3 Secrets To Real Madrid’s Glorious Success
…and how your club can adopt it to entice players too good to play for your club, turn opposition fans against their own heroes and butter both sides of the bread by wooing players and footballing authorities while screwing every club that comes in your way.
Read on, young club chairman - learning this could mean the difference between signing the next Carlos Tevez or signing the next Dirk Kuyt (a cheap United v Liverpool joke there if you didn’t get it…):
1. Players = Tools
A particular player should never be your end target - he must always be a means to an end. And if you want to be the owner of a great club, you need to set greatness, glory and lotsamoney as your top objectives. Players then become tools - means to an end.
After a star player? Throw as much money as it takes to turn heads of the agent and the player, and just enough to get the club thinking as well. Cover your ass by negotiating image rights in your favor and striking bonuses out of the contract in favor of a higher basic salary. If you’re particularly crafty, tie in appearance-based bonuses and reduce the basic salary. The player may think he’s going to make more money, but ultimately, as he sits in the stands injured, the club will make money off his ass selling shirts and other merchandise. If he’s playing, you just sell more shirts. It’s easy.
Squad players? Fuck ‘em. Pay them peanuts. Peddle the pretty ones (or those that become famous) in front of TV cameras and hawk off the ugly ones to other clubs.
Fan favorites? Make a big deal out of giving them life-long contracts at the club - every club needs to pander to one or two ‘icons’ every decade to pacify the fans.
Bring in the best everything - players, coaches, staff - feed them on ‘club glory’ and ‘honor’ and get them to singing your tune. Pay them a little if you have to, but only if it turns you a profit.
2. Bribe Officials
I’m not talking about giving money - that’s too easy and plus, you get caught. I’m talking about ‘official’ favors - honorary club members, elaborate ceremonies, testimonials - whatever it takes to make the important people ‘feel’ part of your club. Once they are in they will be more open to your legendary lies and will also work in your favor.
Hot Tip: Start with the very top. Once you snag the boss, it’s easier to get the rest to play along.
3: Tell Legendary Lies
Small white lies are what you use to get out of difficult questions with your girlfriend. The big lies are what you use to con people into giving you money. The truly legendary lies - well, those are lies that turn normal, sensible people into raving lunatics ready to do what you want. Legendary lies will use those who are against you and get them to work in your favor.
Case in point - the pursuit of Cristiano Ronaldo. Yes, the player wants to go to Madrid. But do you think he would have had this many interviews with the press and this much said and written about him if Ramon Calderon had kept his mouth shut? Do you think Ronaldo would have been this popular a topic of discussion if Real Madrid hadn’t declared him their #1 target and conducted a very public chase for the player?
And now every United fan wants him to leave; most hate his guts (see comments). By peppering various interviews with legendary lies, Calderon has turned the people of Manchester United against their best player of the last two seasons.
The sham doesn’t start or stop at player transfers though - it doesn’t get legendary status that way. It achieves greatness by being a hoax that’s played on millions and millions of fans across the world over several decades, generations of footballers and countless trophies. And it all starts with that simplest, most blind of lies:
We’re the best.
The rest is just hot air rationalizing the above (and trophies, of course). Whoever does that best gets to be called the best and the biggest in the world.
Disclaimer: This article was part tongue-in-cheek, part meant to highlight how fans are easily manipulated by those in charge. I understand that people will be offended - please keep in mind that I have no ill-will towards Madrid or Liverpool or Dirk Kuyt or Cristiano Ronaldo or Manchester United or Sepp Blatter (oops) or Ramon Calderon or anyone else you manage to link this article to, nor is this meant as criticism (well, not really).
this is really one of the most brilliant articles that u have written and i have been reading here since probably the site began…
great job.. nd ya the end disclaimer.. a masterpeice…
The disclaimer was a good thought after all that…
Good article. Looking at the extremes often reveals some of the truth. The media and how you manipulate it (and let’s face it, it’s gullible, lacks any moral integrity and will sell its grandmother for a story, while confirming or even being concerned with facts is secondary to selling print) is paramount to clubs, agents and players alike and fans just lap it up and believe what suits them.
But at the end of the day (copyright David O’Leary!) football is big business now and as cut throat as any out there. It’s dog eat dog and with the money involved the rich will do everything they can to stay rich and the rest can do little unless there’s a billionaire lurking in the shadows.
The fact is that the product seduces millions world-wide and as long as we’re all adicted then we’ll continue to feed the beast.
Well done though…thought provoking piece.
I feel that you’re too pro-Manchester United and too anti-real madrid.
What about United’s pursuit of Hargreaves and the recent pursuit of berbatov? Okay..it doesn’t take the scale of ronaldo but that’s because Ronaldo is right now the biggest star in the world.Didn’t united take a very ‘public route’ The fact of the matter is that with that transfers have become almost as interesting as the game and the media frenzy behind it, transfers inevitably go public.
Yes, Real Madrid do tap-up players but so do other clubs. It’s the survival of the fittest out there. Yes, Real perhaps play the dirtiest game out there, but the others aren’t as far behind as you would like to believe.The ones to blame most for this are the fans for being so gullible and the media for their unscrupulous approach.
The fact we all seem to forget is-Real Madrid is the biggest club in the world and that is the biggest reason for them being the most attractive destination for footballers throughout the club. End of story.
Didn’t united take a very ‘public route’?
With Hargreaves - not at all. Hargreaves himself broke the news to the press, not United, and Bayern spoke about the move far more than United did.
With Berbatov - United have yet to make a public comment about Berbatov.
Real Madrid, the biggest club in the world? How? With regards to income ? With regards to fanbase ? With regards to trophies won in recent(last three) seasons?
Uhm you seem to have been mislead Fateh. I dont blame you though, not everyone knows that Man Utd have the biggest fanbase, produce the most profit, and pound for pound are valued more than Real.Oh and not to forget that not everyone knows that Man Utd are Premier League and Champs League Champions!!!
This sounds like the rantings of a bitter manu fan who is facing the hash reality that he supports an inferior club.
bwahaha bayern You guys played Uefa cup whilst we won champs league trophy
We have 4 champions league titles, until u support a club that has atleast that much do not speak.
Bayern, you must not have read the disclaimer.
Inferior? Maybe Real Madrid has done more historically, but last I checked, Manchester United has back-to-back Premier League titles and are the current holders of the top trophy in European football, and while past successes are something to be proud of, certainly, current successes mean a lot more. Real Madrid are currently quite successful in their own right, but I don’t think United are going to kneel to anyone.
Glory Glory Man Utd… Current Champions league champions, Current Premier League Champions!!! Try Take that fact away!
regarding comment #7 - Bayern, really, I expect better from someone who supports such a great club. It’s OK if you like Madrid, hell, I love Madrid too, and still back them over any other team they come up with in Europe / at home unless it’s United.
But if you can’t read or take things lightly, then I guess that’s a different problem.
Wow, how much do you have to envy a club to write and article like this? Okay, right now in the present Man U is a better team because of their Champions League. But both have won their respective leagues the last 2 seasons and through history not 1 person can say Manchester has been better.
And so what if they “bribe official” as you say, if it bothers everyone so much why don’t they do it to? It’s called being smart and there’s nothing ilegal about it. And like Fateh said, it’s many players dream to play in Madrid because they are one of the biggest clubs in europe, and some players maybe aren’t very bright but their not stupid enough to believe everything their told.
Just deal with the fact that Real Madrid has been the greatest club in history and still is one of the best in the world. You don’t get so many trophies, money, prestige, etc with “legendary” lies and all that.
And in response to Ishaqs first comment: In regards to trophies won.
Bayern is the Greatest you talk about an “inferior club”, but how about and “inferior leage”? Ajax and Porto won the CL, which doesn’t mean shit right now. May be you consider your club inferior to other clubs, but not us.
Comment edited by moderator - read the comments policy and learn how to press the ‘Enter’ key’. Cheers.
…In case you haven’t noticed, Man U has more resembled the kind of club you identify with Real Madrid in the past years. In fact, I’d be surprised if you didn’t copy/paste this from another site and switch Man U with Real. The only reason that the Ronaldo saga is so popular among the press is that he’s considered the best player in the world. To bash Real for “speaking through the press” but defend Man United because they haven’t made an official statements regarding their transfer targets is unbelievably hypocritical.
So if Spanish newspapers “quote” Calderon as saying he wants Ronaldo then he’s a douche, but regardless of whether English tabloids report that Man U is pursuing Berbatov then Man U is blameless? Seriously. I’m not defending Calderon- he’s an idiot- but you should know that one moron does not represent an entire football club.
Personally, I think Calderon should be deposed of; he wastes his time pursuing big names, who have proved to be unattainable and in any case incompatible with the Real Madrid spirit. Calderon’s stuck in a bygone era of Real Madrid’s history; even if he did coax Ronaldo or Kaka into signing with Madrid, he’d be wasting obscene amounts of money paying for outrageous transfer fees and insulting the rest of the squad by paying a world record salary.
Anyway, look at Man United’s current squad. Full of stars with very little domestic talent. Ronaldo? A foreign star with a huge ego. Rooney? Same, but actually English. Tevez? Another imported Brazilian. Ferdinand? A star defender purchased to add much needed “English flavor” to the squad. Hargreaves? Who could forget that transfer fiasco? Wes Brown? Sadly, the best recent Man U youth product. Neville? An aging defender who exemplifies United’s refusal to let go of the past. Nani? Foreign youth. Anderson? Foreign youth. Saha? Overrated. Evra? Also overrated. Silvestre? Once again, overrated. Vidic? Well, every cloud has a silver lining.
My point being Man United is in fact the rich club that steals everyone else’s stars and young prospects these days. I think from the past few months, it’s become evident that Man U is not a great enough institution to inspire loyalty in even its stars, which is something that would never happen at today’s Real. Sure Real had a bitch of a phase in the Galacticos era, but since then they’ve exemplified the football club at its best.
You’re just jealous that Real Madrid, unlike Man U, has been able to achieve success without big names and big egos. Real Madrid has always been and will always be a better club than the bunch of … that call themselves Manchester United.
RvN:
1) Read the note at the start of your comment.
2) Wrote it myself, fresh for the site. Guess you’re easily surprised.
3) The criticism is aimed at clubs who make excessive comments to the press about their transfer targets. You can’t control the press but you can control what you say. Madrid play it through the press, and Calderon is Madrid, just as Guti is Madrid and Raul is Madrid and Casillas is Madrid and Robinho is Madrid. Your players and management and coaching staff represent your club.
United don’t play it through the press - and when they do, you can rest assured that I’ll be there to criticise them for it, as I’ve done with Fergie in the past.
Feel free to bring up ‘evidence’, not just your borrowed opinions from other forums.
4) Your analysis of United’s squad is an embarrassing admission of your lack of knowledge about the team or players.
5) ’steals everyone else’s stars and young prospects’ - with Liverpool signing up young kids at random from across Europe, with Arsenal’s track record of importing youth, with Chelsea’s chequebook and Tottenham’s rampant spending, not to mention the way Barcelona are buying this summer and how Madrid have bought players from Europe and South America in the last two seasons, are you SURE you want to be playing this card?
6) I think from the past few months, it’s become evident that Man U is not a great enough institution to inspire loyalty in even its stars, which is something that would never happen at today’s Real.
Actually the article answers that partially - read the bit about ‘lies’.
7) Yes, Real Madrid’s most recent Champions League success was brought about without any big names, right? Try looking up the starting lineup in that final, compare it with United’s starting lineup from 99 and 08 and then come and talk to me about big names.
Your bias makes you blind to reason or even the idea of using extreme examples to make a point about football in general.
RvN,
adding to what ahmed bilal said, CARLOS TEVEZ IS ARGENTINIAN. far out, brazilian, its so obvious ahmed was right-you know nothing about the team or players, and your a biased man u fan.
btw ahmed great article, i dont know what everyones on about, raging about your bias. i thought it was fairly neutral, but because you chose real madrid as an example, everyones calling you biased. i say reals the best choice for something like this because of the ronaldo saga, which was a great example for one of your points. everyone else, get off his back, and if your going to criticize an article, make sure you read it properly rather than pull it out of context
And this is how you unsettle players at other clubs - Bayern-style (or Madrid-style, since technically they’re the best at it):
Bayern may sign Gomez
People keep talking about Real Madrid being the biggest club but they are only where they are as a result of financial help. It is well known that back in the 50s and 60s they had government help (look up the transfer of Alfredo Di Stefano to see what Franco pressure got Di Stefano playing for Madrid when he was going to play for Barca). And we all know about the Madrid debt when they bought Figo, Zidane and Ronaldo which was paid off when the local government bought their training ground and built them a new one foc. And now they are in debt again. They consistently spend more than they can afford.
No doubt in 30 or 40 years people will be saying Chelsea are the biggest club just ‘cos they have a rich owner. And a 90 year old Peter Kenyon will still be saying they will soon break even!
Real Madrid are th biggest club in Europe and will continue to be until someone overtakes their European record. It may be a childish and simple way of looking at it but thats the way it is in football.
A good article although every club unsettles players through the media. Some clubs attack club leaders to give a negative charge to the opponents camp, im sure you’re all familar with smokescreens?
What about Chelsea constant pursuit of Torres?
Thats the way tranfers are done the club leaks the rumors to the media. It is not breaking the rules. It is good tactics.
We Man Utd fans dont live on past successes ala pool and madrid. We let our current successes and our current standard of football do the talking. So I guess its pretty hard for you guys to praise your team without referring to past seasons.Read this you guys: CURRENT CHAMPIONS LEAGUE CHAMPIONS. Unfortunately none of you other teams can put the word current in front of that!!! Oh how I hate the scousers and madridistas
RVN - “I think from the past few months, it’s become evident that Man U is not a great enough institution to inspire loyalty in even its stars, which is something that would never happen at today’s Madrid”
So what about Robinho wanting to leave for Chelsea?
Well done Ahmed, you are beginning to take over Graham Fisher’s title of Mr. Controversy.
this is how you make paise yaar eh?
Good piece of rant.
I do think, in spite of the comments between Ahmed and RVN, that it is important to remember something. Madrid play it through the press…
Don’t Real and Barca have newspapers and magazines that have to fill a handful of pages each day about the respective clubs alone in Spain? That is something I have heard a few times when growing up. By the very nature of it, that would surely make the Spaniards more press-oriented than even Man United. Just a thought on a lively debate.
Additionally, while trying to remain impartial is it really the case Robinho would be angling for this move had the whole Ronaldo saga not come about?
Liverpool_Fan, since when have Chelsea been constantly pursuing Torres. I’ve neverread anything about that this summer, what are you on about? Otherwise show me an article proving your point and I’ll accept it.
Referring to comment 15, Tevez is Argentinian. Also with regards to Saha, Silvestre, and Evra you say that they are overrated. Overrated by who? By you? I’m not having a go at you I just think that everyone should justify their facts as they say them. Also, the article was written with a comic theme throughout so don’t take it so seriously people. It’s just Ahmed having a bit of fun whilst getting a point across. By the way I think that this is an awesome article, satirical and well written.
the only secret is they are a club want sucess in whatever means possible….remember the munich tragedy…….real madrids european cups wouldnt have been so easy 2 come by had man utd been to its full strength and of corse had it not bribed everyone to get di stefano…..madrid are a bunch of criminals who just pay money for their sucess….they never r ready for a fight…..
Dan Chelsea have been reported to have Torres as their number one target and Abromavic is consistantly putting in bids. I couldnt be faked to find the link just write it in google.
Jesus dude…
do you really think Real Madrid is stronger (both in team and financial) than ManU?
Arsenal’s buying talents policy=better than any team in the world
Chelsea’s can pay more transfer fee than any other team in the world
Barcelona can produce better youths than any other team in the world
ManU’s fan base + financial earnings are better than any other team in the world
Real Madrid sucks
as a fan of manu
I rather Arsenal or Liverpool take every champion in Europe rather than Real Madrid
Liverpool_Fan: fair enough, I can’t believe I’d never read it. But come to think it should be expected, because its all Abrahamovich seems to want to do. I’m a Chelsea fan and I’m sick of him, but now that hes here, he’d better stay to get the club into a stable financial position without his billions. And anyway I don’t think its good tactics. Its just disrespectful to the player and club.