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10 Possible Football Stoners

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Today, as you may or mayn’t be aware, is 4/20 – The International Day of the Stoner.

With that in mind, we thought we’d turn a wry (or should that be ‘red’?) eye on the footballing sphere and pick out a few candidates in need of the meditative, healing powers of marijuana and also finger (so to speak) some of the huffing, puffing, smoking, joking midnight tokers who have almost definitely  - but not definitely enough for it to be libellous in any way – inhaled a lung-full of the Lord’s divine brocolli at one point in their lives…

1. Clint Dempsey - He may well be in the process of racking up his most impressive season in the Premier League to date, but that doesn't disguise the fact that Dempsey always looks like he's coming into every game off the back of a three-day bender. Heavily be-stubbled, sweat-slathered and dark purple rings orbiting swollen, bulging, bloodshot eyes? Textbook signs of a man who has probably spent the preceeding 72 hours behind closed curtains doing nothing but playing multi-player COD till the cows came home and existing solely on a diet of Chili Heatwave Doritos.2. Kyle Beckerman - The Real Salt Lake captain is certainly the most 'irie' white footballer to have ever graced the game - I mean, would you just look at those dreads? The guy could've played keyboards in Aswad with hair like that. Beckerman certainly looks like a Rastafarian; question is, does he unwind like one?3. David Beckham - Now don't go getting me wrong here, Becks is about as virtuous and dedicated as professional footballers come (if you ignore all that pesky 'mistress' business from a few years ago) BUT the guy has confessed to having a 'weird friendship' with devout Buddist Snoop Dogg. Two words: 'Contact' and 'High.'4. Joey Barton - With his cherry-picked Nietzsche quotes, his high-fade greaser quiff, his copy of The Smiths' Greatest Hits and his clothes all one size too small; Joey Barton is a Grade A hipster doofus - and what does every hipster doofus need to accompany their free-trade wild organic Alaskan line-caught  Frappacappamoccacinos as they blog about the underground club they discovered in Camden last night which can only be pronounced in Old Church Slavonic? A similarly eco-conscious joint. Hell, he's been busted for just about everything else.5. Peter Crouch - You're telling me altitude sickness isn't a factor up there? Crouchy could probably do with some herbal assistance to take the edge off. Given than he has spent his entire adult life breathing decidedly rarefied air, one toke would probably be enough to put him on his backside for a week!6. Pierluigi Collina - Famed for his soul-shrivelling stare, legend has it that Collina never blinked once in over a decade of top-level officiating. This may or may not have been because he was tweaked to the point of catatonia at all times.. 7. Andy Carroll - How else do you explain the fact that he constantly looks like he's wading through knee-deep Golden Syrup in slow motion while leading the line for Liverpool? 'He's a lumbering, borderline-immobile donkey with the turning circle of a cross-channel ferry,' you cry? Actually, you may be right.8. Diego Maradona - Bearing in mind that El Diego has, at one point, been loaded on just about every illegal substance known to man, it'd be incredibly naive to presume that he hasn't sampled the sweet leaf at some point over the years.9. Dwight Yorke - The omnipresent gormless grin is a tell-tale sign and I ask you: Would a sober man with his wits about him have chosen to wear that suit on live television?10. The 1980 Pennsylvania Stoners - I mean, c'mon. They were all at it with a name like that, weren't they?

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