think it’s a brilliant name. Because I’m a left back, see? I’m sure it will be a bigger commercial hit than my first one. It sold something like 4000 copies! I always knew I was a literary genius!

Anyway the reason I’m angry is that Roman had the gall to appoint a new manager without discussing it with me and the rest of the English lads. To make it worse, the manager is a freaky looking Frankenstein dude from Arabia or summat’. I told Roman’s secretary that I wasn’t impressed at Roman bypassing my opinion before appointing a new coach. She said that Roman would get back to me. He’d better. If he doesn’t I may have to consider leaving Chelsea. And with all the influence I have here… The whole club might fall apart… They might become the next Leeds. I’ll have to remind Mr. Abramovich about this when I see him.

That Diddy fellow is still crying in the corner clutching his Jose doll along with his Samsung phone and American Express card. He seems to be saying “why? why?”

Saturday, 22nd September

F**cking hell! Who does Roman think he is? He called me up and said that he doesn’t give a shit about my opinion and I should concentrate on my football! I was so angry I swerved off the road, “You’re taking the piss, Roman you smug Ruskie Bastard!” I screamed down the phone. Unfortunately he had put down the phone by then.

I got home in a fit of anger and kicked my GI Joe doll into the wall. Cheryl came and asked me was there anything she could do to help me relax. I smiled and said, “Off course.” and calmly took off my pants. Than I told her to run me a bath and get me a phone with Jermaine on the line. She looked disappointed. Wonder why? I must ask her.

After discussing whether it was better to wear a white or black suit with Jermaine (Obviously white is the best. So manly), I felt better and decided to go to training. When I got there, there was only that Diddy fellow sitting in the dugout crying. When I asked him where everyone was, he said the new manager had given us a holiday because he was fasting or summat’. So I got all angry again. I mean, I had to sit in my car, drive for 4 minutes to Stamford Bridge and this non-English fellow doesn’t even have the decency to tell me we’re not training? This is not on!

Sunday, 23rd September

I saw our new coach for the first time today. Weird looking fellow. As we started warming up, he said the way we were warming up was all wrong. He said the ideal way to warm up was to train and that all these stretches and stuff were a Moslem conspiracy designed to weaken the infidels. I have to say this fellow is deep.

We then proceeded to dribble through cones and play one touch football. I quite enjoyed myself and am confident of beating Manchester United later today.

Monday, 24th September

We lost. I couldn’t believe it. I played so well. I played my heart out but we still lost. Me and Johnno were absolutely superb but I feel the rest of the lads let us English lads down. Especially that Israeli fellow. Tal or whatever his name is. I told him he has a girls name but he just looked at me and laughed. I suppose the Israeli’s haven’t mastered the English language yet. After the match the new Arab coach or whatever, told us he expected a better performance from us in our next game. I screamed at him that he had no right to talk to the English fellows this way and he was taking the piss. He just looked at me with those bulbous eyes.

I was so angry, but seeing that I didn’t have my car I just charged into the wall. I think I may have hurt myself. There’s blood coming out of my ears.

Tuesday, 25th September

Luckily I’m OK. I think the most relieved of the Chelsea staff was Abraham Grant (Or whatever his name is). I think he knew that without me Chelsea’s title aspirations would fall apart. Wayne Bridge is a good left back, but he’s no Paolo Maldini, who himself is no Ashley Cole. Still he’s better than that French fellow at Arsenal. Get it? Arse-Anal!!! I’m also a comedic genius. I should get Jonathon to give Dave Chapelle a call… I’m sure I could write a couple of skits for him in my free time.

Wednesday 26th September

2:00 PM Today Cheryl told me she was disappointed with our married life and was looking to spice it up. She said perhaps we should buy “toys” for each other. I agreed. We decided to meet up back home in an hour. I went to Toys R Us and bought Cheryl a Playstation 3. It’s not really a toy but rather a way of life the salesman told me, but I bought it anyway. When I got home Cheryl was dressed in a tiny miniskirt and a bra. When I showed her my gift for her she seemed disappointed. That ungrateful bitch. She than showed me her toy which turned out to be a weird long… thing. When I asked her what the hell was I supposed to do with it, she said that it’s meant to be used on the most private of parts. I said I’d check it out and started to plug in my PS3. Cheryl got all huffy and left. I think she feels bad because it only comes with one controller.

5:00 PM I decided to go to the bathroom and look at Cheryl’s toy. At first I didn’t know what to do with it as it just kept squirming and shaking all over the place. Then I remembered that it was meant to be used on the most private part of the body and proceeded to try and shove it into my rectum…

Four words. GREATEST TOY EVER… ummm… really. Wait… is “ummm” a word? I must ask Cheryl. She hasn’t been home since this afternoon.

This article is a submission for the Soccerlens Football Writing Competition; to participate, please read the details here.

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