If there’s no football matches being played, then you have to fill the sports pages exclusively with transfer rumours.

In the two months between now and the start of the 2009/10 season, you’ll see plenty of formulaic guff written, and you’ll have to work out to separate the news from the speculation. But for a bit of fun, here are ten stories we predict you’ll see variants of in the papers this summer – who knows how close we’ll be…

1) Cristiano Ronaldo gets nasty about Manchester United

Look out for mysterious comments appearing in a Spanish/Portuguese/Brazilian outlet about how great United were but Alex Ferguson’s tactics/the idea that Nani was my back-up/the weather in Manchester/having to look at Wayne and Carlos every day was more than I could bear. Despite the quotes being lifted from abroad, every tabloid to claim it as a world exclusive.

2) A detailed analysis on Chelsea’s prospects for next season based on Ancelotti’s ability to answer questions in English during his first press conferences

“If Carlo can only describe the Champions League as ‘a beautiful experience’ to an assembled group of journalists whose job it is to be verbose and command language, then how can he possibly explain to Didier Drogba to be strong and get into the box?”

3) The Joey Barton ‘looking to the future interview’

In which he admits to the mistakes he’s made in the past, and his desire to get back to doing what he does best, which is playing football. He’s totally committed to Newcastle, but will play for anyone.

4) Arsene Wenger reaffirming Arsenal’s moral highground

“£80m for Ronaldo?” “Real Madrid going crazy?” “Mountains of debt?” “Wealthier than wealthy benefactors who can just go out and buy anyone?” “Well, it wouldn’t happen at Arsenal – we’ll just scout and sign all the best 16 year-olds.”

5) Harry Redknapp being linked to three squads’ worth of players

The total list of players to include:

(a) former players at Portsmouth (b) former Spurs players (c) unknown foreigners (d) known foreigners on the wrong side of 30 and (e) British starlets in the Championship

6) The fruits of South American scouting

Count on reading about several South American wonderkids who’ve had great seasons on Football Manager 2009 who “Fergie sees as the next Ronaldo”

7) Rafa Benitez to bemoan his limited resources before the start of the season.

It’s best to get the excuses in early, as well as in a very polite way point the blame for everything at the foot of Gilletts and Hick.

A barrage of “football’s gone mad” articles

Enough said. It hasn’t suddenly gone mad though, it’s just been going slowly and predictably crazy for the best part of two decades. The summer transfer dealings will only be the logical point on the curve.

9) On a similar theme, Sir Alex Ferguson complaining about the money in football which forced United’s hand in the Ronaldo transfer, before signing a replacement for £40m+

And Wigan Chairman Dave Whelan to bemoan the sale of Luis Antonio Valencia before giving Roberto Martinez a giant transfer kitty which ruins Swansea’s squad.

10) “PREVIEW PULL-OUT 2009/10: The most exciting Premier League season in years”

Because you wouldn’t buy our paper if we were predicting Manchester United’s cruise to a fourth Premiership title…

Mark is one of the founders of Sport without Spin. They’re trying to steer a bull-free course through the tabloids, exposing the less impressive exclusives, and they’ve stuck a bunch of housemates into the Big Transfer House  until August…

From Soccerlens.com - Football News

How different it all might have been if Liverpool had not won the 2005 Champions League. Although it looked impossible at half-time, Benitez managed to find a way through AC Milan, led by the irrepressible Steven Gerrard. As such, it capped an extraordinary season, earnt them a spot in Europe, and marked Benitez out as a man for the big occasion, with just a touch of luck on his side. As you will see, however, it would only have taken a penalty not to be awarded that night in Istanbul for England to win the World Cup and Sven to open his very own Playboy Mansion…

May 2005: Liverpool threaten a comeback in the Champions League Final, but having found two goals they have a vociferous appeal for a penalty on Gerrard turned down when the referee decides that the Liverpool skipper has dived. This marks the end of their resurgence, and though they still battle manfully for an equalising goal, a strike on the break from Shevchenko with just a few minutes left on the clock finishes the contest.

July 2005: Steven Gerrard announces his decision to leave Liverpool. The decision is a tough one, he says, but the lack of Champions League football is the deciding factor. Roman Abramovich writes a £30m cheque, and Gerrard becomes a Chelsea player.

August 2005: Rafa Benitez hits out at the Liverpool board. “We receive thirty million for Gerrard, but I do not have thirty million to replace him”. David Moores swiftly responds through The Times that the money would have been able to spend had Liverpool qualified for the Champions League and had the revenue guaranteed from it. Benitez resorts to a series of cheaper purchases from across the continent, and replacing Gerrard in the midfield is Jimmy Bullard.

October 2005: The Sun label it the worst week in the club’s history – it begins Liverpool are ousted from the UEFA Cup after a 2-1 defeat at the hands of Hungarian minnows Ferencvaros. The Reds are again chasing the deficit, but cannot get themselves back on level terms. “Maybe I do not have luck in Europe”, Benitez laments. At the weekend, Chelsea scrape a one goal victory – the goal courtesy of Steven Gerrard, though there is a fierce debate about whether the ball has crossed the line or not. Luis Garcia runs to the referee to savage his decision, and the referee sees fit to send him off. Jose Mourinho crows after the match – “The media will say that the difference is Gerrard, but I think the difference is me. I am a special manager and signing the world’s best midfielder from my rivals for an enormous fee was extraordinary management.”

December 2005: Mourinho’s Chelsea record their 8th straight Premiership victory with a 4-1 victory at Middlesbrough, and there are two goals apiece for Lampard and Gerrard. It signifies the end of Chelsea’s unconvincing start to the season, when Lampard and Gerrard struggled to form an effective partnership. “They say that Lampard and Gerrard cannot play together”Mourinho recalls in the post-match interview, “Evidently they are wrong. I made a strong management decision at the beginning of the year that two of the best midfielders in the world should be able to play together perfectly, and I played them until they did.” Mourinho’s persistence is great news for Sven Goran Eriksson, who has the luxury of using his friendlies before the World Cup to fine-tune the other parts of his team. “The extra time has freed me up from doing something sensationalist like picking Theo Walcott”he beams, “and now I don’t have the Lampard/Gerrard dilemma I have a lot more free time. I might have an affair.”

March 2006: The title race is nearly over as Chelsea march relentlessly towards their second successive title. Thoughts turn to the World Cup, and England’s chances look better than ever. When Wayne Rooney is caught at the end of the month and suffers a metatarsal injury, Sven takes it in his stride. “Of course, we do not want to lose Rooney, but maybe we play just one striker, move Lampard and Gerrard forward, and cover with Owen Hargreaves.” The next day, The Mirror write a two-page spread entitled “Svengali – why England cannot lose the World Cup”

May 2006: Liverpool finish a disappointing 6th in the league. Benitez is widely criticised for some unambitious performances and his conversion of Peter Crouch into a holding midfielder to help strengthen the ailing midfield. The board, however, mindful of the importance of continuity and swayed by Benitez’ financial limitations, accept his excuses and look to find new owners for the next season.

July 2006: England reach the World Cup Final, where they face the Italians. In the semi-finals, they edge a tight game against the French 1-0, and the career of Zinedine Zidane ends ignominiously when he headbutts John Terry with minutes left in the match. In the final Sven names the hitherto rested and now fully-fit pairing of Owen and Rooney. With a sense of assurance, goals from Owen, Lampard and Rooney mean England ease to a 3-0 victory and spare the nation shredded nerves. Gerrard, despite not scoring, is the man of the match.

February 2007: The DIC group complete a buy-out of Liverpool – the club had approached potential buyers in the USA, but found that the club’s insignificant showing in the last couple of years had made it an unappealing investment. The changes are instant and sweeping – Rafa Benitez, who has guided the side to 8th place in the league this season, is relieved of his duties, and Sven Goran Eriksson takes charge of his first Premiership side. With no money to spend now, and very little to play for during the remainder of the season, Sven appears at training only a couple of days a week, and usually leaves Tord Grip to pass instructions on to Jamie Carragher. Liverpool slide to 11th.

June 2007: Sven uses his powers of persuasion to bring Owen and Gerrard back to Anfield, and they are reintroduced to the fans on the same day amid wild celebrations. Amongst the other new faces is Rolando Bianchi, of whom Sven says “You know what? Screw it. I can do whatever I like – I won the World Cup.”

July 2007: Benitez is welcomed back to Spain as the manager of Real Madrid. It is the fulfillment of a lifelong ambition for the Spaniard, whose exploits with Valencia are still fondly remembered in Spain. He begins his work with the contentious signing of neighbours Atletico Madrid’s Fernando Torres.

September 2007: In an extraordinary week for football, a videotape of Eriksson having relations with page 3 strumpet Abi Titmuss emerges. In the highly explicit film Sven breaks down for her the secrets of his World Cup-winning formations and promises Titmuss that he “will not be like her other boyfriends”. Despite having started the season unbeaten, the DIC group feel that the video compromises Eriksson’s reputation and therefore the club’s, and to the derision of the Kop they let him go. Jose Mourinho, unhappy at Chelsea, spies an opportunity to move to an ambitious club, and less than 24 hours pass before the job is filled. “My management is based on one simple, special rule”he says, “Give lots of chat all the time. But never to Abi Titmuss”.

May 2008: Liverpool and Real Madrid sweep aside all opposition to meet in the Champions League Final, and once again Benitez’ tactics are pitched against Mourinho’s. The final is cagey and there appears little hope of a goal. When it does come, it’s for Liverpool; a powerful effort from Owen is parried by Iker Casillas, hits the crossbar, and bounces in to the goal off the back of the Spaniard’s shoulder blade. A bemused Benitez curses his luck, and Calderon sacks him before there is time to pick up his runners-up medal.

June 2008: Eriksson, drunk on his glories of 2006, sets up his equivalent of the Plaboy Mansion in the UK. “It’s a place where you can relax and have a great time with beautiful women – but in a classy way”, he says. “I had the idea two years ago when I had all that free time and the midfield conundrum of Gerrard and Lampard had taken care of itself. I call it The Heaven-Svent Swedish Lady House, although I’m open to changing the name.”

Mark is one of the founders of www.sportwithoutspin.com, a website poking fun at the shoddy coverage expert pundits and the media at large cover sport. They’ve even given made their website look all smart, and are wondering this week how to see the best side of Ashley Cole, why Bobby Zamora would be linked to Villareal, and trying to plot Daniel Sturridge’s wage demands on a graph.

From Soccerlens.com - Football News

Chris Tarrant: Welcome back to another episode of Who wants to buy some pampered millionaires? – the show where we ask fifteen questions and fifteen correct answers can win you a Sheikh’s ransom for the summer. I’m joined today by Rafael, 48, from Liverpool. So Rafael, how are you feeling so far?

Rafael: I am ready. I am very focused on this game.

CT: Great, well, you’ve already won £16m courtesy of our sponsors Tom and George — but they don’t want to give you that! Why don’t you have a look at the next question; it’s worth £32m:

Who is the Irish footballer who began his career at Wolves and has plied his trade at Coventry, Leeds, Tottenham and Inter Milan?

A. Tony Cascarino

B. Robbie Keane

C. Gareth Barry

D. Roy Keane

Rafael: I want Gareth Barry.

CT: Erm… You still have all your lifelines, Rafael. You don’t have to rush this. How sure are you?

Rafael: I am completely sure. But I suppose I must ask first — yes, I will use the phone.

CT: Phone a friend?

Rafael: No, I will phone Rick Parry.

CT: OK… [dials phone] Hello Rick? Hi it’s Chris Tarrant here – yes, that guy - listen, Rick, I’m with Rafael Benitez, and he’s doing really well so far, but he’d like a bit of help on this question for £32m…

RP: Robbie Keane.

CT: But you haven’t even heard the…

RP: And I don’t need to — it’s Robbie Keane. He can have Gareth Barry once he’s won the Premiership.

Rafael: I cannot believe this. [Rick Parry hangs up] He did no’ even say goodbye. He will soon. [laughs]

CT: What will it be then, Rafael?

Rafael: I will pick Robbie Keane. For now.

CT: Is that your final answer?

Rafael: Yes. For now.

CT: It’s the right answer — you’ve got £32m!

Rafael: Two Gareth Barrys.

CT: But they don’t want to give you that! Here’s the £64m question:

Your contract is nearing expiry, but you keep rejecting the new offers. Is this because:

A. You’re planning to quit, but not before putting a few hundred quid on it at the bookies

B. You’re hoping to secure the Real Madrid job… by beating Real Madrid

C. You’re planning to stay, but giving the tabloids a little something to write about

D. You’re planning to stay, and just really digging your heels in on this one

Rafael: I was a little bit surprised by this one, but I cannot answer this question at the moment. I am focused on training and coaching my team.

CT: Rafael, the question is worth £64m — there’s money ready for you if you can answer it.

Rafael: I prefer to talk about the game, to celebrate our victory against Real, and respect our players.

CT: I’m sorry Rafael, but if that is your final answer you’d leave here with nothing.

Rafael: I’m no’ thinking about a draw, I’m thinking about a win.

CT: You still have a lifeline, Rafael — you can ask the audience here in Liverpool.

Rafael: We have the best fans here, we can ask them.

CT: Ok, well audience, you know the rules, you can take out your keypads from in front of you, and cast your vote on the question… Your contract is nearing expiry, but you keep rejecting new offers — is it because of A, B, C or D… Just a few seconds left audience… And that’s your time. Let’s take a look at the results.

A. 0%

B. 0%

C. 0%

D. 0%

CT: Well, that’s very unusual — audience… can I… [CT looks up to see that the audience have unfurled a banner saying 'Stay our gaffer Rafa' covering the assembled crowd in their entirety] I see. That’s quite a strong statement Rafael isn’t it? Are you going to go with the audience?

Rafael: I do no’ like the terms of this question. You must send my lawyer this question with amended wording.

CT: We can allow you some time to deliberate, Rafael, but there is a limit…

Rafael: I am no’ ready to answer the question. I know Tom and George are at home watching. I can wait.

Mark is one of the founders of Sport without Spin, a website which tries to cut a path through tabloid speculation and the rent-a-quote words of sportsmen. This week they have been trying to work out where the Rafa quitting rumours originated, laughing at Julien Faubert’s bemusement that he isn’t in the Real Madrid match squad, and have descended into blind panic at the prospect that the 2011 Champions League final might be scheduled on the same day as the League Two play-off. There’s only 820 days left to sort it out!

From Soccerlens.com - Football News

How could the pre-match ritual of a night in the Marriott before a big London fixture go so terribly wrong for Tottenham? Beat West Ham the following day, and Arsenal could not overake them in the race for the last of the Champions League spots. After tucking in to a lasagne, food poisoning overcame most of the squad, and their chances of even playing the game looked doubtful. Upset in stomach and spirit, they took the field and a Yossi Benayoun strike with ten minutes left in the match consigned them to defeat. Arsenal snatched fourth.

How different things might have been in the team had just eaten anywhere else that night…

May 6 2006 — The squad assembles at the Marriott hotel. As they move to the restaurant for dinner, Edgar Davids stops to address the team. “Do you know what?” he says, “It’s been so long since I had a good curry. Who fancies a chicken balti?” Martin Jol looks unsure, but Michael Carrick sways him: “Let’s live a little, boys. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? I might get sold for a seemingly exorbitant sum to Manchester United before you know it!” Everyone laughs, and the curry is a triumph of team-building on the eve of the big game.

May 7 2006 — The team wake up and prepare as they have done for every other game of the year. West Ham, with little to play for in the league and an FA Cup final on the weekend, duly surrender to a 2-0 defeat, which comes through goals from Robbie Keane and Jermain Defoe. In a buoyant press conference after the game, Martin Jol confuses those in attendance. “Wow, this is so great. I’m just relieved that we didn’t get food poisoning from that curry. Could you imagine? I’d hate to see the looks on the boys’ faces if something silly like that had ruined everything.”

May 17 2006 — Tottenham announce the arrival of Dimitar Berbatov, but there’s further good news when Michael Carrick declares that he would like to stay at the club, since he can fulfil his ambition of Champions League football at White Hart Lane.

July 2006 — With the promise of extra Champions League money, Spurs spend again. This time the man in is Fernando Torres, signing for an initial £20m. Torres says “I was interested in Liverpool but they said they needed to save up for a year to afford me, and now Spurs are in the big four and have silly money to throw around I thought, what’s the worst that could happen?”

One man leaving the Premiership is Arsenal’s Thierry Henry. After months of deliberation, the prospect of a year without Champions League football proves unbearable, and Arsenal pocket £30m from Barcelona. Arsene Wenger arranges that the money be put in a savings account until he has found the twenty most promising 16 year old footballers from around the world and signed them.

August 2006: Finding himself increasingly isolated with Torres and Berbatov striking an instant rapport with each other and the fans, and Defoe reveling in his role as super sub, Keane hands in a transfer request the week before transfer deadline day. “Mister Tottenham files for divorce!” graces the back page of the Sun.

Benitez spies a bargain, snapping up Keane for £6m on deadline day and salivates at the “big man-little man” partnership he could forge with Peter Crouch. Keane immediately repays the faith of Benitez, latching on to 3 Crouch flick-ons and nod-downs for a debut hat trick at Old Trafford. “I didn’t realise how good he was,” noted Benitez, “but me and Keano could be made for each other.” Keane agrees, telling the press he’ll share his man-of-the-match champagne with Benitez over dinner at his house that evening, and states his belief that “I couldn’t take Jol seriously with his comical carefree Dutch ways. I think the Spanish accent will get the best out of me.”

May 2007: Jol wins the title on the final day for Tottenham, cementing his place in the fans hearts. Berbatov pledges his future to Tottenham, claiming “This is even better than I imagine playing for Manchester United would probably feel. Ronaldo is a great player but with Torres by my side I never get frustrated with my team mates and have no need to sulk for long periods of time.”

Reflecting on their quarter final exit in the Champions League to Real Madrid, Jol says it is unreasonable to expect them to compete with Europe’s top four teams and the resources at their disposal. Daniel Levy shocks fans and the media by sacking Jol, reasoning that “the aim for this season was to break into Europe’s Big Four and gain membership to the G14, which is the future of elite European football. This year we have only made the top eight and we need a coach with a proven track record. Ultimately, we want to be like Real Madrid.”

June 2007: Jol is replaced with Fabio Capello, who is sacked by Real Madrid after failing to add the Champions League to his La Liga title after Keane’s late double brought Benitez his first major trophy. Capello says “Making Spurs Champions of Europe will be my final challenge in football before I retire, unless I get offered a ridiculous salary by a national football association desperate for credibility after a hugely botched appointment and humiliating failed Euro 2008 qualifying campaign.”

Beckham joins Spurs on a free transfer and is made captain after Ledley King signs for Milan. Ancelotti sees him as the natural heir to Maldini, and having played every minute of every game in the 2006-7 season Milan have high hopes that he will play into his late 30s.

September 2007 — Arsenal, having endured a slow and largely unsuccessful period of rebuilding, finally decide that Arsene Wenger is no longer the man to manage the side. He leaves with the respect of all Arsenal fans, who reluctantly feel a change is required. The replacement is Juande Ramos. His arrival coincides with the surge in form of Wenger’s youngsters, inspired particularly by a core of Spanish-speaking players led by Fabregas, Almunia and Vela.

Jose Mourinho battles manfully on at Chelsea despite suspicions that Roman Abramovich has been trying to make decisions on footballing matters. “There’ve been times when I thought about resigning,” he admits, “But now my opponents are Capello, Ferguson, Ramos and Benitez, how can I miss this season?”

May 2008 — The season goes down to the final weekend, with five teams mathematically capable of winning the title. Chelsea are held by relegation-threatened Bolton, and it is Mourinho’s last game in charge. Arsenal too play out a frustrating draw with West Ham, but their eventual third place with a young team bolstered by the big name signings of David Bentley and Yaya Toure in January is heralded as a turning point in the club’s fortunes. “There was all this money just lying around,” Ramos says to an interpreter, “and when I asked Peter Hill-Wood he said it was Arsene’s rainy day fund. So I asked if I could spend it and he thought about it and said ‘Why not?’“. The fixture of the day sees Keane strike twice against his former employers as Liverpool push into contention for the Premiership title at Spurs’ expense. Capello’s Spurs side, looking to repeat the bonding session of 2006, go out for a curry the night before the game, and most players spend the night vomiting and unable to play to their potential the following day. As Keane is busy expressing his delight in one interview, he is interrupted, by news that Manchester United have found a way through Wigan, and thereby regain their Premiership crown.

June 2008 — The English FA, having kept the manager’s job open for several months following Steve McClaren’s failure, offer the post to Martin Jol.

November 2010 — Martin Jol is sacked from England manager’s role after a failure to qualify for South Africa. In their weekly column, two writers ponder what might have been had Spurs’ players not got food-poisoning on that fateful day in May 2008. It’s messed up.

Mark is one of the founders of www.sportwithoutspin.com. This week they’ve been working out the origins of those ridiculous Nicklas Bendtner comments came from, wondering how it took the press so long to link Hiddink to a Russian player despite having no intention of staying long enough to sign players, and being wowed by Madin Mohammed, who by our reckoning is at least the seventh person to be called the new Zidane…

From Soccerlens.com - Football News

Was the failure to capture the 1995/6 Premiership having at one stage enjoyed a 12 point lead the beginning of the end for the Newcastle dream and Kevin Keegan’s managerial credibility?

This week we ponder what might have been if the Magpies’ favourite cheerleading manager had won the battle of the mind-games and led the side to their first trophy since the 1955 FA Cup…

May 1996 – “I would love it if we could beat them. Love it. He’s gone down in my estimation. Manchester United haven’t won this yet, I’d love it if we beat them”. Keegan’s frustrations spill over with a game left to play, and an outside chance of the league title. The media suggest that it is a sign that the game is finally up for Keegan and his charges, but a Juninho-inspired Middlesborough manage to eke out a 2-1 win against Manchester United on the last day of the season, and when the news of the scoreline trickles through to St James Park, David Ginola whips a cross into the penalty box with which Les Ferdinand connects. Newcastle snatch the title.

Keegan is heralded by the press as a master of mind games, and revels in the image. In fact, the turn of phrase comes out throughout the summer — Keegan manages to unsettle Juninho by telling the Sun that he would “love it if he could sign Juninho, love it”. Juninho comes on board for the following season, reasoning that he doesn’t have to drive much further to get to training every day.

January 1997 — The New Year’s Honours List includes a knighthood for Kevin Keegan. Publically it is denied, but many believe that the Queen is bowing to the demands of Newcastle residents, who send more than a million letters demanding recognition for their manager.

April 1997 — Keegan’s side sit second in the league, one place ahead of a faltering Manchester United. A resurgent Arsenal, led by new manager Arsene Wenger, are marching toward the title. Their famous defence of Adams, Keown, Dixon and Winterburn keep Newcastle’s attacking talent quiet at Highbury and record a 1-0 victory which puts the title out of reach for the Toon Army. Sir Kev, livid at the heavy-handed treatment Juninho and Ginola receive in the game, launches into an impassioned tirade against Arsene Wenger and anyone connected to anywhere in North London, but to no avail.

June 1997 — “We need more attacking talent,” Sir Kev insists. Alan Shearer arrives for £15m, and he is joined by Gianluigi Lentini and Teddy Sheringham. The most incredible deal, however, sees Eric Cantona arrive in Newcastle for £3m, after expressing his distaste at the lack of silverware at Old Trafford. “When the magpies follow a knight, it is because they believe he will love it if they throw sardines, love it” Cantona says cryptically. The signings are facilitated by the sale of the back four. In Spain, Florentino Perez watches carefully and gets an idea.

October 1997 — Alex Ferguson’s Manchester United lose their fifth game in a row. The fans boo the team off after their clash with Aston Villa, and Ferguson is forced to explain the Red Devil’s dip in form. “I think Alan Hansen was right,” he says, “You don’t win anything with kids. I really thought David Beckham was going to be good, but he’s so short on confidence and I’m starting to wonder whether he’ll ever amount to anything.”

May 1998 — Newcastle win their second Premiership title. Sir Kev’s side score 128 times in the season and concede 68. Arsene Wenger expresses his bemusement, suggesting that such football is not a blueprint for long term success. “I’ve been reading about George Graham’s Arsenal, and I’m starting to see what he was getting at“. Bergkamp moves to Newcastle.

June 1998 — David Beckham is released from Manchester United, and is picked up by Leyton Orient. England endure a wretched World Cup, but the bright spot is the performance of 18 year-old Michael Owen. Posh Spice, looking to broaden her popularity, begins a relationship with the Liverpool striker.

May 1999 — Arsenal win the Premiership, scoring 54 times and conceding only 12. Newcastle are second again, with each game they play seeing an average of six goals. Sir Kev is at a loss to explain the side’s failed campaign, but finds £25m to fund the signing of Michael Owen.

Manchester United finish 11th, and Ferguson pays for it with his job. “Football — bloody hell,” he muses, “I can’t help but think that it wouldn’t have taken much to change for us be winning the treble right about now”. Eric Cantona sweeps back into Old Trafford as the new United coach.

Jan 2001 — Keegan’s Newcastle enjoy sporadic success and a first FA Cup win in 45 years in 2000, but are losing too many games. Goalkeeper Shay Given loses faith after Keegan selects him and ten attacking players to take on Everton, and demands a transfer. For their next game, Keegan selects Faustino Asprilla as rush goalie. It’s the final straw for Sir Kev, who resigns, leaving behind a legacy of domestic triumph, but an urgent need for some defensive players. Such is the popularity of Sir Kev with the fans that nobody can countenance taking on the job.

March 2001 — After an extensive search and hitherto fruitless search, Newcastle turn to Joe Kinnear. The fans fume, and the media is bemused. Kinnear swears. A lot.

May 2001 — Liverpool end their wait for the League title with an astonishing quadruple of the League, FA Cup, League Cup and UEFA Cup. Gerard Houllier is offered a lifetime contract an Anfield. Newcastle’s season falls away and Kinnear steers the side to seventh. Florentino Perez, now President of Real Madrid and looking on at the Premiership from Spain, briefly considers halting his burgeoning galacticos project, before having a change of heart and employing Keegan and providing him with a book of blank cheques. He would love it, he says, if Shearer came to join him. Love it. Posh and Micks book tickets to Madrid.

Mark is one of the founders of Sport without Spin which pokes fun at the contradictions, illogicalities and chat that sporting coverage in the media creates. This week, they’ve been looking at the evolution of the Beckham transfer story, the shopping exploits of Manchester City and Tottenham Hotspur, and trying not to lose any more sleep over Charles N’Zogbia…

From Soccerlens.com - Football News

About ten years ago Nick Hancock co-wrote a book called What Didn’t Happen Next, which was an amusing look at the butterfly effect in football and those little changes which might have rewritten the annals of football.

What if Southgate had scored his penalty at Euro 1996? What if Gordon Banks hadn’t had food poisoning in 1970? What if George Best had been born ugly? As a sport full of folklore, imagination and eternal hope, it’s always tempting to ponder the road not travelled — and it is for that reason that every now and then this column will cover one of those ‘what if?’; moments, and indulge in a little escapism or breathe a hearty sigh of relief, depending on your perspective…

Today, the time machine takes us back to the start of 2007, and the DIC group have just completed a successful and straightforward takeover of Liverpool Football Club…

January 2007 — Liverpool, bolstered by Sheikh Maktoum’s bottomless well of fivers, have cash to spend and Rafa Benitez wastes no time in the transfer window. Fernando Torres arrives immediately for an inflated sum of £30m.

There’s also enough money for Gareth Barry, much to the ire of Martin O’Neill. Benitez smiles at a press conference, saying how wonderful it is to have the unquestioning support of his board on transfer matters.

March 2007 — Tom Hicks and George Gillett, thwarted in their efforts to acquire the Reds, turn their attention to Manchester City. Eager to sell, the board obliges. Their first act is to back Stuart Pearce unequivocally. Liverpool meanwhile are on a great run of form and find themselves in the thick of the title race. Torres is an instant hit, scoring freely.

May 2007 – Liverpool’s domestic form tails off and they come second to Manchester United, but after a confident run in Europe they reach the Champions League Final, where they meet AC Milan for a second time in three years. On the day, despite Milan scoring twice, a Torres double overhauls the Rossoneri.

Stuart Pearce, unaided by any transfers, leads Manchester City to midtable. At half-time in the final game of the season the American owners conduct an interview with Jurgen Klinsmann, who signs for a two year deal.

August 2007 — The season starts with reinforcements all around. Liverpool’s big signing is David Villa, who declares that he is very happy to join the European Champions. At the press conference he professes to be relieved that there are now enough Spanish players at the club that it makes more sense for Gerrard and Carragher to learn Spanish than for him to pick up the local tongue.

Jurgen Klinsmann buys Lukas Podolski. “We have a bit of cash, but it’s not as if Manchester City can throw £100m around and buy the best player in the world,” he says.

November 2007 — Thaksin Shinawatra flies back to Thailand to face the charges against him. With no football club to run, and nobody interested in his investment, there seems little reason for him to stay. He hires still unemployed Sven Goran Eriksson to come with him and defend him during his trial.

Liverpool sit top of the league, with Torres and Villa scoring freely. Peter Crouch angles for a transfer. “I’d have played a lot more games,” he says, “If there weren’t yet another striker here who deserves to play more than I do”.

One beneficiary of Liverpool’s form is Steve McClaren, who has enough confidence in the Gerrard — Barry partnership that he leaves Lampard out of his squads throughout the year. “It’s great,” he opines, “My only regret is that Gareth doesn’t have a great nickname like Stevie G, but I’m toying with the G-Bomb, and I think that Becks really likes it.”

Newspapers are quick to attribute McClaren’s success to his relaxed and friendly relationship with his players.

January 2008 — The money is there for Liverpool, but Benitez feels that everything is right with his squad. “Why tinker with a winning formula?” he questions, “I’m not one for chopping and changing when everything is going well.”

At Manchester City the money dries up, much to Podolski’s chagrin, who was under the impression that Klinsmann would be signing other German stars for the team. He fails to show up for training, causing Klinsmann to promise to get tough with his charges.

March 2008 — Manchester United are holding on to their hopes in the league, and Ronaldo’s form is keeping the Red Devils in the race. At a press conference Benitez reads out a charge sheet of Ferguson’s poor behaviour on the touchline. The press herald it as a masterstroke of mind games, and Manchester United draw their next game. Crowds chant Meester Fer-goo-sun, what’s the score? throughout the game, while goals from Barry and Gerrard are enough to win at Old Trafford.

April 2008 — Thaksin’s case is progressing badly, and it worsens when it comes to light in court that he did a lot of bad things. When Sven Goran Eriksson defends him, he suggests that since Shinawatra is considered a fit owner for a Premiership club that the trial ought be aborted. He buckles, however, when the prosecution asks why the former prime minister is therefore not the owner of a team. Shinawatra fires him, and Eriksson claims £15m as a severance on his contract.

May 2008 — Liverpool win the Premiership. Enough is enough for Cristiano Ronaldo, who leaves for Real Madrid saying, “If we’d won the double or something then I’d have thought about staying probably”. Ferguson says the £70m from the Ronaldo transfer will not be enough to rebuild, and it soon transpires that a group from Abu Dhabi are in talks to take over Old Trafford.

“Originally we were thinking of buying Manchester City, but this is much better”, a spokesman says. The Blues have gone down, and the club is put up for sale for twice the original purchase price. Klinsmann leaves, upset to hear that his American owners had a quiet meeting with Steve McClaren about taking over in the summer.

June 2008 — Euro 2008 is a feast of football, and for once England play to their best in the tournament. The final is between England and Spain. A G-Bomb strike is cancelled out by a solo effort from David Villa, and the game is decided on penalties.

Nerves finally get the better of England, and John Terry, still fresh from missing a penalty in Moscow in the Champions League Final, misses the crucial spot kick here as the ball hits the crossbar. He remains as captain of England and Chelsea, but spends the entire 2008/9 season crying strong, silent man-tears.

Mark is one of the founders of Sport without Spin which pokes fun at the contradictions, illogicalities and chat that sporting coverage in the media creates.

From Soccerlens.com - Football News