I may exude confidence in the betting arena, but when it comes to relationships I’m somewhat insecure. It takes me a long while to reach the stage where I feel comfortable enough with a partner to move things on to a physical level. When the time does finally arrive, I’m often so overcome with emotion that I’ll gently shed a few tears. Although this may just be a reaction to the mace.

I take after my old man for exhibiting these idiosyncratic traits. He used to drive me mad by asking a question then immediately answering it himself. One example was: “Son, what do you call a deep hole sunk into the earth to obtain water…well?”

He also displayed a stubborn streak. He once asked me to name a Spanish football ground that we could visit together, and he wouldn’t take ‘Nou’ for an answer.

After visiting Spain, we moved on to Turkey to buy gifts. There were people selling bits and bobs on little market stalls – it was bizarre.

He also took me to visit his sister in New Zealand. She taught me all about the birds and the bees – it was something of an anticlimax.

My worst experience abroad was undoubtedly when I fell out with the owner of a late-night entertainment complex in Amsterdam. I was trying to explain to him why England is a far superior country to Holland, while simultaneously enjoying the company of a stoned girl who could have passed for Ruud Van Nistelrooy’s sister. The apoplectic proprietor told me to get off my high horse.

My unpleasant experiences abroad have led to an increasingly apathetical attitude towards international football. I’m not alone though; the only people who find this form of the game exciting are those who reside in a private room, spending their days watching the Back to the Future trilogy, wearing only a jacket that utilises the latest in arm-retention technology.

As well as being about as entertaining as a BBC sitcom, international football should be treated with disdain due to the involvement of Sepp Blatter. The increasingly ridiculous tool made a fool out of himself again this week when he claimed that buying a football club is as easy as buying a jersey. I can’t see you being charged half a billion pound for an England shirt – unless Dave Whelan is back at JJB.

I probably will succumb and watch England roll over Kazakhstan, just to see how Theo Walcott plays. I haven’t been this excited about a teenager since Ruud’s sister gave me tulips in Amsterdam.

David Bentley must be feeling a right plank for suggesting that Walcott should leave Arsenal to further his career. If Theo wanted to hear the opinion of an idiot, he’d ring up Chris Waddle.

Bentley blames Juande Ramos for his omission from the England squad. He should be pointing the finger at Capello – damn these Italian know-it-alls with their years of experience of winning trophies by only selecting good footballers.

I need to raise funds for my next trip abroad, so I’ll happily stake one point on Slovenia to beat Northern Ireland at even money. The winnings will go into a kitty to pay for a trip to Australia — it’ll be a unique experience for me to go deep into the bush.

From Soccerlens.com - Football News

It may appear unfair to a cynical minority, but nepotism remains as common as Coleen McLoughlin. I certainly have my father to thank for my first job — he was a kerb-crawler.

Dimitar Berbatov also has his father to thank for his career. His Dad instilled a passion for team sports.

Terry Venables has tried to make Berbatov a scapegoat in the current crisis engulfing Tottenham. Personally, I can only point the finger at Levy and Comolli; they’ve left Ramos with the most useless pair up front since Kylie Minogue.

Venables still has friends amongst certain sections of the press, but I would trust him about as far as I could throw Frank Lampard. If Tel told me it was raining, I’d have to look out of the window before letting the bint back in the house.

One United player who does deserve criticism is Ronaldo. The Portuguese ladyboy earned another contentious penalty last week after collapsing like Judy Finnegan’s breasts.

Rob Styles definitely erred when he apologised to Bolton for his decision to award United an advantageous penalty. There’s now a mountain of correspondence for Mike Riley to catch up on.

I do agree with the decision not to punish Styles for his controversial clampdown on the fair tackle. Demotions should only be considered if a referee sends off John Terry.

The standard of officiating is at such a woeful level; referees will even award a phantom goal when the ball doesn’t go between the two posts. It is difficult to comprehend, but it does explain Robbie Keane’s fifteen goal tally last season.

It’s now reached the stage where games should only be refereed by ex-footballers, although that does discriminate against Robbie Savage.

There’s only one thing I dislike in life more than Savage, and that’s drink-driving. Whenever I’m behind the wheel, I top up my alcohol level intravenously.

I don’t want to preach to Carlton Cole, but you should never take the wheel while intoxicated – unless it’s a relatively short journey.

Steven Pienarr has also found himself in trouble with the filth this week when he was arrested for an assault on a woman. Whenever he finishes his football career i’ve got a few odd jobs for him.

There was better news for Pienarr when it was revealed that Everton have been targeted by the sixth richest man in the world. This may well lead to a conflict of interests for Rio Ferdinand.

Rio should invest some of his considerable wealth on Tottenham to beat the massively overachieving Hull by two or more goals at 3.30. Tottenham may be as impotent as Melanie Chisholm’s boyfriend when sobriety arrives, but if they can’t ease past Hull in front of their own supporters, they should rename the ground ‘White Flag Lane’.

You simply have to join me in staking one point on this incredible investment opportunity. I’m going to have to behave like Dimitar Berbatov’s Dad on this one – I won’t take ‘no’ for an answer.

From Soccerlens.com - Football News

No man is an island, with the possible exception of Frank Lampard.

We all crave companionship, but I crossed the line in my pursuit of Helen Chamberlain. I sneaked in to the Soccer AM studios and took a few unauthorised photos to publish on my website. I’ve now been charged with intent to distribute obscene material.

I definitely wouldn’t have been so obsessed with the dilapidated presenter if the wife had dished out a little more pie. In her defence, she has picked up a nasty rash in an area that makes such behaviour problematic — it’s the most irritating twat since Michel Platini.

Thankfully, the Sporting Chance clinic cured me of my desire to pursue antique television personalities. I was initially wary about following the twelve-step recovery program, as it meant embracing religious doctrine. I’m all for loving your fellow man – as long as it doesn’t stray into Joey Barton territory.

The ninth-step was undoubtedly the most embarrassing: I had to make amends for previous misdemeanours. I emailed Helen to apologise for leaving a steaming turd in her dressing room – although he did go on to present his own cookery programme.

During my stay at the Sporting Chance clinic, I met up with a number of other tortured souls. Footballers often turn to alcohol or drugs to break the monotony, but the losers I met were not among those fortunate few.

John Terry sought professional help to come to terms with that dramatic day last summer, when he cried like a slapped baby. He’ll probably never recover from that announcement of increased immigration.

Rio Ferdinand also popped in for a short stay, to receive treatment for his increasingly rabid temper tantrums. The staff tried to give him a little something to help mellow him out — but his body has built up a tolerance.

Rio’s apoplectic, discombobulated rage at Stamford Bridge last week led to a number of Chelsea fans raining missiles upon the United team coach. Rio remained unusually cool under fire, though — it’s not the first time he’s been stoned.

I also met Mike Ashley during my stay, as he tried to recover from losing £300m through poor investments. The poor sod has had a level £10 on Tottenham each week.

Mad Mike should have left Spurs out of potential wagers until Pavlyuchenko settles down. The Russian is still unnerved after being warned about ‘dark-skinned’ people who live in the area — John Terry should never have got involved.

If Pavlyuchenko proves a flop, Spurs should make a move for Michael Owen. The wee hitman can be bought for £4m in January – that’s just one fifth of a Keane or an eighth of a Berbatov. I think it’s slightly more than an eighth actually; I’ll email Rio Ferdinand for confirmation.

Frank Lampard is the latest big name to seek help in his ongoing battle against obesity. I’d advise Frank to throw up after every large meal – I’ve got a few pictures of Helen Chamberlain that could help him out. I’ll have my head between two knees when my one point investment on Wigan to beat Manchester City at 12/5 proves fruitful.

Gerry’s Score

4 out of 6 predictions correct this season. The two predictions he got wrong? Bet against Hull.

English Premier League Fixtures (27-28 September 2008)

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Saturday, 27 September 2008

Everton FC v Liverpool FC, 12:45 (Everton)
Aston Villa FC v Sunderland AFC, 15:00 (Aston Villa)
Fulham FC v West Ham United FC, 15:00 (Fulham)
Middlesbrough FC v West Bromwich Albion FC, 15:00 (Middlesbrough)
Manchester United FC v Bolton Wanderers FC, 15:00 (Manchester United)
Newcastle United FC v Blackburn Rovers FC, 15:00 (Blackburn)
Stoke City FC v Chelsea FC, 15:00 (Chelsea)
Arsenal FC v Hull City AFC, 17:30 (Arsenal)

Sunday, 28 September 2008

Portsmouth FC v Tottenham Hotspur FC, 14:30 (Tottenham)
Wigan Athletic FC v Manchester City FC, 17:00 (Wigan)

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From Soccerlens.com - Football News

Even though I’m the proud owner of a Y chromosome, I love reality TV. I even applied for ‘Queer Eye for the Straight Guy’, but I didn’t fancy wearing a white suit.

I had a much better time on ‘The X Factor’. As soon as I looked deep into Cheryl Tweedy’s eyes, I instantly knew there was something between us – it was eleven security guards.

I blame myself for not making it through to the boot camp – I told the judges that my parents were still alive. I should have told them that my old man had passed on – it’ll be true if he mentions last week’s Newcastle tip again.

A number of years ago, Paul McCartney and I swapped partners for a programme that would revolutionise TV. The format was still in its infancy then, so the pilot of ‘Wife-Beater Swap’ was never aired.

I thoroughly enjoyed my time with Heather Mills. I have to admit that I couldn’t keep up with her in the bedroom, which was somewhat ironic.

The wife was mostly disappointed by her stay with Paul, as she’s a big meat-eater. She said the Dung Beatle was a perfect gentleman though, until he had a Stella.

Adrian Chiles has reality television to thank for allowing the general public to become accustomed to seeing people who would normally only be employed on Halloween.

Chiles recently won first place in a Carlos Tevez look-alike competition, finishing narrowly ahead of Carlos Tevez.

The Brummie does have a pleasant personality, even taking into account the fact that his accent ensures that your thumb is always hovering over the mute button. He’s like Frank Skinner, only with fresher gags.

Chiles may be evolution’s error, but he does have a genuine love of football; he’s the ideal candidate to present a new reality TV show: ‘The King of the Castle’.

Each week, Mike Ashley would set all applicants for the Newcastle manager’s job a series of hypothetical tasks. If any of the participants crack under the pressure by playing Wayne Rooney on the wing or paying over £7m for Robbie Keane, then they’re either fired or employed as Dennis Wise’s taxi driver.

The only possible flaw with the plan is that Ashley might sell his stake in the club before the show can be made. One bright spark has suggested that 30,000 locals each donate £1,000 to purchase the club themselves. I would have thought that a Geordie with over a grand to spare would no longer live in Newcastle.

All members of the Toon Army who are trying to raise cash should invest in Sunderland to beat Middlesbrough at 7/5. If my one point investment goes down, I’ll be more embarrassed than Adrian Chiles’ girlfriend.

From Soccerlens.com - Football News

Gerry takes a break from his weekly drudgery of crime-fighting and orphan-rescuing to give you the latest on English football and your best bet for the weekend.

In many ways I’m like a dwarf – I find it hard to put my hand in my pocket.

I never waste money on a newspaper and only the promise of naked pictures of Cheryl Tweedy would lead me to splash out on a magazine.

I may be a little mean, but I’m nowhere near as tight as Dimitar Berbatov. While celebrating his move to Old Trafford, the frugal frontman refused to buy a copy of The Big Issue. My heart went out to a clearly devastated Robbie Savage.

Sir Alex may have to make some tough decisions now that Berbatov, Tevez and Rooney are all vying for a starting role. Three into two simply does not go, unless it’s a Ronaldo house party.

If I was Fergie – and I drink enough to make a passing resemblance – I’d sell Wayne Rooney.

The big lad may have played reasonably well against Croatia in midweek, but that performance is merely papering over the cracks. You can put lipstick on a pig – but you should never marry her in Italy.

Rooney’s fall from grace has been dramatic. When he first burst on to the scene, he looked like the next Alan Shearer – now it looks like he’s just eaten him.

I can trace the beginning of the decline to Wayne’s honeymoon, where it emerged that he enjoyed a sneaky fag. Cheryl Tweedy was reportedly devastated.

I too used to partake in a crafty cigarette after making love, but I had to quit when they introduced a no smoking policy in the morgue.

I now only smoke when I’m knocked back for sex, so I’m stubbing more ash than Lee Chapman.

If United do decide to sell Rooney, their wealthy neighbours will be in the frame to sign him. City have passed their first official test as a mega-rich club; they’ve wasted millions on Shaun Wright Phillips.

The signing of Robinho for £32m was a much better piece of business, and it’s rumoured that Fernando Torres may be next. Torres would jump at the chance to play alongside the skillful Brazilian – he currently looks at Robbie Keane and gently weeps.

Robbie is still reeling after his penthouse flat was targeted by burglars. It’s not the first case of a robbery in Liverpool; Spurs recently got away with £20m.

While Manchester City spend money like it’s going out of fashion, Mike Ashley holds on to his cash like it’s a steak and kidney pie.

Newcastle supporters intend to protest against Ashley and his angry midget sidekick Dennis Wise. The Toon Army haven’t been this riled since Freddie Shepherd described the local women as ‘dogs’. Cheryl Tweedy is certainly not a ‘dog,’ although she does have a cute pair of puppies.

Even factoring in the shenanigans at St James’ Park, I’m convinced that Newcastle are overpriced at 1.70 at home to Hull. I’ll be staking one point, and I expect to be celebrating like Cheryl Tweedy’s gynaecologist.

Gerry’s Score

3 out 4 predictions correct this season. And he’s picked the easiest game to predict this weekend.

Cheryl Tweedy photo gallery – you know you want some.

English Premier League Fixtures (13-15 September 2008)

Get the latest Premier League live scores in football.

Saturday, 13 September 2008

Liverpool FC v Manchester United FC, 12:45 (Liverpool)
Blackburn Rovers FC v Arsenal FC, 15:00 (Arsenal)
Wigan Athletic FC v Sunderland AFC, 15:00 (Wigan)
Fulham FC v Bolton Wanderers FC, 15:00 (Draw)
Newcastle United FC v Hull City AFC, 15:00 (Newcastle)
Portsmouth FC v Middlesbrough FC, 15:00 (Middlesbrough)
West Bromwich Albion FC v West Ham United FC, 15:00 (Draw)
Manchester City FC v Chelsea FC, 17:30 (City)

Sunday, 14 September 2008

Stoke City FC v Everton FC, 13:30 (Draw)

Monday, 15 September 2008

Tottenham Hotspur FC v Aston Villa FC, 20:00 (Villa)

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From Soccerlens.com - Football News

It infuriates me when people are judged on their appearance. Just because Rafa Benitez is a tubby mess, this does not give opposing supporters the right to abuse him.

The Aston Villa supporters went well over the top with their ‘Fat Spanish Waiter’ banner. Admittedly, he is carrying a few stone overweight, and he’s certainly Spanish; but his career as a waiter ended years ago, when he was fired for rotating the starters.

I’m not suggesting that all criticism is unjust; but it should only be directed at his tactical ineptness. Rafa made an error of title-blowing proportions last week when he replaced Torres with Ngog – while Keane and Kuyt looked on incredulously from the wings. You simply can’t put square pegs in round holes, as my three-month suspended sentence ultimately confirmed.

The Holte End have an understandable dislike of Benitez after his woeful handling of the Gareth Barry transfer saga. Courting a new player is a lot like investing in late night female entertainment — you’re asking for trouble if you just offer half of the fee plus Steve Finnan.

While Benitez miraculously clings on to his post, the equally inept Kevin Keegan appears to have parted company with Newcastle. Mike Ashley’s lack of ambition was probably the straw that broke the camel’s back – although a drunken Joey Barton was seen in the vicinity of the camel shortly before the injury occurred.

Keegan appeared to be tottering on the edge last weekend, when he berated the Arsenal players for their behaviour towards the recently imprisoned Barton. Gael Clichy did nutmeg the controversial midfielder, but Barton’s legs are spread so wide these days that it’s practically inevitable.

England are in much better shape under Don Fabio Capello. Capello is no respecter of reputations, as displayed in England’s last match where he bravely selected both Lampard and Gerrard.

Harry Redknapp quickly laid into Capello after that match, but he has retracted since. “I don’t even know what laying is,” claimed the increasingly twitchy soon-to-be ex-Pompey manager.

Capello is a definite personality. He once told Paolo Di Canio that his face looked like a penis. He could say the same about Joey Barton: after all, you are what you eat.

Fabio is probably grateful that Jamie Carragher is no longer available for selection. Fabio is used to dealing with a footballer who resembles a penis – he’s had no experience with a penis who resembles a footballer.

Even if Carragher hadn’t bottled out of international football, I doubt if Capello would have picked him. Fabio would have blanked him like he was a tax bill.

George Burley is something of an enigma. He’s a Scot who basically won the lottery when he was allowed to work in England, but he made the incredible decision to move back to Scotland. That’s like a blind man regaining his sight, then asking a cigar-smoking Joey Barton how his brother is.

Backing England against Andorra doesn’t appeal at the odds, and I can’t get excited about Scotland’s chances in Macedonia, so I’ll stake one point on Slovakia at home to Northern Ireland at 10/11. FIFA’s world rankings currently have Northern Ireland above the Slovaks, but I expect that to last about as long as Joey Barton’s pillow.

From Soccerlens.com - Football News

I’ve never really understood the need for foreign travel. It makes no sense to leave a perfectly good country for a significantly poorer one; although this is never a real problem for the Welsh.

When I have capitulated to convention, I have found the experience quite pleasurable. I particularly enjoyed my timeshare in an underground complex in Austria.

My all-time favourite holiday was an 18-30 jaunt to Magaluf. It’s true that attacks on women are a real problem at the resort – at least they were on my last trip.

I enjoyed that vacation so much; I changed my pin number to ’1830′ as a reminder of the ideal age range for potential partners. I still hope to meet an 830 year old.

Travel does broaden the mind, so I hope I’ll be able to find myself on my next trip to Ireland. I’ll just look in the pub.

I should definitely do more to celebrate my Irish heritage; all I do at the moment is run out of potatoes and beat up the wife.

One country I will not be adding to my potential travel itinerary is the United States. I’d feel safer in Georgia now that the Russians have pulled out, although she does have that restraining order.

I’m certainly not anti-American — or educationally challenged people in general. I just have a fear of hillbillies with guns.

I can understand why the Yanks believe they have the right to bear arms; I’d certainly want to be tooled up if I lived beside other Americans.

The Yanks have other serious problems, namely obesity. A recent report claims that 50% of American children are overweight – no wonder Gary Glitter came back to England.

From a personal perspective, I prefer a lady with a little timber. The skinny ones are fast runners.

My main problem with the American hillbillies is their tendency to ‘keep it in the family.’ Admittedly, I once had a relationship with a second cousin. We didn’t know any better at the time – we lived in West Bromwich. Luckily, he’s moved on now.

My bitterness towards America may well be born of my early sexual encounters. I learned about ‘the birds and the bees’ from watching ‘Deliverance’. Whenever I make love, I sound like Jade Goody.

I have to give some credit to the Yanks – they did put a man on the moon. Their astronaut training scheme was faultless; they sent the entire crew to the Riverside Stadium. The Boro support will have plenty to cheer about when they ease past Stoke; I’m staking one point at 8/13.

English Premier League Fixtures (30-31 August 2008)

Get the latest Premier League live scores in football.

Saturday 30 August 2008

Middlesbrough FC v Stoke City FC, 15:00 (Middlesbrough)
West Ham United FC v Blackburn Rovers FC, 15:00 (Draw)
Bolton Wanderers FC v West Bromwich Albion FC, 15:00 (Bolton)
Everton FC v Portsmouth FC, 15:00 (Everton)
Hull City AFC v Wigan Athletic FC, 15:00 (Draw)
Arsenal FC v Newcastle United FC, 17:30 (Arsenal)

Sunday 31 August 2008

Chelsea FC v Tottenham Hotspur FC, 13:30 (Chelsea)
Sunderland AFC v Manchester City FC, 15:00 (Sunderland)
Aston Villa FC v Liverpool FC, 16:00 (Aston Villa)

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From Soccerlens.com - Football News

The Olympic Games have been a real disappointment. The only event that I was desperate to watch was the diving, but it turned out to be a few lunatics jumping into a pool.

My tissues did come in handy when Paula Radcliffe limped over the line in the marathon – that was pure comedy gold.

Britain has tasted success in the fringe ‘sports’, but we never even competed in the sprinting. We should have told Rio Ferdinand that a drug test was imminent.

The best thing about the Games is they allow sportsmen the opportunity for a glimpse of fame and corporate sponsorship. This could be a real life-changer for Rafael Nadal.

Now I’m not the type of person who takes pleasure in criticising others – I’m all about spreading love (and Chlamydia), but China should never have been allowed to host the event.

The Chinese government famously flattened up to 3,000 students at Tiananmen Square in 1989. Such behaviour is unforgivable; there were approximately 100,000 students taking liberties at the time.

The country has no real redeeming features, other than a ‘Great’ Wall. I absolutely refuse to bestow greatness on a collection of bricks unless they’re dividing England from Scotland.

It’s widely believed that you can see the wall from the moon, but that’s a complete fallacy – the only thing visible from that distance is John Terry’s sense of self importance.

China does have nice areas though, particularly Tibet. Knife crime is practically unheard of over there – but chopstick attacks are through the roof.

My opinions are probably influenced by the fact that I was once in love with a young Chinese lady. She could do things with a ping-pong ball that you wouldn’t believe – she was a two-time table tennis champion.

Gerry’s Pick

I was absolutely heartbroken when she split up with me, and I married the wife on the rebound. Something about Betty reminded me of my former love – Chin Tu Fat.

My heart will always be with Chin, but my cash is firmly on Blackburn to beat Hull – I’ll happily stake one point at 4/6.

Last week Gerry picked Aston Villa to beat Manchester City – the final score was Villa 4-2 City.

Weekend Premier League Fixtures

Stoke City FC v Aston Villa FC (Aston Villa)
Blackburn Rovers FC v Hull City AFC (Blackburn)
Liverpool FC v Middlesbrough FC (Liverpool)
Newcastle United FC v Bolton Wanderers FC (Newcastle)
Tottenham Hotspur FC v Sunderland AFC (Draw)
West Bromwich Albion FC v Everton FC (Draw)
Fulham FC v Arsenal FC, 17:30 (Arsenal)
Wigan Athletic FC v Chelsea FC (Chelsea)
Manchester City FC v West Ham United FC (Draw)
Portsmouth FC v Manchester United FC (Manchester United)

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From Soccerlens.com - Football News

Gerry McDonnell returned from his holidays on Thursday – he missed preseason, but we have no hesitation in sticking him straight in the starting lineup for the opening weekend of the Premier League. Let’s hope his ‘re-entry’ into society goes better than Joey Barton’s rehabilitation (or lack thereof).

Everybody tells the occasional white lie. In a drunken bid to appear cool, I once claimed to have slept with over fifty women. My friends are now suspicious about a revised figure of five: luckily, the police can back me up on three cases.

I guess my habit of bending the truth is a result of my parents lying to me from an early age. On one of my frequent early forays into self discovery, my mother warned me that I could go blind – and judging by the state of my bint she may have had a point.

My old man was also incredibly careful with the truth when questioned about his potential whereabouts of an evening. Whenever I enquired of his destination, he would often reply: “I’m going to see a man about a dog.” It turns out he was friends with Helen Chamberlain’s agent.

My wife is also no stranger to a large pork pie. She claims that she had only had three previous lovers before me; I’m guessing she meant earlier that evening.

Lying is endemic in our culture; even academics will deliberately mislead. I read a report that claimed that one in ten males are homosexual. I have an insider at Stamford Bridge who swears that it’s one in eleven.

There are no greater perpetrators of mistruths than cartoons. It turns out that a frying pan across the noggin does not lead to a hilarious flattened head that is quickly shaken off. My wife was in a coma for three weeks.

The one lie that really aggravated me was the myth that Manchester is full of gun-toting locals. When I saw pictures of Rangers fans running amok through the city, I was expecting the locals to spray bullets at the problem – proving that two wrongs can make a right.

It was left to the Old Bill to try and calm our Scottish brothers on a night of high tension. There were running battles between the two camps; it was a real moral dilemma on who to support.

Life is not getting any easier for the citizens of Manchester thanks to the latest antics of Thaksin Shinawatra. I can let the corruption and the human rights violations slide, but replacing Sven with Mark Hughes is unforgivable.

The good doctor has now claimed political asylum in the UK, after jumping bail in his native Thailand. The Daily Mail may have a point about foreigners coming over here and taking up all the worst jobs.

Gerry’s Pick

Manchester City are in complete disarray and I can only foresee a heavy defeat at Villa Park. I shall be staking 1 point on Martin O’Neill’s men at even money, before going home to tell the wife how pretty she looks.

Weekend Fixtures / Editor’s Picks

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Arsenal v West Brom – Arsenal
Bolton v Stoke City – Draw
West Ham v Wigan – Draw
Hull City v Fulham – Hull City
Middlesbrough v Tottenham – Tottenham
Everton v Blackburn – Everton
Sunderland v Liverpool – Sunderland
Chelsea v Portsmouth – Chelsea
Aston Villa v Manchester City – City
Manchester United v Newcastle United – Manchester United

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From Soccerlens.com - Football News

Saying goodbye to the football season is very much like giving birth to a ginger child: after nine months of optimism, hope and anguish, you’re left with a genuine feeling of disappointment.

The final day is often emotional. Who could forget Arsenal pipping Liverpool to the title in 1989? Well sadly, my old man. In fact, if you see a small befuddled pensioner roaming the streets, you’ll be better off avoiding football trivia altogether; senility is no picnic.

I’m absolutely devastated that I have to work on Sunday as the drama unfolds. The gaffer has offered me double time and a day in lieu though, which I’m reasonably happy with; but it hasn’t gone down too well with Louise.

Lou hasn’t been this upset since Liverpool were beaten by Chelsea in the Champions League semi-final. Liverpool supporters are like Paul McCartney on his wedding night; they’re struggling to get over a disappointing second leg.

Steven ‘more dives than Glasgow’ Gerrard will hope to inspire his team-mates to a win over Spurs, but I fancy the Tottenham boys at 9/5. They can be heroes, just for Juande.

Manchester United are on the verge of winning the title and I’m particularly pleased for Paul Scholes. There was a worry that Paul’s career was over as a result of blurred vision, practically confirming what my mother told me. I’ll have my head in my hands if Manchester United fail to beat Wigan at 1/4.

As is often the case in such a high profile match, there has been plenty of early activity in the first goal scorer market. Bookmakers have already seen a monkey on Ronaldo, a pony on Carlos Tevez and an old dog on Wayne Rooney.

A recently discovered tribe of Congolese pygmies have admitted knowing absolutely nothing of western civilisation, other than the fact that Steven Gerrard is better at football than Frank Lampard.

Frank simply isn’t that great a player, most of his goals come from his close relationship with the O’Shea family, notably Rick. Frank would need 29 attempts to score on an 18-30 stone holiday.

Frank will not be happy about Chelsea finishing second best to Manchester United. I remember how upset he was when I first suggested that he had a weight problem – he sent me a text that read, ‘gbvsdfabdsb’.

Ashley Cole will also be unhappy with a runners-up spot. The overrated full-back is desperate for success to cement his role as a celebrity. He’s already been offered a spot on next week’s Jonathan Ross show, he just needs to find three pals and a piano. Chelsea are certainties to beat Bolton, i’m all over the 1/6 like John Terry on a referee.

I’m no stranger to disappointment; I once watched all of Soccer AM. Alex McLeish can empathise, he would give his right arm for Birmingham to avoid relegation, but a trade of that magnitude has only ever come off for Heather Mills. I’m backing Blackburn to beat the Blues at 3/1, but be warned, the price is dropping quicker than Steven Gerrard in a penalty area.

Reading are a lot like Princess Diana, they used to look good, but they’ve hit a wall.

The wife is praying that the Royals stay up, as she’s supported them ever since her English teacher wrote ‘reading difficulties’ on her school report.

I also hope that Reading beat Derby, as I’m not a great fan of Robbie Savage – I can’t forget how he kicked me off the waltzers when I was young. I can’t let my heart rule my head though, I’m going to be like Robbie and mark the coupon with an ‘X’ at 7/2.

Portsmouth are currently wobbling like a jelly on a drunken Sumo wrestler – they haven’t won in their last handful of games. Actually, they haven’t won in their last four games, so it’s more of a Jeremy Beadle handful.

I’d like to see Pompey beat Fulham as I have an enormous amount of sympathy for Harry Redknapp; he’s been the subject of more enquiries than the 118-118 guys.

Hollywood should make a film of Harry’s life, they could call it ‘The buying, the twitch and the fraud probe.’

A case can be made for backing Portsmouth at 5/2 to beat Fulham, but it has more holes than Pete Doherty. I’m going to be like David Cameron in college; and get stuck into the draw at 11/4.

Hopefully, my son will become a professional footballer. The last time we had a kick around in the back garden, he nutmegged me twice; nobody’s regretted opening their legs on two separate occasions since Mrs Neville.

Phil Neville is like the sun, you should never look directly at him. The lesser of two evils is surprisingly quite bright, he can quote the old Chinese proverb: ‘Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day; give him twelve cans of lager, and he’ll think that Newcastle are worth a bet at Goodison Park.

You don’t have to be Stephen Hawking to realise that Everton are nailed on at 10/11, even Mrs Hawking could work that one out; if she wasn’t down the gym working the bags.

I once said that Benjani couldn’t hit a cow’s arse with a banjo. If we were ever to meet, he’d probably want to hit me; i’d better change my name to Annette.

On a related note, I once tried to hit a cow’s arse with a banjo – at least that’s what I told the police officer, although the lack of a banjo aroused some suspicion.

Middlesbrough are a riddle, wrapped up in an enigma, shrouded in mystery, situated in a hole. The 11/10 for a Boro win over Manchester City is the most enticing proposition since Ulrika Johnson offered Sven Goran Eriksson a little slice of Swedish fish pie.

Is it wrong for me to continually speak of my admiration for Cesc Fabregas? Apparently, it is during lovemaking.

Cesc is a little magician. He’ll have a great future in the game as long as he avoids Debbie McGee. Arsenal are a great bet at 10/11 to beat Sunderland, it’s as clear as the chin on Frank Lampard’s chin.

As an Aston Villa supporter, i’m a huge fan of Randy Lerner. I’m not ashamed to say that all it took to make me happy was just one little Yank.

I did read that a healthy male averages 20 minutes when expressing his love physically; I’m assuming that includes the taxi journey and the queue for the cashpoint. I’ll be throwing my cash on a West Ham win over the Villa; the 12/5 is positively pulchritudinous.

The Premier League remains my true love, but I’ve occasionally strayed into the arms of the football league, the SPL, the conference and the Paralympics. I’m a little bit uncomfortable about watching football at such a poor level though, but Rangers have made it into the UEFA Cup final.

I’m often asked why I appear reluctant to share my expertise on the Scottish football scene. I can assure you it’s not a result of xenophobia; some of my best friends know Scottish people. I know that a Celtic win over Hibernian at 1/4 will practically wrap up the title for the Bhoys.

My computer is a lot like the wife, if the information is punched in correctly, positive results are guaranteed. My spreadsheet plays a sound if the odds offered on an accer are greater than the actual probability of success: when I placed 16/1 next to Middlesbrough, Tottenham and West Ham, it whipped out a guitar.

Weekend Matches

Sunday 11 May 2008

15:00 Birmingham City v Blackburn Rovers
15:00 Derby County v Reading
15:00 Everton v Newcastle United
15:00 Portsmouth v Fulham
15:00 Middlesbrough v Manchester City
15:00 Tottenham Hotspur v Liverpool
15:00 West Ham Utd v Aston Villa
15:00 Wigan Athletic v Manchester United
15:00 Chelsea v Bolton Wanderers
15:00 Sunderland v Arsenal

From Soccerlens.com - Football News