Arsenal plan test-tube footballers to outsmart Chelsea, Tottenham and United
Plans leaked from Wenger’s mobile phone (which also contained some tasty photos that we’re never going to share – respect, Monsieur Wenger, respect) reveal Arsenal’s secret plans to outsmart their rival football clubs – by creating test-tube footballers using the finest possible footballer DNA collected over the last decade.
Arsene Wenger’s Arsenal project is nearing fruition as he prepares to unleash his first batch of test-tube footballers to the Under-5s clubs around London. Wenger has taking DNA samples from some of the best footballers in the world – Dennis Bergkamp, Thierry Henry, Cesc Fabregas, Jens Lehmann, Robin van Persie, Jack Wilshere and Nicklas Bendtner – to create the perfect footballer(s).
The revealed plans also show that Arsenal had previously attempted to create test-tube footballers right after their Invincibles season but the first batch – dubbed the Patrick Vieira batch – only produced crybabies. But after several botched attempts that have severely delayed Arsenal’s progress on the pitch in the last 6 years, it seems that Wenger is now ready to start producing the test-tube footballers (nicknamed ‘Gunner in a bottle’) to
Extreme care has been taken to blend the best talents of great Arsenal players together to create the perfect footballer. However, while Wenger is confident that his test (tubes) will succeed, everyone else is not so certain.
It’s reported that at least one major Arsenal shareholder believes that these bottled Gunners will display are equally likely to display the worst characteristics of the players whose DNA was chosen – meaning that they could be as injury prone as RVP, as self-absorbed as Bendtner, as infuriatingly talented but going missing in big games as Henry, a little crazy, like Lehmann and homesick like Fabregas. This shareholder has also said that Arsenal should have just bought Mario Balotelli, but given that test-tubes are cheaper, it does make sense to make your own crazy footballers.
And if all else fails, Wenger can sell them at £1m / pop and with the supply almost limitless, they can use this to pay off their debts while waiting for Wenger to find the right formula.