The summer of 1996. Football had come home, optimism was high. Terry Venables and his squad united the English public but as per usual it all petered out against the Germans. Gareth Southgate’s missed penalty broke the hearts of a nation, and yet it was all a bit more bearable because Germany had a player called Kuntz in their team!

A comedy name can bring joy or humiliation to fans (depending on whether he plays for your team or not), catch out an unwary commentator, or reduce you to tears of laughter. Take legendary Algerian midfielder Ars Bandeet, for instance, who is legendary because nobody is quite sure whether he ever existed rather than because of his footballing prowess. If indeed Ars Bandeet did boss a midfield somewhere in Algeria in the 1970s then he is undoubtedly one of football’s funniest ever names.

It is unsurprising that the lewd and rude provide a fruitful hunting ground for funny names. From the hermaphroditically-named Rod Fanni, via the his-and-hers pairing of former Newcastle winger Brian Pinas and Portuguese goalkeeper Quim, to the backstreet sex change offered by Paul Dickov. football has plenty of rude names. Paraguay veteran Francisco Arce is so at ease with his mildly amusing surname that he insisted on his first-name being shortened to Chiqui and wore ‘Chiqui Arce’ on the back of his shirt.

Then there are the downright profane. Former England international Segar Bastard played for Upton Park and England at the end of the 19th century. He then became a referee, although it is uncertain whether this is how the phrase Bastard in the black was coined.

Czech defender Milan Fukal was once linked with a move to Manchester City, but that never materialised and his career since has pretty much lived up to his surname.

Fucks, Scheidt, Daft, Fuchs. It might sound like a Sir Alex Ferguson half-time team-talk, but it is just a handful of players picked from our expletive-ridden list of names.

The schoolboy humour is endlessly entertaining and yet some of the funniest football names are the ones that come straight out of the leftfield. Footballers whose name consists of a euphemism for pornography and the son of God are pretty few and far between, but Hannover striker Bongo Christ ticks all the boxes.

And if you are blessed with the wonderfully unusual surname Conquest, why on earth call your son Norman? The only thing worse would be if they had named him ‘Jermain Defoe’s Latest Chinawhites’ instead. Conquest was an Australian goalkeeper who once faced England during the 1950s. 1066 and all that!

On the subject of cruel parents, Brazilian forward Creedance Clearwater Couto’s parents clearly had a wicked sense of humour and dodgy musical taste in equal doses as they named their son after their favourite band.

Former Kaiserslautern player Wolfgang Wolf famously managed Wolfsburg (now there’s a pack of wolves). When the time came to replace the Wolf, who better as a successor than Peter Pander?

African parents have always been more imaginative when it comes to naming their offspring, and this is an entire sub-genre in itself. But it would not be fair to complete a review of football’s funniest names without mentioning Danger Fourpence — who has a Facebook appreciation society -and Have-a-Look Dube.

Funny Football Player Names:

1. Stefan Kuntz
2. Chiqui Arce
3. Bongo Christ
4. Have-a-Look Dube
5. Ars Bandeet
6. Segar Bastard
7. Rafael Scheidt
8. Rod Fanni
9. Johnny Moustache
10. David Goodwillie
11. Danny Shittu
12. Johan de Cock
13. Milan Fukal
14. Quim
15. Brian Pinas
16. Bernt Haas
17. Uwe Fuchs
18. Two-Boys Gladstone Gamede
19. Wolfgang Wolf
20. Creedence Clearwater Couto
21. Norman Conquest
22. Danger Fourpence
23. Paul Dickov
24. Argelico Fucks
25. Harry Daft
26. Ruud Boffin
27. Mark De Man

Don’t forget to leave your suggestions to add to the list.

Also See: Funny Football Club Names, Footballer Nicknames

From Soccerlens.com - Football News

Most of us would swear we were watching 11 Wankas wandering around the park on a Saturday, but for fans of the world’s best known funny named team that definitely is the case. Peru’s Deportivo Wanka have developed a cult following, and some not unwelcome UK merchandise sales, on the basis of their name. One club official said: “It is very strange. Everyone in Britain seems to think we have a funny name.”

The club is named after the Wankas people who lived in the region but, perhaps understandably, were not introduced alongside the Incas in your primary school history lesson.

Staying with the theme, Swiss outfit Young Boys Berne have created an equal amount of masturbation-related jokes over the years. Being named after what sounds like a euphemism for a teenage medical condition is bad enough, but when you consider the side used to play at the Wankdorf Stadium the situation worsens a little for the team’s followers. There were probably not too many complaints when they moved to the less controversial Stade de Suisse in 2005.

Earlier this year, Roman Abramovich was apparently eager to splurge (I believe that is the correct verb) some of his billions on little known Zimbabwean outfit Wankie FC. Quite what he thought they were going to add to his footballing empire is not clear, but the fact the current owners are also in charge of a nearby coalmine probably holds the key.

Before we attempt to leave the filth behind we must mention Indonesia’s wonderfully onomatopoeic Semen Padang who, as far as we know, sadly never ran out of the tunnel at Wankdorf Stadium.

Moving swiftly on from teenage boys’ bedroom habits to their bathroom habits, and an Argentinian club that sounds like a piece of toilet wall graffiti. Chaco For Ever is the most humorous of a host of Argentine teams with English names, albeit forever is incorrectly spelt as two words. Newells Old Boys are arguably the most famous Argentine club with a distinctly British moniker.

The animal kingdom is also a useful source of funny football club names. Africa in particular is home to hundreds of mildly amusing creature-inspired clubs, so we are going to stick to the very pinnacle of this genre. Firstly, we have Sierra Leone’s Golf Leopards, which conjures up a wonderful image of a big cat in plus fours but on the surface has very little to do with football. Out of Barbados we have the Insurance Management Bears who succeed in sounding both depressingly boring and fiercely aggressive at the same time, like a footballing Russell Crowe.

And continuing the strange juxtaposition of aggressive animals and unusual images, we have the Playtime Tigers from Bahamas. Presumably depending on their mood either they turn up and maul you or else just chase each other round the pitch. And what do you do with your freshly mauled tiger victims? Pack them straight off to Botswana where the Botswana Meat Commission FC will take care of things as only they know how.

Which brings us neatly to that particular African country. Botswana, Botswana, Botswana — surely the Promised Land of funny football club names. In addition to the Meat Commission you can also expect to find Naughty Boys, Killer Giants, Golden Bush, Man Machine, Home Sweepers, and the shaving advert-esque Triple Action. And a host of other mildly amusing outfits.

Our next section of team names want to be intimidating but went a bit too far in their attempts to convey this. This particularly phenomenon appears to have its epicentre in Bolivia, which can boast The Strongest, Destroyers and Always Ready within its league. It would be interesting to hear the coach of Always Ready trying to play the old leave the opposition waiting on the pitch trick. How can you delay the kick-off when you are Always Ready? Their Argentinian neighbours are a little more self-deprecating and offer us Deportivo Moron instead!

So before concluding this rundown of football’s funniest club names it is probably worth doing a final sweep of Africa to pick up the last few odds and ends. Hearts of Oak are another of those well-known funny club names. However, if you were in Malawi on the lookout for shops selling giant ammunition you would think a trip to Total Big Bullets would be a good idea. Sadly you would arrive to find a football stadium and not a gun in sight. Another misleading name is Zimbabwe’s Motor Action whose players sound like they might be battery-powered. The more astute reader might have realised that this throws up the occasional Motor Action-Wankie crunch match! We finish with King Faisal Babies of Ghana. Hardly intimidating, the team sound like they might have been plucked from the local crèche. Good job they have a menacing nickname to make amends then — the Nokia boys.

Funny club names are in the eye of the beholder, of course. One man’s Deportivo Wanka is another man’s Leeds United (although that particular name has become funny in recent seasons too). But if you call yourselves Joe Public like the Trinidad and Tobago outfit then you are pretty much guaranteeing universal appeal!

The Funniest Football Club Names:

1. Deportivo Wanka
2. Young Boys Berne
3. Joe Public
4. Botswana Meat Commission FC
5. King Faisal Babies
6. Chaco For Ever
7. Playtime Tigers
8. Semen Padang
9. Insurance Management Bears
10. Killer Giants
11. Golden Bush
12. Man Machine
13. Triple Action
14. Home Sweepers
15. The Strongest
16. Naughty Boys
17. Always Ready
18. Destroyers
19. Deportivo Moron
20. Hearts of Oak
21. Golf Leopard
22. Wankie FC
23. Newells Old Boys
24. Total Big Bullets
25. Motor Action
26. Lov Ham

Don’t forget to leave your suggestions to add to the list.

Also See: Funny Football Player Names, Footballer Nicknames

From Soccerlens.com - Football News

Update: Yesterday Alan Shearer reiterated his desire to get into management as Bobby Robson endorsed his case for the soon-to-be-vacant Newcastle post. The following article, published on 6th September 2008, clearly highlights the folly of such a move.

Few clubs have supporters quite as adept at knowing who they want to be their next manager as Newcastle United. Then again, few clubs give their supporters quite as much practice as Newcastle United.

The hugely unpopular departure of Kevin Keegan has left Mike Ashley in a sticky situation where he needs to make an appointment to appease the fans. The Toon Army love an old boy, they love a local lad, and they loved the connection that Keegan had with the club. That is why Alan Shearer seems like the perfect candidate for everyone involved.

But before the cries for Wor Alan get too loud, somebody needs to throw a bucket of cold Newcastle Brown on the fans. Alan Shearer is the worst possible manager of Newcastle United Football Club at the moment and for the foreseeable future.

There are not too many jobs in football at which you get a second chance. Keegan was an exception because he left the post the first time still popular with the fans, but not everybody is so lucky.

Shearer is 38 and has never managed another football club. Does he really want to rule himself out of his dream job before he reaches his managerial peak? There are the Jurgen Klinsmann’s of this world who have proven that young coaches can have immediate success, but again these are the exceptions.

Aside from how Shearer will adjust to management, there must also be question marks over whether any rookie manager could be expected to sort through the mess that has been created at St James’ Park. Football clubs are tumultuous places at the best of times, so any young manager coming into a job would find it helpful if at least the internal structure of the club was secure, and that cannot be said about Newcastle.

If Mike Ashley appoints Alan Shearer as his new manager then all that pitchside beer must have gone to his head. Support for the owner among Newcastle fans could scarcely be lower. Any situation which results in him putting himself in a potential popularity contest with Shearer should be avoided at all costs.

It is difficult to believe that Dennis Wise was coaxed out of football management and into his cosy upstairs role at Newcastle without a promise that the Newcastle job would be his at some point in the future. And that is why his role is such a menacing one – Dennis the Menace, if you will. How could Shearer take the job knowing that, even if everything goes to plan, he could expect to be asked to move aside so that someone three years his senior can take over? He couldn’t.

The truth is that Newcastle already have their potential youthful manager within their ranks. The problem is that Ashley knows he would be lynched if he appointed Wise. Appointing Shearer would be a futile exercise in waiting for yet another manager to fail so that he could put his own man in the job.

Ashley should either have the balls to see through what he has started or draw a line under his flawed experiment with a faux-continental management structure.

From Soccerlens.com - Football News

I hold no malice against Tottenham Hotspur Football Club. Many of you do, but I do not. As a football blogger, I love Spurs at the moment. They are so in this season. They are a constant source of humorous stories. Just when you think the situation cannot get any more ridiculous, they go and lose another match. The sequence begins all over again.

Equally, I hold no malice against Juande Ramos. The guy did a splendid job at Sevilla and spurred Martin Jol’s squad on to Carling Cup success last season. Kneejerk reactions are not always the best solution, but how long does the situation have to continue before it no longer constitutes a kneejerk reaction. Is two points from 10 matches too soon to judge? Do you let Ramos get on with it until Christmas? Surely if you still have only two points at Christmas then you know something is wrong!

The problem is that there does not seem to be an escape route for Ramos. This week’s newspapers will be full of another round of speculation about the Spaniard’s future. There will be more anonymous mutterings from players and “club sources” about his unusual methods. And as if all that talk wasn’t bad enough, it is difficult to argue with the Premier League table which still shows Tottenham are bottom-of-the-table with only two points.

The club has become a laughing stock. A decent measure of just how true this is would be to look at Newcastle United. They too are in the relegation zone. They are still owned by someone who is desperate to offload the club and they are managed by an eccentric mid-1990s long-ball merchant who doesn’t know how long he will be in charge for. And yet the Magpies barely get a mention because all the attention is on Spurs’ underachievements.

It seems like a vicious circle, and one that is difficult to break. The only way to stop it is to put a string of decent results together. That looks totally beyond a Spurs side that has had all of its pre-season confidence drained. I’m afraid Juande’s exit is the easiest way of breaking the cycle.

From Soccerlens.com - Football News

Portsmouth boss Harry Redknapp this weekend celebrates 25 years in football management. Redknapp was 36 years old when he took over from Don Megson at Third Division outfit Bournemouth. Since then, his own unique brand of management has been seen at West Ham, Southampton and Portsmouth (twice). We celebrate some of the finest moments of ‘Arry’s quarter of a century in football management.

1. Winning the FA Cup
His FA Cup triumph with Portsmouth earlier this year was surely Redknapp’s finest hour. They may have been clear favourites in the final against Cardiff, but it was their quarter-final victory over Manchester United which put Pompey in clear contention for the trophy.

2. Guiding a large proportion of the current England squad into the Premier League
During his time at West Ham, Redknapp oversaw the development of Frank Lampard, Joe Cole, Rio Ferdinand, Jermain Defoe and Michael Carrick. That is a significant amount of international players for what was a mid-table side to produce.

3. Knocking Manchester United out of the FA Cup with Bournemouth
Redknapp caused one of the FA Cup’s greatest ever shocks when Bournemouth knocked Manchester United out in the third round in his first season in charge. The Cherries won the match 2-0 with Redknapp declaring: “We don’t get many days like this in Bournemouth.”

4. Winning the trophy formerly known as Associate Members Cup
‘Arry’s first glimpse of managerial silverware was what is currently known as the Johnstone’s Paint Trophy. This too came in Redknapp’s first career in management. Bournemouth beat Hull City 2-1 in the final.

5. Winning promotion with Bournemouth
Redknapp spurred his Bournemouth side to promotion out of the old Third Division in 1987 as they won the title with a club record 97 points.

6. Coming out of corruption scandal smelling of roses
His arrest over corruption allegations threatened to tarnish Redknapp’s reputation, but a charismatic performance to the media all but put the matter to bed.

7. Avoiding relegation with Portsmouth
Redknapp returned to manage Portsmouth in December 2005 charged with helping Alain Perrin’s relegation strugglers to beat the drop.An unforgettable run in the final 10 games of the season ensured that Pompey stayed in the top-flight.

8. Winning promotion with Portsmouth
In March 2002, Redknapp inherited an indifferent Pompey side from Graham Rix. Just 14 months later and they had raced to promotion to the Premier League, and won the title with a game to spare.

9. The infamous training ground interview

10. Drawing AC Milan in the UEFA Cup
On his last European outing, Redknapp’s West Ham side underperformed. He now has an excellent opportunity to write another chapter in his successful career as he takes Portsmouth into the UEFA Cup group stages. The clash with AC Milan is undoubtedly the pick of Pompey’s matches.

From Soccerlens.com - Football News

There are occasional times throughout the season when you cannot help but wish that you had the foresight to predict these unlikely situations which present themselves, and preferably to have had a little flutter on it. One such instance is Sunday’s clash between Stoke City and Tottenham. I imagine the odds on this being a clash between the Premier League’s bottom two teams would have been pretty long at the start of the season.

If any of you did bet money on this, then congratulations are in order but maybe a trip to a psychiatrist too. Unlikely as it may have seemed this match is as close as you can get to a relegation battle when you are only seven games into a season.

Perhaps Stoke’s predicament is to be expected. Indeed the most surprising aspect is that they are the second-bottom team going into this clash rather than bottom. Many people expected them to be the worst team in Premier League history, but they have equipped themselves very well so far. They do fill me with a sense of deja-vu though.

If you can cast your minds back to the days before Derby Country were a laughing stock with Paul Jewell proclaiming this publicly on a weekly basis, the Rams actually made a decent start to their season in the top-flight. Granted they were given spankings by Liverpool, Tottenham (yes, that Tottenham) and Arsenal, which Stoke have not received yet, but apart from that they beat Newcastle and were losing games by narrow margins. The consensus among many pundits was that they were on the verge of a breakthrough and just needed a bit more luck.

There are parallels with Stoke. The Potters picked up an expected victory against Aston Villa and a draw against Liverpool. Other than that they have generally recorded defeats by the odd goal. Again the pundits are saying they just need a bit more luck to convert those narrow defeats into draws or even victories.

Tottenham, on the other hand… It is difficult to know where to begin since so much has already been written. Two points from seven games is not the start they had in mind after a pretty impressive pre-season. A game against a physical Stoke side is not the ideal pick-me-up for a side low on confidence.

In many ways the odds are stacked in Stoke’s favour. It is a perfect opportunity for them to pick up that elusive second victory and steer clear of the Derby blueprint. Having said that, this is a game which Spurs would be expecting to win whatever the circumstances.

Who do you expect to see propping up the table on Sunday evening?

From Soccerlens.com - Football News

It is funny how a three-minute YouTube video can make you completely lose respect for someone you once admired as a talented footballer. This is Liverpool and Holland attacker Ryan Babel rocking the mic with a rap ballad about his rags to riches tale.

Babel follows in the footsteps of such footballing luminaries as John Barnes, Andy Cole and Clint Dempsey in attempting to cut it as a hip-hop artist. You can judge for yourselves how well he accomplishes that!

The hard-hitting lyrics go something like this:

Rapping is my hobby
Rappers dont want trouble
I’m the Liverpool star those bitches are loving
I know what time it is – I’ve just bought a new watch
Ill give you a punchline: eight seconds, youll be knocked down
Towel in the ring
My family in the V.I.P
No caviar for us, Surinamers eat chicken
Ya’ll know nothing: this is the Premier League
Representing the G
You can see this n***a with number 19
Ya’ll can f*** off, I f*** with a whole team
Ya’ll can talk, but you dont get anything with it
Ya’ll can’t be like me, my status is too high
If rappers come to close, I have to take space
People watch YouTube to learn my actions
I have those skills, try some tricks
I was a poor n***a
Now I make f***ing money
I went from the Euro to the English pound
I put money in my pocket, now I spend money on nothing
I like it this way, I’m sure you like it
If somebody want beef, well come on
I like it with some pepper, homie
I’m sure in my life
Give me the f***ing ball, you lose both legs
And now my competition is past
If you hate me because of that, I say youre right
If I was you, I would hate me too
I have the s**t homie
I cant even spend all my money
Keep your daughter in sight. or you will be my family
Ill take your daughter and let her make clean
101 Barz – this is the first time but I came hard!
I came alone, I don’t have a back-up
I came because I mean it
Check it

From Soccerlens.com - Football News

Five goals in three games have announced Wayne Rooney’s return to international prominence. His performance against Belarus last night, and the build-up to it against Croatia and Kazakhstan, indicate that the Manchester United striker is ready to fulfil his potential with England.

His recent performances, particularly an outstanding display against Belarus, are among his best in an England shirt since he burst onto the international scene as a fresh-faced 17-year-old in 2003. He is no longer the impact player who ran rings around Turkey on his first England start or who threatened to single-handedly win Euro 2004 for England before being halted by a foot injury, but he is a more intelligent footballer.

He has probably lost a touch of that teenage energy since those optimistic days of his early England performances, and opposition defences are now acutely aware of the danger he poses. But he now works better as a team player rather than trying to take on the world by himself, and recent performances show that when his confidence is high and he is played in the right position he can still produce magical moments of football.

Rooney himself acknowledges his return to form. He said: “I think it’s probably the best I’ve ever played for England. I’m enjoying my football, getting on the ball and scoring and making goals.”

Fabio Capello and Emile Heskey have to take some of the credit for bringing the best out of Rooney once again. Capello’s decision to omit Michael Owen from recent squads is looking increasingly like a favour to Rooney rather than a slight to Owen. The pair have on occasion played well together – a friendly against Argentina in Switzerland and those Euro 2004 matches spring to mind – but this has not always been the case.

Rooney has been asked to play up-front by himself, which ended in disaster against Portugal in the 2006 World Cup, and with Peter Crouch. The Portsmouth giant may be a big man, but he is not the right sort of big man to bring the best out of Rooney. Crouch is Pele trapped inside a giraffe’s body. He wants to show off his skills and score spectacular goals (or at least attempt to). His aerial ability is not great for someone who is 6ft 7in tall.

Rooney needs to play alongside the stereotypical British centre-forward to be at his best. Someone who will lead the line, be a threat in the air and occupy defenders while he drops deep to work his magic. Rooney and Alan Shearer in his heyday would have been a formidable partnership. In Shearer’s absence, it is Heskey who is best suited to partner Rooney. Capello has not only recognised this, but also decided that it is worth sacrificing another goal-scoring striker in order to bring the best out of Rooney.

On the basis of last night, it is difficult to disagree with him.

From Soccerlens.com - Football News

Rosario Central president Horacio Usandizaga is not likely to win any Boss of the Year awards after he was secretly filmed making a speech in which he threatened to kill his club’s players and coaching staff.

The under-fire president came out with guns blazing (hopefully not too literally) as he defended his leadership of the relegation-threatened club. Unfortunately, the video was leaked to the Argentinian media and has caused outrage in the South American country.

An irate Usandizaga said: “Central are going to get out of this situation, we are going to move forward. We are going to get out of this or I’m going to kill the … players, coaching staff and anyone else. If Rosario Central was going to fall I will kill all those sons of bitches, be they players or coaching staff.

“The players want to be paid one million dollars to escape relegation. I’ve never seen a million dollars in my life!”

Maybe Football Focus should invite Daniel Levy onto the show and see what happens! Watch Usandizaga’s rant below.

Hat tip: 3pm

From Soccerlens.com - Football News

Grimsby striker Martin Butler has had his contract terminated because new boss Mike Newell was unimpressed with his travel arrangements. The 34-year-old made a 350-mile round trip from his Worcestershire home to Grimsby. The striker was often forced to miss training because or the long-haul commute.

Newell said: “To have him available only a couple of times a week was not right.”

Butler has had the final six months of his contract paid and is now free to drive as far as he wants. So that is women, referees, corrupt businessmen and commuters on Mike Newell’s hate list to date.

From Soccerlens.com - Football News